Im At The Phase Of Life Where It Feels Like Im Standing And Watching Me Lose Myself Like Sand Slipping

I’m at the phase of life where it feels like I’m standing and watching me lose myself like sand slipping though our hands. As reality is crashing more into me , I’m losing every last shred of hope and energy I had. Everything that made me who I am is almost entirely disappearing but I can’t seem to do anything about it either.

Relearning Love

I wanted the sparks and electricity that I read about, now the idea of a love that reaches me through layers of anxiety and self-doubt seems more appealing.

Falling in love is not my style. Even if you hold hands and fall off a ledge you up traversing a majority of the journey alone. Love, to me, is about growing- growing together, for each other and to cherish each other.

Love is depicted in red, pink and more but to me love is the sky during sunset when the pink hues of the setting sun mix with the blue sky signalling the end of another day.

Love is no longer about the excitement, it’s about comfort, of waking up to the person you love.

But maybe love is finally looking into the mirror and seeing myself for everything I already am without wishing, for even a split second, that I could be someone else.

The thing about being a single daughter in an Indian household is the constant helplessness you feel. My whole life I’ve had to hear every single relative tell my parents that they’re going to end up on their own as I anyways belong to someone else’s house. Every time I see my dad struggling to do heavy lifting jobs, but will not let me help, I’ve had to live with the disgusting feeling of being a pointless existence. For every minute of every day my parents spend worrying about the only daughters safety in this horrible world, I wish I was not who I was. Having to live with the fear I might not be able to be there for my aging parents because ultimately in a conservative society where I have to survive, a girl like me will always be someone else’s property. To watch your parents give their literal life towards fulfilling the one goal they think is the most precious of all- your marriage… it feels sickening, which I’m sure most of us desi girls feel constantly. The helplessness turns into anger. Anger at the injustice of this fucked up society and it’s norms, anger at my parents for believing in them and worse… for giving me the understanding of right and wrong only to then tell me shut up and adhere to the baseless and stupid rules. This anger eats away at any happiness, hope and fire I have in me. As each day goes by, I barely have the strength to breathe amidst this helplessness.

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I promise you, i was here , i felt things that made death so large it was indistinguishable from air - and i went on destroying inside it like wind in the strom.

Taylor Swift has a lot of romantic lyrics but the line “ you don't really read into my melancholia” from lavender haze is my favourite now because that’s all I need, not just from a partner. Lot of us have a lifetime of sadness in us no matter how happy and grateful we are. And if one more person tells me I’ve “nothing to be sad” about, I feel like I’ll smash their head on the wall and beat them to pulp.