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Nightmares and Lies
((WARNING: SYMPATHETIC DECEIT AHEAD! If that triggers you, I suggest you don't read!))
Deceit had been in Roman's Fantasy Realm before. Sometimes it was to create mischief and to mess with the sides while true were on quests, to be the perfect bad guy, but other times it was just to... relax. And be alone.
He was used to being alone. As someone who was different from the the other Dark Sides but definitely wasn't welcomed by the Light Sides - well, unwelcome by most, Patton was always the exception - he had grown used to being alone a long, long time ago.
He was at his favorite spot. It was a bridge that went over a bubbling creek. It sounded nice and every now and then, some cute critters would scamper by. The fearless ones would look past his scales and enjoy his pets before running off. He liked it here, because it was peaceful, calm. It was also near a bend. If he heard someone coming, he could sink out before they even saw him. The trick had worked several, several times.
But, Deceit either didn't hear them or he was too wrapped up in his own thoughts this night. He was sitting crosslegged on one of the pillars of he bridge, staring out into the dark night and bubbling water, when he heard that godawful voice.
"Hey there, pumpkin pie!"
Deceit nearly jumped out of his skin; but he tried to act as calm as he could while sighing and turning towards the voice. While the sides were technically the same person they all had their own tones of voices, and Deceit most definitely knew that tone.
"Remy," he said, not even trying to hide the distaste in his voice.
Remy, or Sleep, smirked at him widely. He was sipping from a Starbucks dream that was theee fourths of the way full and he looked very pleased about something. His sunglasses were on his face, as they always were, along with his skinny jeans, white shirt( and leather jacket. His dress was iconic and annoying all at the same time.
"Nice to see you too, Sunshine! What're you doing down here?" He asked, biting the straw of his drink afterwards. Deceit sighed.
"That's definitely your business." He said. "If you could not leave me alone, that would not be delightful-"
"Oh, cut the lying, Snake-Eyes." Remy smirked. "It's gotta be annoying." Deceit bristled and growled, glaring forward. He decided to not spur Remy on with a response, but he should've known that that wouldn't have stopped the sassiest side of them all. "So, what's got you awake?"
"Shouldn't you be able to tell?" Remy shrugged and took a loud sip through his straw.
"I prefer it when people just tell me. Otherwises, I have to dive into your subconscious, and pick around your brain-" He waved his hand while rolling his eyes. "It's just not worth it, darling."
Deceit scoffed but didn't respond right away. He could feel Remy staring at him, waiting rather patiently. The snake-hybrid had known the side long enough to know that he didn't give up easily, and if he wanted an answer, he often got it. So he sighed and shifted, suddenly feeling uneasy.
"My bed's too lonely." He finally admitted, and he almost immediately cursed himself for it. What the hell was he thinking? Remy was either gonna laugh at him, or just not even believe him. Even when he was telling the truth, no one believed him-
"Well, why's that?"
Deceit blinked, before he looked at the other side. Remy was leaning against the bridge now, staring up at him as he waited patiently. Deceit stared at him."
"You must be kidding me." He finally growled. Remy snickered at the annoyance dripping from the deceitful side's tone.
"I'm not. Why is it lonely?"
"If you use some common sense-"
"Oh, c'mon. Work with me here."
Deceit stared at him, before he sighed.
"It's lonely, because... Because no one's there for me. No one's there right now, and no one's gonna be there when I wake up. No one's at my room, waiting for me, worrying about me." He growled and looked away. "It's- It's so stupid. "
"No it's not."
"Yes, it is. I shouldn't feel that way. I have no reason to."
"And why is that?"
"What?"
"Why don't you have a reason to feel that way?"
"..."
"Come on, don't clamp up on me now!" Remy teased, but it was flat. Neither were in a playful mood now.
"Because I'm not good!" Deceit suddenly snapped. "I'm not like the others, who bring something good to Thomas's life! I'm not like Patton, whose happy, and fluffy, and keeps Thomas so happy! And I'm not Logan who strives for the pursuit of knowledge and promotes selfcare! I'm not Roman, who comes up with some wonderful and creative ideas, who help the tours get ready- and I'm not even like Virgil, who keeps Thomas from running out into goddamn traffic and stops him from embarrassing himself! I'm-!" His voice choked and he gritted his teeth, fangs gleaming as he bared them.
"I'm... not... wanted."
Silence fell over them as Deceit bowed his head, taking a shaky breath. His heart was pounding from his outburst. It was the longest he'd ever been honest. He covered his mouth with his hand and took a deep breath through his nose.
"You might not be wanted, but you're needed."
Deceit stiffened.
"How many times have you saved Thomas?"
"Saved? What the hell are you-""
"The airport. When that guy shoved Thomas and his cart over in the elevator. Roman was ready to punch his lights out and Virgil was panicking. What did you do?"
"..."
"You told Thomas to say it was okay. It might not have been the most satisfying choice, but it was the safest choice. Thomas wouldn't have won a fight with that guy. You protected him."
