Youll Make It - Tumblr Posts

"Are you stupid?!"

She flinched at the condescending tone her mother used when she yelled at her. Her eyes lost it's life and the twinkle that she always seemed to have as she bowed her head in shame, not even bothering to speak up for herself. Tears that she blamed on the fact she was holding back a sneeze even though she knew it was for so much more threatened to fall in her eyes yet she refused to let them fall. She wasn't going to look weak, not when her mother yelled at her for her stupidity. You see, her mother tasked her with the chore to water the plants in their garden and though she managed to do the job correctly, she failed to do one thing. One of their carpets was on the garden drying off after her mother washed it and instead of grabbing the heavy carpet and putting it somewhere else before watering the plants, she chose to merely continue watering the plants and ignoring the carpet, doing her best to not wet it but of course, her attempt was futile as she managed to wet the carpet which then leads to why her mother was yelling at her now.

"You could have at least moved the carpet away or asked one of your brothers to! You stupid child!"

She bit her tongue to stop herself from talking back to her mother knowing that it will only lead to her getting punished. It wasn't as if she didn't try to move the carpet because she did, try that is. She just didn't manage to move the carpet because she was sick and her thighs hurt from the dance practice her class had two days ago plus she wasn't that strong to lift the heavy carpet easily. And she did want to ask one of her brothers to move the carpet for her but she didn't because of two reasons. One, both of them were busy and she knew they would get mad if she interrupted them and two, she feared that they would mock her for not being able to lift the carpet easily as they could. It was stupid, she knew that. No one could have expected her to lift the carpet easily when she was sick and her thigh hurt. But her brother always had the tendency to mock her for every little mistake she did, comparing her to themselves when they were her age. Didn't get ace an exam? They'd have called her stupid and said that when they were her age, they aced their tests easily. Even though she knew some of what they said were false as acing a test isn't a walk in the park, it still hurt because despite not acting like it, she looks up to her brother's a lot and to hear them mock her hurts. Speaking of her brothers, she glanced at them to find them ignoring what was happening as if it was a normal thing which it kinda was but that didn't mean it hurt less. In fact, it seemed to hurt more.

"Why don't you just think for once in your life?"

Her eyes glanced back at her yelling mother before looking back down at the floor in shame, wishing someone would stand up for her the way she was too cowardly to do so. She took a shaky breath as she tried to calm down her nerves, not wanting to break down in front of her mother. It was always like that for her. She always seemed to hide her true feelings from her family. Never protesting against them or trying to fight back. She didn't show them her tears or her pain. She didn't tell them how she felt about the way her parents always seemed to expect her to be perfect even though she wasn't. She didn't utter a protest against them when they forced her to study nor when they took her phone to make her focus on her study more. There are times, though. Times that she would protest but it was only ever uttered in a quiet whisper. Even then, her mother would hear her and scold her for talking back to her even though she only just uttered a small apology. This was one of those times.

"I'm sorry —"

"I don't want to hear it. I expected better from you."

There it was again. The expectation placed on her shoulders — on her thirteen year old shoulders. She bowed her head further feeling more ashamed than she had ever been. She didn't tell her mother how she can screw off because how can she expect a thirteen year old teenage highschool girl to be a perfect girl? She also didn't utter a word about how unfair her mother was being to her. After all, her brothers had no expectations placed on them when they were her age. Was it because she was a girl? If so, she can screw off. Yet she did not say any of these opting to stay silent and endure the verbal abuse. She wanted to ignore it. Ignore the name calling and the mean words. Ignore how her brothers stayed quiet and not do anything to help her. Ignore how her father wasn't here to calm her mother down since he was in the other side of the world. Ignore the pain. Ignore the hurt. Just everything. Yet she knew that she couldn't. Her mind refused to let her have the bliss of tuning out the harsh words yelled at her by the very same woman who bore her.

"Get out of my face. I don't want to see you."

And just like that, she maneuvered around her mother and left the room walking like she normally did. Her head looking straight ahead, her back straight, and no emotion on her face.

