The Stronger You Get, The Stronger They Expect You To Be.

The stronger you get, the stronger they expect you to be.

Double Standards Series - Episode 5

He could be pretty gross.  

His belching ranged from ground shaking to ear piercing.  He farted anywhere he liked, and as loud as he wanted.  He would hock loogies all the time.

This is all forgivable.  Human beings are disgusting.

The problem was, that it wasn’t forgivable for me to be human.  One time, I had snot on the outside of my nose in public, and he made such a big deal about it so other people noticed to embarrass me.

I didn’t fart in his presence.  Ever. I would go outside, or go to the washroom, or go to any room away from him where he wouldn’t hear it.  

Still anytime there was ever a bad smell, it was always be my fault.  He would look at me with disgust on his face and say my name with disdain.  He would then accuse me of lying and force me to apologize when I insisted that I didn’t ‘do it.’ It was extra special if he could do it in public.

This might sound trivial, but it was a big part of my life.  And it was humiliating. I had to fit into a neat and tidy and wholly unrealistic image of femininity that meant that I couldn’t even be comfortable in my home.  

It reminded me how completely inept I was at being a woman and a wife.

After slugging through the healing process for the last 3.5 years, I feel comfortable enough giving this kind of advice:

Find those little things that made you happy before.  You may be surprised to find that they will add little lights of happiness in your life once again. 

I powered through the entire Poirot series a few months ago.  I used to watch it with my parents on Masterpiece when I was young, but I hadn’t seen every episode, particularly the newer seasons.  

It’s so stylish and lovely. I love Art Deco, not that I’m an expert, and they show just the most beautiful clothing, housewares and architecture.  I always loved Suchet’s portrayal of our favourite Belgian detective. 

I would never have been able to watch something like this with him around. It would be ‘boring’  or just generally a waste of my time.

Being able to watch it again was like a fuzzy blanket. Or a warm cup of tea. So soothing and wonderful.

Small things can make a big difference, and I encourage you to indulge in those small things you enjoy.  “Everything matters” as Poirot would say.

Hercule Poirot + the finger

“Ah!” Poirot shook his forefinger so fiercely at me that I quailed before it. “Beware! Peril to the detective who says: ‘It is so small–it does not matter. It will not agree. I will forget it!’ That way lies confusion! Everything matters.” - Agatha Christie, The Mysterious Affair at Styles

Double Standards Series - Episode 4.

He rode a motorcycle, played paintball, drank expensive cognac and went to strip clubs regularly.

If i bought a sandwich while I was out I was wasting money.

This was one of gaps in my coping mechanism arsenal that I owe to him.

I mourn for the functioning adult I may have become if he hadn't held me under his thumb.