Trauma Recovery - Tumblr Posts

the main reason I don't want kids is because I don't want to become my mother. but here I am, supposed to be reparenting my inner child, instead beating this part of myself up internally because it's so needy. somehow I still became her.

Skills you shouldn’t have to learn to survive yet child abuse forces you to:

moving around without making any noise

moving around the place without turning on the light

locking/unlocking doors in complete darkness

staying stoic in the face of screaming, threats, and violence

pretense of being calm even if in deep panic

perfect pretense of being fine even in the middle of breakdown

silent crying, crying without making any noise or even tears

doing physical work while crying or injured and not stopping

sensing when someone is angry or stressed because now they’re a danger to you

comforting and calming people down in desperate attemt to lower the amount of danger you’re in

recognizing a person by their footsteps, or a car by the noise it makes when turning to a stop

turning all injustices and anger inwards and making it into self hatred

hiding scars and injuries

expertly making excuses for marks or scars on yourself

dissociating in a second if there’s danger of new trauma

repressing mountains of trauma

surviving emotionally completely on your own

Here's something that's been mindfucking me for the past two damn weeks. So not only do I need surgery to have my colon and rectum removed & to get an ileostomy, but I also have to see a pelvic floor reconstruction surgeon.

Because with my Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, I'm high risk for prolapses, and guess what being sex trafficked for the majority of your childhood does to your developing pelvic floor? Spoiler: nothing good.

So because of this blessed combination of genetics and abuse, I have multi-pelvic-organ prolapse, and no ability to withstand pelvic floor therapy. I tried. I just literally cannot fucking do it. And there's the fact that pelvic floor therapy might not even work for the severity of my issues anyway. Ergo, surgery.

Now I get to have two surgeons argue over the best way to butcher my body into something livable and I can't even explain how fucking tired I am. I don't even know what to feel about it beyond exhausted.

And then I have friends who are also going through things and I want to be supportive & I try to be, but I just can't do all the things I want to do because I'm spending half my fucking day in a dissociative fog because I just don't know how to process any of this.

Recently I keep thinking about how I wasn't allowed to clean myself properly as a child. My mother was obsessed with ridiculing me for my general hygiene making her look bad, but didn't allow me to condition my hair or moisturize my face or use soap on certain areas of my body. Like why? If you're so obsessed with how I look, why are you trying to make me look bad?

Y'all I went to an Al Anon meeting for the first time tonight, since my therapist has been mentioning it for like 6 months, and it actually wasn't as awful as I expected

The trope I appreciate very much

Not to make anyone worry, but saying you're a CDD system can make you a target for abusers and bullying.

By stating you're a system

You're disclosing that you went through debilitating trauma at a young age

You're disclosing that you may act like a young child in certain situations, and that child may not know, or understand certain acts

You disassociate to a level where we do not know what was done by/to the collective body

You're telling people that you may have patches of amnesia, disorientation, and where you may split under pressure

Many systems have issues with self harm, suicidal thoughts, substance use disorders and unfortunately, many abusers will take advantage of this

Systems, due to their amnesiac nature, are very easy to gaslight, often by saying that a different part/alter did or didn't do something

But Kyle! What can I do about it?!?

Choose, very carefully, who you tell that you have a system. We try not to tell new people in our life until we're fully trusting that they won't take advantage of the knowledge of the system. Even then, we can count on one hand how many of our in person friends and family are aware of our system.

Avoid linking social media, this includes discord, where you are 'out' about your system to other social media, especially around workplaces. Some workplaces, schools, universities and other places still hold stigma around DID (thank you, Split /s).

Be careful what you tell people about your system: keeping alter counts private, not giving out certain alter's names, using pseudonyms/symbols for alters are some of the ways we've done this. If someone we don't want to know about the system asks about an alter name, the majority of the time, we'll say that they're an OC.

Most people don't know what DID and OSDD are unless they have been in certain circles or happen to have an interest in it, so you are usually safe… but I always air on the side of caution.

