Conflicted

Conflicted

So, I never thought that it would come to this. I do not tolerate this action due to family history, but I don’t know what came over me. Maybe I was overpowered by this guy’s charms that I just had to write something like this. 

To know more what I’m talking about, read on. I won’t even give a summary because I want you guys to know what’s up with this. 

And here’s the devil, erm, Jeong Jaehyun looking like a full-course meal even if he’s just serving face to hype you up. 

Mahal ko kayong lahat! :) 

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POV: 2nd person still. 

Word count: 1,900 + words 

Genre: Romance, with a dash of fluff and a bit of angst. A well-balanced meal, if I should say so myself. 

Warning: Read until the bottom of this page, and you’ll get what you’re going to read, maybe next post or some other time. 

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You felt conflicted whenever Jaehyun was near you.

Although he was your boyfriend’s ex-roommate, there were times that he would hang out at your apartment to catch up with him.

After all, they used to work together as radio DJs. They had a nightly program that you always tuned to before. You and Johnny were still best friends then, and you know you would be frustrated if he still had his program now that you’re together. You two won’t have the time to cuddle, because he would be working and you would wake up with him asleep on the couch.

As you watched Johnny and Jaehyun converse at the dining table, you couldn’t help but observe the younger guy. He was a Disney prince in real life – creamy white skin, immaculately dressed, and with great hair to boot. He also had a beautiful voice that everyone, regardless of age and gender, would fall for.

Those reasons made you feel weird because you’re already in a relationship with one of the most handsome men you know, but at the same time, you couldn’t keep your eyes off him sometimes.

Why am I even thinking of this? You thought as you tied your hair up in a bun to focus on your sideline. It has been a hot minute since you edited textbooks, and sometimes they amused you because some manuscripts contained hilarious content from idiotic authors.

You were already halfway editing the textbook when you felt someone tap your shoulder. You turned around to see Jaehyun, smiling with his adorable dimples on display.

“Hi Essie, it’s time to eat,” he said gently before he went back to the dining table. You followed suit since you didn’t say no to an invitation to eat. You saw that the guys prepared Korean barbecue, which you have been craving as of late.

“Wow, samgyupsal! I missed this!” You cooed, eyeing all the side dishes that you haven’t eaten in months. “I know you’ve been craving for this, baby. I hear you looking for samgyupsal in your sleep,” Johnny said, eliciting a chuckle from Jaehyun.

You glared at your boyfriend who just gave you a heart sign and winked when you raised your fist at him. Your guest was laughing at your interaction, entertained how one of his best friends bantered with his girlfriend.

As the three of you dug in, you talked about everything – from the weather, your music playlists (to be honest, you liked Jaehyun’s taste more than Johnny’s), your upcoming plans, and even your relationships.

“Uh, can someone please pass me the kimchi?” You asked, your hand trying to reach the bowl of said food across the table. It was Jaehyun who handed you the bowl, and you almost dropped it when your fingers touched.

“Sorry,” you both muttered, giving timid looks at each other. Johnny noticed your interaction and raised his eyebrows.

“Babe, what’s this? You’re shy of Jeong Jaehyun?” He asked, even stamping his feet for effect. You could tell that he was both curious and annoyed – curious that you felt that way and annoyed that maybe your feelings for him weren’t that strong as he thought.  

“B-but…” you started, your eyes meeting Jaehyun’s for a moment before you turned to your boyfriend. “He’s too handsome, just like you…” Your voice was so soft that you felt you were the only one who heard it.

There was a moment of silence before Jaehyun cleared his throat. You and Johnny looked at him, which made him flustered. His ears were practically red now.  

“Baby, I know he’s too handsome for this world, but I hope you’re not falling for him,” Johnny said monotonously, trying his best not to sound jealous.

On your part, you appreciated his honesty. That was one of the things you loved about him – his brutally frank comments helped you with your problems most of the time.

However, you also enjoyed how he seemed jealous of your budding crush on his friend, who now covered his face with his hands. “Please stop looking at me,” Jaehyun mumbled while peeking from the small spaces in between his fingers.

“Of course not, darling! You’re still my number one,” your attention was directed to Johnny this time, “but I have to be honest that Jaehyun is such a stunner that I can’t help but look at him sometimes,” you ended by taking a glance at the guy on your right.

The nerve of this guy to wink at you at this moment! You felt your body heat up at this, and you clenched your utensils tightly to fight it off.

“Jaaaaay! Don’t make her fall in love with you! She should be in love with me, and only me!” Johnny was whining like a baby, and the tension that enveloped the table earlier vanished.

