Regret - Tumblr Posts
I messed up some conversations today with very kind people and it makes me feel very sad, I was too self centered and didn't pay attention to their needs. I wanted to stop but couldn't because of the burn out... Sometimes when I feel pain I don't see others, and I am so sorry for that... I wish I could fix relationships i have ruined by not paying attention 😔
The Heron
I want to weigh nothing and bury myself in a nest of silken sheets and blankets that never crumple or lose their softness. I wish my flesh was made of feathers so I could take off and get away from the mess I am tangled in.
Let me not feel guilt or shame or any of these very human things that are nothing but more weight on my already bulky and grotesque form.
Oh to be a heron; Lanky and graceful in all the most terrible ways. I'd like to wade through water with the patience of a mute and the calm of an empty auditorium. Legs like the kind of grass that ripples in a breeze. Tall, thin, and unkempt. Feet that strike the earth with precision and purpose. A beak sharp as the tools humans use to butcher what could have been my meal. And eyes that bore into souls, yet have none of the sort behind them.
Alas, I am bound to this human form and burdened with thoughts that branch far past what my next meal will be and how I will feed my offspring.
Let me know happiness as simple as the creatures that move around the Earth. Not dependent on others. Carefree and beautiful in my solitude and selfishness.
The heron feels complete even though its existence is truly nothing special in others' eyes. The heron cannot damage things that matter, unlike myself.
My Heart
It hangs precariously from a single digit on your left hand. A fragile thread keeping it aloft as it shifts restlessly in a breeze. I presented that broken and wrongly-bloodied mess to you in the form of a confession. It was a guilty admission that I had done something terribly cruel to myself. I trusted you to care for it. Then this? This is the treatment it receives? It does not even rest in your palm. I had expected for you to treat it with a little more care and respect, to treat it better than I have, but no. You could not even offer me the courtesy of holding it responsibly, so that if it falls and breaks, it is your fault. So that I can blame you instead of the winds.
Those arteries and veins and muscles that pumped life through me; I gave them to you because you had me fooled that you could care for them better than I; That you could keep the blood as red and pure as wine; That you could keep it from spilling time and time again; And from creating a new, harder to clean, deep red stain on the carpet of my bedroom.
A bedroom is a god's domain. You would know. A space that should be worshipped and treated as if it is a church or a temple. Each time you spill blood in my bedroom you taint my life like no other can. Because I gave my heart up to you in a blinding haze of unusual affection and compassion that has driven me mad ever since.
I hope that next time you are careless and my heart breaks a little more in consequence, you are reminded that the lost blood will follow you. That my tragedy does not exclusively lead to me anymore. Your footsteps leave their prints behind in the same horrifying deep red.
I TURNED THE RADIO ON YEaTERDAy AND NOW I HAVE THE STUPID ALL TIME LOW SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD I CAN'T FUCKING STUDY UGH FUCK AKSISLSMWJSJSHS
I regret how badly this comic turned out after being scanned, which is apt I feel, as the comic is about regret. Yep.
Third song on my "Six Songs" EP. Lyrics: Wading through The memories Of that time You were beautiful Fixated on The tragedies Of my life I was difficult And baby was Your only name I didn't know you at all And baby is Your only name I don't know you at all Wasting all My precious time Trying to put things right Wishing you'd still want me Fading into The starry night I knew then What it meant to be lonely And baby was Your only name I didn't know you at all And baby is Your only name I don't know you at all
Song number 9 on "Organic Discontent." I've always liked the idea of murder ballads, but I'd never really found one that was as crushingly bleak as I might have liked. This song is an attempt to fill something of that hole for myself. I tried to imagine what it might feel like to have done something utterly horrid that cannot be undone. I wanted to try to capture something of what I imagine must be a moment of piercing realisation, when instinct, aggression and adrenaline instantly recede and a heavy tidal wave of acute, oppressive awareness comes rolling in, leaving your entire being flooded with sickening regret. We should always remember that killing another human being is actually incredibly easy and something, I believe, we are all capable of ... to be human and to live in any way that even comes close to what we might define as "good" requires eternal vigilance.
holy shit
Old memories best forgotten, and a face being seen twice.
I am so scraping on this Zenonia content lmaooooooo
some fast zenonia doodlesÂ
Been playing Zenonia 4 lately and I really like the main character, Regret.
Zenonia
It was so unfair.
Pardon had been given the opportunity to watch the future after he'd apprenhensively and suspiciously threw his sword at the wall. While it took a lot more time to convince him, he never thought that he'd agree to such a ludicrous thought.
