Life Tip #42

Life Tip #42

a comprehensive list of people that everybody should fear!

people who bite into popsicles immediately after they take them out of the freezer 

people who eat soft grapes without hesitation 

people who drink orange juice immediately after brushing their teeth

anyone who willingly wakes up at five in the morning in A GOOD MOOD

people who reach straight into an oven without an oven mitt and don’t even flinch when the tray makes contact with their bARE ASS SKIN

anyone who can put their hair up in a perfect ponytail in 20 seconds or less without using a mirror bc they are witches. all of them.

literally anybody who wears a strapless bra bc those are brave ppl who are not afraid to fuck !! you !! up !!

anybody who can draw a straight line without a ruler

anybody who can draw perfect circles with one go bc they are the evolved version of the straight line and probably have an iq of 500 and a burning desire to destroy the world

people who have more than five phone numbers memorized in this day and age, like honestly i don’t even remember if i ate breakfast today what the fuckkkk

people who let you scroll through their camera roll without standing over your shoulder and panicking, they have either nothing to hide or nothing to fear and idk which one’s worse

anybody with the courage to read 50 shades of grey in public, level of apathy is 1000000

people who jump immediately into a pool without dipping their toes in first

arrogant first chair violinists who do the “tch tch” thing all the time and are probably plotting the entire orchestra’s demise

anybody who has ever worked in retail and survived bc they have already been in the seventh level of hell and told it “thank you for shopping with us today!”

people who wing recipes, like are you sure you’re not a horcrux of gordon ramsey’s soul

incredibly successful couponers. could probably buy their way into heaven with a 50% off all their sins coupon that expires in a day.

croc wearers. sock and sandal wearers. people who wear socks and crocs. no explanation needed

anybody who eats a kit-kat without breaking it in half

google phone users. they are far beyond what our tiny human brains could ever comprehend

teachers who can recognize every single one of their students’ handwriting. could probably forge their way into steve job’s bank account and he’s dead

Life Tip #39

never have to worry about figuring out a costume for Halloween again, by dressing in a ghost costume every day of the year, so on Halloween, you can become the greatest costume ever: you!

unless you already are a ghost, in that case, sorry boo

Life Tip #31

does your teacher want you to turn in notecards on top of everything else you have to do? get back at them by fucking bLINDING THEM WITH THE BRIGHTEST NEON SHIT YOU GOT! YOU WANNA SEE MY DEFINITION OF AGRIBUSINESS? IT’S ON A TRAFFIC CONE, HOPE YOU ENJOY HELL

Life Tip #27

grab a highlighter and draw some of that neon shit on your hand bc you need a reminder that you’re part of the important things too!! gotta highlight the things you don’t want to forget!! :D

Life Tip #35

struggling to unscramble all your problems and get yourself sorted out? well fear no more, because it’s the 21st century and there are multiple websites where you can enter in your problems and it’ll rearrange them for you! ex. procrastinate becomes aristocrate so all i have to do to solve that problem is find a rich person who really likes boxes. i’m a fucking genius :))

Life Tip #46

assert your dominance by slamming your bare face into a fresh pile of snow with no context or explanation. if i saw somebody do that from outta nowhere, i wouldn’t know what the hell was going on but damn does that radiate bde