I Mean U Can Say Looks Dont Matter All You Want But As A Certified Ugly Person I Can Pretty Much Safely

i mean u can say looks don’t matter all you want but as a certified Ugly Person i can pretty much safely say that the way i look has impacted literally every part of my life and dictated my whole existence 

I didn’t have a happy childhood.

I was always alone, sitting at the back corner of the class. My teacher, despite knowing I can’t see the board, put me there. When I asked to be moved, he denied my request, saying that I should just wear glasses. And i did. Little did he know, all my previous teachers gave me the exact same attitude, they were the reason my eyesight was ruined. I struggled to keep up with my studies.

Unlucky me, I was seated next to the meanest kid at school, also surrounded by his friends. They pulled my hair, took my glasses, hide my stuff, locked me in the storage room, ruined my notes, hit me with a ball, splashed water at me, stabbed me with a pen, and make fun of me. They made the whole school joined them make fun of me. They all think that’s funny. I became the target of bullying in my school. There was one time, somebody tripped me. I fell. In front of kids my age, older, and younger. My skirt sprayed open, thank god I always wear shorts underneath. I ran to the nurse office and stayed there until schools over.

After that day, the bullying was getting worse each second. I just can’t take it anymore. So when they started pulling my hair and spatting insults at me in the middle of class, my eyes got blurry from tears threatening to fall. I told them to stop or I’ll go tell the teacher. They didn’t. Of course. So I gathered all my courage and went to my teacher’s table. I couldn’t think straight at that time, all I think was how to end this all, I can’t take this anymore. It was all or nothing. But what my teacher did broke me completely. He snapped at me. He yelled at me for disturbing class. He said that they just wanted to be friends with me, that’s their way of getting to know me. According to him, it was my own fault, that I should take care of myself. His eyes were cold, he stared at me like I’m something disgusting. The tears that was in my eyes suddenly disappeared. He then told me to sit back or I could just get out of his class forever.

I got back to my seat and stayed silent. I didn’t even think about their laughter about my actions earlier. I was stunned. He didn’t care at all, did he. I was approximately 11, for fucks sake. How the hell am I supposed to understand that it was just teasing. All I understand was I was being bullied and harassed. His words really left a mark on me. I realized something really important. If your life feels like crap, it’s because of you yourself. If you feel like shit, then it’s all your fucking fault. It’s because you’re useless. You don’t have the right to be called human being. Nobody cares about what other people think, now how they feel.

My shitty life didn’t end there. Whenever I made mistakes, my dad would hit me, and said hurtful things about me, then he would blame himself for me being like that. He was never at home, yet he still blame himself because of me. Hearing all that, I felt bad. I pitied him for having a child like me. I hated myself even more I didn’t think it was possible, but it did. Nobody hates me more than myself now. My scars I got from my dad was a reminder how I bring misfortune to his life. And my mother would always had that eyes, staring at me. That was the worse. Her eyes that would screamed all of her disappointment at me, sees all of my faults and imperfection. She never said anything. But her eyes explained it all. But that’s okay, I know both of them love me so much, even though I know I will never make them proud of me. Who the hell would be proud of a daughter who hated herself.

My one and only source of happiness, is my siblings. We were always together. We understood each other. I never told them about my problems because they were too pure for this kind of world, my kind of world. They may not realize it but they were my saviors. I didn’t cut because I don’t want them to see. I stopped myself from suicide because I don’t want them to see how cruel the world is. They are my sun, my light. They’re always there for me, I fight with them until I forgot about my problems, I joked with them until I forgot about school, I argued with them until I forgot about my shitty life. I love them so much I couldn’t love myself anymore.

So if you’re reading this, I just want you to know that even when you feel like life is not meant for you, remember that God always sent us angels to help us get through all the hardships in life. Please stay strong and stay alive. You’re beautiful and there’s somebody out there looking out for you. Smile :)

Maybe it's better for me to be alone That way nobody have to see how much of a disappointment I've become

A tiny journal-ish gif-comic from a few tweets I made last night!  I believed this kind of stuff until I was 14 or so, which is pretty old in retrospect…

There used to be more but I accidentally saved over it :/

紫陽花/東京

Dear lil bro and sis

I know you probably, no, definitely find this gross. But deal with it, you shitheads.

My world, my sunshine, my one and only source of happiness. You two are the one I care, love, and hate the most.

I don’t want to see you sad. I would rather kill myself than see you two sad. I will gladly throw away anything to protect you.

I may not be a good older sister to you. You must have hate me. I always hit you, and you would hit me back. Asked you to do stuff, and we argued about the simplest things, saying rude things to each others. And many many other bad things I did to you and you did to me. I made you cry multiple times. This is stupid. But that’s what made us close. By hating each others guts. Maybe that’s just how we showed our affection? I don’t know.