It wasn't much of a thought. Not anymore.
But as the videos progressed, as the room became less empty, he thought of how unfair it was to watch someone's life like it was some story. For entertainment.
That pain and suffering conveyed at the screen were not fake and to see it play out with such detail felt almost disrespectful to see. But the voice told him that this was necessary. That this was for the sake of the future. So he watched.
So he watched his son's life play before him.
And his heart sank.
After his death, Regret's life took a turn for the worst.
At first Regret denied his death but he was forced to accept it as he saw his corpse being lowered to the ground. He refused to leave his bed for the first week as his death weighed heavily on his shoulders that he couldn't bring himself out from the comfort of their own home.
The second...well.
Regret left town. He left to make himself a home at Adonis and work to his hearts content as he tried to navigate his way without Pardon. But it didn't feel like he left willingly. Sure, he agreed, but mostly because of how different everyone started treating him.
Anger quickly draws ahold of him at how the townsfolk treated Regret after his death. He always knew the villagers didn't like him. The fact that everyone was so adamant in convincing him to return back to duty and leave the kid to an orphanage told him right off the bat that they didn't like Regret. But he never knew it was this bad.
He never knew it was to the point that they wanted Regret gone that they'd send him to his death.
So when Billy offered to let him stay at Adonis, his chest lightened.
It was outlived quickly.
Because oh dear god.
Billy was...he was...
He gave Regret another offer. A way to become stronger. To join him and his group—the Guild of Night—to train him. Help him become stronger. And in his grief, Regret accepted.
But that wasn't the case.
Because after winning a challenge to prove Regret was worthy of joining became his hell and purgatory. Came endless grueling training that forced his son to his feet despite wiggling legs and a stumbling limp. Wounds covered his body, some of which he's sure will scar for the rest of his life as a smoldering tattoo sat on his shoulder, skin angry and red and the haunting Dragon Clan symbol showing where he belonged to.
Like an object. A fucking object.
But the other members show it off proudly and Regret does too even with stiff held back shoulders and a shaky tired grin on his bruised face.
The grin slowly fades as a permanent frown tugged at the corner of his lips, eyes dim and dull, the light gone from those brilliant blues and he's not sure if they'll ever shine again.
His proud boy became meek. Silent. Aloof. Something he never thought he'd see in him. He flinched whenever someone got too close and becomes quiet whenever someone raised their voice.
But Regret was different in that training ground. Someone fierce, unrelenting, cruel—or trying to be. But everytime he got the opportunity to strike a finishing blow, he hesitates. And someone shouts and shouts and shouts until Regret was on the ground heaving and coughing and puking.
And tears roll down his watery blues. "But there has to be—"
Then he winced at another reprimanding yell. Pardon has to physically restrain himself from throwing hands at a screen because Regret gets held by the throat and lifted off the ground and his face was turning blue as he tried to fight the hand trying to take his air and his life—
"—I'm trying to make you strong! Don't you want to be strong?!"
"I-I do but—!" Came his choked reply, saliva and blood trailing down his chin.
"Then give me everything you've got! Come at me!"
At another round of stabbing silence, Regret was thrown to the hard floor.
His son gasped and gasped and gasped, clawing his broken hand to his chest as though it'll help him breathe normally again before tears flood his cheeks.
And then another scream. "Do you want to avenge him?!"
And suddenly, Pardon's heart dropped to his stomach.
That was the reason he joined. That was the reason he accepted. He was the reason Regret accepted in the first place.
"Do you want to make him proud?!"
And Regret trembled from the floor, sweat, tears, and blood pooling below him.
"Are you gonna just let his murderer run away?!"
Something changed because Regret shook harder and his knuckles turned white clenched on the ground. He breathed, his ragged breaths echoing through the walls, becoming pants.
"Are you just gonna let that murderer live when your father died—?!"
Regret screamed.
And there's red. There's so much red.
Billy was dead.
His son stared at the corpse with dead eyes, void of any light, glazed with a haunting look as murky blues reflect the blood staining the floor.
Billy was dead.
Pardon can't help but feel satisfied. The traitor. The bastard. He released a breath he didn't know he was holding and watched as the door opened and two dragons come, one taking the body, the other taking Regret.
"Good job." It said with a hand on his head. Regret doesn't answer. He's slumped on the dragon's shoulder, inhaling shuddered breaths as his body quivered. The dragon guided him back to his assigned room and as the door closed Regret collapsed to his knees, struggling to keep himself from falling face first.
At first, there's inhales and exhales. The second, a hitch.
And then finally, tears.
