WIP Wednesday

WIP Wednesday

I'm trying to be more productive, so I'm going to post one of these every week. Today's is a small section from "Knowing is Safe" Part 3. It's a flashback of cutie's past.

Trigger warning for anxiety, paranoia, emotionally abusive parent, neglectful parent.

Shes not going to 

She did last time

And the time before that

And the time before that

And all the other times

She's tired of it

But she threw us out

It's not our fault

Yes it is

We blocked her

We stopped her from reading our mide

Stopped her from protecting us

But I don't want her to continually be in my mind

I want privacy

I want to feel like I can

Think without being heard

Be myself

You can

Not with her in here

she s your mom

But it hurts

What was that?

A twig

Snapping

A person

Where

I can't see

It's too dark

I'm scared

I want mom

“MOM! MOM SOMEONE IS OUT HERE. PLEASE LET ME IN. I'M SORRY I WON'T DO IT AGAIN.”

“THAT'S WHAT YOUR SISTER SAID AND WHERE IS SHE NOW?” Your sister

She's safe

She taught us how to block mom

She did this

No, she helped us

She can help again 

You stop knocking on the door and start walking away. Away from home, away from your mom. You walked the streets in the dark, with no phone no flashlight, just the clothes on your back. Summer clothes.

Its cold

I know

I wish we had a jacket

Is this the street?

Yes

You turn down the street, wishing you were wearing warmer, longer clothes. When you picked out this outfit you didn't think you'd end up out this late, in the cold. 

People

Bad

Its a group

Brown bags

Liquor

Eyes down

Keep walking

What do I do if they approach

I don't know

No weapon

Just our hands and feet

Keep walking

Keep walking

Speed up

Door

Inside

Sister

Safe

You open the door to the building your sister lives in quickly rushing to her apartments, even though no one was following you. You hoped you remembered correctly the first and only time you were here. Tears from earlier sprung back to life as you frantically knock on the door. Deja Vu from minutes ago, days ago, and weeks ago flood your mind as you recall all the time you were at your house door, begging, crying screaming for your mother to open the door. Today was the worst of it, shed never lock you out for this long, or this late, your knuckles were never this red and your voice was never this hurt. 

Just started play error 143 and I LOVE IT

The voice aahahhaha

The intro is just, I was flabbergasted

The blooming panic poster in the back of micahs room

Add on: HE CALLED ME BABY BOI

Another add on: HE RICH, I HAD SUSPECTED IT BUT DAMN, HELLO SUGAR DADDY MICAH

Add on 3: OF HE DOESN'T STOP WITHTHIS BBY BOI SHITNIM GONNA LOSE MY MIND

A Deal

257  words

Fandom: Redacted Asmr

Couple: None, mentions of Darlin/Quinn and Darlin/Sam

TW/CW: Panic attacks, descriptions of panic like attacks, extream loneliness, very brief moments of self harm( clawing at ones skin)

A/N: this is self-indulgent, it's based on how my separation anxiety feels.

Let me know if I missed a trigger.

Please comment and reblog, it lets me know people like my stuff and encourages me to write more!!!!!!

Click here if you want to see more of my work and follow me for more!

Loneliness was always a part of their life 

It was like they sign a contract, loneliness for strength and reputation

They forgot to read the fine print

They didn't realize the loneliness would always be there

Even when they out with a group

Or when with Quinn

One minute they'd pray he'd leave 

The next, they are clawing at their chest to get the pain of being left alone out of their heart.

When Sam entered their life they thought it would be easier. 

But those nights when they wake, alone. Their heart squeezes like it's pushing all of the blood out, trying to cut itself off from what keeps it working

Just like Darlin’

They know he's at work, they know that

But their chest doesn't get the message as they heave. Words they'd never say to another escaping their lungs. 

Their so desperate to be held by someone

By him

There never thought of themselves as desperate

No one has

That's was the problem

No one thought about the effects they had on Darlin’

Because their strong

Built like a tank

A lone wolf

But they don't want that

They never did

No matter what teenage  Darlin’ did or said

It was an act

A rebellion

A test for the pack

Many failed

But more tired again

And again

And again

Eventually, they let the pack in

But the loneliness they feel in the dark of their room

In the dark of their heart. Is something no one can change

That no one can heal

THIS! THIS!! OMG. I love it cause it's fantastic.