"That-"
"And good lord, how many Thanksgiving's did you help him through? With judgemental relatives asking him when he was going to get a girlfriend?" Remy rolled his eyes. "You have the patience sent from a god, tart."
Deceit snorted, more at the nickname then the compliment.
"Dakota." The side stiffened at his real name and he swallowed before he looked at Remy. Remy stared back, his Starbucks placed beside the pillar Deceit sat on. "You don't need validation from the others. Sure, it's nice, and I'm certain that they're gonna come around one day- but, you don't need it. Thomas would be a wreck without you. He would have gotten into fights, into so many dangerous situations, lord only knows if he would've ever survived Thanksgiving." The usually sassy side smirked, but it was sad, almost bitter. He reached up and pulled off his sunglasses, revealing his eyes to Deceit for the very first time.
He had heavy bags underneath them, and they were bloodshot from his lack of sleep. Deceit understood why. While he saw every lie, Remy saw everyone's nightmares. He walked through every bad dream Thomas had, while Roman was lucky enough to only face the good and wacky ones. There was a valid reason behind all of the Starbucks, the late nights, and his snarky attitude. It was simply how he coped. It was how he kept the others from worrying.
They didn't know about Deceit's ability to see every lie, so he wouldn't be surprised if they didn't know a thing about the hell Remy faced every single night.
"You don't get anything out of misery, Dakota." Remy's voice was soft.
"Take it from me."
The unlikely friends parted without much more words. They probably wouldn't see each other again unless they caught each other the bridge, which was unlikely but not nearly as unlikely as them seeing each other in the common room.
They didn't go home together, or confide in their own troubles some more- sides like them weren't made for happy endings.
But Deceit swore that he heard a familiar voice humming as he drifted off to sleep that night, and that was enough for him.
I’m at a bit of a loss for what to do.
For Canadian income tax preparation you are issued a document from each of your employers called a T4. This document summarizes your income from that employer for the year, plus other things like your employer and government pension contributions, gov’t benefit deductions, income tax paid to date, etc.
One of my (past) employers last year, despite multiple emails, failed to change my home address. So, guess where the damn thing went.
Good news: I don’t need this thing - employers not only have to send it to their employees, they have to send a copy to Canada Revenue which makes all your tax documents available to you online.
Bad news: This document has lots of juicy personal information that identity thefts just love like my social insurance number (My gov’t issued ID number) and full name. Safe to say in someone’s vindictive hands, this document can cause me some serious headaches down the road.
I’m sure he feels he has me by the proverbial balls, here. What a perfect way to force me to speak to him. Here are my options so far as I can see:
1. Not respond: Run the risk of him posing my info on the likes of reddit or 4chan.
2. Respond by email: Ask him to shred it. Run the risk of him not doing so and posting my info on the likes of reddit or 4chan anyway. Also spark correspondence back and forth that could could and likely would turn ugly.
3. Respond by email: Ask him to return to sender which would allow me to confirm with my previous employer that the document was returned unopened. Run the risk of him not doing so and posting my info on the likes of reddit or 4chan anyway. Also spark correspondence back and forth that could and likely would turn ugly.
4. Respond by email: Force a family member to speak to him and pick up the document. Oh man, I can just see the walls of text I’d receive after that “humiliation”...
5. Respond by email: Set up a time to pick up said document from him myself. Possible scene. Possible assault. Possible murder. Likely traumatizing. Certainly my least favourite option, but the only way I can ensure I get it back.
Any words of wisdom? Thoughts?
P.S. He’s not blocked, it’s just just been almost two months since I’ve responded.
Dear lil bro and sis
I know you probably, no, definitely find this gross. But deal with it, you shitheads.
My world, my sunshine, my one and only source of happiness. You two are the one I care, love, and hate the most.
I don’t want to see you sad. I would rather kill myself than see you two sad. I will gladly throw away anything to protect you.
I may not be a good older sister to you. You must have hate me. I always hit you, and you would hit me back. Asked you to do stuff, and we argued about the simplest things, saying rude things to each others. And many many other bad things I did to you and you did to me. I made you cry multiple times. This is stupid. But that’s what made us close. By hating each others guts. Maybe that’s just how we showed our affection? I don’t know.
Multiple times in the past, I pushed you away and shut the whole world out. Yet, you’re still there for me. You reached out for me. Even if you didn’t realize it yourself. But you did. I can be my real self when I’m with you. You two are the only people I trust so much that I could show you the real me. Not my depressed self though. You two are the one who know me the best. And you accept me for being me.
You two are my savior, you know? Do you know why I didn’t start cutting or self harm even though I really wanted to? It’s because I don’t want you to see the scars, you were still so small that time, I just couldn’t let you see how hard it is to live. Do you know why I never tried killing myself until now? I didn’t want to cause you trouble and I don’t want you to see how cruel the world is. You were too pure and I can’t taint you. Well no actually, you’re already gross since young so I can’t let you get any worse than that.
