YOU Dont Have To Be Perfect To Be Loved. But I Do

YOU don’t have to be perfect to be loved. but I do

Approximately 24 hours out from discovery and I can talk about it a little. There were two things I felt in particular that I was ashamed of:

Jealousy - this lasted for no more than 5 seconds, but it was still the first one I felt. Can you really hate someone if you're jealous of the person they're with, however fleeting that emotion is?

Doubt in my own experience - it hits so subtly, but like a freight train at the same time. If she likes him and wants to marry him, he can't be that bad, right? Was everything I felt and experienced real? Or was it al in my head? Did I invent it all to justify being a bad person?

It's been seven years, and I still don't trust my own brain.

He's getting married to someone I am about 3 or 4 degrees of separation from (depending on your definition).

It's not a full spiral, but there's definitely some things I need to talk to my therapist about. Some emotions that ranged from mild and controlled to shameful.

But generally, I think I'm doing ok. I'm currently eating my feelings at nearly 3am, but I've had worse nights.

Therapy has been really huge for me. I don't want to understate that.

But i have been reading fanfic a lot lately, some of it dark, some deranged, some dirty, some all 3. It has been so cathartic to find people who put on 'paper' the ugliest bits of myself.

There's people out there that are going scream something about promoting problematic shit, but fuck you. Sonething something Nuance. Something something fiction.

It's not for you. There's tags. Read em. Move on. Let us broken babies wallow in the filth.

Seriously, if you write fanfic, you could very well be pulling someone from a ledge. Love you.

😬

Living with him made it very difficult to be a good person. I wasn't. That made it difficult to leave.

two things can be true at the same time. your behavior could've been toxic but you were still being abused. you don't have to be an angel to be a victim.