You and Jaehyun laughed at how the 6-footer was acting. “Don’t worry, she won’t. Right, Essie? You’ll try your best not to fall in love with me?” The prince-like guy gave you another wink again and blew you a brief kiss.

You laughed in return, flushing red at the attention you were getting. “Hey, you’re totally trying to steal her from me!” Johnny quipped, whose long arm grabbed your wrist so you can focus your attention on him.

“I’m the only one you love, right?” He changed his voice to a sultry one and he gave you The Look. You felt your heart flutter and your insides became warmer. Ah, he still got you every time he did that.

“Yes, honey,” you murmured, shyly looking at his face. “You’re the one that I love.”

Jaehyun began to sing Shania Twain’s ‘You’re Still The One’, and Johnny followed suit. Then all of you sang the song until the end and burst into laughter at how funny (and flirty) you felt for the past few minutes.

After eating, Johnny had to take care of some errands, leaving you and Jaehyun alone in the apartment. “Don’t you even dare, Jeong Yoon-oh,” your boyfriend threatened, which you and your companion did not take seriously. “Don’t try to do anything to my girl,” were his last words before he left the house.

\\\

If there was one word to describe your situation after Johnny left, it was awkward.

You were seated on the end of the couch with a pillow on your stomach as you busily scrolled through your social media feed. On the opposite end was Jaehyun, who was also doing the same.

You could hear the videos he was playing, and you bet he could hear you mutter something under your breath. That was one quirk of yours whenever you scrolled through your Twitter feed – you had to comment on people’s tweets audibly first before responding to them on the app.

“You’re such a hoe, bitch,” you mumbled as you also typed it as your response. You were commenting on Ten’s latest post, which was an outtake on one of his shoots. He looked like a Renaissance painting that came to life with his velvet suit, silk ruffled shirt, and jeweled shoes.

“Who’s a hoe, Essie?” Jaehyun asked, melting you with his stare.

“It’s definitely not you!” You responded, cheeks red from embarrassment. You didn’t mean for him to hear your comment – you made a mental note to correct your quirk, so people don’t question you.

He laughed at your reaction and moved closer to where you were seated. “Then who are you calling a hoe then?”

You leaned back against the couch, hoping that there will be more space you could back out into. “It’s only Ten that I call as such, and it’s our thing,” you said, raising your phone to your face to cover how flushed it was.

“Really? You and Ten have a thing? Does Johnny know of this?” With every word he spoke, he moved closer to you.

“Not like that, dude! Ten’s one of my closest friends now. And you know he won't do something that will make Johnny angry, right?”

This stopped Jaehyun from approaching you, and it was his time to lean back on the sofa. “Oh, is that so?” he rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

When you thought that he was done from crawling toward you, he surprised you when he wrapped his arms around your waist.

You squealed as he tickled you on the sides, on your knee, and his hands crept up on your neck.

“Jaaaaaay! Stop that!” You said in between panting, getting tired from laughing. You were pushing him away, but he easily overpowered you with his strength.

“No, Essie, I don’t want to! Say the magic word,” he said while staring at you with all his might.

Time slowed, and you took in how intent he was on making you say the magic word – what was it, anyway?

“Please?” You breathed, returning the stare he gave you. “Please, darling,” you tried again, your voice breathier than usual.

He loosened his hold on you, but he didn’t let go. “Do I need to repeat myself?” You asked, your hands ready to untangle yourself from him.

“Darling, you make me feel conflicted,” he said with the most painful expression on his face. It was a mixture of sadness and struggle, a combination that was indeed painful to see on anyone.

“Are you for real, Jaehyun?” You raised an eyebrow, hoping it masked how shocked you were with his words. You hoped you sounded scandalized to make him stop what he was doing.

“Essie, I like you. A lot. It pains me that I was never able to make a move on you first,” he said, tilting his body toward yours. He now had a loving expression on his face, making your heart melt.

“But why now?” You could feel the tears pooling at the corner of your eyes.

Come to think of it, Jaehyun was always nice when you hung out with Johnny before. He never teased you – he was actually very sweet and was always on your side. There were times he held your hand, and you let him since you two were good friends.

And how could you forget that he used to kiss your cheek every time you said your farewell? It was not just your cheeks touching – he really pressed his lips lightly on your cheek.

But best friends trump good friends, and eventually, you weren’t able to maintain your closeness once you spent more time with Johnny instead.

“I’m sorry, Essie. I don’t know what to do,” he slowly unhooked his arms on you, “I’m such a fool for coming here. Now I’m confused,” he ran his hands through his hair and looked distressed.

“I’m sorry too, Jay. But if you must know, I like you a lot too,” you said while fiddling with your thumbs.

