Twilight Shitpost - Tumblr Posts
Romanian coven kisses
Vladimir kisses Stefan
Stefan kisses Vladimir
The Volturi guard + pets
Demetri likes cats. They're elegant just like he is and can be left alone while he's on a mission.
When he doesn't have company, he likes to take it slow and relax, especially when the cat is purring or sleeping in a cute position.
He spray or neuter each and every cat he owns because once kittens wreaked havoc in his walk-in closet and it's NOT happening again.
He would hire someone to feed the cat while he's on missions and to clean the litter box, because there is no way Demetri would do that himself.
He likes rare breeds and would go to a great distance to find the perfect cat.
Felix likes big, fluffy dogs. Anything smaller makes him worry he's going to accidentally hurt them.
He likes to take long walks with his dog, and sometimes he brings along Demetri, with whom he plays a very unfair game of hide and seek, or Alec, because the kid needs a break from all the drama going in in the castle.
Every time a dog of his dies, Felix mourn and claims he doesn't want to even look at a dog anymore. 30 years later, Demetri and Heidi bring him to a local shelter and our big guy inevitably falls in love with a new pup.
#AdoptDontShop
The twins take care of the fish in the pond, feeding them with extreme attention. They get mad at anyone who dares throw something like stale bread at those lovely creatures (why do vampires have stale bread anyway?).
They also love bigger animals and Caius got them two lovely horses.
Alec's horse is black and tall. He loves going on rides for entire days, maybe even a week or two if the masters allow.
Jane's mare is white and extremely sweet. Jane likes taking care of her and she takes hours at a time, brushing her and braiding her tail.
Jane is obviously unaware of this, but Caius got her that horse hoping that she would benefit from taking care of another being and it did. So you could say that Jane is doing pet therapy.
They love going on short rides together. After all, who wouldn't enjoy Tuscany while on horseback?
Renata has lots of hamsters. She bought only three. It's out of control now and soon the castle will be full or rodents.
Heidi doesn't like the idea of another being depending on her, but she occasionally buys bread to feed the lovely birds outside of her window.
Corin has tried multiple time to lure the squirrels at the park into the castle. A mission unsuccessful to this day.
Even though he's not supposed to, Afton has a snake in his room. He knows he's not allowed to (since one high-ranking member of the guard is scared, nay terrified of them) so he uses his power on it.
Semi-silly Demetri headcanons
He is scared of snakes. You can only imagine how awful it was while he was living with Amun in Egypt.
He is constantly worried that he smells bad. He showers twice a day and scrubs his skin so vigorously that he almost irritates it. People joke that they can find him following his scent; he laughs but he's truly happy. Felix is the only one who knows that at the lowest point of his human life, Demetri couldn't stand the smell of his family's house -he comes from a very poor family.
His conquests are immediately drawn and open to him, they like to tell him things they never told anyone else. He's more closed and doesn't share a single personal thing. He likes to bathe with his favorite partners, those with whom he feels a deep connection; with them he feels free. Only Felix and Heidi made it to his bathtub.
Always lets Felix choose the name of his pets because of a lost bet a few centuries ago.
Doesn't allow anyone to borrow his clothes because he's secretly worried that they would suit other people better.
Always has to go to Felix or Alec for help when he tries to use technology.
He's banned from game night because he's too easily irratated when playing board games.
What do you like about Vladimir and Stefan?
The pure fuckery.
Their aesthetic. Dark and abandoned castle and fake leather? Count me in.
The fact that they're Romanian! I love România, I lived there for a while and I miss it.
Their tragic backstories.
The dark-haired and light-haired duo dynamic.
They're fallen kings/emperors! Just imagine how daily life is for them!!!! Also, imagine how interesting their stories are.
Silly AU #1
Imagine if Vladimir and Ștefan focused on living their best life instead of relentlessly perusing their vengeance against the Volturi.
[Vladimir x Ștefan]
Vladimir works as a ghost writer for a History magazine. His lengthy articles are extremely detailed and accurate.
Ștefan somehow works as a Natural Science professor at a local university. Every student wants to enroll in his courses because he's the funny, easy-going and relaxed professor.
Sometimes Ștefan's students spot him around town on his red convertible. They also spot the professor's Mysterious Boyfriend™, who hides behind his long white hair and sunglasses.
They live in a pretty loft that has a magnificent view of the city below them. Each night they spend some time looking at the city bustling and have a toast.
Silly AU #2
Imagine if Felix and Demetri got together.
[Felix x Demetri] duh
They secretly had a hand-fasting ritual, but they never speak openly about it because they fear that other people could use this information against them (after all, they work for the most dangerous and known coven in the whole world).
They are the ultimate power couple.