As someone who has had sensory overload, this is an excellent interpretation.

AND the way Huxley, without instruction, knew what would help, knew how to calm Damien, so much that he fell asleep, HE FELL ASLEEP.

Highly recommend , Highly loved by me

You Came? You Called.

Damien has had a week and finally breaks down, Huxley is there to comfort him however. [new fic] As requested by the lovely @espressoth

Huxley took his hands out of the warm water and began drying them quickly. He was in the middle of washing the dishes when Damien called and he dropped anything to answer him. His half dry hands grabbed the phone and right before he hit the answer button, the call screen disappeared. His brow furrowed as he stared at his phone knowing it didn’t ring anywhere near long enough for it to have gone to voicemail for Damien. He hung up before Hux even had the chance to answer. Something was wrong and Huxley knew it. He knew his partner. He was quick to grab his keys and bag and he was out the door. 

Damien was in his bed, breathing heavy, temperature unbearably hot. He was overheating in every sense of the word. He watched the phone shaking in his own hands as the thoughts swarmed through his head. I shouldn’t have called him. I should just leave him alone. He doesn’t want to hear from me. He wouldn’t want to deal with this. He would help. Fuck. Why can’t it just shut up. The room was too hot, he was too hot, everything felt like it was burning up inside him. This week was too much. Everything about this week was too much. Everything from school to family had been exhausting this week and he finally snapped. He thought maybe escaping to a bathroom break during one of his classes would help cool him off but that only made the situation worse. The second he got to the bathroom he started trying to cool off, regulating his breathing, and a group of guys walked in. They were loud, too loud. And he snapped. He left the now heated room, slamming the door behind him, leaving the group to stare at the fire elemental storming out. 

He felt those stares on his back as he left, practically hearing the laughter echoing afterward. This was just the start of it. He knew he needed to get home as fast as possible before he blew up on campus. He knew what came after this. The overheating, the anger, the frustration, the meltdown. Every door he walked through was slammed behind him and he couldn’t find it in him to care right now. He needed to leave. Everything, the way his shoes squeaked on the wet sidewalk, walking past people talking, someone's laughter, sent him hurling faster and faster towards the edge. Once he reached his door he finally took a breath, shaky as it may have been. He stood there grasping at anything he could in himself to gather himself. He didn’t want to have this breakdown, not right now, not ever. It frustrated him to no end that he couldn’t get a hole of himself, he couldn’t talk himself down. All he could do was talk himself in circles and he fucking hated it. He hated that loss of control. 

It didn’t take long for him to collapse onto his bed, holding back his own tears. His hands were shaking as he picked up the phone. He knew Huxley would help. He was a calm presence and he knew that stability would help. But somehow it scared him to hit the call button. He knew he was safe with Huxley but at this point he was so in his head already. He was spiraling and he was doing it fast. He hit the button. The noise of the call connecting rang out into the room. His head was spinning with the ringing. He shouldn't have done this. He shouldn’t bother him. Fuck. fuck he shouldn’t have done this. He shouldn’t bother him with this. Fuck. He deserves better. He has enough going on. Leave him alone. He’ll leave. Fuck. He hits the end call button. He hopes Huxley is busy with something else. He turns his phone off. 

