No One Said It Had To Be Grandiose Platitudes That Keep You Here. Could Be The Peppermint Latte You'll

No one said it had to be grandiose platitudes that keep you here. Could be the peppermint latte you'll be picking up after work on Friday.

Some weeks that latte was all there was.

Trauma symptom: rushing in the bathroom.

It's been a while since I've had jarring ptsd symptoms, but yesterday I did get a feeling while I was using the restroom : Hurry! Before he realizes you're in here!

I've learned to get myself through these, so I'm fine. But oof.

I wrote this the day after my first-ever post. I was a mess. I'm still a mess, but it's a different kind of mess.

I still wonder at times if I need someone to 'keep me in line.' I have a partner who is kind and gentle, and has no interest in taming or training me.

I still don't trust that I am good enough to be hers. Or anyone's.

Uphill all the way

Sometimes I feel like he’s right. That I’m crazy. That he is a good man who tried so hard to help me become a functioning adult. That I was just too fucked up to make him happy.

It’s a funny thing to be trained not to trust yourself.

Being sick is an excuse: Episode 1

I get migraines with auras ( mine are sparkly lights and blindspots) He made me drive to get him beer after I came home from work early with a migraine. I could barely keep my eyes open, but I did it. And the completion of the task showed that it really wasn’t that bad. I needed to stop over reacting.

I don't think compassion for your abuser is necessary, nor is it a reasonable expectation of abuse survivors. But it might be good for some survivors. It's possible to be compassionate without reinserting yourself in someone's life.

What you need could change throughout the years, and it could differ wildly from what someone else needs at that same moment in time. Situations that look the same aren't necessarily.

*Incoming metaphor, sorry* Healing from abuse is a twisted, vine-y road covered in thorns. You just have to figure out how to make your way with as few injuries as possible. That could be with a machete, or pruners, or some cautious, thoughtful navigation. Or some mixture of the 3.

I don't know. I'm still figuring it out myself. What I do know, is that anytime anyone's tried to tell me what's good for me, it's been starkly in contrast to what I needed at the time.

The Recloseted Lesbian. Compassion

Cheers to not letting the monster take over.

““How to make a monster: First you must take something innocent, then feed it hate, ridicule and betrayal. All that is left is a soul poisoned by the world.””

— -via iitisveryoverrated (via bialyanqueen)