$h Relapse - Tumblr Posts
i look at myself in the mirror.
i look so dull.
lifeless, almost.
i dont think i want help anymore
im getting better again, theres no need for it
im such a great person
i feel so good about life rn
its like im constantly having an adrenaline rush
everyone loves me
and i love the attention they give me
im healing
i know i am
ill never be sick again
never relapse
never starve
never touch the box of pills again
this isnt a promise, im just getting better and i know it'll never get bad again.
ive realised im just an awesome person
im better than the people i looked up to when i was struggling
and now they realise that
now that ive realised my own superiority
they comply
i dont need to waste away to look pretty
i dont need to cut to feel relief
why was i ever like that
guys sorry im not posting self harm pics for the moment bc i need to lock in for cadets (for rolled up sleeves)
might be able to use my thighs tho, idk im not in the mood to cut
im rlly bored rn i might relapse for the fun of it
i just got the fattest styros ive ever done and holy fuck balls it felt so good
like nghh i couldnt get any high quality pics bc i gotta use my front cam on my phone bc my back camera is broken
but i swear guys it was like js pure bumpy white in the middle and i didnt need to open it even a tiny bit, it opened on its own and it went rlly wide :D
sorry i seem like a pussy, its js the best cuts ive ever done 😭
block dont report
also i learnt a rlly neat multiswiping method like 85% less painful!
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if theres background noise in the vid its bc i was watching a documentary typa thing
guys i wanna make a disc server (minors/under 18s) abt mental health and stuff
pls reply to the post if its a good idea or u r interested
i will DM or post the link to anyone joining
(for the record im 14 in march)
so close to cutting with freshly sharpened knives, atleast then i'll get more than baby styros and it'll be beautiful, the blood dripping down my sliced open body with a cute lil kitchen knife next to me, anyways i need something so sharp it could get me to normal styro in one swipe
if u couldnt tell i may or may not have relapsed
MY BFS GETTING ME A BOXCUTTER!!!!! prolly gonna leave his rapist pedophile ass after but the manipulation and gaslighting is fun :3
do u guys care what i post? like does anyone care about how badly i want someone balls deep in my soaked pussy or that im not afraid to take a fresh boxcutter to a normal styro, or the fact that i relate myself to every disorder on the planet bc i know ppl with some of the disorders so i mimic some of the symptoms subconsciously?
also gray (if u see this - or literally anyone - also hypothetical situation calm down) if i hit beans what do i do? u cant call an ambulance or police btw bc thats js not nice
holy shit im literally hanging on by a thread, im so close to killing myself its unbarable. literally everything i want to do is either self-destruction (like SH, drinking, starving, etc) or to do with sex (imagining shit or literally doing shit to myself multiple times a day only to feel disgusted after), its awful i dont know why im like this, and its even worse to know it'll never change. wait till i move out, im going to be entirely fucked. one of my best friends will be 18+ by the time im 16 and i move out, so they can supply me with materials such as alcohol and blades and stuff, and i'll be as open about it as i want because i'll be living on my own (until my bsf moves in with me sooner or later). but literally all i want is to either live the life i live in my head, or to vanish off the face of the earth and never be thought of again. also im so convinced i will never find love, at the moment i have 2 ppl in mind but im rlly attached to one of my friends at the moment (hes not on the list) but i just constantly think hes tired of me bc we only talk in skl. literally i js need someone whos similar to me, who understands me and dosent just love me for my body and appreciates my existence, whos patient and is willing to wait for me to recover enough to love again everytime i fall out of love with you. it'll happen alot, im sorry but i cant help it, i still love you i promise but i'll come around soon; just please dont leave, and please just remind me you love me whenever i need to know.
I GOT 2 FRESH BLADES AHAHAHFJSHFKLSNF,SNJKFJDKSHFAGAGSADAGGSKAHDJFDS
literally no one gives a shit anymore, yk in the matrix where that one dude is aware of everything happening and basically isnt in existence to anyone and everyone so he js kinda fucked himself over? or like i think thats what happened i cant remember i watched it w/ my brother when i was like 10, but i feel like him. like no one is aware of my existence, nor do they care. i never get a say in anything, i never - literally EVER - get to talk about anything that interests me and theres a VERY obvious reason as to why im such a good listener and the most vocal i ever am in in my free time when im playing guitar or smth. even then i tell ppl close to me i learnt a song i rlly rlly like and their js like 'k, cool' and its so frustrating. also another thing is that everyone says im not fat, but literally no one says im skinny. people say in pretty and beautiful but it never feels like they mean it, and i hate it when people CONSTANTLY talk and rant about other people their close to, even when theyve dont so many bad things or they know i dont like them. no one would give a shit if my self harm got to the point they needed stitched and URGENT urgent medical care, no one would give a shit if i was built like a literal fucking skeleton, no one would give a shit if i starved myself for like a month to make the overdose more likely to work. no one would care if i just vanished off the face of the earth, im a fat, ugly, unlovable and toxic prick and no one can say otherwise, otherwise they'd be lying; actually say whatever you want, people have lied enough through the compliment i recieve every odd few months.
im so cute, please groom me so i can feel loved
who can say no to that? :3
*bashes my head against the wall because its all i deserve, even the wall will give me more comfort and physical touch than a person, and thats all i want because it'll ruin me even more, but atleast i can feel comfort for just those moments, more so than i ever will before someone else ruins me.*
sh/tw
can someone get me a knew blade? i used to use this one all the time and went back to it bc my others were sharper, and now their all dull so i have to use this for the time being
i cut because the sting of the blade slicing through my soft flesh is better than the sting of abandonment, it feels like the razor blades in my pocket have been there for me longer than anything/anyone else.
i cut because watching the blood seep through a wound and run down my supple skin evokes euphoria like none other, and the release of the tears i cannot cry, the release i so desperately need other than that of demise.
i cut because i cant risk being seen as a bad person, because i cant stand being scolded for something i couldnt help, such as lashing out and bringing a person to whatever lay between life and death all because i couldnt control my anger, my words or fists.
i cut because i can imagine its someone elses skin, i dont do it for the pain nor for the relief of being seen as mentally ill for it - no - i do it for the pure elation i receive from watching it trickle its bitter crimson tears, and to prevent myself from fulfilling my sadistic, violent fantasies.
and you know i deserve happiness, you know i deserve to bleed.
ooooooh poor me
sh/tw
fresh ones plus a healing one from yesterday that i did on my stomach (below this text)
CLICKED OFF THIS TAB FOR 5 MINUTES AND CAME BACK TO 81 NOTIFICATIONS? DAYUMN YALL BOUNCIN ON MY D