I hate how much I love you. More than myself. More than anything in the world. Even more than you love yourselves. You two are the proof that god still care for me. For me who find no meaning in life. You are my shitty, annoying, gutsy fucking angels.
I’ve forgotten how many prayers I sent to god everyday for your well being. Every night, after you both went to sleep, I would always cover you with warmer blanket and correct your pillows. I still remember how I couldn’t help but peck your cheeks and ruffle your hair. I remember how every night when I couldn’t sleep I would stare at your peaceful sleeping forms. I feel like a creep. I swear to god, this is so disgusting I wanted to die. But it calms me. I really miss those times.
Do you still remember what happened on my 17th birthday? Mom and Dad were gone like always, I don’t remember whether it was work or something else tho (not like I hated them for it, hey, they work to pay our expenses, I completely understand, I hold no grudge against them, like, they’re my parents, of course I love them), and every single member of our family and close relatives were away at that time (again, I don’t hate them for it, I love all of my family). The three of us were left at home. To be honest, I didn’t really cared about my birthday, like the year before everyone forgot about it, so being alone that day wasn’t much of a problem. Sure everyone called but it’s enough proof that I still matter to them, so that’s enough. I honestly couldn’t care less about the matter. But then you forced me to go out to play with you two and our next door relatives. It was nothing really special. We played games, everyone threw baby powder at me, and ate some fried tofu. It wasn’t anything special. But seeing how you tried hard so that I won’t feel lonely on my birthday, as much as I tried to deny it, I know I have the best siblings in the world. And I won’t ever trade you for anything and everything in the world. I miss you. So much it hurts.
And if you two are reading this, it’s either because I’m already dead or I’ve become so stupid to ever let you accidentally see this blog. But if you ever read this, know that this is how I truly feel. And it will never change. Even if you hate me, I will always love you two. No matter how I always act towards you, I don’t hate you two as much as I said I did. I can’t show you any proof of that. But I truly care for you two.
Believe in yourselves. Like how I believe in you two. Don’t listen to the mean things people say to you. Don’t believe the mean things people say about you. Don’t let others hurt you physically and mentally. Don’t let other people’s words ruined you. Because only I am allowed to do that to you.
If you ever feel sad, remember that in the past I’ve made you cry for things worse than now. If you ever feel angry, remember that we’ve learned how to let our anger out together in many ways, mostly the hard way tho. If you ever feel any form of self hate, remember that it’s my job to hate you, so you don’t need to do it yourselves because I’ve already done that with all my heart. If you ever feel hopeless, remember that you two were the one who showed me hope. If you ever feel lonely, remember that you can always come to me and we’ll argue until you forget your loneliness. If you ever feel like you’re a disappointment, remember that whatever you do, whatever you have become, I couldn’t be more proud of you, I mean, if one of you become the king of the world, then I’ll be the person who made the king bow down to me. If you ever want to disappear or die, remember that if you two’re gone, I wouldn’t have anymore reason to exist. If you two ever feel unwanted, remember that you two means the world to me, nothing else matters. If you ever feel life is hard, lay down for a bit, close your eyes and remember that I believe in you, you will make it until the end, you’re strong, stronger than you ever thought, you’ve even beated me in some of our fights. If you ever feel bad about your looks, remember that you two are the most disgusting, hideous, but perfect creature god sent me, and beat the shit out of everyone who says that, we look alike man, if you’re ugly then I’m ugly. And if you ever feel like nobody cares, remember that wherever I am and whatever I’ve become (be it ghost or corpse or maybe successful person), I still care for you, there’s not a single second where I didn’t think of you (okay, that’s not always true, but you get the point), I care for you two.
Don’t ever be like me. I couldn’t make our parents proud. I couldn’t make you two happy. I couldn’t do anything right. But you two can. Make our parents proud. I believe you can. I know you will. You two are better than me. Better than anyone I’ve ever known.
Thank you. For always being there for me. For bringing happiness, and most of all, shits into my life. For teaching me that affection could be shown in many ways, mostly punches tho. For being my only reason to exist. Even if you didn’t realize it, you saved my world. So please be happy. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m grateful for having siblings like you two. Thank you for being born. I love you.
Someone: I hate you
Me: No one hates me more than myself
My friend just asked me why I’m not afraid to risked my life because I earlier I just ran across the road to get some old lady’s vase that was about to be hit by a car (which I learned later that it’s her late husband’s treasure).
So how do I explain that I’m ready to die at any time? How do I explain that I already write a letter for my friends and family? How do I explain that I’m just too afraid to end my life myself?
My dream
Teacher: What do you want to be in the future?
Friend: A doctor
Friend: An astronaut
Friend: To end world hunger
Me: Dead
Teacher: ....
Everyone: ....
Me: ...preferably anytime soon
I love being alone because then nobody can make me feel unwanted.
As always....im looked down upon for no reason⚓
