Unloved - Tumblr Posts
And my heart was made out of paper and all you did was stand in front of me playing with matches in your hands and a smirk in your face
Timed Thoughts. 1:24am
Dear lil bro and sis
I know you probably, no, definitely find this gross. But deal with it, you shitheads.
My world, my sunshine, my one and only source of happiness. You two are the one I care, love, and hate the most.
I don’t want to see you sad. I would rather kill myself than see you two sad. I will gladly throw away anything to protect you.
I may not be a good older sister to you. You must have hate me. I always hit you, and you would hit me back. Asked you to do stuff, and we argued about the simplest things, saying rude things to each others. And many many other bad things I did to you and you did to me. I made you cry multiple times. This is stupid. But that’s what made us close. By hating each others guts. Maybe that’s just how we showed our affection? I don’t know.
Multiple times in the past, I pushed you away and shut the whole world out. Yet, you’re still there for me. You reached out for me. Even if you didn’t realize it yourself. But you did. I can be my real self when I’m with you. You two are the only people I trust so much that I could show you the real me. Not my depressed self though. You two are the one who know me the best. And you accept me for being me.
You two are my savior, you know? Do you know why I didn’t start cutting or self harm even though I really wanted to? It’s because I don’t want you to see the scars, you were still so small that time, I just couldn’t let you see how hard it is to live. Do you know why I never tried killing myself until now? I didn’t want to cause you trouble and I don’t want you to see how cruel the world is. You were too pure and I can’t taint you. Well no actually, you’re already gross since young so I can’t let you get any worse than that.
I hate how much I love you. More than myself. More than anything in the world. Even more than you love yourselves. You two are the proof that god still care for me. For me who find no meaning in life. You are my shitty, annoying, gutsy fucking angels.
I’ve forgotten how many prayers I sent to god everyday for your well being. Every night, after you both went to sleep, I would always cover you with warmer blanket and correct your pillows. I still remember how I couldn’t help but peck your cheeks and ruffle your hair. I remember how every night when I couldn’t sleep I would stare at your peaceful sleeping forms. I feel like a creep. I swear to god, this is so disgusting I wanted to die. But it calms me. I really miss those times.
Do you still remember what happened on my 17th birthday? Mom and Dad were gone like always, I don’t remember whether it was work or something else tho (not like I hated them for it, hey, they work to pay our expenses, I completely understand, I hold no grudge against them, like, they’re my parents, of course I love them), and every single member of our family and close relatives were away at that time (again, I don’t hate them for it, I love all of my family). The three of us were left at home. To be honest, I didn’t really cared about my birthday, like the year before everyone forgot about it, so being alone that day wasn’t much of a problem. Sure everyone called but it’s enough proof that I still matter to them, so that’s enough. I honestly couldn’t care less about the matter. But then you forced me to go out to play with you two and our next door relatives. It was nothing really special. We played games, everyone threw baby powder at me, and ate some fried tofu. It wasn’t anything special. But seeing how you tried hard so that I won’t feel lonely on my birthday, as much as I tried to deny it, I know I have the best siblings in the world. And I won’t ever trade you for anything and everything in the world. I miss you. So much it hurts.
And if you two are reading this, it’s either because I’m already dead or I’ve become so stupid to ever let you accidentally see this blog. But if you ever read this, know that this is how I truly feel. And it will never change. Even if you hate me, I will always love you two. No matter how I always act towards you, I don’t hate you two as much as I said I did. I can’t show you any proof of that. But I truly care for you two.
Believe in yourselves. Like how I believe in you two. Don’t listen to the mean things people say to you. Don’t believe the mean things people say about you. Don’t let others hurt you physically and mentally. Don’t let other people’s words ruined you. Because only I am allowed to do that to you.