“Essie, you’re making me more confused,” He sounded annoyed now. “I don’t want to ruin your relationship with John, I know how much he loves you.”

“But does he know that you…like me too?” As much as it made you cringe, you just had to ask him that.

His answer surprised you. “He doesn’t, and I intend to keep it that way.”

This was a plot twist that made your love life more complicated – even though you already have Johnny, you had Mark trying his best to woo you, and now Jaehyun has joined ‘the group chat’, as the kids would say.

“So, what do you plan to do then?” The question came out of your mouth without any thinking, which you now regret.

“Do you want to sin with me?” The way he delivered it sent shivers down your spine. It felt as if you were talking to the devil, only he was clad in a sweater and black jeans.

From that day until the following week, you and Jaehyun had your trysts.

–––

FIN

Welcome to my Playground!

Hi guys, I'm J. 

I've been lurking Tumblr (years after I was an active user of the platform) for K-pop fanfiction to read, and now I've decided it's time to show the world my contribution. It was in late 2019 that I fell in love with K-pop again, in the process discovering Super M, NCT 127, and EXO. (I was a huge fan of Super Junior and still love SHINee.) Right now, I'm more biased towards NCT 127 as most of the fics I have written have the one and only Johnny Suh in mind. 

Most of the time, I write these fics during my free time at work or whenever inspiration hits (and I'm in front of my computer or laptop). But really, I get away with writing fics while I'm at work so please don't judge me, lol. 

I hope my silly stories make you feel things (good or bad, but I hope it's the former), and please tell me about it. I'd love to converse with fellow writers and readers and get inspired by your comments and suggestions.

  Here's to improving my craft and getting to know like-minded individuals! 

Mahal ko kayong lahat! :)

Housemates (Johnny)

I like to make it up to you, guys – here’s another installment of my Housemates mini-series featuring NCT members. Yes, you read it right – NCT, which means there might be members from other sub-units that you’ll get to read about soon.

Since I started with Mark, I’m going to continue with his funny and lovable hyung – Johnny Suh, also known as the Love of My Life. Just look how cute he is in the GIF below!

Mahal ko kayong lahat! :)

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Summary: Like the first story, it was inspired by an Instagram post of NCT members as your roommates or housemates. This came from the second part.

If this piece can come with a subtitle, it would be: Essie Park is PMS-ing so bad, but deep inside, she appreciates what Johnny does for her. In short, she’s really grumpy here, and you might find her a bit annoying.

POV: 2nd person still.

Word count: 1,400 + words 

Warning: Since someone’s not in the mood here, expect a twinge of angst in one of the scenarios. But as always, this is fluffy and sweet as a cotton candy.

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When you and Johnny started as roommates, it was quite chaotic.

You woke Mark up, or whoever was sleeping in the other spare room, with the sound of plastic containers falling from the shelves. If not that, you were chucking them at the six-footer who seemed intent to annoy you by hiding important things on the high shelves.

“Younghooooo! Why did you put the remote control here?” You screeched, grabbing the device from the top shelf. “Are you planning to hog the telly all by yourself? Well, you aren’t!”

You jumped off from the counter and clutched the remote tightly. Johnny tried his best to hide his laughter, but he couldn’t. He loved seeing you annoyed because he knew he would be forgiven when he apologized with a lot of aegyo.

\\\

Your body clock was also ruined the longer you stayed at his place. “Let’s have lunch?” He asked from across the room as he rummaged the fridge for something to eat.

You looked at your phone’s watch and rolled your eyes. “Johnny, it’s quarter to 3 in the morning. Let me repeat: in the fucking morning. Are you out of your mind?!” You had already raised your voice in annoyance, but he was unbothered by it.

“I don’t find anything I’d like to eat here,” he said as he closed the fridge door. “How does Panda Express sound?”

“Whatever, dude. As long as you’re paying.”

\\\

While you were viewing your friends’ Instagram Stories on the couch, a notification popped up that Johnny sent you a message.

It was a snap of him winking with his hands clasped in front of him. Can you please get the carton of ice cream from the fridge? Let’s share it too~ was the caption that accompanied it.

You looked to your right and saw him intently watching a video on his phone. “What the hell, dude? Really?” You grumbled, which he ignored. His face was too close to the screen.

You shoved your phone in your pocket first before you got what was asked of you. It was a carton of ice cream good for sharing, and it was your favorite flavor – mint chocolate chip.

“Here you go, your highness,” you said, handing him the ice cream and a spoon. He paused what he was watching and patted the space beside him.

You obliged and ate the ice cream beside him. Eventually, you joined him in watching, and he pulled you close to him.