Do what you wish with this list, I wanted to put these thoughts out there. Stay safe, feel free to reblog with more ways you keep your system safe.

Drink water, have something to eat, have your meds if you need them, use your mobility aids if you need them, and do something nice for yourself today.

With love,

System Dad (Kyle / 💜)

There's something about having been suicidal since late childhood/early teens that means you get so used to feeling worthless and pathetic that whenever it flares up it's just like 'oh, it's this again - something must be..'.

Or you reflect on the last however-many years and wonder where your life went; where you look at the future like it means nothing and see your progress through a lens of 'I should never have been alive to see this, so why does it matter'.

Where you look back at your childhood self with guilt and shame because you didn't succeed in your goals because you were busy fighting

And it absolutely sucks. But it's okay. You and your system made it. (thinking about that always makes me feel like I'm part of a big family). It's okay to feel. Just please, for the love of goodness, stay. This world needs you. Your system needs you. Your future self needs you more than you know. Breathe. It's going to work out.

If you can live through the hard times once once; you can process it, you've survived hell, and it's your time to feel good again. Know there's evidence (you're still here!) that you're strong enough to live through it. You can process the pain and learn to feel joy again.

The more you find joy in the little things; listening to music, a sunwarmed cat, rainbows, warm bikkies [cookies], seeing a loved one, spending time outside, finishing a little task, craft, learning something new, the list goes on.. the easier it becomes to feel joy day to day.

It's going to be okay. You've already gone through the worst of it, and now you know you've got your system behind you, you're not alone (which is sometimes the issue XD!), but you've got this. Promise.

Sending hugs from NZ 💕🇳🇿

After being suicidal for a very long time, experiencing happiness can be… weird. It may feel foreign, strange, or jarring. You may feel ashamed for feeling joy in the face of your suffering. You many not know how to deal with positive emotions after drowning in sorrow for so long.

If your system is finding yourselves in this situation, we’d encourage you to just take a moment to breathe. You’re not wrong or bad for experiencing joy. Happiness does not have to negate your pain and it will not undo the suffering you’ve gone through. It may be hard relearning to experience joy, but it’s worth it, we promise.

The more you allow yourselves to feel your joy, the easier it will be to feel it again in the future. We truly hope that you will be able to experience happiness again and again and again, with such frequency and intensity that it becomes familiar and second nature to you. We hope your lives will soon be filled to the brim with delight, or at least with small moments of serendipity.

GOOD POST. LONG POST BUT GOOD POST.

This book- The Haunted Self is available online as a pdf if you know where to look :)

Why Alters Are All You, & The Formation Of DID

Tw for talk of abuse (implications to different types), trauma, unsafe caregivers, trauma responses, homophobia, and brief talk of death. We're talking about the formation of DID, childhood trauma, please be cautious if you continue.

Let's discuss what people say is the basics of Dissociative Identity Disorder, its formation. The current leading theory is the Theory of Structural Dissociation (ToSD). Yes, we still need to know more about this disorder, but this is the current leading theory and was written by Ellert R. Nijenhuis, Kathy Steele, and Onno Van Der Hart. They took some research, ideas, and words from other authors and researchers, added their research and ideas, mixed it all together and presented us with the ToSD in their book: The Haunted Self.

Now, there are plenty of problems with the theory, and I know that Hart and other researchers you see in this field haven't been the best people. However, it is currently the leading theory. Colin A Ross spoke about numerous problems with the theory, but he even states that this theory is a significant contribution. While yes, it isn't perfect, and any scientific theory can and should be constantly improved on, its pretty damn good. What I understood from reading Ross' response, the understanding it gives us of DID is good, the issue is when it addresses other disorders, or lack there of. I will state, before going onto my point of the post, that Ross mentions that there is confusion of what counts as an emotional part (EP). In the sense of, how differentiated does an EP need to be, to count as a separate dissociated state?

I don't want to go into that all today, because I'm not a professional and cannot confirm what would count, at least in Ross' eyes.

What I want to talk about, is what the ToSD does give us, and why it explains that all parts/alters are You.

