Depression Is My Sunshade

Depression is my sunshade

In the sunlight I wither and despair

Shadows under branches,

offer sweet refuge and care.

Flowers tilt up

towards the warmth and light

But I feel the glow is poison

Something in me isn't right.

Tonight I hold off the weight of expectations. I drape myself in moonlight and hold on to a small delight: That it will be alright.

Three things you see and hope it sets you free.

I see the glaring white light, emiting from the bulb in the ceiling. It's too bright to look at for more than a moment, and so instead my eyes find you sitting beside me, you are unaware of my high anxiety. Next I see the bottle placed in between us, it is filled with tap water and at last I start to think, that i might not sink.

So I breath a little deeply, counting up to four not five, and after a few minutes it feels like I'll survive.

what I am thankful for.

I am incredibly lucky and have many things to thankful for : the first and foremost being that I am alive. Life has the potential to be the greatest gift, it is the most important thing we are given, it is a seed of joy and sadness, and all I feel for it is immense gladness.

Enough is enough

This is it now. Enough is enough. I've had it with myself and my stupid ways, no more going back on obligations, no more missing important deadlines, no more hiding away from the problem hoping it will go away. This is the end of the bloody cycle. Time to make progressive movement.

There's only so many times I can make the same mistakes, and have the same choas circle around me in a taunting dance. It ends. Now. Yes it terrifyingly, yes the brain immediately recoils and self sabotages, but what's the alternative? I don't want to go through this state of panic and stress every time. It's like unconsciously walking through fire with no control. I'm just being worked by a default programing, and I've had enough.

This is my fault, the absolute avalanche of problems that I'm blind to every time they come around, are my own doing. Everyone has their own default programme, its learning to override it that's going be your saving grace, not using the same tools and functions as before just because they feel the safest and easiest to use. Its difficult, but not impossible.

I don't believe that any truly kind or just creator would send you to hell, for simply not believing in them. Wouldn't it be more kind and just to judge a person on the values they lived by, not what god they thought real.