Multiple times in the past, I pushed you away and shut the whole world out. Yet, you’re still there for me. You reached out for me. Even if you didn’t realize it yourself. But you did. I can be my real self when I’m with you. You two are the only people I trust so much that I could show you the real me. Not my depressed self though. You two are the one who know me the best. And you accept me for being me.

You two are my savior, you know? Do you know why I didn’t start cutting or self harm even though I really wanted to? It’s because I don’t want you to see the scars, you were still so small that time, I just couldn’t let you see how hard it is to live. Do you know why I never tried killing myself until now? I didn’t want to cause you trouble and I don’t want you to see how cruel the world is. You were too pure and I can’t taint you. Well no actually, you’re already gross since young so I can’t let you get any worse than that.

I hate how much I love you. More than myself. More than anything in the world. Even more than you love yourselves. You two are the proof that god still care for me. For me who find no meaning in life. You are my shitty, annoying, gutsy fucking angels.

I’ve forgotten how many prayers I sent to god everyday for your well being. Every night, after you both went to sleep, I would always cover you with warmer blanket and correct your pillows. I still remember how I couldn’t help but peck your cheeks and ruffle your hair. I remember how every night when I couldn’t sleep I would stare at your peaceful sleeping forms. I feel like a creep. I swear to god, this is so disgusting I wanted to die. But it calms me. I really miss those times.

Do you still remember what happened on my 17th birthday? Mom and Dad were gone like always, I don’t remember whether it was work or something else tho (not like I hated them for it, hey, they work to pay our expenses, I completely understand, I hold no grudge against them, like, they’re my parents, of course I love them), and every single member of our family and close relatives were away at that time (again, I don’t hate them for it, I love all of my family). The three of us were left at home. To be honest, I didn’t really cared about my birthday, like the year before everyone forgot about it, so being alone that day wasn’t much of a problem. Sure everyone called but it’s enough proof that I still matter to them, so that’s enough. I honestly couldn’t care less about the matter. But then you forced me to go out to play with you two and our next door relatives. It was nothing really special. We played games, everyone threw baby powder at me, and ate some fried tofu. It wasn’t anything special. But seeing how you tried hard so that I won’t feel lonely on my birthday, as much as I tried to deny it, I know I have the best siblings in the world. And I won’t ever trade you for anything and everything in the world. I miss you. So much it hurts.

And if you two are reading this, it’s either because I’m already dead or I’ve become so stupid to ever let you accidentally see this blog. But if you ever read this, know that this is how I truly feel. And it will never change. Even if you hate me, I will always love you two. No matter how I always act towards you, I don’t hate you two as much as I said I did. I can’t show you any proof of that. But I truly care for you two.

Believe in yourselves. Like how I believe in you two. Don’t listen to the mean things people say to you. Don’t believe the mean things people say about you. Don’t let others hurt you physically and mentally. Don’t let other people’s words ruined you. Because only I am allowed to do that to you.

If you ever feel sad, remember that in the past I’ve made you cry for things worse than now. If you ever feel angry, remember that we’ve learned how to let our anger out together in many ways, mostly the hard way tho. If you ever feel any form of self hate, remember that it’s my job to hate you, so you don’t need to do it yourselves because I’ve already done that with all my heart. If you ever feel hopeless, remember that you two were the one who showed me hope. If you ever feel lonely, remember that you can always come to me and we’ll argue until you forget your loneliness. If you ever feel like you’re a disappointment, remember that whatever you do, whatever you have become, I couldn’t be more proud of you, I mean, if one of you become the king of the world, then I’ll be the person who made the king bow down to me. If you ever want to disappear or die, remember that if you two’re gone, I wouldn’t have anymore reason to exist. If you two ever feel unwanted, remember that you two means the world to me, nothing else matters. If you ever feel life is hard, lay down for a bit, close your eyes and remember that I believe in you, you will make it until the end, you’re strong, stronger than you ever thought, you’ve even beated me in some of our fights. If you ever feel bad about your looks, remember that you two are the most disgusting, hideous, but perfect creature god sent me, and beat the shit out of everyone who says that, we look alike man, if you’re ugly then I’m ugly. And if you ever feel like nobody cares, remember that wherever I am and whatever I’ve become (be it ghost or corpse or maybe successful person), I still care for you, there’s not a single second where I didn’t think of you (okay, that’s not always true, but you get the point), I care for you two.

Don’t ever be like me. I couldn’t make our parents proud. I couldn’t make you two happy. I couldn’t do anything right. But you two can. Make our parents proud. I believe you can. I know you will. You two are better than me. Better than anyone I’ve ever known.

Thank you. For always being there for me. For bringing happiness, and most of all, shits into my life. For teaching me that affection could be shown in many ways, mostly punches tho. For being my only reason to exist. Even if you didn’t realize it, you saved my world. So please be happy. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m grateful for having siblings like you two. Thank you for being born. I love you.