If you ever feel sad, remember that in the past I’ve made you cry for things worse than now. If you ever feel angry, remember that we’ve learned how to let our anger out together in many ways, mostly the hard way tho. If you ever feel any form of self hate, remember that it’s my job to hate you, so you don’t need to do it yourselves because I’ve already done that with all my heart. If you ever feel hopeless, remember that you two were the one who showed me hope. If you ever feel lonely, remember that you can always come to me and we’ll argue until you forget your loneliness. If you ever feel like you’re a disappointment, remember that whatever you do, whatever you have become, I couldn’t be more proud of you, I mean, if one of you become the king of the world, then I’ll be the person who made the king bow down to me. If you ever want to disappear or die, remember that if you two’re gone, I wouldn’t have anymore reason to exist. If you two ever feel unwanted, remember that you two means the world to me, nothing else matters. If you ever feel life is hard, lay down for a bit, close your eyes and remember that I believe in you, you will make it until the end, you’re strong, stronger than you ever thought, you’ve even beated me in some of our fights. If you ever feel bad about your looks, remember that you two are the most disgusting, hideous, but perfect creature god sent me, and beat the shit out of everyone who says that, we look alike man, if you’re ugly then I’m ugly. And if you ever feel like nobody cares, remember that wherever I am and whatever I’ve become (be it ghost or corpse or maybe successful person), I still care for you, there’s not a single second where I didn’t think of you (okay, that’s not always true, but you get the point), I care for you two.
Don’t ever be like me. I couldn’t make our parents proud. I couldn’t make you two happy. I couldn’t do anything right. But you two can. Make our parents proud. I believe you can. I know you will. You two are better than me. Better than anyone I’ve ever known.
Thank you. For always being there for me. For bringing happiness, and most of all, shits into my life. For teaching me that affection could be shown in many ways, mostly punches tho. For being my only reason to exist. Even if you didn’t realize it, you saved my world. So please be happy. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m grateful for having siblings like you two. Thank you for being born. I love you.
Someone: I hate you
Me: No one hates me more than myself
My friend just asked me why I’m not afraid to risked my life because I earlier I just ran across the road to get some old lady’s vase that was about to be hit by a car (which I learned later that it’s her late husband’s treasure).
So how do I explain that I’m ready to die at any time? How do I explain that I already write a letter for my friends and family? How do I explain that I’m just too afraid to end my life myself?
My dream
Teacher: What do you want to be in the future?
Friend: A doctor
Friend: An astronaut
Friend: To end world hunger
Me: Dead
Teacher: ....
Everyone: ....
Me: ...preferably anytime soon
Unloved - When a Woman is Around (2016)
When a woman is around (2016) — Unloved
As always....im looked down upon for no reason⚓
PEOPLE PLEASING WILL BE YOUR GRAVEST MISTAKE
Never worth it
Concept: you are waking up in the king sized bed, looking through the windows, it's sunny outside, you open them and the fresh air comes in, you go to the kitchen, breakfast is waiting for you on the big round white table and also the love of your life, kissing you on the forehead, saying 'hi, beautiful'.
Concept: at night, you are tightly pressed to your loved one in the same king sized bed, he is whispering on your ear 'i love you so much' as you slowly fall asleep
Concept: you are loved, forgiven for all of your mistakes, cherished for being you, feeling attracting and confident, peaceful and relaxed. You are happy.
Me
And when we meet Which I’m sure we will All that was then Will be there still I’ll let it pass And hold my tongue And you will think That I’ve moved on….
I will go down with this ship And I won’t put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I’m in love and always will be……………
What is life?
In life we face struggles, we face hardships and get rewarded for those with happiness, love and acceptance. Now strip away love and acceptance and what you are left with is temporary happiness. My life lately have involved dealing with sitting on the sidelines of my own life, watching others have love, have the acceptance that I want for myself. I've been the "relationship doctor" fir my friends with their relationships while I have none. My "friends" only see me when they need something from me, but when I need them, they disappear like everyone else in my life. It has left me afraid of being loved and let my defences down as everybody leaves me when I need them the most. Nobody sees the pain, my suffering, my cries for help because I hide it from everyone... I don't want to be a burden for anyone because as soon as I need something, they leave... I have on several occasions wanted to take my own life, but I haven't been able to do it.. as I know I will be alone, nobody would mourn me,nobody would care... Breaking down in tears like I am currently, it feels like I am weak, that I am nothing, I am not worth it... I am destined to walk alone,I am destined to be alone. This makes me feel like I have failed in life and moving away have thought me about one thing: life is worth living when you live for yourself. The scars I bear shows what I have been fighting. I am a fighter, a jaguar but I am also so alone. In the end life is a lonely existence and I just want to be loved
Tears came
Rolling down my face today. Walking around Dublin City seeing all happy couples, holding hands, embracing, kissing... Just reminded me how lonely my existence is and how I want something real and not standing in the middle of the night at the bus stop crying because you never have been loved by anyone
Everyday is a bad day to live. Everyday is just a way of edging closer towards death. I give up. I am toxic. I am dysfunctional. I am unloved. I am unlovable. It's just a series of one bad day after the next. May be it's ok. Its ok.