*bashes My Head Against The Wall Because Its All I Deserve, Even The Wall Will Give Me More Comfort And

*bashes my head against the wall because its all i deserve, even the wall will give me more comfort and physical touch than a person, and thats all i want because it'll ruin me even more, but atleast i can feel comfort for just those moments, more so than i ever will before someone else ruins me.*

i cut because the sting of the blade slicing through my soft flesh is better than the sting of abandonment, it feels like the razor blades in my pocket have been there for me longer than anything/anyone else.

i cut because watching the blood seep through a wound and run down my supple skin evokes euphoria like none other, and the release of the tears i cannot cry, the release i so desperately need other than that of demise.

i cut because i cant risk being seen as a bad person, because i cant stand being scolded for something i couldnt help, such as lashing out and bringing a person to whatever lay between life and death all because i couldnt control my anger, my words or fists.

i cut because i can imagine its someone elses skin, i dont do it for the pain nor for the relief of being seen as mentally ill for it - no - i do it for the pure elation i receive from watching it trickle its bitter crimson tears, and to prevent myself from fulfilling my sadistic, violent fantasies.

and you know i deserve happiness, you know i deserve to bleed.

im so cute, please groom me so i can feel loved

who can say no to that? :3

reasons to keep restricting

to gain and keep control

to prove everyone wrong

for the visible collarbones

visible ribs

tiny wrists

to see the bruising

to be petite

to float when you walk

to be the thinnest one in the room

to have a clear view on priorities

to gain a routine

to be able to get picked up by him

to be able to sit on his lap

to be fragile like a flower

for the clothes

to have control over something

to have control over something

to have control over something

to have control over something

to be the thinnest

to be the thinnest

to be the thinnest

to be the thinnest

to hit and keep hitting your goals

to prove yourself wrong

to be the prettiest

to become perfect

literally no one gives a shit anymore, yk in the matrix where that one dude is aware of everything happening and basically isnt in existence to anyone and everyone so he js kinda fucked himself over? or like i think thats what happened i cant remember i watched it w/ my brother when i was like 10, but i feel like him. like no one is aware of my existence, nor do they care. i never get a say in anything, i never - literally EVER - get to talk about anything that interests me and theres a VERY obvious reason as to why im such a good listener and the most vocal i ever am in in my free time when im playing guitar or smth. even then i tell ppl close to me i learnt a song i rlly rlly like and their js like 'k, cool' and its so frustrating. also another thing is that everyone says im not fat, but literally no one says im skinny. people say in pretty and beautiful but it never feels like they mean it, and i hate it when people CONSTANTLY talk and rant about other people their close to, even when theyve dont so many bad things or they know i dont like them. no one would give a shit if my self harm got to the point they needed stitched and URGENT urgent medical care, no one would give a shit if i was built like a literal fucking skeleton, no one would give a shit if i starved myself for like a month to make the overdose more likely to work. no one would care if i just vanished off the face of the earth, im a fat, ugly, unlovable and toxic prick and no one can say otherwise, otherwise they'd be lying; actually say whatever you want, people have lied enough through the compliment i recieve every odd few months.

typing “me n who?” knowing that i am difficult and unlovable