The Subtle Changes Make Me Smile.

The subtle changes make me smile.

The softness in my legs

The delicateness of my eyes

Smoothing skin freed from rigour

As my muscles let go of false life.

Carried aloft these earthly highs

I recognize myself

And give in

To this vision from my dreams.

I don't often like to be touched

But only because of how sensitive I am to it.

My chief love language

I fantasize about someone's fingers

Running down my side.

In the hands of someone who cares

I could utterly disintegrate.

At the mercy of someone who loves me

I would lose my mind completely.

I crave it

Long for it

Yearn for the sensation.

Starved for affection

I quake when a crush passes too close.

There is a fire that rages within me

Hatred for those I do not wish to touch me

And agonizing need for those I fancy.

This is the first year I have experienced International Women's Day as an aware trans woman. Spent it pretending to be a boy at work, the last vestige of my old life. It is a strange feeling sometimes. Just, the idea of being woman. Ever since I was a small child, I have been drawn to it. This nature within me I couldn't express or understand, I couldn't even comprehend it. Didn't even get a chance until I was well into my twenties, and even then I couldn't ever quite get there until 30 was literally dawning over the horizon. I was consumed by an envy I didn't recognize, and it's presence permeated the whole of my life.

Gender wasn't real to me as a kid, everyone just was, but I enjoyed playing as a mother. I remember convincing my little brother to play house with me when I was 6 years old, and when I was 8 pretending to be the mother of a baby gorilla plushy I had received on my birthday. My own mother was always an inspiration to me. She had the strength to take on the world, just to keep me safe. She was meek and kind, and quite literally didn't know how to hate anyone. She kept me safe. When men were cruel she stood in the way. When my dad would beat her, she'd keep him away from me. When I struggled she was there for me, and when I woke screaming from nightmares it was she who would hold me till the night grew calm. Neither of us could have understood what was transpiring inside of me, but without her I don't know if I could have made it in life, and I definitely wouldn't be as strong as I am today.

I am lying here crying thinking about it. My mom is my greatest supporter. She still slips up and calls me the wrong name sometimes, and we get a laugh as I call her out in humorous ways, but she has literally been my defense through it all, coming out for me to all those I didn't care to or lacked the courage to face down directly. I learned how to be a strong woman from her. Even if neither of us ever knew it, she raised me from birth teaching me in the ways. She taught me how to shave for crying out loud, when puberty started ruining my mental well-being. She always told me I was beautiful, and this is something I can never repay. She is quite possibly one of the greatest people I have ever known, and even now as 30 year old pubescent woman grappling with hormones and the future, I can still depend on my mother to help me get through the hardest days and the terrible nights.

I want to be loved

Since beginning hormones

I would not say I am more emotional

But it is easier to experience my emotions.

Before there was a violence to them.

An intense repression which felt and was toxic.

Now I know them

Let them run their course

And possess a greater well-being.

I think I fell a little in love tonight