I Need To Watch More European Football!

I need to watch more European football!

I didn’t know that anybody begged for the opposite end of what I desire.

It’s not until this post can I put words into for what I’ve longed, what I’ve lacked in firsthand experience by the limitations this body brings.

I didn’t know that someone and others can or want to feel the need of what I just want to provide by default. All I know is how to give love, though I grieve at my hardship in not knowing how to receive adoration. This post takes what leaves me broken, shattered, but melts it into a new material. I’ve felt the fragility of glass, but it’s the reflective and refractive heat of metal that desire brings intimacy into the forge.

I freeze. Genuinely, I blame myself for having to survive, having to feel the absences from all of the trust I’ve lost. It weighs and remains true to this day. I live in the constance of confusion, the multitude of grievances I feel between pleasure and violation. The avoidance through solace is an apprehension that brings inconvenience by the senses survival is brought upon by traumas and tragedies.

I may appear to walk casually or nonchalantly, but there’s a slight heaviness within my gait. I find safety in the feeling of not needing to know words to simply walk over and straddle myself to a lovingly and welcomingly lap—I cry and whimper. My heart, it achingly flutters and palpitates as a response from everlasting hurts I’ve encountered.

I do get overwhelmed. I’m tender and vulnerable, and it’s exhausting in a world that is incentivized to prey upon anything within my queerness that cannot be commodified or sold. I have to rest, and I need the reassurance of protection and safety. In such, I dig deeply into being wrapped by those arms in the art of contortion and nuzzling, embracing the human need for touch within vulnerable adoration.

I want to feel human and for once feel the need to apologize for my humanity.

hello universe i don’t often beg but i am here on my KNEES asking you for a boy who will casually walk over to me and without saying anything will straddle himself over my lap, wrap his arms around me, nuzzles his face into my body, and asks for me to hold him. i want someone who makes me die a little on the inside each time i feel him because my heart is so overwhelmed with love and adoration for him. i am a simple man, and my desires for a guy who inspires a deep need to protect, fawn over, take care, tease, and shower in love has reached a critical breaking point.

i think that unless you have experienced life while being actually dead broke or near it at least once, its hard to really grasp at how, in many places but in america in particular, ‘having money’ is the access card that allows you to participate, materially, in being fully human. even in non-crisis situations, situations where a paycheck is on the way, you have enough of some kind of food to make it, and you aren’t in any danger of losing shelter, even if you hardly spend any money when you do have it, the state of being completely without money is a state of  being hyperaware, constantly, of how much smaller your world is all of a sudden and how many basic aspects of mobility and enrichment are off limits to you. its profoundly psychologically agitating to self worth and well-being even sans the trauma of worse states of deprivation, and i don’t think a lot of people who have lived comfortably without this experience understand that there’s a critical difference between ‘having less money’ and ‘having no money’ when talking about related issues.

"Do you have to make being queer your whole personality?"

Yes. It angers you. It causes you discomfort... it's payback for the discomfort you've caused me. Its reversing my trauma into my queerness and superblasting it into you just because it pisses you off!

THIS. And another great way to manipulate doctors into your favorite also involves sayings like:

“A (friend or family member) of mine is dealing with the same symptoms and conditions. Their doctor told them that…”

“Really? The doctors told my (friend or family member) that (insert symptoms here). What do you suggest about going about this?”

Surely, there are other ways to say these examples, but the point is that you refer to a close person in your life and mentioned how they got help by their doctor because the oneness of reputation matters more to enough doctors than the care of their patients, particularly if you come from marginalized and intersectional backgrounds. Doctors in the United States are incentivized to push drugs without care because the system is based on profit and not care. It will change one day soon and for the better, but for now you’re just needing to survive and you matter to be here when we get to that point in care.

i think a LOT of you with chronic conditions should learn this one magical phrase to get your hospital doctor to shit his entire pants, which is leaving the room and saying "im going to go discuss your behavior with the ethics committee, i think you might need a reminder of what your job is"