Lesson Learned: Relationships Take Investment; They're Not Supposed To Hurt Like This.

Lesson learned: relationships take investment; they're not supposed to hurt like this.

One day, i had the audacity to not share his opinion.

After the usual screamfest he insisted that one day we would take an IQ test to prove once and for all that I was an idiot and he was smarter. He told me that I should shut the fuck up or I would feel extra stupid that day.

In one of my rare moments of defiance, i asked very politely, what would happen if, by some accident, I scored higher than him. I saw a split second of "oh shit" in his eyes before he said "then we would know that the test was faulty because that's not possible."

You know, I don't think he ever brought it up again.

A text from January 31, 2017

wow all you need to do is surprise me with dinner, a new job, a three some, a vacation and a apartment (or your own home big enough for me)

and i would be dating you.

Typically my lady and I grocery shop together now, and she takes most of the bad feeling away. But tonight she was in the middle of something, so i went on my own.

And there I was looking at the spices realizing the store was out of steak spice when all of it came back. The heart pounding in my chest, the sweating, the sense of looming doom.

And it happed right in the middle of aisle 7.

Hey, a flashback! Good to see you trauma brain; it's been a minute.

I must have looked deranged at the grocery store.

I was always in a RUSH. That was because he gave me a time limit, which was always arbitrary, based on what he considered acceptable. Needless to say, I always took too long, but that didn't stop me from trying to meet his unattainable standards.

I would double check, triple check my grocery list in a panic and talk myself through recipes out loud to ensure I wasn't forgetting any of the ingredients. Owing to the unreasonable time constraints and sleep-deprived state he kept me in, naturally I missed things. And realizing this upon walking in the house would make me break out into a sweat. Imagine being terrified and feeling sick because you forgot to purchase a sweet potato.

Occasionally the store would be out of something we needed. If I tried to explain, he'd accuse me of lying to cover up for being stupid and forgetting something. I started taking pictures of the empty shelves to defend myself, but then he'd ask why i didn't go somewhere else. If I did, there would be a penalty for the extra time it'd take to head to the other store.

There was also immense pressure to get it all done Correctly. What that meant changed week to week, moment to moment. Did i buy the right colour of pepper? He said he wanted turnip, but did he actually mean rutebega? What flavour of chips have i purchased in the last 8 weeks.? He said he wants 'healthy' granola bars but to 'make sure they dont taste like shit' with no further explanation, what does that mean? Getting an answer wrong was BAD. He might throw it at me, or slap me, or scream in my face. Best case was an eye roll with a retreat to the basement.

I made the Wrong Choice so often, the grocery store itself became a trigger.

Complex trauma from abuse can cause chronic exhaustion, and chronic pain. This means the recovery, aside from being filled with guilt, shame and rage, will include long time spent in bed, feeling to exhausted and pained to move, or do anything.

This is happening because trauma is hard on the human body, and your body will spend all energy just trying to fight it, or repress it, or process it. The emotional pain of trauma being processed is enough to cause physical pain, chest pain, pain in all of your joints, headaches; your body will be so tense you can end up in chronic back pain and muscle pain just from all the tension and inability to relax. Your mind will be re-living the past and your body will react accordingly, getting terrified, shocked, tense, and finally showing all the damage you couldn’t feel when the abuse was happening. Even if you felt nothing while it was happening, there was no way to avoid this, your body can’t keep the trauma hidden inside of you forever.

One thing common for recovering victims is to feel intense shame for resting, for spending so much time in bed, feeling sick and worried about their future because they can’t get it together enough, or can’t get their tasks done due to pain and detachment from reality. You’ve all experienced being shamed for resting, being blamed for your own pain, and told you have no value if you’re not productive and hardworking. However, none of this applies to you right now. You need to rest. This rest is for survival. This is comparable to recovery from life-threatening injury, you cannot be expected to function or shamed for being lazy if your body is broken and barely hanging onto life. You are surviving, and you need rehabilitation and care, not feelings of inadequacy or shame for still daring to be alive.

It’s alright for you to exist just to rest only. In rare moments you do manage to get up, it’s okay to just do soothing non-productive stuff. There is no limit to how much care you need right now and you are obliged to give that to yourself. If the chronic exhaustion is caused by trauma, it will get better, not fast, not all at once, but slowly, during months and years, your body will let enough trauma out to allow you to use some of your energy for yourself. It’s vital you rest and let the trauma do its thing, and then eventually you will get your body back.

one of the worst feelings ever is being in your own house and feeling like you need to go home