One Day, I Had The Audacity To Not Share His Opinion.

One day, i had the audacity to not share his opinion.

After the usual screamfest he insisted that one day we would take an IQ test to prove once and for all that I was an idiot and he was smarter. He told me that I should shut the fuck up or I would feel extra stupid that day.

In one of my rare moments of defiance, i asked very politely, what would happen if, by some accident, I scored higher than him. I saw a split second of "oh shit" in his eyes before he said "then we would know that the test was faulty because that's not possible."

You know, I don't think he ever brought it up again.

Cute and spot on.

May 2020 Illustrations ヽ(• ‿ •)ノ

A text from January 31, 2017

wow all you need to do is surprise me with dinner, a new job, a three some, a vacation and a apartment (or your own home big enough for me)

and i would be dating you.

Typically my lady and I grocery shop together now, and she takes most of the bad feeling away. But tonight she was in the middle of something, so i went on my own.

And there I was looking at the spices realizing the store was out of steak spice when all of it came back. The heart pounding in my chest, the sweating, the sense of looming doom.

And it happed right in the middle of aisle 7.

Hey, a flashback! Good to see you trauma brain; it's been a minute.

I must have looked deranged at the grocery store.

I was always in a RUSH. That was because he gave me a time limit, which was always arbitrary, based on what he considered acceptable. Needless to say, I always took too long, but that didn't stop me from trying to meet his unattainable standards.

I would double check, triple check my grocery list in a panic and talk myself through recipes out loud to ensure I wasn't forgetting any of the ingredients. Owing to the unreasonable time constraints and sleep-deprived state he kept me in, naturally I missed things. And realizing this upon walking in the house would make me break out into a sweat. Imagine being terrified and feeling sick because you forgot to purchase a sweet potato.

Occasionally the store would be out of something we needed. If I tried to explain, he'd accuse me of lying to cover up for being stupid and forgetting something. I started taking pictures of the empty shelves to defend myself, but then he'd ask why i didn't go somewhere else. If I did, there would be a penalty for the extra time it'd take to head to the other store.

There was also immense pressure to get it all done Correctly. What that meant changed week to week, moment to moment. Did i buy the right colour of pepper? He said he wanted turnip, but did he actually mean rutebega? What flavour of chips have i purchased in the last 8 weeks.? He said he wants 'healthy' granola bars but to 'make sure they dont taste like shit' with no further explanation, what does that mean? Getting an answer wrong was BAD. He might throw it at me, or slap me, or scream in my face. Best case was an eye roll with a retreat to the basement.

I made the Wrong Choice so often, the grocery store itself became a trigger.

I wrote this in the early days and now there's no reminding required.

For a few years I had resigned myself to being by myself forever.

To combat my loneliness and fight the urge to contact him I learned to enjoy my own company and have courage to do the things I wanted to do. I went to movies and museums, bars and restaurants and all sorts of live music venues alone.

It took some getting used to, but I became content. It was nice. I enjoyed an unprecedented level of freedom and it was peaceful in ways I didn't know my life could be.

I wish I could instill this notion into the minds of survivors in early days and, Hell, people I love who have had some unsatisfactory dating/relationship experiences.

You are actually pretty awesome. Appreciate yourself, especially when no one else is.

There are worse things

When I am alone, I think it is the worst. I have to remind myself constantly that no, indeed, it isn’t.

His last text to me was nearly two years ago. Every unrecognized number that calls still makes me sweat, but I have found peace living out from underneath his thumb.

Look at you, living everyday without the person you thought you needed.