I Bought A Car.

I bought a car.

It's used, but it is still so so much money.

Spending money is still really hard for me because he made everything terrible. So, while other people would be excited, I'm going to go lay down in the shower for the night.

See y'all in a few weeks.

Therapy has been really huge for me. I don't want to understate that.

But i have been reading fanfic a lot lately, some of it dark, some deranged, some dirty, some all 3. It has been so cathartic to find people who put on 'paper' the ugliest bits of myself.

There's people out there that are going scream something about promoting problematic shit, but fuck you. Sonething something Nuance. Something something fiction.

It's not for you. There's tags. Read em. Move on. Let us broken babies wallow in the filth.

Seriously, if you write fanfic, you could very well be pulling someone from a ledge. Love you.

I don't know if this was the direction you were going OP, but you've triggered a memory and I'm hijacking your post. Sorry.

If I didn't cook, he didn't eat. Period.

After he kicked me out, I was still under his spell for nearly 2 years. During this time, he did his best to mistreat and torture me, more than previously. One of his tactics was trying to find a new victim partner. I sort of got to 'watch' their relationship develop in real time. At least from his perspective.

I saw the moment he decided to allow things to go downhill with one woman. She cooked for him, and apparently was very proud of what she made, her 'signature.' He didn't like it, said it was bland and uninspired.

So he fucked me when he knew she'd be stopping by. Then, he pretended like it was my fault because I was too noisy, or because I was near a window and she saw me in the house, or whatever logical gymnastics he wanted to perform that day.

Afterward he said it was for the best because she was 'unreasonable'. But I know it was because he didn't like her cooking.

If she didn't cook something he liked, he wouldn't eat. Period.

I'm curious. Reblog this if you know how to cook

I don’t even care if it’s macaroni, ramen or those little bowls you stick in the microwave. Please, I need reassurance that most of the population on tumblr WOULDN’T STARVE TO DEATH if their parents couldn’t fix them food or they couldn’t go out to eat. 

Approximately 24 hours out from discovery and I can talk about it a little. There were two things I felt in particular that I was ashamed of:

Jealousy - this lasted for no more than 5 seconds, but it was still the first one I felt. Can you really hate someone if you're jealous of the person they're with, however fleeting that emotion is?

Doubt in my own experience - it hits so subtly, but like a freight train at the same time. If she likes him and wants to marry him, he can't be that bad, right? Was everything I felt and experienced real? Or was it al in my head? Did I invent it all to justify being a bad person?

It's been seven years, and I still don't trust my own brain.

He's getting married to someone I am about 3 or 4 degrees of separation from (depending on your definition).

It's not a full spiral, but there's definitely some things I need to talk to my therapist about. Some emotions that ranged from mild and controlled to shameful.

But generally, I think I'm doing ok. I'm currently eating my feelings at nearly 3am, but I've had worse nights.