I Am About 98% Sure This Is Currently Happening.

I am about 98% sure this is currently happening.

One day I will find a good one. And then I will chase them away with my crazy.

Learned Behaviour

His dad was abusive. Violent. And his father before him.

Once he asked his dad for money for a field trip and his dad threw him into a wall so hard he went through the drywall and ended up in his sister's closet.

He wasn't born with these skills.

His mother told him when he was in highschool that regardless of what happened, she would always back her husband over him.

He wasn't born cold.

I know exactly where he comes from.

My hands are shaking.

I only need a minute after you’re done kicking me while I cower in fetal position.  I just need to steady my breathing after you’ve finished and left me in a pile. I’ll get back to making dinner and it’ll be ready soon. Don’t worry.

Old habits

I make it easy to hurt me. I make it even easier to excuse it. 

Reminder

A soft heart is not a liability. Those that hurt it are.

During the first nine months of my therapy he controlled my sessions remotely. He told me what my issues were that week, I wrote it down in this book, discussed them with my therapist and wrote her responses as talking points. I then discussed with him.

Aside from being entirely ineffective as my actual issues were not being addressed, the discussion was always horrible - tense and fearful.

I rarely reiterated what my therapist actually said, because she realized, very quickly, what kind of person he was. She was very skilled at asking me questions in an attempt to wake me up without alienating me.  Her focus was always on me. 

I twisted her words when I spoke to him about it. Told him things he wanted to hear: that i was mixed up, and the decisions I made stemmed from a darkness inside me that had nothing to do with him. I told him how she advised me to fix myself, put him first in all things.

This was a lie. But it kept me alive.

If there was even a hint of something he didn’t like during my “session” he would threaten to pull me off of his benefits - which I got to keep for 9 months - the only thing i got out of our separation. He also accused me of painting him as the bad guy. This was always a dangerous time.

One time he wrote my therapist an email, saying he could not be a part of my mental health care anymore. I was mortified, because I had to explain to her what i had been doing.

She told me to continue to do so. Soon after she started to ask me about limits; what line would he have to cross? I really REALLY hated this line of questioning.

I can barely understand the nonsense he made me write above. It’s a sickening reminder of where my head was at.

It seems worlds away.