“Thanks, baby,” he said as you focused your attention on the subs on the screen.

“No problem. But next time, you can press pause and get whatever you need by yourself, okay?” You said without looking at him, your tone firm.

He responded by tightening his hold on you and kissing the top of your head.

\\\

There was a time that you were so tired and wanted some peace, but your housemate didn’t give you that.

Johnny decided to throw a surprise party by inviting some of your closest friends – Key, Ten, Taemin, Kai, Jaehyun, and the rest of their crew. The apartment was filled with handsome men, which isn’t bad, but you weren’t in the mood to interact with them at the moment.

You were speechless as Yuta took off your coat for you, and Jungwoo held your purse. “Come on in, princess! The party has just started!” Johnny greeted you, who was wearing a red velvet robe similar to what Hugh Hefner wore.

Your eyes narrowed to slits, and you folded your arms in front of you. “A party? You do know that I’m tired as fuck after coming home late for the past few days?” You hissed, making the tall guy approach you cautiously.

“I know, baby! But a little party never hurt somebody!” He tried to convince you by shaking his booty a bit, hoping that his party mood will rub off on you.

“Come on, Essie! Have some fun with us!” You heard Taemin say, waving to you with that bashful smile of his. You noticed that he held a glass of whiskey on his other hand.

His words made you reconsider, and later on, you were singing with Ten and Key on the couch, while Mark and Haechan laughed at how you butchered the song.

You saw in the corner of your eyes that Johnny was pleased. You gave him a thumbs-up, and he returned it with a wink as well.

\\\

“Shut the fuck up, Johnny! Some of us are trying to concentrate here!” You screamed, banging on the bathroom door.

Your housemate was singing ‘A Pocketful of Sunshine’ (a la Emma Stone in ‘Easy A’), and it was distracting you.

You were working on your sideline at the dining table, and you heard how grating Johnny’s voice was from where you were. You knew that he didn’t sound like that – he sounded angelic when sang – but there were times he liked to sing badly on purpose to annoy you or anyone else in the apartment.

Unfortunately, Mark was immune to his hyung’s 'bad' singing. “Just let him be, Essie noona,” he said, biting his lip so he wouldn’t laugh. If you were easy to annoy, the younger guy was easy to laugh.

“But he’s distracting me! I need to get my work done!” You whined, and at this time, Mark was getting teary-eyed from holding in his laughter. “You can borrow my noise-canceling headphones if you need some quiet time,” he offered, going back to his room to get them.

“There’s no need, Mark,” you heard Johnny say, “because I’m done.” A few seconds later, he emerged from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his bottom half. However, it was a bit too low for anyone’s liking – the outline of his pelvic bones were showing.

“Jesus Christ, Johnny! Can you raise that towel higher?” You complained, backing away from the bathroom. “Mark, I’ll still need those headphones, please!” You rushed back to the kitchen where your laptop was waiting for you.

Johnny chuckled at your flustered figure but did what you told him to once you were back on your seat.

\\\

After a devastating day at work, you just wanted to throw yourself on the floor once you arrived home.

The tears that you tried to contain spilled once you arrived at your doorstep. You cursed when you couldn’t find your keys. As you fumbled at your bag for it, you heard someone approach the door.

You didn’t have to look up to know who it was and went in once the door was opened. You thanked the person almost inaudibly before throwing your bag on the couch and ran toward your bedroom.

Johnny was concerned and bothered at this sight of you.

He went to your room a few minutes after you have cried it out on your pillow. “Hey, are you okay?” He asked gently, approaching your curled-up figure slowly.

“Isn’t it obvious? Of course, I’m not,” you mumbled on the pillow, clutching it tightly until your knuckles went white.

“Essie, what’s wrong?” This time, he was sitting on your bed and stroking your back.

“A really bad day at work,” you replied, still not turning to face him. You didn’t want him to see your smudged makeup and puffy eyes.

You were surprised when he flipped you over to face him. You covered your face with your hands, so he doesn’t see how terrible you looked.

“Tell me about it,” he said, taking off your hands off your face as he pulled you towards him. You shut your eyes as he led you towards his chest.

“I’m just doing my job, but people at work have to be mean about it…” You started your story and eventually forgot that you were conscious of your face.

You saw him listening intently to your rant, and you felt your insides grow warm. It was nice and touching of your housemate to do this for you, even if you have been grumpy with him for the past few days.

Once you were done, he enveloped you in a hug and patted your back. “There are days like that, and there will always be people like that,” he said. “Let it all out, and then move on from it, okay?” He was stroking your hair, and this made you relax in his arms.

