Broken Toys - Tumblr Posts
Problem
I am not looking for anyone at this point in time, and may never look for someone ever again.
But if there comes a time when I would like to have a someone again, I may be in a pickle. Who on earth would hear any of this and not run for the hills?
This was part of the plan I'm sure.
One day I will find a good one. And then I will chase them away with my crazy.
“Your next boyfriend is going to be so lucky. You might be worth something by then.”
Voicemail received 2:31am
Transcript:
{My name},
I..... apologize for trying to reach you as much as I have. What I wanted to say to you I figured you wanted to hear.... So.... that being said from tonight on I won’t call you anymore. If you get this message and you want to know what it was..... call me....Thank you.
On Tuesday I had an intake appointment for group therapy at my local women’s shelter. I had a Personal Danger and Risk Assessment done. The score scale is out of 30 and a score of 19 or higher categorized you as “In Extreme Danger/At Extremely High Risk”.
I scored a 27.
Learned Behaviour
His dad was abusive. Violent. And his father before him.
Once he asked his dad for money for a field trip and his dad threw him into a wall so hard he went through the drywall and ended up in his sister's closet.
He wasn't born with these skills.
His mother told him when he was in highschool that regardless of what happened, she would always back her husband over him.
He wasn't born cold.
I know exactly where he comes from.
I am about 98% sure this is currently happening.
One day I will find a good one. And then I will chase them away with my crazy.
Attempt #2?
I asked a girl out for a coffee. She’s sweet and cute, and I’ve heard she and I have had some similar experiences relationship wise. She said:
“I would absolutely love to, but not for a few weeks. I have a crazy couple weeks.”
“Ok, sure, no pressure. Let me know if and when you’re ready.”
She seems genuine, but it could easily be one of those “I want to say no, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings” kind of answers. So I’ve left it in her court and minimized the amount that I interact with her dramatically. She’s not really picked up the slack, which led me to leaning toward her feeling option 2.
But then I come to find out from a mutual friend that she was incredibly enthusiastic about me asking her out. Despite not actually setting a date. And I’m excited knowing that she’s excited that I asked her out. Despite not actually having a date set.
So we’re both super happy about an event that, at this rate, is not likely to happen because I’m not going to ask again and she doesn’t seem to want to nail it down. And ... we’re content with that?
Yep. We’re broken.
My phone is not working well. It's gone completely unuseable a few times today. I am annoyed and inconvenienced.
If I were with him, his inability to get ahold of me would render me panicked and concerned for my safety. He did not like when I did not answer my phone.
Puts things in... perspective.
This is why i can't have nice things.
Things are sort of going well. So that means something devastating is afoot.
You can't convince me otherwise. But I'll nod and smile and let you think you did.
:)
My woman is worried about me. Apparently I've slipped down into another hole. That's unusual for the summer months. But here we are.
I have to wonder where I would be if he hadn't wrecked havoc on me physically and mentally. I wonder how much of my brain scramble was mine to begin with
I think the abuse robbed me of my capacity for joy; that whole "in the moment" feeling everyone talks about.
It's conditioning from years in the cycle, where a happy few hours came to a screeching halt ( literally) due to some inconsequential blip, and days of misery would follow.
Beware the happy times - the worst ones come next. How do you relax and be present when that's been your programmed mantra?