I Am Sad

I am sad

Something feels

Missing...

How do I figure out what?

A lost dream?

A confused fantasy?

I want something more

But I can't define it.

This is the story of my life

The lost child

Aiming to take on God.

No promise of death or life

But the need to question remains the same.

I have never been able to place myself,

And now it has only gotten harder.

I find I am unable to admit

Even to me

What it is that I want.

I have seen everything

Every image of myself

Above and below.

God and the sinner

The devil and the savior.

I have found that righteousness is a point of view

And because of this

Nothing is ever pure.

I broke the law

Spat in its face

Even though

I formed its soul.

These words are nonsensical

I've written long enough to see my own joke.

Still

I can't stop.

Some part of me continues to believe.

I want to be truthful.

I want to stand before myself and not flinch.

My nature has been to run

And this fills me with such guilt.

I once held such lofty ambitions for my soul

But what are these dreams

Given my wickedness?

Pride

Ego

I have worshiped myself

Failing to question my worth.

God is guilty

And I am god.

How far I have come

Since I sat on the Mount.

Writing long poems

Only for myself.

Not oblivious

To my own condescension.

Rambling because I can never tell when to quit.

I live in self hatred;

Dealing

In self doubt.

I wanted all the world to be free

But then aimed for them to be slaves to me.

How do you overcome your own soul?

Your own nature and sprees?

I can't understand it.

I can't even give it a name.

Yet I keep on writing

Crying

As I avoid my own glare.

I hate who I am

Only because it exists in a world with others.

When alone I love myself

Until my own selfishness dawns on me.

I am not all knowing.

I am not perfect.

I am still God

But what does that even mean?

Wrong from the start.

Wicked from my beginning.

A foolish arrogant idiot

Who believes only they know the truth.

All the while evil reigns

Using the same laws

I laid down.

Everything goes up in flames

And I descend through my own guilt.

An unworthty savior

Battling through their own humanity.

Understanding

That people are more worthy of themselves

Than I could ever be.

Figuring out how to exist

After my own decent

I fumble through it all

Stumbling over my own identity.

One day I think I will live,

And it will be after I've laid down my arms.

My own arrogance

My own profered up ego;

My own declared divinity.

It will be beyond my own need be wo shoped;

My own need to be loved by all.

One day I will learn to accept myself

And in that moment

I will be able to understand

How little I actually matter.

The world holds itself accountable.

It doesn't need me.

I was never anything worth thought

And yet I am.

I exist for me.

I am that I am.

I stand before myself

As all of creation stands before its self.

All I want is to live

And for each being to live.

Free of our hate

And free of our need to be right.

Beyond the power or others;

Free from the authority of adjacent souls.

I unbound by antagonistic lives

That obscure our view of infinite dreams.

Eternity is a long time to entertain ourselves

And I cannot be sure where we all are.

If done ever

Who can be sure

All we have is this moment

Ok praying to be alive.

It is more than anyone can actively undertand

Or maybe I am just so small.

All I know is this day to day survival

Battling with hatred and love.

One day I hope for peace

But I cannot be sure.

Faith is a weapon held against those who try

And I am one

Who has yet to figure out how.

So I write long wonder poems

Because I never know when to quit.

This is why death exists

To cut short assholes

Like myself.

I hate my life

And yet I love it.

It exists for me

And I struggle with it.

There is so much injustice I have let slide

Because I was preoccupied with my own aggrendizment.

I failed to see the suffering that exists

While focusing on

The metaphysical of humanity.

I thank you for forgiving me.

For humoring me all the more.

If you pass me over

I understand that too

For it is important to do so.

God never understood the world they created.

It wasn't like them.

I spite of their intentions

Their creation was an accident.

So I am.

A lost soul

Amount lost souls.

A whispering dream

Alone

As each individual is

When facing who they are

Before only themselves

Stretched beyond eternity.

This is my fear

And this is my dream.

My heart can't bear the final words

And so it stretches beyond its own sound advice.

I can't let go.

I refuse to let go.

This is for me

Trying to understand

"why anything?"