He cries and cries and cries until there's nothing to cry anymore. Salty tears mixing with the blood that still hasn't healed or hasn't been treated. All of panic and anger melted into something distressed and guilt ridden, murmuring nothing but apology after apology with cries of help that no one will hear behind those blood stained walls.
And yet despite it all, Regret called. "Pa..." he said so quietly, voice coarse and bleeding and shaking. "I'm sorry." He bows, pressing his bleeding forehead to the ground. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry—"
Regret cried until the night came and passed.
And the video ends there.
Pardon blinked away his own tears, quickly wiping them away to stare at his grown daughter.
Her eyes flared with anger whenever she had to watch these videos but ocean sapphires stared at the blackened screen with a haunted look, eyes blown wide and shocked with something he couldn't read. Pardon knew she was angry at Regret. He doesn't know why but she is. But after seeing all of that...
His son joined a cult. A fucking cult. And he couldn't even blame him by doing so. Billy was someone he trusted and he was the only one that didn't treat Regret any differently after everyone did. Pardon trusted him too. He thought that the man would help his son but no, instead he took advantage of him at his most vulnerable state and died doing so.
Billy was traitor.
He deserved it but at what cost? He was his son's first kill.
Billy may have died but he did with a cost.
Regret would never be the same.
More Zenonia!
Its still dead. Pretty much. But its getting there. I hope.
So here's to contributing more content for this dead fandom!
Aight. Zenonia 1 Regret. I just want to make him suffer man. Hence why he's in a cult: indoctrination, isolation, and everything.
Except maybe Sun, who is very concerned.
Yeah. He'll get to the Holy Knights eventually. And he'll be hiding that tattoo under some piece of armor or some magic or smth. They won't know he's an enemy :)
Did Zenonia reveal Billy to be a traitor and a spy for a clan the Andra Kingdom has been fighting for years who's notorious for acting like humans so they can blend in and just let him fail in kidnapping Regret, never to be seen again? Not in this AU! Billy is a bitch. A manipulative son of a bitch.
More Zenonia!
This time, Zenonia 4 :D
This is actually the first game I played from the Zenonia series and I was just hooked. And then I was stuck at a dead end which was Stone Face because the fucker just wouldn't die.
So yeah.
The latest playthrough I had, which was just a few months ago, I made it to Shaturu in Normal Mode but I hit another road block with him. My Blader had decent defense but shitty offense. Since you only had a short number of time to attack him, you need to have high damage to kill him. I wasn't sure if Zenonia 4 had a limit to leveling but I got lazy grinding in the same area so I stopped.
But that's enough with my experience, let's head to the loreeeeeeeeeee.
Aight. So. Timelines. Time travel. Yeah.
My AU:
In the OG timeline, Shaturu is the one that revives Regret. It doesn't go well. At first, Regret falls for Shaturu's tricks because death sucks and he wants out, but he eventually realizes his mistake after seeing Chael in his traumatized war veteran glory. Plus a burnt up Iris. When Shaturu tries to absorb his power, Anya had enough of the Devil Tribe's bullshit and turns back time.
Also Regret, before Zenonia 3, started learning different classes so he could teach Chael, but then he died.
Now let's move onto the first Regret...Druid!
I don't know why I chose him to be the starting point but he is. Azimet, Warden of the Land of the Fallen, chose to help him and Anya to go back to Earth so Shaturu doesn't get to him. Druid Regret wasn't a kid when he started, but he does become one. Why? So he doesn't get spotted by Shaturu easily.
So this guy specialized in stealth and became one with the forest. He foils Shaturu's plans in a distance and runs when he's spotted. Druid Regret tries to find a way to stop the world from ending. He finds a Mark of Ladon somewhere in a forest and destroys it. Finally having a plan, he tried to find all of the marks but Shaturu eventually catches up to him, cuts off his leg, and tries to absorb the power again.
Anya, once again, turns back time.
Now for Ranger Regret!
Yeah, he becomes a kid a lot earlier than Druid Regret. And he doesn't remember shit. Azimet realized that he needs to keep Ladon's flesh in the Land of the Fallen so he makes Regret forget the memories that will fuel his drive to come back to life and keeps an illusion up so that he'll always be happy and have no reason to leave. Druid Regret doesn't have time and says that he needs to get out of the Land of the Fallen and defeat Shaturu. Seeing the illusion, he mentions what happened to his dad and how hopes that Sun forgives him. Whatever trance voodoo magic Ranger Regret was in, it breaks and he has to fight the warden that protected Druid Regret last time.