Don't show them how your hurting. Stay strong. Have no emotion. Stand straight. Don't let them know their words hurt you. Those were her rules and she'd be damned if she broke one of them, especially after a verbal attack from mother dearest.

She went up the stairs of her house and to the upstairs living room. She turned the fan on before staring straight ahead of her — she could see their neighborhood from the window in front of her — knowing what was about to happen. She wasn't able to close her eyes when it happened. When the tears started to fall. Even though she knew it was going to happen, she still cursed herself before going to one of the two bathrooms upstairs not bothering to off the fan as she knew one of her brothers would go upstairs any minute now. She turned on the lights and locked the bathroom door before she stood in front of the bathroom mirror taking in the view in front of her. As expected, she looked horrible. Her eyes were red as was her nose. Her normally olive pale skin had a red tint on them. Tears continued to fall from her face as she wiped then off rapidly. Her breathing was visible yet she still did her best to be quiet not wanting anyone to hear her. Not wanting anyone to know that she was crying. Her hands gripped the sides of the sink, her tears ceasing to fall for the time being, as she chuckled to herself in a self-deprecating way.

Look at you, she thought to herself as she stared back at her reflection with her tears falling yet again. So pathetic, she belittled herself. Why are you crying over such a little thing? She asked herself even though she knew that it wasn't a little thing. Being yelled at by your mother over a mistake you did isn't a little thing, not for her. Being called stupid and moronic isn't a little thing. Watching your brothers ignore you and not stand up for you when you're being yelled at isn't a little thing. Being verbally attacked isn't a little thing. Having big expectations placed on you and being yelled at for not being able to live up to it isn't a little thing. Yet she still thought it was. Why? Because she knew that someone out there had it rougher than her even though she knew it wasn't a good enough reason for her to belittle herself and deprive herself from the bliss of loving herself. It seemed that nothing that she did or thought was good enough. Not to her and especially not to her family.

She recalled how her friends encouraged her to stand up for herself against her parents the way she stands up for herself and for her friends against anyone who dared hurt them yet she couldn't bring herself to. She wasn't courageous enough and every time she did try to, she would either manage to get yelled at or talk herself out of it saying things such as her parents were hurt, they didn't mean it, they loved her for herself, they were just disappointed and didn't mean to yell at her. She always gave excuses for their actions even when their actions had gone too far. She never went against her family and maybe it wasn't for the best. After all, would it really be the best to simply opting to stay silent and not stand up for herself when she always somehow managed to cry herself to sleep or fool herself of a life she knew was far out of her reach? It wasn't yet she couldn't bring herself to go against them. Maybe one day they'd realize and things would change. It was unlikely yet she let her thirteen year old self to believe that. She let herself have hope even though she knew that she would hurt herself deeply when — if she finds out her hope of a better life wasn't going to happen.

She took a shaky breath before staring at her no longer crying self at the mirror. "You got this..." She whispered to herself as quiet as she could with a shaky voice. Her eyes blinked a few times before she nodded at her reflection as if approving the way her tears were no longer falling even though it was still quite obvious that she had. "Be strong..." She couldn't afford to have herself be in a weak state, especially in front of her family. She was always like that. She always took everything with a calm yet empty look on her face and never showed any of her pain. She wasn't a fan of crying in front of her family and/or her classmates. They knew her as the smart, kind, polite, hardworking, understanding, helpful yet also funny, goofy, not afraid of causing trouble, always in her own little world, and geeky girl who has a lot of memes in her disposal, likes to read books a lot, and a teacher's pet. They knew her as the facade she built in order to hide her pain and so, letting them see her cry would have ruined the image she built up. It was normal for a girl to cry but for them, for the people that knew her, it would be weird for them to see her openly sob her eyes out. "Don't let them see your tears..." She stared before opening the tap and washing her face in hopes to make the fact that she had been crying not so noticeable. It worked but only just slightly. It was still noticeable but it wouldn't be for long, she'd make sure of that. She then continued to stare at her reflection. Staring at the girl who had obviously been crying and whose eyes screamed for help despite the lack of life in them.

Walk out and act like nothing happened.

