Hope To Despairin Minutes

Hope to Despair in Minutes

You know that scene in the animated Cinderella were Stepmother tells her she can go to the ball if she finishes all her chores and finds a dress to wear?  Then she and the stepsisters load on the chores so that it’s impossible for her to finish sewing her dress? 

That was him.  He'd tell me at 8pm that we should watch a movie that night, but he’d have to be in bed by 11pm.  I’d also have to finish cleaning the kitchen, making his lunches for the week, prepping dinner for the week, all the laundry, vacuum and scrub the floors, clean the bathroom, change the sheets, and bake something for a snack before we could sit down.

When I inevitably failed, it was my fault, once again, that we couldn’t do anything nice together.  I was never to forget that it was always my fault as I was such a lazy cunt.  It was an excuse for him to be angry and hurt me, and an excuse for me to feel bad about myself 

I still have a hard time looking forward to things.

Work is stressful right now. Most people self soothe and do things that help them destress - take walks, bubble baths, naps.

Me? I reread this blog. The worst bits. The parts that still make me feel nauseous. Perfect time to double down on all those bad feelings.

Hello self-loathing, hello black hole of misery. Sorry, it's been a while.

Not all self harm involves knives or bruising.

A quote.

Abuser, while insulting you, threatening you, dehumanizing you and/or beating you: Stop making me look like the bad guy

For those of you still stuck in an impossible situation, I promise you can also have a quiet little life. Amd you deserve it.

A life where you won't find yourself involuntarily holding your breath when they come into a room. A life where you don't have to question what you remember or what you think. A life where people make you feel comfortable and confident in who you are.

There is a life out there that doesn't include them. I hope that soon you'll believe that, even with its challenges, that life will be beautiful and so much better than the hell you're living now.

I hope that for all of you.

She's upstairs baking while I'm in the basement wrapping presents. I keep laughing as I'm scrambling to hide her gifts every time she comes down to make me do 'quality control."

Four years ago I couldn't even imagine a life this peaceful.

i would have learned, you know. i know violence teaches, and it teaches well. but i would have learned without it.