Does Anyone Else Have This Trauma Symptom?

Does anyone else have this trauma symptom?

Thinking about my childhood and any pleasant things from it makes me cry. I just watched something that played the theme to Mr. Dress Up and I'm weeping.

Second Hand Anxiety

My partner has an interview today. I am LOSING MY FUCKING MIND about it. I feel like if she doesn't get the job it will be because I failed her.

Not sure if I just want her to get the job she really wants because it would make her happy and improve her quality of life. Or maybe it's because he blamed me for anything in his life that did not go his way.

"If you would have fucking slept on the couch so I could actually sleep...."

"They asked questions that weren't on the list you gave me. Thanks for fucking this up for me..."

"I don't fucking care if you don't know anything about machining. I told you to take notes for me to study for my trades exam. These notes are shit. It's like you're not even trying...."

Still figuring it out. I'll think about it while I go vomit. Stay tuned!

Oopsie.

You know when you know something is a bad idea, but you do it anyways?

Have any of you figured out how to curb that yet?

I think she just grasped that there's a REALLY long way to go.

Therapist: Ok, I think we can try to tweak how you speak to yourself and shine some light in the dark. How do you feel when you get dressed up? You know, make up, cute outfit, that sort of thing...

Me: eeeeeee *laughs*

Therapist: ... That bad?

Me: "Wow, make up can't even help this. Look at what you have done to yourself. You should cover the mirrors in the house. You are a disgrace and disgusting and you're never going to come back from this. You're ugly, and you're going to be ugly for the rest of your life now. You have no value, slob."

Therapist: Holy shiiiiiit....

Did I mention I have to go back to this fucker to get him to sign things? 

Apparently I’ll never be safe.

So.  I got sexually harassed by one of my tax clients yesterday. 

He’s on disability and CRA (Canada’s IRS - less scary, still irritating) is jerking him around.  He’s “not going to file” to solve this issue (it won’t, but you can’t tell some people anything).  CRA will probably just cut off his benefits if he doesn’t file, and as I’m a fucking fool with no sense of self preservation or foresight I offered to do his return for free.  

So I’ve just agreed to do him a favour, and he starts calling me sweetheart.  I’m don’t say anything, and I wish I had because it went allll downhill from there. I roll up to pick up his documents and he’s shitfaced.  I don’t know what he was drinking, but I can’t get that sickeningly sweet smell out of my nose.

He starts trying to get me to “feel” his body parts that are “fucking jacked” now that he’s been working out.  I’m visibly uncomfortable. He asks me to grab his ass. “No, thanks”

He asked me to come up to his apartment.  I said that I was in a hurry to see other clients.  He asked me to go out to dinner with him and I told him I had a partner and wasn’t interested (why did I have to mention my partner, isn’t ‘not interested’ enough)?

THEN he says, and I fucking quote “Well you could always come upstairs for a one hour romance.”

“….Nope, I’m not interested.  I gotta go.”

“Oh come on, it’s just a sexual experience baby, that’s all it would be.”

*walking away dry heaving into my mask*

“Oh, ok, well thanks anyways!”

For the love of fuck, asshole.  I do your fucking taxes. I had half a mind to leave his docs with him, but I am propelled forwards by this self-destructive sense of compassion for people who are simply not worthy of it.

I'm feeling it tonight. This shit is a bitch.

You know that feeling where you're eyes are burning, and you can't focus on anything because you're so exhausted, but your body is wired and so pumped up with cortisol and dread that you can barely sit let alone actually sleep?

I felt like that for 10 years straight.