You stayed in this intimate position for a while, and you wondered if you will have more moments like this in the future.

–––

FIN

The Pull of You

Brace yourselves, guys – this shit’s heavy. I wrote this during a moment of depression, so expect heavy themes here. 

This piece is connected to Conflicted, so if you want to know what happens after that, then click that link below.

Mahal ko kayong lahat! :) 

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Summary: The aftermath of Essie’s affair with Jaehyun complicates her dynamic with her house mates, most especially her boyfriend Johnny. That’s already a given, but how do they resolve this? Or will they ever do? 

POV: 3rd person. 

Word count: 3,000 + words 

Warning: Aside from the drama and angst this piece exudes, there is also a mention of cutting here. Please don’t do it, kids. Don’t be like who’s still trying to recover from it. And of course, smoking again if you’re sensitive to it. 

Recommended listening: If you concluded that I’ll recommend The National here, then you are correct. I listened to ‘The Pull of You’ and ‘You Have Your Soul With You’ repeatedly while writing this. Lyrics from the song are in bold and italic. 

–––

The affair ruined her. Essie slowly descended into madness, her conscience guilty, and her thoughts spiraling out of control with a million thoughts.

She couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t afford to see Jaehyun behind Johnny’s back. It lasted for a week, and she had to tell her lover that she had to end this.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can continue this anymore,” she sobbed, “I want to love you both, but I can only love one of you. I should only love one of you.”

“I know, mon amour. I understand,” was Jaehyun’s reply as he rubbed her back. “I know this wasn’t meant to last long, I know that you love him more than me.”

“I’m so sorry, Jay. I really am. Maybe in another lifetime, we could’ve been,” she sobbed even harder this time.

Jaehyun spent the whole afternoon comforting her and gave her his last kiss before they went their separate ways. “I have no regrets, I am happy that we became together for a moment,” he whispered.

Essie didn’t reply, she was already a mess that couldn’t be fixed.

\\\

In the next few weeks, Johnny noticed that his girlfriend wasn’t acting her usual self. She didn’t talk to him that much and was always holed up in her room.

Although he did his best to be the most caring and patient boyfriend a girl could ever have, Essie wasn’t responding to any of his sweet gestures. He hadn’t heard her speak more than a few words. She didn’t even greet him or say thanks.

As much as he wanted to confront her, he knew that he couldn’t handle the sight of her crumbling in front of him. He let her be for the moment, hoping for the day that she will be back to her usual jolly self.

However, he felt hurt when he saw her conversing with Mark. She looked fine as he saw them talking in her bedroom, as there was a small space open in her door that he could peek through. The younger guy was listening intently to her story, and he observed how she was more animated compared to the past few weeks.

When Johnny saw Mark emerge out of Essie’s bedroom, he wasn’t able to ask his other housemate what he was doing there. Mark walked away with his head bowed, as if he was avoiding any conversation with his hyung. This left Johnny standing on the hallway with his mouth agape, his eyes fixated on the closed door of his girlfriend’s room.

What could have he done to deserve this?

\\\

Mark felt conflicted about the stories that his dear Essie noona told him. He wasn’t sure if he was the right person to listen to this kind of story, but he had to now that she and her boyfriend weren’t on speaking terms lately.

Essie told Mark of her affair with Jaehyun. It only lasted for a week, but she felt horrible that she was able to do it. She never expected that she would end up like her father. She should not tolerate cheating since that was what tore her family apart.

“I love them both, Mark,” she wiped a tear from her eye, “but I don’t know how I can tell John about this. I don’t know what to do if he leaves me. And I don’t know if I can pursue a relationship with Jaehyun further now.”

He just held her hand and squeezed it, not knowing what to say. “I’m sorry if I told you this, but I needed someone to talk to. This might be a lot for you to process, but what do you think I should do?”

When he saw how wrecked she looked, his heart ached. “I…I don’t know. I really don’t know,” were the only words he said before Essie cried for the hundredth time that week.

\\\

Essie didn’t come out of her room the whole day. That worried Johnny because even if they weren’t on speaking terms, she still slipped out of her room to eat (lately it’s only once a day) or use the bathroom.

It was already late in the evening, and the itch to confront her resurfaced. He took a deep breath and walked toward the landing where his keys were. He had the key to all of the rooms, hers included. It was time to take action.

He opened the door to her room and saw her bundled in her comforter. He almost dropped his phone when he noticed that there were bloodstains on it.

He rushed to her side and saw that the blood came from her wrists. They were still bleeding. He extracted a pair of scissors on her bed and threw it away. She had hurt herself.

“Maaaaark!” He shouted, trying not to let panic get to him. “Mark Lee, come here immediately, please!”