Not long after that a knock at Damien’s door pulled him out of his spiral even for a brief moment. Who the fuck could be at his door right now. Why can’t everyone just go away. Please just go away. Go away. But he made his way to the door, reluctant and irritated. Peeking outside the door he saw Huxley was standing there, breathing heavily. What the hell? He swung the door open fast, standing in front of his boyfriend. “Huxley what the hell are you doing here?” Damien stared up at him, confusion, almost anger boiling out towards him. The second it came out though he knew he shouldn’t have said it like that, the frustration with the world soaked the words and he hated that they were said to Huxley. The thoughts began echoing in the back of his mind again. “I uh, I wanted to make sure you were okay.” He looked down at his clearly overwhelmed boyfriend, worry etched across his face. He could feel the heat coming off of Damien from here. And he knew Damien didn’t mean the words he said and he wanted to tell him that, but now wasn’t the time. And Damien stared at him in silence, a trace of surprise in his eyes as they stared at each other for a moment. All until Damien looked away from him, eyes focused downwards as he spoke softly. “You came?” The crack in his voice was barely audible as he stared at Huxley’s shoes. Noticing that they were tied in a loose knot. Quietly hating the tears that were threatening to spill over again. “You called.” Huxley’s voice was steady and assuring. He knew reaching out to touch him would be anything but helpful right now, so he stayed, waiting on Damien’s reaction. And just like that Damien broke down. Those two words were enough. His shoulders began shaking, the tears rolled quickly down his cheeks. He took a step back into his apartment, allowing Huxley in with him. Huxley was quick to act, moving into the apartment with Damien, and closing the door quietly and quickly. He kept his voice low when he said “Do you want to go to the bedroom?” A simple nod was all Huxley needed to begin quickly moving with Damien to the bedroom, taking however long Damien needed to get there. Once they got there Huxley made quick work. He helped Damien get situated in bed, ensuring there weren’t too many blankets surrounding him and helping him take off the hoodie he couldn’t muster up the ability to take off sooner when he was too overwhelmed with everything already. Next he moved the bag off of his back, one Damien hadn’t even noticed at first. Huxley was careful to be quiet and gentle with it as he opened it, trying to not make too much noise, remembering how Damien had described noise as a sort of scraping feeling against his brain, only getting worse at times like this. The first thing he grabbed out of it was Damien’s noise canceling headphones. Damien hadn’t even attempted to look for them when he got home and was relieved to see Huxley had brought his extra set he left there. Another searing tear poured over the edge as he grabbed them from Huxley. Damiens hands were still shaking with frustration that he couldn’t get his tears under control, couldn’t get the swirling in his head to go away. And the second the headphones were around his head, cutting off the noises from the surrounding world, he felt a sense of peace in his head for the first time in hours. The yelling became a hum, still there but not nearly as loud as it had been. 

Once Huxley saw Damien’s mind ease a bit at the pressure now around his head, quieting the world around him, he grabbed the next thing out of the bag. He held up the water bottle to his partner and tapped lightly on the bottle in question. Damien looked at it and quickly nodded, knowing water would help the situation. Huxley gave a thumbs up in silent acknowledgement and stood from the bed and made his way quickly to the kitchen. In his moment alone, Damien used it to breathe, attempting to calm his still shaking shoulders and the quiver in his lip. You’re being ridiculous. You shouldn’t be reacting like this. You can’t be like this around him. Yes I can. You’re safe with him. He’ll take care of you. What if he leaves me because of this. His mind was still a battlefield as he tried to wrestle the bad thoughts down.

Huxley was quick to return, straw already at the ready for Damien to drink as he pleased. Damien managed to smile at the small detail and carefully took the bottle from Huxley. The drink was cold in his mouth and felt incredible against his unusually dry tongue. Hux stood for a moment watching Damien before moving towards the window in the room. Damien looked over as Huxley pointed at the blinds, another silent question. Damien nodded, appreciation now written across his face. Huxley knew Damien and Damien could see that in this moment. Huxley offered a smile to his boyfriend and began slowly pulling the shade, carefully closing the room into darkness. Huxley then moved towards the bed, and tapped his hand three times. Their nonverbal sign question of “touch?” It was moments like these that Damien was unbearably happy to have set those signals up together in the first place. But he stared at Hux for a moment, contemplating. 

Finally managing to move his hands to fan himself and point at Huxley, another signal. Their signal that Damien knew he was hot and didn’t want to hurt Huxley. But again, with a small smile this time, Huxley tapped his own hand three times. With that the tears threatened Damien’s eyes again as he nodded. So Huxley crawled into bed next to Damien, allowing Damien to lay his head on his chest. Careful to not touch areas Huxley knew overstimulated Damien, he laid his arm around his partner. And for the first time in what felt like ages, Damien took in a deep breath. He stared up at the ceiling from his point of view on his back, head on Huxley’s chest. Completely enveloped in quiet with his headphones on as he closed his eyes.

