Depressing Poems - Tumblr Posts

Marionette Doll

You showed me how to construct myself

only to pick me apart piece by piece

by the time I can begin to put me back

you pull on my strings, just a dog on a leash.

Was I too busy forgetting myself back then

or did you not bother telling me the truth

maybe the blindfold hypnotised my senses

thought I could afford living the life of youth.

I try and try, coming on my knees each time

took a million heartaches to realise it all

my feet were never mine, nor was my life

that I’ll always only be your marionette doll.

Do you even know who I am, if so, tell me

I lost every piece of me trying to figure it

all my edges and curves shattered around

but for you, I still try to put on my best show.

I watch the pale moon waxing and waning

only to figure that all my blood is draining

my eyes dry just to see everyone else shine

the marionette’s only mistake was to try.

I’m at the phase of life where it feels like I’m standing and watching me lose myself like sand slipping though our hands. As reality is crashing more into me , I’m losing every last shred of hope and energy I had. Everything that made me who I am is almost entirely disappearing but I can’t seem to do anything about it either.

Relearning Love

I wanted the sparks and electricity that I read about, now the idea of a love that reaches me through layers of anxiety and self-doubt seems more appealing.

Falling in love is not my style. Even if you hold hands and fall off a ledge you up traversing a majority of the journey alone. Love, to me, is about growing- growing together, for each other and to cherish each other.

Love is depicted in red, pink and more but to me love is the sky during sunset when the pink hues of the setting sun mix with the blue sky signalling the end of another day.

Love is no longer about the excitement, it’s about comfort, of waking up to the person you love.

But maybe love is finally looking into the mirror and seeing myself for everything I already am without wishing, for even a split second, that I could be someone else.

I suffer from the loneliness of deeply despising being misunderstood while I push away anyone who tries to understand me.

-To my emotions, sincerely me- I buried you a long time ago, And somehow you won't let me go, I feel you crawling at the back of my mind, Trying to take control all the time, Your presence haunts my thoughts at night, But I hold you back with all my might. Because what use is a machine when it begins to rust? What use is paper if it turns to dust? Why are you still here when I'll never find trust? Since all you've ever done is destroy My success, my friendships, other people's joy, So stay in your box and it will soon be time, For you to finally die.

Like you.

I will never have silky, long hair that cascades down my back, I will never have gorgeous eyes that are the perfect shade of black, I will never be so kind that the world is grateful, I will never be so beautiful that the world is hateful. Simply put: I will never be like you. My abnegation barely runs skin deep, My emotions are something that only I keep, I won't do something to get his attention, No one ever knows I'm feeling tension. Simply put: I am not like you. I have never dreamt of a simple life, Pretty pinks are something I've never liked, I've never been as gentle as a soft breeze, I've never been able to make his knees weak. Simply put: I have never been like you. But I've at least been like me.

Senses

I can't see anything. I can't see the clouds of impenetrable smoke, The old demons that finally awoke From their slumber that's seemed to last forever, Yet they seem to reappear whenever. But I will close my eyes, And make myself blind. I can't hear anything. I can't hear the echoing screams that haunt my dreams, The pleading that screeches from inside of me, Constantly yelling, begging for release But I will cover my ears. And make myself deaf. I can't feel anything. I can't feel the sharp claws that maim my skin, The powerful hands that wrap around my neck, The buried feelings that I kept, Within, and the demons still find their way in. But I will burn my nerves. And make myself unfeeling.

There's a void that dwells inside of me, It's getting so deep that's it's hard to breathe, I've tried to fill it with countless things, But none of them ever seem to succeed. False icons professing their love, Claiming they'll meet me in the skies above, Can only numb the pain for so long, When you realise that they're always gone. Their perfected code illicit response, That's meant to make me finally feel loved, And yet I listen to the computers' buzz, Realising how false my comfort was.

Hanahaki disease

Heaving, The flutter in my lungs grows each time I inhale. Choking, It's enamouring flocculence rises up my throat as my face turns pale. Coughing, Its softness caresses the inside of my mouth as its scent infatuates my senses. Spluttering, It reveals its scarlet shade from the corner of my lips, prohibiting denial-filled sentences. Gagging, The clusters of sweetness drift forward, spilling themselves onto floor. Crying, The petals have made me breathless once more. Weeping, They could make the prettiest rose ever cited. Sobbing, But they'll never flow together, because this is Unrequited.

Persephone

Don’t look for me.

For I am buried under the sand that you deposited in the bottomless sea,

I suffocate everyday but I can’t scream whilst you’re not listening,

I’m trapped in the time that you created and when I think I can breathe, the air is forced out of me.

I could reach out my withering hand and have you pull me from the dark,

But I’d rather claw my way through the hot pit to which I have been cursed,

I’ll choke, blinded as I fight my way upward, forcing your prison away,

Instead of accepting your hand, as you planned me to do, tying me to your eternal winter,

When I could be greeted by Spring if I only rely on me.

