Life Learning - Tumblr Posts
Enough is enough
This is it now. Enough is enough. I've had it with myself and my stupid ways, no more going back on obligations, no more missing important deadlines, no more hiding away from the problem hoping it will go away. This is the end of the bloody cycle. Time to make progressive movement.
There's only so many times I can make the same mistakes, and have the same choas circle around me in a taunting dance. It ends. Now. Yes it terrifyingly, yes the brain immediately recoils and self sabotages, but what's the alternative? I don't want to go through this state of panic and stress every time. It's like unconsciously walking through fire with no control. I'm just being worked by a default programing, and I've had enough.
This is my fault, the absolute avalanche of problems that I'm blind to every time they come around, are my own doing. Everyone has their own default programme, its learning to override it that's going be your saving grace, not using the same tools and functions as before just because they feel the safest and easiest to use. Its difficult, but not impossible.
Today, someone just said to me, "don't be so hard on yourself for not being the "adult version" of yourself you want. You're still a kid in adulthood, it'll take time for you to know how it works."
Wow. I'm too stunned at how much it makes sense.
31 -
Something I’ve been thinking about lately: we really aren’t in control of anything. Life is going to happen, people are going to people. I think having a false sense of control, a false sense of ego - this is our ultimate hubris.
Why do we care so much about the opinions of others? They never have the full story.
I recognize I speak from a place of privilege and not everyone has the same opportunities or freedom to choose.
If you think about it, we are all so wrapped up in our own heads. No one, NO ONE, is thinking about me as much or in the same way I think about myself. It’s a double-edged sword: we don’t really matter to anyone else as much as we matter to ourselves. It’s a lonely thought. At the same time, it’s so freeing. Those humiliating moments, those mistakes & regret we hang onto and let color everything we think about ourselves moving forward - people aren’t thinking about them the way we do. In fact, I’d venture to say that most of the time, they may not even remember.
Example: I went to a meeting with my good friend while I was visiting my mom. He’s in recovery and he brought up this time that he was being irresponsible & drove over my foot with his car and I was so angry at him. I can’t even recall that happening. Same thing - I brought up this time that he was telling me how broken he felt and I condescendingly told him “well if you know there’s a problem, then go fix it - maybe you just don’t care enough to”. Lol not my most empathetic moment. He barely remembers that conversation.
Everyone is living their own reality. I’m coming to realize truth and fact are not the same - truth is actually incredibly subjective. It’s dependent on the individual and their perception/their beliefs can skew it. It’s like when two people look at the same picture and feel something different. Or when two people are asked to recreate a work of art and their creations are different from each other, in addition to being different from the original. Similar, but not exactly the same.
Wealth, status, power - these are all social constructs. These are ideas. Who came up with them? Certainly not a higher being, but another human before our time. I won’t delve into this too much, but none of it really matters in the long run. That fancy car, being a CEO, being with someone “out of your league” - it won’t give you the validation you seek. It won’t add or take away from who you are, what your intrinsic values are.
So what to do with all of this? Still trying to figure it out but I think it boils down to - do whatever the fuck you want. No one cares, no one’s looking at you (if they are, they’re looking at themselves in you - projecting). This is life, we all get one shot, so don’t be afraid. Acknowledge your past but don’t let it consume you. Every day is a new day, a new opportunity, to: do what you love, say what you feel, start again, change the future.
I’m sitting on a plane to go back home & I’ve had a bit of caffeine lol.