The younger guy peeked into Essie’s room and was shocked to see the bloodied comforter. “I’ll call 911,” he said, immediately fishing his phone out of his pocket to call the hotline.

Johnny unwrapped Essie from her beddings and examined the wounds she created. They were a bit fresh, and they still bled. He noticed that she wasn’t breathing regularly anymore.

He was crying throughout the ordeal – the medical staff had to calm him down, and Mark had to step up to take care of the situation.

He didn’t know why Essie ended up like this. She wasn’t talking to him for weeks. He gave her space, and he tried his best not to be mad at her. He was a kind, understanding, and caring partner. But she was being selfish, and it broke his heart day by day.

Now, he might lose her because he wasn’t strong enough to break her walls.

Is this how I lose it? Everything at once?

\\\

Essie’s thoughts continued to consume her.

I don’t deserve to be loved.

I have been a bad partner.

I have become like my father.

I am a whore, a slut, a bitch, or any derogatory names you could call me.

I am not worthy of Johnny’s love, nor Jaehyun’s.

I am the most selfish person on this planet.

I deserve to die.

She had no energy to get out of bed or even eat properly. She only had one meal a day, the portions becoming smaller each day. The last thing she ate was a single cracker.

As she buried herself deeper into her sheets, the desire to cut returned. Wordlessly, she got up from the bed and grabbed the nearest scissors she could find.

She shut her eyes and dragged it across her wrist first to see if it was sharp enough. She saw thin lines etched onto her skin, with one of them oozing a prick of blood.

She tried again, this time harder and slower. She let out a small grunt as she felt the metal digging into her skin. She felt the blood gush out, which was both a painful yet wonderful experience. She did it again to her other wrist albeit shakily, for the blood was making her lose her control.

They were thick gashes on each wrist, and she gave a faint smile at her work.

I wish all these thoughts would stop now, she thought as she closed her eyes. She felt faint, which she hoped would lead to her losing her conscience until she never gets it back.

\\\

When Essie opened her eyes, she was at the hospital. It was a sight she never thought she’d see or experience. There were bandages on her wrists, and she felt a twinge of pain when she tried to move her hands.

“You’re awake,” a voice beside her croaked. It was Johnny, who looked worse for wear. She tried to say anything, but her mouth was too dry. She settled on looking at him instead, observing the dark bags under his eyes and his messy hair.

“Do you need anything?” She shook her head. “Water?” Another shake. “Come on, baby, please,” he said, on the verge of tears.

She could only stare at him, her mind still processing everything that happened for the past few weeks.

“Why won’t you talk to me still? What did I do? I want to know if I hurt you in any way, so I know how I could make it up to you,” he started, tears falling from his eyes.

“You’ve been talking to Mark, but not me. Are you hiding something from me?”

Those words made her heart pound loudly against her chest, and she tried not to break from her poker face.

“Baby, whatever it is, please. Let me know. I’ll understand. Whatever you did, I’ll forgive you. Just talk to me.”

Still, Essie would not budge. She just stared at him crying, unable to say anything for fear of him breaking further than her.

I cheated, John. With your best friend. I’m sorry.

A tear slipped from her eye, which Johnny didn’t notice as he continued to weep in front of her.

There was a knock on the door, but that didn’t stop him from crying. The door creaked open, revealing Mark in his trademark baseball cap.

He was about to say anything but noticed that his hyung was close to bawling.

“I guess I’ll be back later,” he mumbled, about to close the door. That was when Essie found her voice back, even if it was hoarser than usual. “Mark,” she started, “please stay.”

The younger guy was surprised at this, and he re-entered the room. Johnny’s eyes widened that his girlfriend wanted to talk to his other roommate instead of him.

“Sorry, Johnny hyung, but can you excuse us for a second?” Mark whispered, still not making eye contact with him.

“I can’t believe this,” Johnny muttered, glaring at his housemates for a second before storming out of the room.

He went out of the hospital to calm himself down, and for the first time in ages, he lighted a stick.

\\\

Everything came back to her once she started speaking to Mark. The younger guy updated her on what happened, and he saw how her face was coming back to life with various expressions. Her eyebrows knitted, her mouth frowned, and her eyes expressed the most emotion of them all.

“Mark, I still don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to him, not like this,” she murmured, looking at her bandaged wrists.

“You have to now, Essie noona. Please. It’s breaking him too. If you don’t want him to leave, you have to do it,” he said, softly tapping her arm.

She cried again, and Mark took this opportunity to excuse himself and find Johnny so the lovers could finally talk.