Him and Anya find themselves in the snowy region where they find a Mark of Ladon. They destroy it and is found by the wizard guy in the scroll. They learn that they can use Anya's time traveling abilities to change the past and try to learn how to use it but Shaturu finds them. The wizard dies, Ranger Regret, in an attempt to protect Anya, fights and gets tortured. Still he resists and refuses to give Shaturu what he wants. Hence why he's sleeping in the drawing. He's exhausted and needs his rest.
Anya, who ran away, finds a Regret tortured beyond relief just by death's, and turns back time.
Blader Regret's memories are brought back when Ranger Regret dazedly begs him to save his son Chael.
This Regret...he was very fun to think about :)
Because on the end of his quest of almost saving the world, Shaturu kills everyone in the resistance. He kills Chael. Right in front of him even when Blader Regret begged for him to stop. Regret, after hearing his son's dying words, breaks and tortures Shaturu :)
He figures out a weak point but doesn't manage to kill Shaturu because he gives up and sees the pointlessness of fighting but the dead kinda encourage/force him to fight so he does. But during the torture session, Blader Regret didn't notice all the injuries he's been sustaining, and in a moment of weakness, he's almost killed.
Anya turns back time.
For the final Regret...Slayer Regret!
Aight, this guy starts like how Zenonia 4 started. Azimet committing identity theft and yatta yatta. Blader Regret comes in and tries to kill Azimet himself but is stopped by Slayer Regret. Blader Regret explains the situation and dies, giving his final words to Chael that he won't fail this time. It's enough to trigger a crack in the illusion and Slayer Regret goes to find answers, only for them to come true. He kills Azimet and him and Anya go back to the land of the living.
Shaturu is mostly absent in this run because of Blader's actions. The coward.
Unlike the other Regrets, Slayer joins the resistance accidentally because Elisa forced him to and a flash of Blader's memories flash in his mind. Chael's demise. He stays. Anya is not happy. He tries to find info in the resistance while giving a helping hand and trying to find a Mark and a lead to Shaturu. It kinda works. He also works his relationship with the others and while Chael is suspicious, he still treats Adas fairly. Ergo, when the seniors start bullying him, he's there to stop them. Or when Adas needs rest, he makes him rest. On one of the expeditions, Chael and Adas grow a little closer as Chael reveals his insecurities. That he's not good enough to be 1st Commander and that he's not meant to lead and how he doesn't know how his dad will think of him. Adas reassures that his father is proud of him, which he is. He also gets a weird feeling when he's around Elisa, suspicious.
Then, after destroying the last Mark left, and handing the Holy Gem to the King, he goes to fight Shaturu because him and Anya had been trying to prevent Shaturu from rising in power but that hasn't stopped him, so he goes to fight him thinking that he finally has a chance.
He's thrown in jail.
But is saved by Elisa, they run, Chael comes along, he runs to find Elisa and escorts her outside, and barely manages to save Chael himself.
Chael tries to tell Adas he can't win the fight and that he won't let him go but Regret finally reveals the truth with Anya supporting him. Chael is relieved but still tries to stop him but at his father's pleading, he lets him go.
Regret and Shaturu fight.
He almost succeeds but Elisa is there to defend him. Regret can't fight her.
Shit happens. Ladon's energy is almost absorbed. But Chael, Ruira, and Haz saves his ass. They keep the claws and Elisa at bay so he can deal a final blow.
Druid, Ranger, and Blader come out to fight with him, keeping the remaining claws from reaching Slayer and Blader tells Slayer Shaturu's weak point.
Shaturu dies.
They win.
That was so long lmaooooo.
But if you have any questions, feel free to ask, I'll try answering them :)
Other versions!
Am I mass posting Zenonia content? Yes. Yes I am. There's nothing. Bruh. So Imma be a good fanon citizen and fill this shit up.
So. Regret and Pardon, the first characters we see in the Zenonia series.
We never really saw what their father-son relationship looked like so I'm here to rectify that even if I'm not sure how to write it.
Kid Regret is going through 'I'm an adult now' phase while having saddened puppy dog eyes when his dad leaves to visit his other child.
Context: his wife didn't want to raise Regret because her and Dupre weren't ready to raise two children so Dupre became Pardon to raise Regret in secret. But then she died and now he's going from house to house to raise them.
Pardon is just trying his best for the two of them while respecting his wife's wishes.
While Kid Regret doesn't know why Pardon's leaving all the time, he wants to prove he's worth staying for.
(Someone planted those seeds of doubt in Regret's head.)
The armor was sooooooooo hard to draw. Goddammit Pardon, wear some normal clothes for godsake!