Now, I know I will get a lot of hate for this. So all I'll say is that: I'm willing to discuss this matter further, however I will not tolerate any insults, threats, belittlement, or any other kinds of hate. If you are mature, I'm open to discussion.

The ToSD states that everyone is born with ego states. These states are in charge of meeting specific needs. A child needs love, affection, food, comfort, sleep, etc etc. If a child is able to dissociate to a high level, has a disorganised attachment to their primary caregiver (which is inherently traumatic), and experiences repeated childhood trauma, they can potentially develop DID.

If a child experiences trauma, their brain is going to do its absolute best to protect them. They may fight, flight, or freeze (especially if it is repeated). Maybe all three. That child may subconsciously think that if they were a different gender, or a different age, or maybe if they were stronger or scarier, they could prevent this from happening to them. Maybe they felt like they deserved this pain, that they're an awful monster, or just a toy or an animal to their abusers. Maybe they just refused to accept this was happening to them because if it did, they would be dead.

Their brain will do anything it can to try and prevent and explain this trauma.

They may try to seek help from caregivers, but remember, in the case of DID, that child will have some kind of disorganised attachment. That child will not feel safe enough to tell them about this trauma, or if they do, they aren't supported in the way they need to heal and process. Maybe their caregivers are the source of this trauma, they have already tried to tell them to stop.

Nothing is working, this child is essentially trapped.

So, like I said earlier, this child's subconscious is working on overdrive and trying its absolute best to survive this. Dissociation is a very complex and extraordinary coping mechanism.

So the child pushes away the trauma, dissociating so chronically they disconnect to everything happening, and themselves. This dissociation is keeping those different ego states separated, preventing from them integrating during childhood. Instead, this dissociation basically creates amnesiac barries between each ego state. If that dissociation wasn't there, those states would try to integrate, but because some experienced trauma, they cannot harmoniously coexist. This is the differentiation between ANP's and EP's. ANP's (apparently normal parts) are the parts that are in charge of daily living, they are disconnected from any trauma. EP's (emotional parts) are the parts that remember or are connected to different traumas. EP's dont have to be emotional, it simply is to refer to the parts that are connected to trauma.

Anyway, mini ramble aside. ANP's and EP's are separated from each other, they still are aiming to meet certain needs for the child/person now. That's why it is so helpful or common for systems to catagorise alters into roles. Some parts are simply trauma responses, some exist to make friendships and connections, some have very specific roles/needs they meet, some alters exist to soothe, or protect, or whatever. They are still dissociated parts, aiming to meet needs.

All alters are still dissociated from each other, and some may believe they are the only one there, or the "original" because they are an ANP or host. Again there is not an "original" because the full personality was never whole to begin with. You started with different ego states, and you still are different ego states (obviously alters have grown and developed (but still not fully)).

So with that being understood, lets address the title of this post. All alters are You. Thinking about everything I have addressed for far, all alters are dissociated from each other, so what do you mean there can be a "You"? Again, I'm not talking about an "original", I'm talking about all aspects of the Self that is being dissociated from.

I used to find this fact absolutely ridiculous and hurtful and dismissing. But after starting to learn more about this disorder, working on self validation, and starting on trauma processing, it has made it so much easier to understand.

I, Virgil, am a part of Clem and Skye. Clem and Skye are parts of me. And this is the same for all alters. We are all different ego states that are dissociated from each other, from the Self.

So, what happens if we all fuse? And no, I'm not saying that's the only way to heal, I'm just trying to put this in perspective. If we all fuse, we would be dissociating so much less, we would be fused ego states and we'd create a fully formed and developed personality. We are all parts, and if we fuse, we create a whole.

A whole that we are no longer dissociating from. We will be the whole Self, the whole "You". We will not be dissociating from each other.

I cannot express this enough, fusions happen when you no longer need alters to be separated, they can exist harmoniously, they share emotions and thoughts and feelings and they are not dissociated from each other. There is no memory amnesia, or identity amnesia between them.

