Enoughdonegone - It's Not Fine.

The idea of a 'soulmate' kept me with him.

"I was put here to love him. If not me, then who?"

Turns out, it's someone else's gig (Pixies, protect her), and I get to choose to love my partner, who's awesome, every day.

I love soulmates but also this-

Therapy has been really huge for me. I don't want to understate that.

But i have been reading fanfic a lot lately, some of it dark, some deranged, some dirty, some all 3. It has been so cathartic to find people who put on 'paper' the ugliest bits of myself.

There's people out there that are going scream something about promoting problematic shit, but fuck you. Sonething something Nuance. Something something fiction.

It's not for you. There's tags. Read em. Move on. Let us broken babies wallow in the filth.

Seriously, if you write fanfic, you could very well be pulling someone from a ledge. Love you.

Approximately 24 hours out from discovery and I can talk about it a little. There were two things I felt in particular that I was ashamed of:

Jealousy - this lasted for no more than 5 seconds, but it was still the first one I felt. Can you really hate someone if you're jealous of the person they're with, however fleeting that emotion is?

Doubt in my own experience - it hits so subtly, but like a freight train at the same time. If she likes him and wants to marry him, he can't be that bad, right? Was everything I felt and experienced real? Or was it al in my head? Did I invent it all to justify being a bad person?

It's been seven years, and I still don't trust my own brain.

He's getting married to someone I am about 3 or 4 degrees of separation from (depending on your definition).

It's not a full spiral, but there's definitely some things I need to talk to my therapist about. Some emotions that ranged from mild and controlled to shameful.

But generally, I think I'm doing ok. I'm currently eating my feelings at nearly 3am, but I've had worse nights.

I bought a car.

It's used, but it is still so so much money.

Spending money is still really hard for me because he made everything terrible. So, while other people would be excited, I'm going to go lay down in the shower for the night.

See y'all in a few weeks.

Pick Me Up Idea

Disclaimer: This only works if you're of a certain age.

Go into that old folder that has all of the music you downloaded. You know, the one you haven't looked at in at least 10 years.

Peruse. Listen to some select pieces. Remind yourself that you had good taste. Or something close.

Remind yourself of those days you used to dance around like a fool. Before they crushed the passion out of you. Before your interests turned to haze.

Be prepared for the memories; some good, some miserable, some a mix.

Also, be prepared to dance around like a fool again.