So Much Reprogramming To Do

So much reprogramming to do

So I'm starting to recover (barely) from whatever this stomach thing was and from some terrible corners of my brain I keep hearing:

" Oh good! I bet this shrank your stomach! "

" You've consumed less than half a day's worth of calories over 4 days; you're going to see some great results"

"Could you eat like this permanently?"

"Some clouds have a silver lining, you know..."

Cheers to not letting the monster take over.

““How to make a monster: First you must take something innocent, then feed it hate, ridicule and betrayal. All that is left is a soul poisoned by the world.””

— -via iitisveryoverrated (via bialyanqueen)

No one said it had to be grandiose platitudes that keep you here. Could be the peppermint latte you'll be picking up after work on Friday.

Some weeks that latte was all there was.

Over a year ago, he got into an accident on his motorcycle and was in the hospital for more than two months. I found out by googling his name. Yes, I still do that occasionally, maybe once a year; I can't explain why succinctly.

When I first saw the GoFundMe, I nearly donated. I could see that it was set up by a 3rd party, so I could donate anonymously with strict instructions that my identity was not to be revealed under any circumstances.

However, I waited. I credit healing and therapy for this. I asked myself a few questions:

Knowing him like you do:

Do you think he appreciates the donations he's received so far?

Do you think he's saying nice things about the people who donated lower amounts?

Do you think he's being appreciative to the girlfriend he has that facilitated this and is undoubtedly taking care of him right now?

Do you think this kind of experience would change him for the better? Or would he use it as an excuse and motivation to be worse?

Do you think he would appreciate any amount from you?

Do you feel you financially owe him anything ever again?

Does he actually need this money?

Each question had the same answer. So I put my credit card away.

Oh.

It has been 312 weeks since I have spoken to him.

Life is very different now.