Damien woke to Huxley’s fingers combing through his hair slowly and carefully. The headphones had come off some time ago during his nap, but he didn’t wake for that. He woke to the calming sensation of his boyfriend's fingers wrapping around his hair. A slow and calculated pattern as he wove through his hair. Safe. He opened his eyes and moved his head to look at Huxley to see a slight smile on his partner's face, a look of contentment. He smiled back at him, not caring about anything else in the world at that moment. All that mattered right here, right now was each other. A few moments into the moment of contentment was when Damien noticed how quiet his mind had finally gotten. He still didn’t feel quite ready to try speaking, he knew how delicate this stage was. Huxley did too, so his steady pace in Damien’s hair slowed to a stop as he moved one of his fingers to his mouth and tapped twice. The signal asking if he could speak or if that would be too much for Damien right now. Damien responded with a nod. 

“Is there anything I can do for you right now baby?” His tone was hushed as he looked at his boyfriend. Damien watched him for a moment, thinking over the options in his head. Eventually leaning his head back down on Huxley’s chest, and tapped the top of his head. Huxley smiled at the small gesture and put his fingers back in Damien’s hair, slowly returning back to his previous pattern. Damien let out a sigh of relief again, focusing on the hand in his hair. Safe. He knew he was safe in this moment, here with Huxley. Those feelings from before, his worry and fear that Huxley would leave him over this vanished with every comb through his hair. He was safe. Huxley wasn’t going anywhere and the rest of the world could wait. 

For right now, he was safe and he was loved. And that’s all he needed right now.

Wip Wednesday

Part two of, not my partner

" did you here the news"

" yeah, 3 months"

" why you so down?"

" 3 months"

" that's what he said. Seriously are you okay"

" we broke up 3 months ago"

' what"

" quest broke up.woth me 3 months ago"

" wait. You said it was mutual"

" I lied, I didn't want to tell people how.stupid I am

"Wow wow, your not stupid, things with you and quest didn't work out. That life."

"After I realized it wasn't romantic love I tried to fall in love with you, fake it till it came true when you started to plan a trip to visit me, I felt guilty, I knew I had to tell you before you spent all that money just to see a boyfriend who doesn't love you the way you thought he did. "

You stopped talking, looking down at your lap, you stared and your hand as it picked at your pants. Your stayed staring and picking as you added more

" that's what he said to me.Know you now how stupid i was.

Xyx sat on the other side of the screen, silent. It killed you, you  had to stop it

“ We were together for 11 months, almost a year. We broke up 3 months ago, and- according to quest, he got with his girlfriend also 3 months ago.”

I am obsessed with the audio where Aaron talks about what he wants out of the relationship. I often listen to it instead of comfort videos, there's just something about someone WANTING to communicate.

I'm also a big fan of sams whisper voice. And how he's always asking if what he's doing is okay. I love sam.

I know Huxley would be picked anyone up while hugging Huxley no matter how big or tall they are. He's a big, tall, strong, man and he says "it just- feel necessary." and "is it really a hug if their feet are still touching the ground?" and then he laughs, you know the one

speaking of which, I love Huxley's laugh like uugggggggg please never stop. It always makes me smile.

Things that make me melt

When Vincent calls the listener “little one”

The entire Milo sleep aid video

David’s sleep aid video and when he calls the listener baby

When Asher shifted to cuddle babe in the pillow fort

Geordi

The thought of Huxley hugs bc I’m 5’3

Avior being sweet to starlight

When Sam Sams towards darlin’

Lasko

Damien but literally. bc I get hot so easily

No seriously though when Damien goes all soft and sweet

When Gavin stops fun time with freelancer to talk about how much he wants to be viewed as a person and not just sex

When Aaron communicates how he feels and what he needs and encourages listener to do the same

When Elliot comforts the listener in their nightmare

Also did I mention Vincent calling lovely “little one” bc it makes all the tension in my body just…disappear.

And Milo forehead kisses 😭

Please just get me one of these men irl

Oh and also just caelum existing. He’s a precious bean that I want to protect forever.