Again to clarify, all alters are dissociated ego states that grow and develop, and then if you all fuse, that is when the Self is no longer dissociated from. You'll finally be a complete You.

Another thing I want to address is differing opinions of alters. Let's use another hypothetical. Let's say you have like five different alters that are all queer in some way, but you have five that are cisgender and straight. Two of those cishet alters are homophobic and transphobic. So, if you all fuse, what will you identify as? While I cannot say anything for certain, I can take a big guess and say that no matter what you identify as, you may not be homophobic/transphobic. In this hypothetical, I'm assuming those alters have those beliefs because of things they experienced growing up. Internalised homophobia and all that. As you process trauma and become more accepting of yourself, and you fuse, I would guess those parts are no longer dissociated from that queer identity, whatever that identity may be.

I hope this makes sense. While alters can and do grow outside of trauma, those foundations are shaped because of the experiences of the child. Age, gender, opinions, personality, species, and even sexuality, can all be based and rooted in that trauma and experiences.

Healing from that trauma means reconnecting with the Self, whatever that looks like for you. It may not be the singlet persona many systems use, it may not be the host, it may be something different than what you originally thought. But it will be You and it will be right. It will be the Self that you've finally reconnected with.

Anyway, I think I've rambled enough. TLDR: all alters are You, and if you fuse, you will reconnect with the Self that was originally being dissociated from.

small edit: it is okay if you aren’t ready to accept alters and trauma. but that doesn't change the fact that you're all dissociated parts ✌️

Why do you say medically recognized system rather than diagnosed?

Good question; it boils down to how we access our therapy.

New Zealand has a recovery program covered by ACC (accident compensation corporation) for all New Zealanders that have experienced sexual assault within the country. To qualify, an individual must meet the criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PSTD) related to the sexual assault event/s. If they reach the diagnostic criteria for PSTD, the assessor/s will submit a recommendation for long term support, which in our case was approved. From there, individuals find a support person, councillor/therapist/psychologist, or whatever works for them, and their support person will communicate with ACC regarding the person's recovery.

The accessors we had completely refused to screen for DID, despite the referral including a recommendation to screen for it, and us already being suspicious of our dissociative symptoms and experiences aligning with that of OSDD/DID. We received a formal diagnosis of PSTD with high level dissociation. From there, we found a psych who had experience with DID, PSTD, and sexual trauma.

Jay, our therapist supports us and recognises our system, dissociative experiences, and other DID symptoms. When he submitted our recovery report, stated that we had DID, and that they would aid in our trauma recovery; integration, functional multiplicity or whatever pathway we decided to take.

The recovery team declined it (and in doing so, any future support) on the basis that PSTD was the diagnosis and not DID, despite their team never attempting to screen DID - and our therapist stating that he had met various parts/alters, discussed various symptoms and had run us through parts of the diagnostic process. He returned the recovery report with DID edited to state PSTD, and no further questions were asked.

I know Amber/🔥 finds this hilariously depressing. As she puts it, "DID is basically PSTD+, I don't see their issue with the difference, what the f**k?! Both are recognised trauma disorders??!?! and ACC's own website states that DID is a trauma response and has similarity to PSTD" [quote taken from our chat after I told her that ACC declined DID, but accepted PSTD].

Jay dislikes formal diagnosis related to mental disorders as he has had first-hand experience with various psychotic and DID individuals being discriminated against in the medical field, and outside, especially when they have intersecting identities like we do. Quote "It's an ink-blot you can't remove, once it's there, it's there. We can't remove it." and reiterated that if medical professionals need to know why we're disassociated or have bad memory, that it's in relation to PSTD and ADHD.

We have DID recognised by medical professionals; our general practitioner, Jay/our psych and our gynaecologist all know and understand that we have DID and what that means for future, medications and mental health; however we do not have the piece of paper that categorically states that "this person has DID"

I hope this answers it well. You are most welcome to ask more questions if you have them.

-Kyle (💜)

I love this.

The use of colors to create mood.

