The Flashbacks Have Eased Some Over The Last 3.5 Years. So Last Night Startled Me.

The flashbacks have eased some over the last 3.5 years. So last night startled me.

She and I are lying in bed winding down watching tiktok on my phone. She reached over me to take my phone out of my hand for some reason and her harm put a bit of pressure on my radius bone ( top of my forearm).

I shouted "Stop!" very intensely and very suddenly. My body went in full rigid alert mode, and she shrunk back like a wounded animal.

I thought about it for a second. He used to grab my arms there and squeeze. It was so painful and I felt so helpless. He'd also grab me there to shake me. There were always little finger shaped bruises on my forearms back then.

I apologised for the sharp response and I explained why it happened. She says she understands, but she blames herself for my reaction

How could she have known something so benign would have triggered a trauma response?

I feel terrible.

I haven't slept much this week and it's affecting me: my mind is scattered, it's hard for me to remember things, stay focused and get things done. These are things that can be challenging for me on a good day, so in exhaustion I don't function well..

He kept me in this state for nearly two years.

How the fuck did I survive him?

He was the King of absolving himself of responsibilities by intentionally doing them badly.

He wanted me to serve all his food, even his seconds, so he would make an enormous mess serving himself. A mess I would have to clean. So I of course chose the route that was less work in the long run.

In early cohabitation days he went at something I had made so hard that food ended up on the ceiling. I have no idea how he did that trying to put food on a plate; I think he even impressed himself.

I can laugh now. He was a millwright with machining background and welding experience.  He was so precise with the work he did, both with his tools and hands.  Yet, he couldn't figure out a spoon?

What a joke.

The appeal of this place, really.

I appreciate that people that follow me on here both know everything about me in one way and nothing in another.

The stronger you get, the stronger they expect you to be.