Today, He Won't Even Look At Me.

Today, he won't even look at me.

Self doubt, my old friend.

victims of abuse be like, this person has now made me cry myself to sleep about 30 times, i have flashbacks of things they’ve done and said to me, they know how to hit me right in my worst insecurity and guilt so i feel horrible for days and months, their comments make me feel worthless and like i shouldn’t even be alive, and being around them makes me feel small and meaningless and sometimes suicidal but maybe that’s just me, maybe they’re not abusive? i have to give them benefit of the doubt, what if i’m not justified to kick them out of my life?

I paid off the remainder of my debt with my savings today.

My original plan was to be debt free entering 2019. That didn't work out and I've been treading water until now.

I feel bad that I haven't stayed on track. I'm also sad that it's like everything I've been working for for years is up in smoke. I guess it isn't really, but it's definitely a set back.

I'm making sure I'm not a burden when i leave my job. And I remind myself when I'm getting really self loathy about it that he dug this hole this deep to make it difficult for me to pull myself out of. At best he did so negligently, at worst he did so knowingly and purposefully.

But the ugliness he created is gone now. My hard work did pull me out, albeit not the most graceful and ideal ways.

Now it's just a manageable bit off the credit card and I'll be officially debt free.

I've been following you for a while and I just wanted to say that I love seeing you get better and better!!! Recovery is so hard but the thought that you will be okay makes me so happy

You are so sweet for reaching out to me. I wonder sometimes why anyone would want to read this thing, but if you find a bit of validation or hope in my clumsy attempt at recovery I am glad for it.

Healing is very hard, but it's the best decision I've ever made. There are still so many miserable days, but I feel like I'm in control of my brain again. And that's a start.

I hope that you remember how strong you are as you push through whatever struggles you are going through. Know that you aren't alone, and that you deserve kindness and peace. Reach out again if you need to.

It's done.

Now to deal with the guilt of leaving my staff and possibly of having to bum gas money off my wonderfully supportive and uplifting woman.

He would tell me I'm trash. And no matter how many times she reassures me of the opposite, it's his words that seem to stick.

I'm resigning from my job tomorrow. As of right now i will be without work at the end of the month ( if he doesn't fire me first).