One Day, I Had The Audacity To Not Share His Opinion.

One day, i had the audacity to not share his opinion.

After the usual screamfest he insisted that one day we would take an IQ test to prove once and for all that I was an idiot and he was smarter. He told me that I should shut the fuck up or I would feel extra stupid that day.

In one of my rare moments of defiance, i asked very politely, what would happen if, by some accident, I scored higher than him. I saw a split second of "oh shit" in his eyes before he said "then we would know that the test was faulty because that's not possible."

You know, I don't think he ever brought it up again.

Some symptoms like to linger.

In case, despite the content of my blog, there was any doubt, I would like to state that I am against every kind of abuse whether it is individual or institutional.

I support Black Lives Matter. The abuse, disenfranchisement, and murder of black people at the hands of the police and other institutions has been systematic and widespread. It needs to end. And Canada, if you think you can feel superior because "it's not like that here," your ignorance is only overshadowed by how wrong you are.

There are people with better and more things to say on the subject, so I'm going to do what most of us should do and listen.

I wrote this in the early days and now there's no reminding required.

For a few years I had resigned myself to being by myself forever.

To combat my loneliness and fight the urge to contact him I learned to enjoy my own company and have courage to do the things I wanted to do. I went to movies and museums, bars and restaurants and all sorts of live music venues alone.

It took some getting used to, but I became content. It was nice. I enjoyed an unprecedented level of freedom and it was peaceful in ways I didn't know my life could be.

I wish I could instill this notion into the minds of survivors in early days and, Hell, people I love who have had some unsatisfactory dating/relationship experiences.

You are actually pretty awesome. Appreciate yourself, especially when no one else is.

There are worse things

When I am alone, I think it is the worst. I have to remind myself constantly that no, indeed, it isn’t.

Still growing. Still healing.

I took these tests 3.5 years ago. I'm amazed at myself for surviving this time in my life.

I threw these out last week. I don't feel the need to hurt myself with the memories they invoke anymore.

Two years ago I was pregnant. I screamed at my dash and punched my steering wheel and melted down hard after taking the second one. I was stoic and unfeeling most of the time, but this… This was too much.

I don’t know why I can’t bring myself to throw these things out.