Learned Behaviour - Tumblr Posts
He told me his mother used to read him this story when he was a child. She told him that the moral of the story was that you shouldn’t be generous with people because they’ll just want more and more from you.
Learned Behaviour
His dad was abusive. Violent. And his father before him.
Once he asked his dad for money for a field trip and his dad threw him into a wall so hard he went through the drywall and ended up in his sister's closet.
He wasn't born with these skills.
His mother told him when he was in highschool that regardless of what happened, she would always back her husband over him.
He wasn't born cold.
I know exactly where he comes from.
Too much information.
There is talk of sex under the cut. It is not graphic, and it is in reference to my recovery. But I mention orgasms and shaming.
My woman wants me to climax. I love her for it, and I can usually oblige. However some days my body is a bit more stubborn than others.
"What do you need?" She asks me. "What can I do?"
And this is another spot where I feel the depth of the damage he caused me. Many times, I don’t know what I need or want. It has never really been about me.
Most times, though, I just don't have the ability to communicate it. I open my mouth but nothing comes out.
My brain swirls with too many bad experiences where I wasn't allowed to want anything. He rarely asked, even conversationally, what I actually liked. When I was asked and responded, I was corrected as if I didn’t know my own body, or he said “oh” in a disappointed tone, as though he was expecting/hoping I’d say something else.
Occasionally my response disgusted him; he told me he it was so awful he couldn’t continue unless we proceeded the way he liked it. So I learned to ask for what he wanted, to ask for the things I knew would get him off quickly, and off me. Sex was best served swift and efficiently.
I am not there. But I hope she keeps asking. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell her.