Cold dark colors to create a sense of loneliness and sadness contrasting with the bright variety of warm colors creating a happy, companion relief.

In the tower, there is no light. Nothing but cold stinging snow stained with blood as stimutation besides the numb emptiness of the dim environment.

In the mound, there is light. The room is lit with a warm lamp, eliminating the environment and showing the variety of warm colors and companions, happy and caring, filling the room with laughter and love.

The expression and body language of Pearl.

In the tower, Pearl is closed off, lonely, tucking into herself because that is the only thing she has to cling to, to trust for comfort. She sits in the snow because it bites and it stings, either to distract from numbness, sadness, loneliness, and/or guilt, or possibly to punish herself as a way to please the guilt that haunts her from her last mistakes and faults.

In the mound, Pearl is open, still noticeably tense but no longer closed and isolated. Her scars that bled in the tower are not hidden, open for the world to see; she will not be silent about her past battle nor will she be ashamed of it. She knows what happened and she won’t hide it away. She doesn’t bury her face in her arms, instead, she shows her smile, laughing with her friends and leaning onto Gem behind her. She has people now, friends she can trust, laugh with, talk to, and even find comfort in.

How deep this is; the meaning in the contrasting pictures.

In the tower, Pearl is alone. She is trapped in her isolation, no one to watch her cry and bleed into the bitter snow. She wraps her own wounds but seems to have given up at some point, letting her cuts and scratches drip blood down her skin and onto the cold stone ground of her empty tower. She doesn’t care that it’s so cold her breathe comes out in smoky plumes or that the snow will worsen her injuries; she sits the snow anyways, wallowing in her guilt and sadness because no one is there to comfort her or even care. She’s only been met with anger so why even try anymore.

Yet, in the mound, Pearl is surrounded by joyous, trusting, trustful friends. She is not alone; she has dozens by her side, there to help if she ever needs it. Her life has changed and she’s grown with it, opening herself up to those her love her and showing her true self, not having to hide away her feelings or trauma.

She used to be in her worst state, truly alone and dead; though, somehow, through all of that horror and ache just to survive, hurting herself as a way to escape from the cruel world she was forced into, she was the last to die. But now, after years of recovery, healing, acceptance, and learning, she’s found a better life; one filled with love and joy, warm and open. She no longer has to tense her muscles and growl through her teeth just the survive. She can live, she can thrive, not having to run on fumes and the sting of pain to stay functioning.

Pearl has learned to be open, to be herself, to love and care for herself.

As someone who has gone from have multiple panic attacks per day and not daring to tell anyone about my struggle out of shame and fear of failure and miscommunication, I can relate to this artwork. After years of barely making through each day, I’ve finally healed enough to feel that I can live, enjoying everyday knowing that I won’t make it my last. The feeling to recognizing her progress, how you’ve changed and developed from her past self, and realizing how much better you are living is so incredible.

In other terms, I love this duo piece; it really tells a story and helps create a feeling by showing the contrast between the past and the present after years of healing.

Incredible use of colors, detail, and expression! have a good day! :3

something something she left the tower

been thinking about traffic pearl too much

this was done fast because i have school work to do, so thats why its messy

A Musing Monday 🎐

Today I am musing on too many things! 😵‍💫

My brain feels crowded by little rabbit holes and I keep catching myself fully lost in them to the point where im getting salty or spicy or sad over imaginary scenarios. Ive been having more nightmares than usual lately, too. So I guess what im going to muse on today is processing things (I'll leave musing on innovation and the way its weaponized against the working class ((one of the rabbit holes🐰))for another monday)

WHY am I circle-thinking about stuff like 'what would I do if I was stuck in the past?' 'why didnt the industrial revolution provide more ease and profit for every class' or 'how would I convince strong people to protect me if I was in an apocolypse situation?' 😣💫

Now take this with a grain of salt, I may have a psych degree but im not a researcher or anything (just a nerd with autism 🤓); my brain is using fictional scenarios to practice processing🎭🧮. It feels the need to practice because there's a LOT within my brain thats unprocessed right now (hello trauma, hello issues with finding a better job, hello feeling very vulnerable lately). 👋😩