Heidi is jealous at first, but slowly she warms up to the idea and is supportive of them.
The masters always pair them up for missions because they know that they work better together.
They live by the rule "never go to bed angry at your spouse". They have different views on certain topic so sometimes they have their bickering thing going on. Demetri plays the offended man but when Felix walks up to him and wraps his arms around him, he melts into the hug and murmurs apologetic words.
I need someone to share my feelings for this ship with
Silly headcanon: Marcus wears Hawaiian shirts regularly, and often pairs them with cardigans. Demetri cannot bear to look at him.
So
I've decided to reopen requests!!
If everything goes well, I'll post one old and one new. Let me know what you think and if you want send me a request/ask💕
Vladimir with human girl headcannons please and thanks? 💞☺️
It takes this vampire forever to admit that he has feelings for a human.
He's forgotten everything about humans, from the fact that they have to sit from time to time to the fact that need to eat regularly and not once in a fortnight.
He's lived isolated for a long time, but still tries his best to update his skills.
"Hey Y/N, what is woke and how do I get it?"
Would 100% love it when his human mate buys him clothes. He loves the soft fabrics like wool and flannel, but wears things like jeans because he saw just how much his girlfriend loves it.
He would shower the girl with gifts, with no apparent reason other than "I saw, it reminded me of you/how much I love you, so I got it for you".
Tries to keep the relationship secret to protect her from the Volturi.
Ștefan is the official Third Wheel™.
The human girl would get a flat for the two three of them, not far from one of their semi-abandoned castles. Vladimir decorates it with trinkets from his life and she absolutely adores it.
He wants to turn her as soon as the relationship gets serious. She asks him to wait but a few months later, when she's sitting in am armchair in front of the fire pit with the syntomps of the flu, he kneels in front of her and begs her to let him change her.
"I've never begged in my entire life, yet here I am. I don't want to lose you, and you deserve to be happy. Let me change you".
Volturi guard + guilty pleasures
Has long bubble baths, for which he uses tons of products. From bath bombs to conditioner, this man spares no expenses when it comes to his personal beauty routine.
He lives for shopping. Like obviously he buys the latest trend of clothes, for his wardrobe is always up to date, but he also likes to buy what cannot be described as nothing else if not "useless stuff". He accumulates so many things that periodically, say every month or two, Felix and Heidi have to help him clear out his rooms. Usually, the majority of the objects gets handed out to someone from the coven.
He flirts with absolutely everyone and anyone just because he can (he necessarily doesn't want to do anything with the people he first with).
On his days off, he never gets out of his pajamas. Why does he even own pajama? To see Demetri's Iconic Eye Roll™.
Whenever he's driving a car, he sings loudly the most obnoxious songs. Sometimes passengers like Jane and Alec join him, but once again Demetri is annoyed.
Basically one of Felix's guilty pleasures is annoying Demetri.
Jane loves people watching. Whenever she's out and about she always take time to sit for a bit and watch the people around her. She's both fascinated and repulsed by the humans, who hurry for no reason at all in her eyes. When Alrc joins her, they comment what they see. Sometimes Alec purposely brings Jane out when she's upset for some reason so that she can let her rage out with mean comments to strangers rather than in the castle.
She loves make up and continues to buy the lasted trend, even if she already owns the equivalent amount of items that can be found in any make up shop. Sometimes, when she's in a good mood, she's accompanied by Demetri during these trips to make up stores.
She loves make up not only on herself but also on other people. Everyone in the castle let her practice on them, from Aro, who usually requests something with an excessive amount of glitter, to Demetri, who totally rocks the basic look of eyeliner and lipstick. Even Alec let's her practice on his face, sitting patiently while she figures out contouring. Felix loves when she finds a particular shade of lipstick, like green or blue.
He loves proving his sister wrong about something.
He sometimes continues to play video-game even after his presence has been requested elsewhere -but he only does this when he's sure there won't be dire consequences.
Likes to watch on to the next episode of a box set, ahead of his viewing partners, Felix and Demetri, who inevitably discover his betrayal and kick him out of Movie Night, only to apologize and let him in not even 5 minutes later.
This is 100% what happened!! Demetri was destroyed when his beautiful locks were ruined, but Heidi did a good job and Felix reassured Demetri for weeks on end, cuddling and playing with his hair for most of the days so that the tracker would get his confidence back
So in the books Demetri is described as having long hair. But what if before the events of New Moon, during when the Volturi were doing the immortal children experiments, an immortal child got a hold of his luscious mane and yanked off a good chunk. And Heidi, who has been dying to get her hair hands on his head, gave him a hair cut.
Just a thought.
"The sooner you die, the longer you stay dead."
- Marcus of the Volturi, at some point in his life.