Day 464: 6days Before I Add Another Year In My Life...

Day 464: 6days before I add another year in my life...

I spent the day feeling so bored and in panic mode. I feel like I fucked up something. Or maybe I am just worried for it's only 6 more days before I turn 22. This means I hafta spend my whole life studying since I told myself a couple of years ago (or maybe that was last year) that I will focus in school IF I will not be able to find love before I turn 22 years old.

*sigh* what have I done this past few years? where's my prince charming? is he still on his way here? or did he gave up on me already?

boohoo! I know I still have 6 more days left but I think it's not enough anymore. I don't want to be hopeless. But at the same time, I feel like I am already a loser and I will never find my happiness.

Oh dear prince charming, wherever you are please send me a sign that you're still  and will still be waiting for me.... I am so eager to meet you. I want to enjoy a happily-ever-after with you on the remaining days of my life. I want to experience this love and feeling of security in everyone's talking about.

Day489: 22 and still searching for happiness...

On the 25th of April, after class I ate lunch with my friends from the nursing program. We went to Shogun had some sushi. As always, i had a (strawberry) margarita just coz i am with them. Tita Jo and Tita Janet gave me a purse. I was touched by their generosity for it has been awhile since i celebrated my bday with friends. Mylabs was there too. He actually greeted me when he saw me after their class. That time, i thought the world stopped spinning. It felt like it was just me and him. I was so giddy he actually went with us. I really thought he won't come. Thank god he did. It's a bonus! Lol And then on the 26th of April (yesterday), i celebrated my twin and I's 22nd birthday with the fambam. We had lunch at Red Lobsters. Then I watched Scary Movie 5 with my sister and Mark. I appreciate my family's effort to celebrate this day. Things would have been better though if Umpe was here too to celebrate my bday. It's the 2nd time already. I feel like I am missing something. And I know I will never have it. It will never be the same without you, Umpe ko. I try to be as positive like always but tonight i am feeling this emptiness more than ever. I love you and I miss you so much Umpe ko. Always and forever.

day 357: last day of 2012

goodbye 2012!

there were so many things that happened this year. i gained new friends. i learned new experiences. i was exposed to a new environment. i had another year spent with my family. i found an inspiration. i got my A.S. in Science. i got into the nursing program. a lot of happy memories happened and i am thankful for those. however, together with it, i also felt the worse pain ever. i cried the most. i lost the most important person in my life. 2012 is the year i became incomplete and i don't know when am i going to be whole again. i lost hope. i gave up in most of the challenges i had to face this year. i failed in most of my tests in school. i let go of the chances that would have made me a better person. i disappointed my parents over and over again throughout the year. i did a lot of mistakes and i regret doing all of it. if only i can undo my past, i'll do it. i'm so sorry for lacking so much in all areas in my life. i don't think i improved as a person. i don't remember making someone happy or proud of me. i think i did worse. despite everything that happened throughout this year, i don't want to forget any of those memories and mishaps. i hope i learned a lesson from those experiences...

i don't want to make another promise that i'll change for the better because it never happens. i just want to at least get by through life. i just want to live peacefully. i hope 2013 will be good to me. i'll try to do whatever i can. and this time, i want to find mr. right. i want to make my mommy and daddy happy. i want let my family know how thankful i am to have them and be in this family. i want to do good in the program. i want to meet new people and make friends. i want to be more mature. i want to gain more experiences. 2013, please help me make it through the whole year the way i got over 2012. make this a happy new year for me.

hello 2013!

asdfghjkllove

Before the world ends...

Yesterday was our final exam in MedSurg. I was really nervous coz I know I was in the boderline to get a B. Up until tonight, I am still worried about getting that B. I know I didn't do well on my ATI too. I feel disappointed of myself. Now, i hafta study harder not only for myself but also for my future patients. And then my worries were washed away after my two fave titas decided to go wine tasting after the test. It was my first time and i was fortunate to experience it with them. Mr. Cutie was there too. We even get to take pictures together. It was nice spending the whole day with the nicest and most sincere people I met from the nursing program. I enjoyed the wine, the view, the moments with each of them, and the smiles and laughters we shared together. I tried 5 different wines yesterday. they were good. it got me hot. i even stayed close to the wall just to make sure I won't fall back or stumble in front of these people. lol it was a good first time experience of drinking an alcoholic beverage. rhe fact that my labs was there made the experience more memorable. Mylabs made "akbay" pa nga and I was really shy at that moment coz idk how i should react. But he was really cool with it. i think he already discovered that i have a crush on him by the way i acted yesterday. lol idc anymore. i just love being around them coz they make me happy while i discover who i really am. I even got to look into his eyes every time he tells stories. his dimples are killing me. he is really the cutest. i can't wait to spend another day with them coz so far, it was one of the best experiences I had. And today, i had my last clinical rotation at RCH. We were very relaxed this morning except on the time when I was freaking out when my classmate was not able to pick me up. Hahaha that was scary. I thought i was going to be late and sent back home. Good thing we made it on time. Then the awesome Friday group had lunch together. It was nice. Good food and good stories were shared. Oh I also had my second alcoholic drink, the mango mango mojito. It was the best drink ever. It got me a little hot and dizzy but i managed to walk back to the parking lot without falling. I enjoyed it even though the whole group were laughing at me for being the "virgin" drinker LOL At about 1:30pm, we said our goodbyes. One thing I will never forget was Tart's goodbye. How I wish I can replay that moment so I'll catch up on his last words for me. I know he said something about drinking/ partying. Hahaha idk i think he is cute and really funny. I hope i'll be friends with the whole class soon! Second semester should be a good one too. I am so glad i did something unexpected and different yesterday and today. I enjoyed my time before the supposedly scheduled end of the world LOL. For now, I'm just gonna sit here in the couch to relax and enjoy my winter break :)

Day 534: No connection...

It's been awhile since I last posted something in this blog. I realized I only visit it whenever I am feeling bad. Unfortunately, it's one of those gloomy days again. *sigh* 

So here it goes... I am upset! I am disappointed! I am selfish! I am hurt! There's no one to blame why I am feeling this way again but my self. I have been acting up again. I've been lazy. I haven't had a decent conversation with anyone for the past few days. It feels like I am back to being the cave woman that I used to be. No friends. No dreams. No goals. 

Is there any way to make me feel better? The selfish me can only think of one way... that is to get everyone's attention. I want them to focus on me. I want them to ask me how I am feeling. I want them to talk to me. I want them to listen to what I have to say. I want them to care...

Ugh! It's happening again. I don't want to be like this again. I need to get out of this darkness. I am tired of being sad like this. I do not want to be alone forever...