What Not To Tell A Lifeguard - Tumblr Posts
Now when characters in movies do ‘CPR’ I look at their technique. And when they say ‘it’s not working!’
Me: Well that’s because you’re not doing it right unless you hear/feel ribs cracking...
Movie: what do wE dOoOO???
Me: you’re literally just tapping his chest. You gotta like, punch your palms into their chest.
Movie: (feeling the wrong part of the neck) i dOnT fEeL a PuLsE!!!!
Me:You’re supposed to feel the side of the neck with the VeInS fAm
Movie: They’re gone... they’re dead...
Me: NOT IF YOU DO THE CPR RIGHT!!!!!
Movie: There was nothing we could do...
Me: There 👏was 👏plenty👏you👏could👏do👏
Not really a lifeguard thing, but a recent experience of mine.
Literally nothing is more painful than losing interest in something you used to be so passionate about.
Do not tell us that you can have ‘unlimited guests per pool pass’. We know that’s bullshit. You know that’s bullshit. We all know that’s bullshit.
Me: sorry ma’am, the pool is closed right now. The ash and stuff from the fireworks last night got into the pool, we were alerted of a chemical imbalance, and the water is much too low.
Lady: Do YOU knOw HOw hArd it IS to Get reADy for The pOoL????
Me: yes ma’am. I do it every morning.
Lady: well you don’t have KIDS
Me(inwardly): no. But you bring yours to the pool for me to deal with like I’m your fucking babysitter. So I think that counts
Patron: What do you mean the pool is closed? It’s my vacation!
Me: I really am sorry ma’am, but the pool just isn’t safe to swim in right now-
Patron: BUt IT’s mY VACatioN!???!?
Me: OH NO. I am now compelled to open this chemically unbalanced pool because your specific situation is just SO MUCH MORE DIFFERENT than the three other groups of people I’ve had to turn away because of the dangers of getting a chemical burn.
Patron: (angrily) Why is the water cold?
Me:( internally) 1) the sun hasn’t been out all day. 2) I can’t change the temperature in the pool. 3) it’s raining and you really shouldn’t fucking be here.
When there’s a small park next to the pool, you can bet your ass we’re going on that swing set.
Me to a group of teenage boys: Guys, I ain’t gonna tell you again to stop running.
Teenage boy 1: Uh, I’m a lifeguard too, I know what I’m doing
Me: Okay so when you crack your head open on the edge of the pool from slipping, you gon clean it all up then?
Teenage boy 1: *rolls eyes but remains silent*
Me (inwardly): *that’s what I fuckin thought b*
No I will not ‘watch your kids for just a minute while you run off and go somewhere else’. Y’all ain’t paying me extra for babysitting while I’m working.
‘But you’d be watching them anyway! It’s just for 5 minutes!’ I’m watching everyone. And let’s say your kid, in the ‘5 minutes’ you’re gone has a seizure/heat stroke/faints/has any medical emergency. We need you there to supply us with information. Is your child allergic to any thing? Do they have medication to take? Is there an epipen to use? Where do they live? How old are they? Who’s going with them to the E.R (if something really bad happened)?
And let’s not forget that if I take my attention off of any of the patrons at my pool for even 2 minutes someone will break a rule. That’s not me being dramatic. It’s a fact. If I don’t call someone out for running/doing a trick jump/shooting someone in the face with a water gun, they’re gonna keep doing it until someone gets hurt.
So, no. I’m not watching your kid and your kid alone, for ‘just 5 minutes’. This hat says ‘lifeguard’ not ‘baby sitter’.
If you bring us food, you can get away with just about anything at the pool, but you ain’t hear it from me.
Trick jump? I mean, it looked like a fancy cannon ball to me.
Unscheduled birthday party? Nah, y’all just came in and happened to bring birthday food.
Murder? I ain’t see it.
I was to focused on the pizza y’all brought me on that pool break.
Do not ask us how many people we’ve rescued. Just don’t. And if you do decide to ignore me, then don’t just assume that because a lifeguard says ‘Oh I haven’t saved anyone’ that they are incompetent. That means that they are actually preventing accidents before they happen, which should comfort you.
Parent: How many lives have you saved?
Me: Human or Bee?
Y’all, I’ve been doing this job for three years. I’ve had scares before where I thought someone was drowning (mainly children), but because their parents are always vigilant I’ve never had to jump in the water to get anyone. Parents! Please stay aware of where your child is in the pool! If you don’t want them going past a certain depth, tell the lifeguards! We will whistle and warn your child to go back to where you are most comfortable with them playing in the water.
“I don’t like how y’all operate”
-A transcript of an inside joke between me and my co-Guard.
-Additionally why you should get ‘in’ with the regular pool moms
Guard 2: *whistles for adult swim time*
Group of children: *still in the pool after 2 minutes*
Me: Guys come on, adult swim time, y’all gotta get out.
Group of children: *not hearing me because they all have ear plugs in*
Me: *a little louder* GUYS come on, let’s go! Out of the pool please!
Children: *seeing me waving my hands at them telling them to get out, finally start getting out*
Mother: *who has been watching this whole time and knew it was adult swim and did nothing to tell her own kids to get out* come on, get your shit together we’re leaving.
Me: Come on guys, your mom wants to leave, let’s hustle!
Mother: I don’t like how y’all operate.
Me: I’m sorry...???
Mother: I don’t like how you shouted at my kids.
Me: *internally* your kids weren’t listening, they had ear plugs in and couldn’t hear me, and you weren’t doing anything about them either, so I don’t like how I just had to parent your kids for you but you ain’t hear me say shit about it now did ya?
Me: *externally* Oh, ma’am I’m sorry about that-
Mother: The other lifeguard didn’t even call for an adult swim. Y’all just petty.
Me: Oh, no ma’am she did. She whistles 3 minutes ago. All the other kids got out too *i motion to the other kids who are all sitting outside of the pool*
Mother: You did’t have to yell at them like that. You should have just got them attention another way.
Me:??? Okay, sorry about that ma’am. Have a good day.
Me and Guard 2 sharing a look of mutual ‘tf is her problem?’
Cool Pool Mom (to me): Sweetie don’t worry about her. Her husband’s cheating on her anyway.
My face:
Oop look at that, I made another one.
Back at it again with a new meme