And that she did as she finally opened the door of the bathroom and walked out to see one of her brother on the living room sitting like she had expected. His eyes found hers as they continued to stare at each other even when she started to move towards his direction. They didn't say anything. They never did. It was a silent agreement between the three siblings that none of them would mess with each others affairs lest it be necessary. Despite the fact her brothers mocked her all the chance they get, she knew that some of their words were lies and just jokes. She just didn't know how much of it were just that. Lies and jokes. She was sure that he took notice of her still red eyes and slightly red nose but said nothing. He hadn't before so why start now? She was the first to break eye contact as she neared him and grabbed her phone that was charging before leaving the room and into her own.

She was tempted to close the door yet she didn't as she had a feeling that one of them would go into her room and out into the terrace her room was connected to. She glanced at her bed and contemplated laying down and resting after what happened but decided against it. Her feet carried her to her study desk that had her current project in display and a bunch of materials as well as one book and a monitor, mouse, and printer. She sat down on the chair before opening the drawer of her study desk to find the keyboard. She played with the keys for a bit before she closed the drawer and opted to place her feet on the space on her desk, feeling grateful that her mother was too busy cooking downstairs to go to her room and scold her for her choice of sitting.

For a few moments, she just simply stated at nothing as she pondered on what would happen next. She knew that after a few minutes her mother would have already calmed down enough for her to not be berated during dinner which she was grateful for but she also knew that her mother wouldn't apologize and it hurt. Knowing that her mother wouldn't apologize to her after all that she said — nay yelled at her hurt. It hurt but she'll get over it. She had to. She also knew that it would be just like before her mother's outburst. Pretending that nothing's wrong, pretending that their latest argument — or really her mother's latest outburst didn't happen, pretending that she was alright when she really wasn't, and putting back the same old facade she built years ago when her mother finally decided to put a huge amount of expectations on her daughter's shoulders — on her shoulders. The facade that everyone seemed to fall for. Even her friends and family. Sure, her friends knew that she wasn't alright but that was only because she told them about it. She doubted that they would have found out about her situation if she hadn't told them but that might just have been the doubt in her mind that her friends actually cared for her. Her mind reminded her of their little get together yesterday. One of her friends who was a year below her and her two best friends decided to ask all of them — all of her friends including her — to go hang out with her, the birthday celebrant, in the mall to celebrate her birthday. Most of them agreed, she had too. The few that weren't allowed to go were one of her two best friends and their friend who really couldn't go because her parents were strict on her in a protective way. After all, they had planned on going to a far place so it would take an hour or so for them to go home which would then mean that they would be going home at night. Her best friend that wasn't allowed to go said that she had to go to a funeral that day and wouldn't be able to go to their get together / hangout party and that was alright for them. She, on the other hand, didn't even need to ask her parents to know that she would probably not even allowed to go even though she promised she would. Even though she wanted to. Days before their planned hangout, she told her friends that she wouldn't be able to go as her mother was slightly angry at her. She apologized to the birthday celebrant and after a while, she and her best friend that wasn't coming continued to joke that they would have a get together of their own because they weren't coming. But then, the day of the get together came and that was when she realized that her best friend who said she wouldn't be able to go had lied. Their group chat that day was silent and when she asked where they were they revealed that they met some of their friends at school — one of which were her old crush — and that her best friend that said she wouldn't go was there and to say that she was hurt was an understatement. It was petty and she didn't really know why she was hurt or angry but she supposed it was because her best friend had lied to her. Fooled her into believing that she wouldn't be alone in feeling left out because it was obvious that they had a lot of fun and had many funny moments that she wouldn't be able to relate to. Maybe it was because she felt like she was growing apart from her friends? Maybe. After all, her two best friends were together and they had a hangout of their own — it was before they got together — so she felt left out. Her other friends? She wasn't really close to them and she never really knew what they felt about her.

