Ik This Was The Implications Of The Post But I Wanna Js Type It Out Anyways That It Feels Really Shit

ik this was the implications of the post but i wanna js type it out anyways that it feels really shit sometimes to live in such a shameful world that is so focused on everything being right.

i know sometimes the need to be good and "worthy" and all the other fun shame npd/hpd shame things in my head is exaggerated, but there truly is so much external shame. like where do we think it came from?

i was ranting to my friend about feeling inadequate in my kindness. that i felt shame for being selfish about it. that the fact i loved the attention from being kind made me feel so shit about myself. so horrible. that i was disgusting for it. that im a fraud. that i felt that i constantly had to mask because i either had to be kind or be shunned from society. that i had to be kind or the scum of the earth. that the fact i had to mask with kindness meant that i was actually the scum of the earth. because "truly kind" people didn't have to mask.

and that my kindness wasn't good enough. that i wasn't doing enough. that i was not good enough in my kindness because it was imperfect, or that it was because it was too inherently selfish which made it shit. or not worth it.

they told me that they literally did not care where my kindness came from. just that i was kind to them mattered. and that i was doing enough! that imperfection isn't bad! that kindness isn't going to inherently be good or perfect. that its okay to want thanks and praise for it. that i have needs too.

that i have needs too.

and that i did not always have to mask. kindness goes multiple ways, i can offer kindness. and people can be kind to me back when i am being a bitch. that i did not always have to hide the bubbling anger and hurt inside me. (because i matter too) (that i do not have to earn kindness) (that i do not have to earn kindness).

they also brought up that i was kind in so many ways that could make an impact. selfish or not. kind to the six year old kid that i'm going to grow up to hate. kind to the kids i've adopted in year 7 that i sometimes resent. kind to my friends who are complicated and hard and who deserve love no matter how much sometimes my brain gets so tired of loving and hurt from loving that it takes the feelings away again, that it makes me want to kill them sometimes. kind to my horrible ex, where its so much easier to be kind to them than my other friends but also so much easier to hate them forever. kind to them, always.

(they are truly the nicest to me) (and they make me better for it)

they told me that my kindness was a choice. that i chose over and over again to be kind. even if it was probably more of an inconvenience. even if it is the bare minimum, the fact that i choose it over and over again is so cool. (that even when it's the bare minimum most people do not realise how unkind they are as they preach its importance). that my kindness mattered no matter where it came from.

im just going to copypaste the thing they sent me

"the motivator is invisible!!!! you could be chaotic evil but all ur evil deeds are fundmentally kind and it literally would not matter!!!!!!!!! i know it wont change it, the feeling of hating and loving the attneiton as a thing that is good/bad wont change just from sasying this but i rpomise

it feels bad but its not"

who cares what a "truly kind" person is? that's not a thing.

i am kind for a multitude of reasons. i am kind because i learned to care about (some) people. i am kind because i want to try to help kids be happier, so they wouldn't end up like me (so that they won't hurt other people, so that they won't hurt themselves) (and even if they end up like me they will have someone to go to, someone who is somewhat positive in their lives, someone who will not hate them for being like me). i am kind because i love the attention from it (and i have to remind myself that that's okay, that i am not bad for wanting people's care). i am kind because i choose to be (and i don't always have to be).

and that's pretty cool.

I love you people who show kindness because "it's what you're supposed to do". I love you people who show kindess because they like being thanked. I love you people who show kindness because it makes them feel good. I love you people who show kindness because they were shown kindness first. I love you people who show kindness for "selfish" reasons. I love you people who show kindness for the "wrong" reasons. I love you people who show kindness in a body that rejects the very notion. Your kindness is not any lesser because of its motivations. The good you added to the world is just as valuable as someone doing it for the "right" reasons. Your effort is seen. Your effort is valued.

Im not a huge fan of aspec shipping discourse but i have some strong opinions rn. So, ive come up with a hypothetical. Imagine this:

Pretend that we’re back when there was NO LGBTQ representation in media. As in, you could think of literally example of a queer character if asked. (I know LGBTQ rep is still scarce, but not as scarce as it used to be, so just pretend it is that super rare).

Lets say that there is a canonically sapphic character in a show you like, let’s say she’s a girl. You get so excited because there’s literally NO rep in any other shows you can find. Excited, you go on the internet to look for stuff about her. However, when you get onto your social media of choice, all you see is fan content shipping her with a male character.

On the surface, this is completely fine. After all, the show doesn’t exactly specify her identity, she could be bi, pan, etc. Sapphic women can like men. But, you find it odd how the only ship art is with her and a man. She had chemistry with tons of female characters, after all. Why not ship her with them? It seems telling that most people ignore her queerness and just say “sapphic women can still date men” to excuse it, despite that being true.

When you post about how frustrating it is, people start getting mad, saying that you’re gatekeeping queerness. People ignore your points and just say “but queer people can be in straight relationships” even though you know that’s true. People say that “its just fan content, let them have fun.” Most people doing the shipping aren’t even sapphic themselves.

To you, it feels like the only piece of canon representation you have is being ignored completely. You know queer people can have straight relationships, you have no issue with that. It’s the fact that people are basically treating her like a straight character and ignoring her queerness that bothers you.

This is how it feels to see people shipping aro character. I know aro people can date. I’m aro and I hope to be in a relationship someday. Some of my closest friends are aspec and are dating other aspecs. But that’s not the point.

The point is that when aspec characters become canon, which is UNBELIEVABLY RARE, so many people choose to ship them anyways. Not only this, but people’s just treat them as if they were allo, just using “aspecs can date” as a cover for completely ignoring the character’s identity. Aspec relationships have nuance. They sometimes don’t look like a “normal” allo relationship.

You can ship aspec characters respectfully. You can:

Put them in a queerplatonic relationship

Put them in a romantic relationship that doesnt involve sex (if they’re allo-ace)

Put them in a sexual relationship that doesnt involve romance (if theyre aro-allo)

Put them in a relationship that’s sexual and romantic, but acknowledge that the relationship might be different than a one between allo people

Handle the ships with nuance and understand that even in a relationship, the character still isnt allo

And most importantly, listen to aspec people when they tell you something you’re doing is inaccurate or harmful.

Sorry for the rant but just… please listen to aspec people!!! We deserve good representation too

NPD culture is DESPISING having friends and avoiding them as much as possible but also wanting attention desperately

.

And

And I'll quiet my mind.

And I'll quiet my thoughts,

And my words,

And my wants,

And my desires.

And my assumptions of the future

And my hurt from the past.

And I won't make promises,

(Promises are made to be broken)

And I'm not going anywhere.

And I'm staying right here.

With you.

I'm not going anywhere.

I am here.

With you.

However, you're most comfortable.

And however I can make you stay that way.

And long as you're here.

I'm not going anywhere.

That's no promise.

And I won't break it

And please don't break us.

Btw it's not cool to hate on people without empathy..

I don't care what your reasons are,, just cause I don't feel sad when you're sad doesn't mean in suddenly gonna murder your whole family or something

i will admit, one NPD stereotype i do fit is the need to drag down others in order to prevent them from feeling as though they’re better than me.

if someone is overly confident about themselves, i feel the need to make slight jabs at it, often without even realising i’m doing it, just to be sure they aren’t putting themselves above me.

as i said, i usually don’t even realise i’m doing it until it’s done, but it’s important to support NPD even if some of our symptoms do hurt or upset others.

if your support for NPD is limited only to those who do not have symptoms that align with certain stereotypes, then you are not an advocate.