\\\

It took Mark an hour to find his hyung. He tried calling, but he wouldn’t answer. He had to resort to calling their other friends. Eventually, he found him through Yuta. “He’s at that coffee house with the nice smoking area,” the Japanese guy said before he hung up.

It was the place that he went to with his girlfriend. Mark knew that Essie smoked, but she was trying to cut it down. He didn’t know if she had quit, but that didn’t matter now.

As he went to the smoking area, he saw Johnny blowing a smoke ring. “Johnny hyung,” he approached the guy carefully, afraid that he might hurt him due to what he witnessed earlier.

“Mark,” the older guy said harshly and even blew smoke at his face. “What brings you here?”

“I’m taking you back to the hospital. She needs you now,” he took a seat beside him and twiddled his thumbs out of nervousness.

“What makes you think she needs me? She only talks to you now! Tell me,” Johnny said as he put out the cigarette, “are you two in a secret relationship?”

Mark shook his head vigorously. “No, hyung. She already made her choice when she decided to be in a relationship with you. I will never do that to you, to her, or anyone.” His voice was firm.

“Then, why is she talking only to you? I’m always here for her. Mark, please tell me, what’s wrong? Why isn’t she talking to me?” The older guy was in tears again, his sadness and frustration about the situation coming up again.

“It’d be best that she explain it, to be honest. I don’t even know what to say,” Mark rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Please, Johnny hyung. Have a bit more patience. She’ll talk.”

“I’m doing the best that I could, Mark Lee. I hope I still have some patience in me left,” were Johnny’s last words before he went back to the hospital.

\\\

“Baby, you said you needed to talk to me?”

The six-footer was now seated beside his love, who looked more alive than he saw her earlier. She nodded, opening her palm and moving it toward his direction.

He took this as a cue to hold her hand, which he did. He was gentle in picking it up, slowly slipping in his fingers in between hers.

“Can you tell me why you hurt yourself? Can you tell me everything why you haven’t been talking to me in ages?” His voice cracked as he asked.

“I…I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I really am. I am truly, deeply sorry.”

“I know it’s easy to say I forgive you, but I don’t know if I can accept it just yet. You really hurt me,” Johnny’s grip tightened. “But I know you still have a lot to explain. Can you start?”

She looked at him with teary eyes, slowly untangling her hand from him. She didn’t know where to start. She didn’t know if she could say what she has practiced in her mind while she was waiting for him to return.

I had only one thing to do and I couldn’t do it yet.

///

It took some time for Essie and Johnny to repair their relationship. She wasn’t able to tell him what she really wanted to say when she was at the hospital. They just held hands and cried.

Once she was discharged, Johnny was hands-on in taking care of her. He didn’t leave her alone – he accompanied her to the bathroom, he slept beside her, and he was there for her when she had to go out of the house.

In one instance, they had to return to the hospital for a follow-up check-up and an appointment with the psychiatrist. They held hands as they went to the car silently. Essie didn’t talk that much, and if she did, she only gave single statements.

Johnny’s patience was wearing thin, but he prayed that the Lord give him more. He didn’t want to lose the love of his life, even if she still hasn’t told him everything yet.

From all the things that she said, he only knew that she was apologetic for everything.

Something's leaving me behind

It's just a feeling in my mind

\\\

It was during their ride to the hospital that Essie finally cracked.

“I’m sorry that I broke your heart,” she wept, looking away from him.

It had started raining outside, and they were stuck in traffic.

“I already forgive you for that,” he squeezed her hand. “Stop apologizing so much. I got it.” He bent forward to look at her face in the car window and saw that her eyes were red and puffy.

“It’s more than what you think, John. I really am sorry.”

He let go of her clammy hand and placed it on the steering wheel. Could it be?

A moment of awkward silence enveloped the car. They weren’t listening to any of their playlists lately. Music took a backseat in their lives as Johnny was intent to fix things with Essie.

“Who did you do it with?” His tone was serious, making the hairs on the back of Essie’s neck stand up.

“Jay,” she whispered as she sat up straight. “It was Jay.” She repeated with certainty.

“Jeong Jaehyun,” Johnny growled his best friend’s name. It made sense to him now. No wonder he wasn’t talking to him despite leaving multiple voice calls and private messages. “How dare he do this to me? But how could you too, Essie?” The instant change of tone of his voice made her heart ache.

It was one of the most painful things that she heard him say, along with the pleas that he said when she was at the hospital.

“I’m really sorry, John. There are no excuses for what I did. I gave in to temptation when I could’ve avoided it…” Essie’s voice cracked at each word she said, and she was in tears again.

“How long did it last?” Johnny’s question cut through her like a knife. He wasn’t dilly-dallying around.

