I Don't Think Compassion For Your Abuser Is Necessary, Nor Is It A Reasonable Expectation Of Abuse Survivors.

I don't think compassion for your abuser is necessary, nor is it a reasonable expectation of abuse survivors. But it might be good for some survivors. It's possible to be compassionate without reinserting yourself in someone's life.

What you need could change throughout the years, and it could differ wildly from what someone else needs at that same moment in time. Situations that look the same aren't necessarily.

*Incoming metaphor, sorry* Healing from abuse is a twisted, vine-y road covered in thorns. You just have to figure out how to make your way with as few injuries as possible. That could be with a machete, or pruners, or some cautious, thoughtful navigation. Or some mixture of the 3.

I don't know. I'm still figuring it out myself. What I do know, is that anytime anyone's tried to tell me what's good for me, it's been starkly in contrast to what I needed at the time.

The Recloseted Lesbian. Compassion

Hey. If you're still having sympathy and compassion for the person who hurt you, it's really ok.

I said 'fuck that guy' in my last post. But it took me a really long time to get there. Also, that may never be how you feel about them. That's ok too. You don't have to hate them.

Your feelings toward them don't invalidate what happened to you. And your feelings certainly are not evidence that it 'wasn't that bad'.

I think there are a lot of people out there that think that there's a single 'correct' way to heal. You can process and heal in whatever way works for you. You don't have to follow someone else's blueprint.

Give yourself space, grace and time.

I wrote this the day after my first-ever post. I was a mess. I'm still a mess, but it's a different kind of mess.

I still wonder at times if I need someone to 'keep me in line.' I have a partner who is kind and gentle, and has no interest in taming or training me.

I still don't trust that I am good enough to be hers. Or anyone's.

Uphill all the way

Sometimes I feel like he’s right. That I’m crazy. That he is a good man who tried so hard to help me become a functioning adult. That I was just too fucked up to make him happy.

It’s a funny thing to be trained not to trust yourself.

It was years. YEARS.

May Sarton, from Recovering: A Journal [ID in alt text]

Being sick is an excuse: Episode 1

I get migraines with auras ( mine are sparkly lights and blindspots) He made me drive to get him beer after I came home from work early with a migraine. I could barely keep my eyes open, but I did it. And the completion of the task showed that it really wasn’t that bad. I needed to stop over reacting.

Over a year ago, he got into an accident on his motorcycle and was in the hospital for more than two months. I found out by googling his name. Yes, I still do that occasionally, maybe once a year; I can't explain why succinctly.

When I first saw the GoFundMe, I nearly donated. I could see that it was set up by a 3rd party, so I could donate anonymously with strict instructions that my identity was not to be revealed under any circumstances.

However, I waited. I credit healing and therapy for this. I asked myself a few questions:

Knowing him like you do:

Do you think he appreciates the donations he's received so far?

Do you think he's saying nice things about the people who donated lower amounts?

Do you think he's being appreciative to the girlfriend he has that facilitated this and is undoubtedly taking care of him right now?

Do you think this kind of experience would change him for the better? Or would he use it as an excuse and motivation to be worse?

Do you think he would appreciate any amount from you?

Do you feel you financially owe him anything ever again?

Does he actually need this money?

Each question had the same answer. So I put my credit card away.