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i love u oomf

I LOVE U OOOOMF

i took a shower this morning,

but i didn’t wash my hair.

it smelled like cigarettes.

it looks terrible,

but i wanted to keep that lingering bit of you.

i fear i am too vast.

i would rather squeeze into a box than be scrutinized for not belonging to any of them.

the bouquet hangs like a cross on my wall,

a forged religion left to die.

i left a church once before,

i can’t bring myself to leave this one, even if the cross is all that is left behind.

alternatively.

Looking at the digital clock, red numbers aglow, the light doesn’t outstretch to where the room is graced with a moonlit hum. There, between these two echoing waves of luminescence, a shadow rests. A deep, deep, shadow, that you look into like you look to the bottom of the ocean. Unseen endlessness. These shadows exist in other ways, between other glints and gleams, these shadows pool up, with no discernable depth. There in those shadows, in this void, I indulge in the belief of other existence. Within these voids rests parallels, souls, worlds unknown. Since we cannot see what these shadows conceal, there is no way to say what does or does not lie beyond them. Maybe that is not a fair way to argue it, but what in this world is fair? In this world, lest I can imagine, lest I can enjoy. But in that one - there I can go as I please. There, those multiverses, those lost longings, those creatures I wish to meet. I imagine a warm, overdue greeting when I arrive in those worlds. Maybe in one of them, you still love me. Maybe in another, beloved pets live forever. Another, entities roar and garner a respect lost in this one. And another, there’s two moons in the sky, and each star talks. Universes await, and in each one I am welcomed. Floating in a fleeting world, only to disappear when the sun rises again, or when you turn on a light.

mortal unfairness

"I love you." No, that's not it. "Existence is tiresome without you." Not that either. Think, you silly girl, think. "To exist without you is to forget how to breathe. To forget myself, my soul, my everything. You are a part of me, you are a wound that never closes, you are my scars and my smiles..." Not quite. I need something more, something... Right. "My heart yearns for the impossible. You have started a war I cannot win. And that, mortal enemy of mine, cannot ever be deemed fair." The truth will do nicely. The last of the ink blotted, she watched her words fade, the ink cement itself into the fibres of the parchment as she caressed its edges. Then, she pressed the letter to her lips, and cast it to the fire. The ashes would swallow her words, the fire would consume the guilt that gnawed at her stomach - she hoped.

old and also new

When you found me, I was on a shelf. Dusty, used, longed for, yet forgotten. Then I met you. You plucked me off of the shelf. You brushed the dust off me, patted me on the head, And said, You will be fine my love. You will be mine. You will be loved. You showed me love for a short time. Then, one day, you did what everyone else had done. You found a new doll.  You put me back on the shelf, and soon enough, there she was. Now I shall collect the dust once again. 

sick to my stomach knowing you might be happy

i turn over the dice,

one, four, three,

and you must turn them back - even if you aren’t thinking of me.

i will never forget the color of your eyes.

unfortunately that is only my demise.

I wanted to be like you. Literarily enlightened. Therefore I started reading more,  maybe my vocabulary would be heightened. I wanted to tell you all that I had learned. Then we could talk for all that time would allow. I wanted to write you a note in a book, so sure that we would share our lives now. Now I cant pick up a book without thinking of you. Happy?

source

as if we didn’t melt into each other,

as if the lines didn’t blur,

as if our souls didn’t intertwine,

as if your arm isn’t perfectly the length of my back,

as if we don’t share a mind and a taste in music,

as if we hadn’t learned from each other in just a few days’ time,

as if you refused to show me where your foundation cracked,

as if you were trying to protect me,

as if you were letting me down gently,

as if you ever meant it each time you said me you loved me.

i can’t go back to “what’s your favorite movie?” when i know we both felt our souls intertwine

that crinkly, dried up bouquet fell in my sleep,

and i didn’t even wake up.

i’ve been sleepwalking long enough, just tell me.

or do i come to you in omens, too?

i have not forgotten yours.

i’ll cherish everything we didn’t get to do.

all the dates we never went on,

the cape trip we never took.

the way we never got to dance and the way we never got raising canes.

silly, don’t you think?

no, not the raising canes.

loving every minute of what we never got done.

just like that, you have slipped out of my grasp.

i hold yet a fragment of you.

i must hold it firmly, for it cannot leave, yet i cannot hold it too tight, for i wish not to crush it,

i wish not to crush you.

yet you are still crumbling in my fingertips and soon there will be nothing i can do.

you have already decided to slip through by the cracks of my palms. i was never good enough to keep hold of you.

why do i know its coming? why is the end inching closer, closer? it's killing me, my love, its taking the air out of my chest and tearing it open. it reveals my heart to you. yet you do not care. you won't take it, you won't even look at it. it would be easier if you just spat on it. you have spat on it. and you don't even know. i know, though. i know where you lie.

and at the end of it all, we didn’t even get to dance

for once in my life, the past is past.

no photo of me before you holds the weight it used to.

no single day was ever as bright as mine are now.

now.

now, i am looking forward.

you have plucked me up, brushed me off, patted my head, and turned me around.

i am facing away from the past, looking the same direction as you. forward.

your hair is the perfect spot for my hand.

it rests like a bunny in soft, tall grass.

a peace i’ve longed for - a peace you happily provide.

i never want to forget the color of your eyes.

i’ve forgotten others; not cared to remember.

but yours scream to me:

“remember me.”

“know me.”

“love me.”

and all i can manage to do is obey. all i can do is miss your eyes. all i can do is miss you.

i will never forget the color of your eyes.

from "i know you by heart"