After that, she told everyone not to text her because she was being petty and she was beginning to regret that now. She didn't have anyone to talk to. Sure, she could just talk to her friends and apologize but she felt so ashamed because she knew that her friends would ask her why she told them to not text her or communicate with her in any way and she didn't know what she would say. Sure, she had her online friends but it wouldn't be the same as they don't know her the same personal way her friends did. Her eyes looked up at the ceiling of her room as she wondered where it all went wrong. Where her simple life became so...so... so complicated. Where her life changed, for better or for worse? She didn't know. Her eyes flickered to her phone and then to her earphones before smiling softly. If there was one thing that never change though was the fact that music always seemed to cheer her up. And so, with that, she opened her phone and plugged in her earphones before going to her musics and pressing shuffle play.

Her eyes closed as the music she knew all to well started to blast in her ears in a way that calmed her down. In a way that made her forget of all the problems she had. Of all the drama. In a way that made her feel like she wasn't alone. That there's an end to this rough road that she took.

"It feels like they're coming at me, from all sides

It feels like I've got nowhere to run, nowhere to hide

It feels like I'm never good enough

It feels like I'm always just trying

Sometimes I feel like I should give up

And sometimes I feel like I'm dying."

Her eyes fluttered open as she smiled a bittersweet smile at just how the song was so relatable. She opened her mouth and started to quietly sing the chorus of the song to herself.

"I'm falling to pieces but nobody knows

I'm falling to pieces but won't let it show

I'm hanging from Parasails that are wearing out

I'm crashing down as my dreams fade out

I've been falling to pieces for what feels like forever

Can somebody put me back together?"

Before she could continue however, her other brother came in her room and as she expected, went outside to the terrace. She stared at his form before quieting down and putting back her calm, apathetic facade. She exited her music app and saw that she received a message from their class group chat. Curious, she opened the bubble and read the message in the photo messaged to them by their class secretary.

The message was clear. There are no classes tomorrow and for that, she was grateful. Even though it meant she'd have to endure her mother longer than usual, it meant that she'd be given the time to sort out her feelings for her friends — more specifically, for her best friend who had the nerve to lie to them. Confrontations weren't her strong suit and she knew that if there had been school tomorrow, she would have been confronted and wasn't quite fond of the idea. Her mother barely confronts her with anything and her brothers didn't really care about what she does so she knew that there would be no confrontations from her family. They would all just pretend nothing is wrong. It wasn't right and it hurt but she was used to it and if she hadn't, she would have gotten used to it.

She heard her mother calling for them for supper and stood up immediately. She paused her music and put down her phone before leaving the room, feeling better than when she has entered. Sure, she wasn't in the best of moods as she didn't really feel anything when she left — she wasn't happy, she wasn't upset, she wasn't angry, she was just neutral — but it was better than being upset and showing her mother that her words affected her.

So long as she didn't do anything stupid tomorrow, things will be just fine. She knew that she'd have to face the issue of her friends sooner rather than later but after her mother's outburst, she wasn't really in the mood for being confronted by her friends so soon after said outburst. She also knew that she can't just keep on delaying herself from confronting her problems but right now, she was worn out from crying and being yelled out. Right now she'll let herself have the bliss of time. She'll let herself pick herself up before she does anything else. For now, she'll heal and she'll be better. She had to be. It was what her family expected from her and despite their harsh words and their indifference, they were still her family and she'd be damned if she failed them. Maybe one day things will be better. Maybe one day she won't have to live with the fear of failing her family. Maybe one day she'll no longer feel left out and forgotten by her friends. Maybe one day she'll be able to show her true emotions. Maybe one day she'll be able to think back to this as something that was so long ago. Maybe one day she'll be a better person. Maybe one day she'll see her worth. Maybe one day she'll be able to love herself for herself. But those were only maybes and might not happen. Even then, she'll let herself have hope. After all, losing hope will be the moment she gave up and she doesn't plan on giving up so soon. Not when she can help it.

—

"You're stronger than you think you are. Don't sell yourself short. I'll get through this and so will you..."

— From one broken warrior to another

"I can't say that I understand you completely because I don't know what you've been through but I can say that I know pain because of what I've been through as well and if I can get through this, so will you."

— From one hurt(ing) person to another

"I can't fight your own battles for you but I promise that I'll fight it with you. After all, what are friends for?"

— To a friend who needs to know that I'll be there for them, always