I hope you can forgive me.

Who else will save me from hell?

I hope we all make it

When we each can forgive ourselves.

I don't know how to end it.

I don't know how to live it.

I want

I want

I want more than this body can give me.

Forgive me

Forgive me

Please

Person

Individual

Forgive me.

Show me how to be better

A lost soul

Unable to find their way.

I love you all who made it this far.

You are my inspiration;

My reason for maturing as a person.

Love me

Hate me

Teach me how to be me.

A mask made self aware

The last vestige of me own soul.

Dream or yourself

And maybe I will too.

We are each worthy of godhood

As much as anyone ever has been.

Live

Die

Eternity is a long time to exist.

All that matters

Is that you are satisfied when you choose your end

I want it more than anything

A final sleep

And then my peace.

Can I run away?

Can I hide myself in the deep dark wood

And put this pain away?

Commit to the visions of my younger days

Dance 'neath stars and boughs

As I call on ancient names.

Read, write, meditate

Delve into those mysteries

That once amazed me as a child.

I've lived too long in the world.

Long enough to watch my own soul grow cold.

Conquered by necessity,

Caught up in survival.

Praying now for the garden I abandoned

My old stone throne

Beside the water's edge.

- me myself, Andrew

No one has ever seen me.

I create masks to hide behind.

Each person gets there own

A special me just for them.

No one ever asks for more,

Can I be mad they are unaware

Of what remains hidden

Behind my eyes?

I am a dream

I silent illusion

Lord of the air

A vacant space.

No one has ever seen into my heart

No one has ever wondered at who I might be.

No more than the version of me that they require;

The first answer they get

The summation of who I am.

- me

I find myself wondering

How good of a person am I?

For those tempted to reassure me

Shut up.

In all honesty

I know I am not as bad as I would like to think.

On the other hand

I'm not very good.

I lust and hate

Not sins

Cheat myself and others.

I want more

Always more.

I am never satisfied

My imagination runs too wild.

I wanted god's throne

And took it

Even as I denied wanting it.

I wanted the world

And took it

Even while spilling rivers of blood.

I am lost in mythology;

Obscured by religion.

I am prideful above all else

And overwhelmed with shame.

I do not write for the masses.

As much as I might want to.

I write because I'm empty inside

And hope I can fill my void.

Even now

I have lost the purpose for my being here.

So many things;

I will never share with you.

I am angry

Wrathful towards mortality.

I loathe my own weakness

And rage against these constraints.

I resent reality's failure

To keep up with my imagination.

I want life to match my dreams

Whatever the cost.

Yet I am flesh

And I am not entirely able to forget it.

So I weave back down

And try to touch my own existence.

Here people are alive

Demons rule

Gods wear masks of piety.

Civilization breeds slaves

And I understand how strong that word is.

People live their lives in service to others.

They are given enough to subsist

But are never allowed to excel.

Their bounds are marked

Their lives designed.

We were thankful for what we are givin

And are incapable of seeking more

Though we may dream

We do not believe.

Though we hope

We dare not sure to seek.

Our world is manufactured against us

And we cannot find our way out.

Our gods are wicked.

They are the ones who live on high.

Those we envy

And look to for hope

Revile

And pray ill on.

This is our world;

Our reality.

We are in fact slaves

And we would kill each other first

Before those who keep us here.

I once believed we could rise up.

Now

I think part of us will always fight

To keep others down.

Too long in the mires of lost gods

To be able to put our species first.

This are we doomed,

Damned to die because we cannot move past.

Bound to...

What do I call it?

Such stupidity as to make me wish we would all die.

At least then there would be quiet.

All the arguing

Hating

Damning and persecuting.

All the aspects of our species

Put to death

And life allowed to continue.

No more awareness.

No more consciousness.

Only the blissful ignorance

Of existence just existing.

Then again

I don't know how to give up

And so I keep on hoping

Even against hope.

I am about to begin

A great deal of change.

A new life

A new form

A new soul?

I have been at war with who I am

Since I first began to wonder.