Our brains are solving machines geared to find the answer🤖, and when that answer is not immidiatly available we may experience things like nighmares and intrusive thoughts and maladaptive daydreams to try to get an angle on The Thing thats not processed.🔬

Thinking about The Trauma directly often puts the body in a stress mode thats not condusive to creative problem solving📉. Like being stressed is literally counterproductive to solving bc we go into 🔥survival mode🔥where fight flight etc are The Options Available. Imagining yourself in a historical fiction situation is not a 1-1 ratio to 'what exactly happened when abuse appeared in MY past' and but ya know what, its close enough for our brains to bring it up as a substitute. 🤷

And the fact that our brains have this reaction to The Bad Thing is interesting in itself. 🤔 Why are some bad memories just things that happened, and some are so triggering your mind would rather process terrifying nightmares every night than just.. face The Memory? 🫠 Like it's over, it can't get you now, the past is dead, right?

The solution? Well obviously it looks a bit different for everyone, particularly depending on where you are on your path. 🧭 Like if you have nightmares/intrusive thoughts/maladaptive daydreaming and dont uh... dont have any trauma coming to mind that aint my place to tell you whats next 🤐. I can only really mind my own gourd here and MY next step is Accelarated Resolution Therapy🗃, which is often used with war veterans with ptsd, to store my truama memories in a better, less triggering way. 📈

Well it turns out that memories like to be filed away by our senses 📂. Like memories sit best and retrieve easier (lets take xmas as an example🎄) if you're remembering the smell of xmas dinner, the sound of wrapping paper, the bite of the cold outside and the taste of hot coco✨️. When memories store poorly, as they usually do with trauma 😔, your body is not just remembering- it is acting as if You Are Still There. 💥📍

Infact to prepare for ART, I have had to purposly bring up all my old memories 😬, which has in turn signalled my brain to circle around pseudo truama thoughts when I'm 'at rest' in attempt to solve whats not really 'solvable' and with that weve gone fuuull circle on my musings here lmao ➿️

I got two weeks until that all important therapy session and until then I figure my brain is gonna keep trying to hampsterwheel 🐹🎡, but perhaps my loop will inspire something within you, or help you out of a loop, or perhaps make you realize you’ve been in a silent loop for awhile now.. 🔄👁👁

In anycase, thank your brain for me! Particularly if its doing these things I described above. It's trying so hard to help and protect you 🧠🫶 My apologies for giving it something so tough to chew on this Monday lmao 😅 Stay safe out there 🫂

(I don't have a taglist for my Monday posts yet, hmu if you want to be tagged on these zanny adventures plz)

You said you liked me, and I liked you, too.

It was refreshing to move slowly--to not rush into things. To ease into the physical affection and the romance.

Slow was what I needed.

The last person I dated SA'd me on our second date and acted like it was nothing. It was oh so familiar. My body remembers how to freeze like it always does.

You didn't do any of that, and I was so glad.

I know it's selfish to say this, but I wish I had more time with you. I wish that your feelings didn't change so swiftly.

I won't chase after you, though. I respect your decision.

Thank you for being kind to me.

Everyone seems to have these connections That i know nothing of

i finally feel that relief i was finally told it i finally know that i am not crazy

dear daddy the adulterer, how could you do that to her? how could you do that to me? for years, you abandoned us for that woman. you let my classmate, her son, know of the affair, but not me. you lied to us of what it means to love and be loved. you ruined our lives and everyone knows it, yet you get away with it nonetheless. there is no justice in the world for you still live in it. with no love at all, a daughter scorned

i have always been too much. too loud too big too mean too kind too clever too stupid too much. everyone seems to agree.

i am finally feeling again.

i am sick of these dreams of sexual assault and rape.

the worst part is that it is always someone that i know.

i feel that in every moment i am someone else refusing to stay consistent yet it remains not of my own volition. i cannot be myself for my body shall not let me.