MY WOMAN - Tumblr Posts
I have dubbed thee auction house PC
Closeup:
Too much information.
There is talk of sex under the cut. It is not graphic, and it is in reference to my recovery. But I mention orgasms and shaming.
My woman wants me to climax. I love her for it, and I can usually oblige. However some days my body is a bit more stubborn than others.
"What do you need?" She asks me. "What can I do?"
And this is another spot where I feel the depth of the damage he caused me. Many times, I don’t know what I need or want. It has never really been about me.
Most times, though, I just don't have the ability to communicate it. I open my mouth but nothing comes out.
My brain swirls with too many bad experiences where I wasn't allowed to want anything. He rarely asked, even conversationally, what I actually liked. When I was asked and responded, I was corrected as if I didn’t know my own body, or he said “oh” in a disappointed tone, as though he was expecting/hoping I’d say something else.
Occasionally my response disgusted him; he told me he it was so awful he couldn’t continue unless we proceeded the way he liked it. So I learned to ask for what he wanted, to ask for the things I knew would get him off quickly, and off me. Sex was best served swift and efficiently.
I am not there. But I hope she keeps asking. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell her.
By Association
My city puts up a light display for the holidays. It’s common for families and couples to go and take pics in various spots.
Over the holidays my woman and I went as part of a date. It was cute, and it was a good night. But recovery, as always, made an appearance. She’s a goof ball - she kept trying to photo bomb selfies, and couples pictures. I kept pulling her away and refusing; all I could think of was “He’ll see me in the background and then FIND ME”
I only really had it in me to explain it to her yesterday, but she completely understood. She said she had only wished I had told her at the time so she would have stopped being playful about it (thinking I was just being shy).
I can’t shake thinking I ruined a bit of fun for her. Which makes me really, really sad that he’s tainted a memory for her too.
2020
Sorry for my absence. The holidays have some traumatic landmark memories for me, and I did my best to avoid all things that trigger.
Overall, I was successful. And my woman is doing her best to help me make some happier memory associations. She got me an xmas tree this year and a whole bunch of lights and ornaments.
I would say that I am cautiously looking forward to next year. At least the decorating part. I guess we can call that progress.
I watched something that pulled on my heart strings too hard earlier today and I can feel myself sinking into a hole. So I'm attempting to cheer myself up by telling my lady as many dad jokes as I can get my hands on. Her groans from the other room are breathing life back into me.
Got any good ones?
The flashbacks have eased some over the last 3.5 years. So last night startled me.
She and I are lying in bed winding down watching tiktok on my phone. She reached over me to take my phone out of my hand for some reason and her harm put a bit of pressure on my radius bone ( top of my forearm).
I shouted "Stop!" very intensely and very suddenly. My body went in full rigid alert mode, and she shrunk back like a wounded animal.
I thought about it for a second. He used to grab my arms there and squeeze. It was so painful and I felt so helpless. He'd also grab me there to shake me. There were always little finger shaped bruises on my forearms back then.
I apologised for the sharp response and I explained why it happened. She says she understands, but she blames herself for my reaction
How could she have known something so benign would have triggered a trauma response?
I feel terrible.
If I had mono now, my woman would make me tea and soup, and watch movies with me in bed. She’d tell me not to get up, that I need my rest, and help me take little walks when I started going stir crazy.
Your partner should be kind to you, and want you to be healthy and comfortable. Don’t let your brain tell you otherwise.
You deserve kindness, I promise.
Being sick is an Excuse: Episode 3
I had mono about 9 years ago. I was awake for 4ish hours a day, and just could not function for the rest. He could have threatened me with a knife and I wouldn’t have woken up or moved.
I spent my 4 hours of consciousness taking care of him while he sat on his computer and played video games. Cooked his dinner and lunches (I couldn’t swallow without immense pain, so I don’t think I ate?), did laundry, washed dishes, cleaned the bathroom, and then passed out.
Most people would help/comfort their partner. Him?
“Well if you’re going to be allowed to slack so much, you need to make up for it.”
Second Hand Anxiety
My partner has an interview today. I am LOSING MY FUCKING MIND about it. I feel like if she doesn't get the job it will be because I failed her.
Not sure if I just want her to get the job she really wants because it would make her happy and improve her quality of life. Or maybe it's because he blamed me for anything in his life that did not go his way.
"If you would have fucking slept on the couch so I could actually sleep...."
"They asked questions that weren't on the list you gave me. Thanks for fucking this up for me..."
"I don't fucking care if you don't know anything about machining. I told you to take notes for me to study for my trades exam. These notes are shit. It's like you're not even trying...."
Still figuring it out. I'll think about it while I go vomit. Stay tuned!
theestallion: We made it to JAPAN 🇯🇵
THANK YOU OMF—
SHE LOOK SO G O O D
“I can’t believe it’s just a burning memory…”
Couldn’t stop thinking about @squarefriend’s Heartache!Toriel sooooooo. Here she is. And I heard it’s Toriel Day today, so hitting two birds with one stone!
Circe
"i've got you, dont worry Circe's got now~"
It's Alphys appreciation time! (It's always Alphys appreciation time)
Paul with that haircut >>>
just made 10h long playlist that reminds me of alex blake
you can give it a listen