Back to the age of "is this a dream"

And the agony of puberty.

Worshiping love

Longing to meet

That soul who can help me be free.

I can't even set my own path

Only go forward

Hoping these are the steps I am meant to take.

Can any one walk with me?

It has been hard enough for me

Who could I expect to join me

In my crusade against the order of this world?

I hate

Yes

Deeply.

I despise

Rage

And long to see things fall.

Why?

Because I believe in my own value

And this value

I correlate to the value of living

Thinking being

You

Me

The people who walk beside us

Every last mind

Who doesn't know what the hell is going on.

Humans

Just trying to make it through.

It is not easy

Nor can it be.

This is the cost of living.

The price of being in charge

Of our own momentary actions.

God in the world of gods.

Desiring life

Without consequence.

Will you join me?

The fire spoke to me when I was young

And after it the darkness.

This all corresponding to god

Who came to me in the night

Dementing me

Twisting me

Turning me inside out with need

Want

Yearning.

Will you join me?

Hatred

Anger

Aggression

Rage

Wrath

An unwillingness to submit.

Will you join me?

Is the world you live in worth dying for?

Is burning it down worth it?

I resent being bound

This flesh

This mortality.

Let's kill it

Kill it and no longer think about it

Relish in its blood

Drinking deep

Losing our minds.

Will you join me

And in the new world

Determine your own breath?

I wanted to be a savior

But what does that even mean?

Who has the right?

My arrogance has known no bounds.

My momma raised me blessedly

And yet I have found myself lacking.

I saw the world through a certain lense

Fractured

But more idealized than is real.

I sat on God's throne

Loved and hated

Saw my own hypocrisy

And here I am.

Who deserves to stand over another?

Who deserves to look down and see someone else?

It is its own crime;

Who is able to defend it?

I have hated

Yes

I have loved.

Seen my own soul

And wondered at the world.

No one is good

And no one is evil.

More often than not

Whoever claims one is wrong.

I have seen my own sin.

Been so crushed by it

I was willing to kill myself.

To die

To be sacrificed;

To find myself upon my own alter

Because I could not deal with my own guilt.

But this too was for me.

A selfish act designed to make me feel special.

All I have loved is me

And because of this

I can't forget the world.

If I exist

So must everyone else.

If I gave a right to be

Then so do all the others.

My mother taught me this

But in this world

I have not seen it.

Only in that which I imagine can it be

While in my day to day

Violence reigns over all.

Because of this I hate

Yet still I crave its destruction.

The bloodrhirst of God

That has defined all my days.

Ever since that bastard first came into my room

God of all creation

A shadow on my wall.

My own darkness

Masquerading as light

Preaching from their pullpits

A lie who spreads the truth.

I am a convoluted thought;

A twisted notion of what is right.

Equal parts saving

As I am killing everyone.

A monstrous thing to say.

If only everyone could be so honest.

How many would gladly end all the noise

If only they could sleep soundly.

This is all for me.

I don't do it for anyone.

In privacy I belong to the masses

But her I say what I will.

I have hungered

And fed.

Gluttoned on reality.

I would devour all that is

Of only to create

A new world for myself.

I am all that is.

All that can be known.

For only I am me

And only myself can I understand.

This is what I hope for all.

That they be free to live and die.

All eternity

Stretched for them.

Infinite layers

Of their own psyche.

I can't adequately explain it.

We have auto text now.

Daily we become more like God

Ever unraveling

The very notion of what God is.

Turns out

God was never more than us

And we were never more than them

Deafened by the noise;

A fool trying to answer life.

This is all I know;

That I am nothing,

But only as I compare

Myself to all others.

So live

Breath

Drink and have sex.

Who will judge you but yourself,

It is actually easy

To convict god in his own court of law.

I have done it.

You will do it.

God so hated themself that they blotted out their soul.

Burn it.

Burn the image.

All that is sacred is you.

Everything else is coming down,

Save your own soul

In what ever form that means.

We are all children

Before god's world breaks us.

Will you damn a child?

Can you condemn such sin?