Learned Behaviour

Learned Behaviour

His dad was abusive. Violent. And his father before him.

Once he asked his dad for money for a field trip and his dad threw him into a wall so hard he went through the drywall and ended up in his sister's closet.

He wasn't born with these skills.

His mother told him when he was in highschool that regardless of what happened, she would always back her husband over him.

He wasn't born cold.

I know exactly where he comes from.

My hands are shaking.

I only need a minute after you’re done kicking me while I cower in fetal position.  I just need to steady my breathing after you’ve finished and left me in a pile. I’ll get back to making dinner and it’ll be ready soon. Don’t worry.

Women’s Shelter part 2:

My experience was not good, hence the negativity in my last post about it.  Let me explain.

My intake worker asked me all of the questions that you don’t ask a survivor.

“Why didn’t you leave?”  “You didn’t have children?  What kept you there?” “So he did all that to you and you still didn’t tell anyone?” “Do you still love him?”

This woman had a lot of experience in her line of work.  So not only does she know the answers to these questions, she knows that asking these things is outrageously distressing because I don’t have the fucking answers.  

This wasn’t supposed to be therapy, and I'm shelling out my deepest, darkest broken bits during our first meeting?

After my Personal Danger assessment her advice was to “take extra care.” I half expected her to extend me her “thoughts and prayers.”  

There are two different group meeting types - an "introductory" and “advanced” group. They recommend you do 6 weeks of the first before jumping into the second.  Which is swell, except they only offer that during daytime hours, and I work a 9-5. So i choose the second one because I have to and then she tells me “Ok, you’ll probably be looking at getting a call toward the end of the summer.”

Let’s summarize, I was:

1. Unnecessarily emotionally ravaged by someone I don’t know. 2. Told in an official capacity that I am in mortal peril. 3. Given 0 tips, tricks, or otherwise on how to protect myself. 4. Recommended an 'essential step' and told " oh nevermind" because they can't accommodate me. 5. Advised that it would be MONTHS before I’ll be able to partake and further my healing.

HAVE YOU PEOPLE EVER HELPED SOMEONE IN CRISIS? 

IS THERE A SUGGESTION BOX ANYWHERE?!

CAN I SWEAR IN HERE?!

Can confirm that that my dislike for kissing was him only.

No progress on part 2 yet.

This worries me.

I can’t tell if I don’t like kissing in general or if I just don’t like kissing him.

Hazard of being with someone who crushes you every day of your entire adult life.

I am about 98% sure this is currently happening.

One day I will find a good one. And then I will chase them away with my crazy.

a man: men now have to think before they speak, they are afraid to be criticized or accused of something, can we believe that we have to live like this now?? uwu

all the women that had to grown up being super self-aware of what they wear, what they think, what they say, how they act, where they are, with whom, etc in every aspect of their life, all the time, in this sexist society (especially women of color, non-straight women and trans women): good. finally you all have to learn how to behave.