In The Last Few Months Things Have Been More Abnormal, Than Normal For Me. Its Pretty Interesting To

In the last few months things have been more abnormal, than normal for me. It’s pretty interesting to say that I find myself operating at a level of chaos that I shouldn’t be. Hectic situations are like being able to see the sun clearly. Where others only see purple storm clouds. I have always been grown. My youth was stolen from me. Ripped from the cage in my chest that holds my little beating heart. The adults around me forged a weapon against one another fom my little remains. Mother and child against father with son. Kin against kin.

Since the age of 7 years, adults have questioned me! Told me! Volun-told me what I should think and what I should do.

From there I was told how I should feel about my mother and ill fitting she was. And I was told about how much a loser my father was. Nothing, was fair for me. No experience of greatness thrusted for me to experiment of what I had come from. Only what I supposedly lacked.

By the ones we call family. On both sides, are the ones that create situations that ultimately have nothing to do with them. It’s always when the shoe is placed on the other foot they see how it feels.. …With no regret, I practice my bitch craft and I practice it fiercely. No hold bars. And anyone can catch a sift blade of my palatial sword. Burn from my relentless gaze.

I. Still angry because no one want to hear me speak. Vent, let out all of that anger. Tell my truth. I need to have the. Own up to what they have done. Admit that you were wrong and that I cost me emotionally type venting. In the end everything feels as it doesn’t matter because I was not planned more wanted in the first place. The shadows of there faces linger on my thought because I have been on my own for a very long while. I have been creating my own families. And still nothing ever compares. In one way or another I am, in the subtlest of ways. Reminded of my place in these places. In these groups, in these homes. I think that I will feel at ease. And at home, when I create my own organic family. Find my partner. Build a home. Create a stable life. And have babies.

I think that I’m ready to do this and never look back at those who I have come from. To never let my children and partner know what foolery, ignorance and contemptuous people that I birth from. “Now Is the time. Now is the hour. Now is the magic. Now is the power!”

Happy Ostara!

Today we reap when we created during Imbolc.

Spend time with nature.

Bask in the sun.

Be present, be kind, be blessed.

Dear Tumbler Diary #4.

This drill weekend has brought forth so much opportunity. I’m great full. That the Gods have answered my prayers. Fun fact about me! I’m not Christian. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I say it jokingly but! I’m not! I’m a worshiper of the 7 AFRICAN POWERS. And Eleggua has heard my prayers. And has been intending to my thoughts. My thoughts of these past weeks were. “ What the fuck! Am I going to do!?” You see I’m a soldier, a warrior. And no I’m not tooting my own horn. It’s modernized. but! Yes, I’m down to fight for all that jazz and glamour of being here in this country. I have no issues with her. Her being Bitch America.

For she birth me and my ways of thinking. IF you haven’t read most of. My post already. i have mommy issue. I can’t seem to trust them. They always seem to fail me one way or another. With all this being said. I actually love what I do. I love being close with people who get what it’s like. The likeness of having a purpose to do! The likeness of to help and to protect and to have purpose. I know were all complicated people qt the end of the day. Even when we think that were not. We are!

America and her 2nd son Big army has employed me to do a job of helping people. Helping direct them int he direction they need to be in, in order to get the vaccine and other covid related things. I was on Covid mission for a few months an made a very pretty penny. Since then I have now a beautiful living space and a nice car to call my own. with all of this, has come a bit of an extra serving of money. Money that America and dear Uncle Sam have accidentally given me. $3,000.00 Now! I have to put that back.. Ohh wait sorry, wrong version! There taking it back and blindsidingly so!

Two months ago. I had to go to drill and I was gone for 54 whole days. In army money that makes up a big chunk of money. Money that adds onto the next week for me. So! What they givth they Takith a way. My check at that time was very close to $900.00 and they only have me $200. When usually I get $600.00 from my other job. I hate to say it like this but! What the fuck am I going o do wit $200.00 THIS SHIT BLEW MINE. Not to mention. All of my big boy bills ar will over $500.00 so i started to delay my funds. Take from one to put to another. This Fuckery of my supposed favorite Uncle. With my housing and check and all other things pushed back by two weeks. I begun to freak out and shut down. To where I watch reruns of Grey’s anatomy and analyze the faces of the actors. “ Then questions “What did I ever see in this ep” to believe in the acting? Or! I try to sleep and cant, then I have to wake up fully just to start my day.

You see I use to be a Drifter… A male Gypsy. Floating from couch to couch. Now with a place all of my own. I felt free I felt liberated. I felt or feel like I can o anything that I want to do. I NO longer feel like I’m bound by the social rules of being polite. Of feeling like if I don’t that I’ll lose out. I don’t call it fake. i call it being in survive mode. A mode that i do not like to be in.

This is so beautifully written. I love this so much. My inner hippy is crying so much.

when did we trade enjoying life for whatever the hell this is? when did we stop having festivals and sharing communities and borrowing books and trading art? growing gardens for food and for pleasure in a way that isn't grounded in consumerism? making jewelry and bread and wildflower bouquets? wearing the clothes we like to see rather than the ones we feel we have to be seen in? when did we decide to abandon the little things? i don't by any means argue that life doesn't naturally come with intense hardship, but why do we deprive ourselves of a balance?

Dear Diary #1

 Today os the day that I realize, that I have to stop being loyal to others. And become what this country wants me to be. A selfish entitled bitch who... Emotionally manipulates people. Because when you are.. honest, patient and understanding..... Things just seems to go sooo far left. You're hanging off of a cliff from by the tags of your clothes. Bent over. And all you can do is taste the water of the ocean, flowing up at you. 

Recently a woman who I though was a very close and dear friend has hurt my mother fucking feelings for the last time.  I now have realized I have or will have had a toxic trait. I unknowably “enable people”. I thought I was not a YES man!!!!! But! by not allowing people to move on out of their emotions. Not allowing them to try something different or! Become a simpler better version of themselves. You enable them to be the ship wreck they are. I use to validate there feelings and show understanding. I use to show them that they had a person who will make them feel seen and make them feel heard. Or actually be heard. 

The only thing that I realize I have managed to do is enable adults to truly not out grow their situations and feel that it is okay to stay stuck and bitch about it. all the while. I really thought I was being a good friend. A good and genuine person. I now realize that this is a relative thing. everything is truly relative. I cannot believe this!!! I cannot believe that I’m flawed. 

One thing you need to know about me, peering eyes. Is that in my opinion I think  everyone see’s themself in a non flawed state. I think people choose to see the best of who they are personally. I’m talking about personality. I have as long as I can remember in my adult life, try, tried! to be. Open and honest. Respectful and objective. And NO! I have not been. I have failed at this. 

The situation that I’m in is crazy. And all that I was trying to do was help. Help a close friend who I thought was moving into a family category. For GOD sake I actually thought of this person as family. I tend to mind my business. At least I usually do! And help where and when I can. I took on the responsibility of sheltering her adult child when he was in need of assistance. He’s 18 and pushing 19. He was being dense as all hell and found himself in danger.

 Being naive, He allowed someone to go to his connections house to get some weed. The guy apparently  was deeper into something that anyone would have thought. The person who approached her adult child asked to be linked up with some smoke and her son asked the dealer. The dealer approved! As her son was doing child like things. Playing video games and talking to girls. The dealer was being robbed. And heavily assaulted. Now! to sum this up because I’m getting off point and I have to get back from break. He’s on the “run” and he’s been linked up with me for a while....... To Be Continued!