Also, Pardon's hair looks like a fucking coconut so if his hair looks like Sukuna that's because I used them as reference.
This is a scene of a fic I'm working on. Basically Pardon addressing the fact his son is currently experiencing child labor. And he doesn't get paid for any of it.
Pardon: They don't pay you?
Regret: I'm supposed to get paid?
But Regret just insists that he doesn't need it and he's doing it out of the goodness of his heart.
Pardon thinks the sentiment is nice but...his son's getting exploited.
The fic is basically kinda a time travel fic where future Regret memories slowly yet surely go to kid Regret just before his dad dies, so Pardon's not dead. Yay. But Pardon gets to react the slow transition and then the full transition later on.
The transition doesn't go smooth.
In fact, it is a very very rocky road for the two of them.
They don't have a good time.
But I sure do :)
Let me know if you want to know more!
Ze~no~nia~
Someone that's not Regret or Chael! Woooooooo!
This time it's...Frey!
Yes. She looks different. That's her adult self but I changed her Zenonia 4 design that better suits the version of her in my AU.
As Celine, she was a pushover. While she has lots of power, she let so many people— the Divine Tribe—trample over her. She let herself become Shaman when its clear she's too young to do so and became the hope of the Dovine Tribe to the point her life just became a routine of praying and praying and praying with no end in sight. To the point she was separated from her brother for 3 whole years.
That changes when Chael comes along. He inspires her to act more for herself. To fight for her believes and what she believed was right and thats evident when she tries to talk to Temir about Chael and Runa's imprisonment.
She makes the decision to live on Earth. I don't know if its from reincarnation or she stole someone's life, I dunno man. She just lives with humans now.
As Frey, she becomes more of a fighter. She's willing to be more upfront and tell others off when they take it too far. She defends Chael, the same way Chael has done for her.
(Don't ask about the timeline. Please don't ask about the timeline I don't know either—)
But she still wasn't able to change fate. She becomes Celine again when she let Regret go, when she let Chael go, knowing for a fact that they won't come back the same.
Some don't even come back alive.
In the aftermath of the Hard Mode Ending, she realizes her inaction became the consequence of Chael's survivors guilt and depression along with Mr Regret's death. So she changes. She learns to use her strength to fight for her own and fight for others, the same way Luxferre had done, the same way Chael and Runa had done.
Frey learns to fight for hope, not just give it or just say false promises. This time she has a drive. A will to fight for that hope to come true.
She had been training with Mr Regret after Chael disappeared. She begged him to train her and in worry of the same thing happening to Frey, Regret agrees.
Even with him gone, Frey continues training and when Chael is enlisted to help Deva Castle after Iris and Outer Iris literally burns, she joins. Both as a medic and a fighter.
When Chael tries to convince her to not join the frontlines, she tells him that she's doing this because she wants to. She wants to be by his side to help him fight for everyone. And Chael, knowing Frey, backs down and lets her. Still watching over of course but Frey does the same anyway even when Chael becomes the 1st Commander of the Royal Guard.
She trains under Ecne who teaches her how to use a gun, becoming a soldier in the skies. She fights the Devil Tribe that tries to get the humans on the ground and becomes a healer when there's time.
Frey trains long and hard and eventually she becomes the commander of the air force with some of the Divine Tribe helping the humans fight the Devil Tribe.
Oh yeah and they kinda had a civil war before that. The Divine Tribe—especially the ones from Midgard—did not want to work with humans at all. But Chael and Frey deal with it. Frey telling them all of the human's achievements like defeating fucking Ladon. Chael just politely begs them to get their shit together so they can fight the Devil Tribe and end this grueling war.
I just wanted Frey to be more active as a character, as support sure, but still actively fighting.
For more info about this AU:
Uhhhhhh...this is not a happy oneshot.
More Zenonia!
Its still dead. Pretty much. But its getting there. I hope.
So here's to contributing more content for this dead fandom!
Aight. Zenonia 1 Regret. I just want to make him suffer man. Hence why he's in a cult: indoctrination, isolation, and everything.
Except maybe Sun, who is very concerned.
Yeah. He'll get to the Holy Knights eventually. And he'll be hiding that tattoo under some piece of armor or some magic or smth. They won't know he's an enemy :)
Did Zenonia reveal Billy to be a traitor and a spy for a clan the Andra Kingdom has been fighting for years who's notorious for acting like humans so they can blend in and just let him fail in kidnapping Regret, never to be seen again? Not in this AU! Billy is a bitch. A manipulative son of a bitch.
I KNOW RIGHT?!
brb gonna re-learn Zenonia lore properly now.