So, don’t look for me.

For I’ll be gone by the time your boredom forces you to wonder,

All that will be left is a whisper by the shore,

But when you realise the mistakes you made, saturated with your unquenchable hate

I’ll be floating with the clouds on the warm Spring air,

And I’ll be so big and so far away that I’m untouchable,

And when you look at me from the sand below, all you might receive from me is a brief hello.

So please, don’t look for me.

I’ll make it on my own.

The familiar emptiness blooms from my chest, I'll keep crumbling until there's nothing left, Until all I am is a bittersweet memory, Maybe then, you'd think to remember me. Since the beginning I've been collecting the pieces, I've been fixing all of you, battling all of your demons, But when did you ever consider how I would feel? Inflicting damage nonchalantly, you never cared about me. I've always been here so you've never had to worry, You've never thought to hold your tongue in front of me, So don't be surprised when I leave all of you behind, When I finally make my life mine.

Hanahaki disease

Heaving, The flutter in my lungs grows each time I inhale. Choking, It’s enamouring flocculence rises up my throat as my face turns pale. Coughing, Its softness caresses the inside of my mouth as its scent infatuates my senses. Spluttering, It reveals its scarlet shade from the corner of my lips, prohibiting denial-filled sentences. Gagging, The clusters of sweetness drift forward, spilling themselves onto floor. Crying, The petals have made me breathless once more. Weeping, They could make the prettiest rose ever cited. Sobbing, But they’ll never flow together, because this is Unrequited.

The hardest thing is feeling you everywhere.

I see your reflection in my morning coffee,

I feel your warmth in the summer breeze,

I hear your whispers in my favourite songs,

But I still can’t find you.

I

I smile.

Shoulders square, back straight, feet planted firmly in the ground.

If I squint slightly when I laugh it’s more believable.

They won’t notice.

I speak.

Voice loud, strong, pitch low, it bellows through the room.

If I raise my voice on every-other syllable it sounds more believable.

They won’t notice.

I move.

Averagely-paced, deliberate movements, flowing slightly.

If I lean forward with purpose as I walk it looks more believable.

They won’t notice.

I’m getting better.

They never notice, they never will.

I’m fine. Really.

No one would suspect me,

Because I’m the best actress alive,

That’s the only thing I’m certain of.

So when I say I’m fine,

They believe me.

And now, they don’t even ask.

Reply

I cling on to your every word,

Your every expression, sigh, whisper,

I desperately try to learn,

All of your mannerisms, gestures, features,

I hit send and I tremble awaiting your response,

I overthink our interactions when they’ve long passed,

My anxiety builds until the weight is too much to bear,

And you continue the torture without a single care.

God

I thought that you were perfect,

Perfect for me,

And that we were a perfect combination

But now I see.

When you wronged me, I tried to look inwards to decipher,

What I had failed to do, what made me unlikeable.

But I was foolish and naive to believe that you were flawless,

And like a false icon, I clung to you for guidance.

Not a single apology was expected of you and it was my fault,

I treated you like some twisted domestic god,

So now it’s my time to accept our flaws,

And destroy the pedestal I placed you upon.

I was wondering why you two began to effortlessly blend,

You both seemed to constantly go hand in hand,

It troubled me for weeks,

Was there something wrong with me

That forbade me from entering your sacred ring?

Then it all came to fruition,

An epiphany at midnight, as sweet and natural as birds first flight;

The toxic group together with incredible might,

What better way for you to wallow in self-pity,

Than to gather in small numbers and complain about how you’re living?

So I’ve decided that I won’t let it trouble me any longer,

And for that I believe I am much stronger.

My Ship pt 2

I halted all expeditions and ended my adventures,

I threw my anchor overboard and stilled my ship,

I flung my caution to the wind and promised I’d never turn back,

I abandoned my freedom so I could feel security with you.

But when I left my ship unattended to enjoy this island paradise,

You slashed my sails and destroyed my masts,

You were like a parasite.

My Ship pt 3

So when I was forced to flee,

To escape your toxic clutches,

I left half of what I was,

With my ship destroyed and rusted.

A cautionary tale for young travellers at sea,

Do not stop at any nearby beach,

Your trust will be exploited and your kindness betrayed,

Remain free on the sea for all your days.

I’ve been working through a labyrinth.

Large stone walls,

Shrouds of darkness,

Sharp turns and endless paths,

Sometimes the walls narrow and squeeze the air out of my lungs,

Sometimes they’re so far away that I don’t know where I’m wandering; a void...

Fears creep up on me,

Tears blur my vision,

My darkest shadows seem to bleed into every crevice,

I scream and shriek,

Paralysed by my own mind,

I run down the same paths,

Loop around myself,

Over and over I get lost,

Anxiety cripples me until

I can’t move.

But sometimes after waves of miserable failure,

I take the right turn

And I find it.