The Stronger You Get, The Stronger They Expect You To Be.

The stronger you get, the stronger they expect you to be.

After slugging through the healing process for the last 3.5 years, I feel comfortable enough giving this kind of advice:

Find those little things that made you happy before.  You may be surprised to find that they will add little lights of happiness in your life once again. 

I powered through the entire Poirot series a few months ago.  I used to watch it with my parents on Masterpiece when I was young, but I hadn’t seen every episode, particularly the newer seasons.  

It’s so stylish and lovely. I love Art Deco, not that I’m an expert, and they show just the most beautiful clothing, housewares and architecture.  I always loved Suchet’s portrayal of our favourite Belgian detective. 

I would never have been able to watch something like this with him around. It would be ‘boring’  or just generally a waste of my time.

Being able to watch it again was like a fuzzy blanket. Or a warm cup of tea. So soothing and wonderful.

Small things can make a big difference, and I encourage you to indulge in those small things you enjoy.  “Everything matters” as Poirot would say.

Hercule Poirot + the finger

“Ah!” Poirot shook his forefinger so fiercely at me that I quailed before it. “Beware! Peril to the detective who says: ‘It is so small–it does not matter. It will not agree. I will forget it!’ That way lies confusion! Everything matters.” - Agatha Christie, The Mysterious Affair at Styles

This was one of gaps in my coping mechanism arsenal that I owe to him.

I mourn for the functioning adult I may have become if he hadn't held me under his thumb.

Double Standard Series - Episode 1

Example 1.  When we were still teenagers, he had a bearded dragon. One of its favourite things to eat was mixed greens.

He made me wash and scrub each leaf individually.  An entire package of this shit.  It would take me over an hour.

On a rare occasion where he volunteered to do the cleaning, I walked in on him washing the lettuce en masse in a colander. You know, the way any other reasonable person would.

I asked why I was forced to clean it in such an over-the-top way. He told me that I was inherently lazy and that if he didn’t give me very specific, detailed, and meticulous instructions that I would slack and his animal would die.

He was protecting his animal and making me a better person at the same time.  He was insulted that I didn’t see it that way.

turns out my life purpose isn’t supposed to be as small and silent and accommodating and convenient as possible

I've been alive 35 years today, which is at least 4 more than I was expecting.