“For a week. I couldn’t take it anymore…” She distracted herself by studying her hands since she didn’t want to cry all day. She knew she would cry more during her appointment with the psychiatrist.

“Essie…” He breathed, his eyes intent on the traffic sign. It was still red, and he was wishing that it would change to green.

“I’m sorry, Johnny. My sincerest apologies. I am remorseful for what I did. Please forgive me more for what I have done,” she said, taking a glance at his face.

Even if it pained her to see his reaction, she had to know how he felt.

He had an inscrutable expression as he continued to drive. Of course, it hurt him that his best friends cheated on him. Jeong Jaehyun, a man he considered his brother, had an affair with the woman he wanted to marry and have a family with.

He had to right to be angry about this. But he didn’t feel it right now. Instead, he felt defeated. Deflated. Depressed.

His love for Essie was too much that he wanted her to get better soon so they could fix their lives together.

Processing anger can take a toll on someone, and he didn’t want to feel that just yet. He would get angry later on. That could wait.

He took a look at Essie, who has now fallen asleep. He gave her a small smile before focusing his attention back on the road.

We're connected by a thread

If we ever get far apart

I'll still feel the pull of you

–––

FIN

P.S. I hope you didn’t make a drinking game out of all the times I mentioned hyung here!

Housemates (Jaehyun)

Of course, I had to do my version of having Jeong Jaehyun as a housemate. Expect fluffy happenings and realizations on his part in this piece. 

As always, here’s a Jaehyun GIF for you. I just want to poke and squish his cheeks here!  

Mahal ko kayong lahat! :)

–––

Summary: Like the previous ones, this story is inspired by this post. There was one item that I wasn’t able to write about, and one of the scenarios here is inspired by real life. Can you guess what that is? 

POV: This has a mix of both 2nd and 3rd POVs since I wrote them at different times. 

Word count: 2,100 + words, which is the longest I have for this series. 

Warning: Truthfully, I wrote this piece sort of a prelude to their affair, so expect that he’s quite sweet with Essie on this. 

–––

There was a time in Essie’s life that she and Jaehyun were housemates before their affair. Maybe that experience was why the guy fell for her but still didn’t do anything about it until it was too late.

Essie stayed in Jaehyun’s old place when he and Taeil were still housemates. This time, Taeil was staying with Donghyuck since they became closer over time. Not that the old roommates weren’t friends anymore; they just grew apart.

Essie and Taeil loved bonding over music and cats. Jaehyun will observe them from afar, with his trademark dimpled smile, as they played with kittens while listening to Frank Ocean.

“Are you guys hungry?” The pink-haired guy interrupted their moment, moving closer to them so they will notice his presence. “Yeah, we are!” Essie and Taeil said at the same time, which made them giggle afterward. “Aren’t you hungry too, Ying?” The girl cooed at the white kitten on her lap. “I’m sure Yang is hungry!” The guy beside her said, stroking the fur of the black kitten he now carried in his arms.

Jaehyun chuckled at his housemates before grabbing his coat. “I’ll get you your favorites, please wait for me.”

“Okay, bye! Take care!” Both voices said at the same time, along with the soft meowing of kittens.

\\\

“I can’t sleep,” Essie whined one evening when she appeared in Jaehyun’s room. The girl was dressed in men’s pajamas, which she probably swiped from Johnny.

“How can I help you sleep?” The guy asked, motioning her to come further into his room. She walked hesitantly towards the small chair beside his shelf of knick-knacks, her eyes roaming all over his room.

“Your place looks cute and cozy, it’s very you,” she commented before taking a seat on said small chair.

Jaehyun had just closed the door to his room and was now standing in front of Essie. “Thanks sweetie, that’s very thoughtful of you,” he sat across from her on the edge of his bed, “but what would you want to do now?”

She assumed a thinker’s pose – hands cradling her chin – and hummed. “Are you watching anything right now?”

“A series? Let’s see,” he got his phone and checked Netflix. “Just re-runs of ‘Friends’. Would you like to watch it with me?”

She nodded eagerly, and he set up the television. “Thanks, dude. Maybe watching a series might make me sleepy,” she mumbled as she was now seated on one part of his bed.

“No problem, my sweet Essie. I’m happy to help you out,” he said as he plopped on the space beside her as the iconic introduction of the series now played.

A few episodes in and Jaehyun noticed that the girl was yawning. “Okay, I think you’re sleepy now,” he whispered. She gave a small nod before yawning loudly. “Thanks again, Jay. Sorry if I had to crash here just so I can be sleepy.”

“Anything for you, sweetie.” He squeezed her hand, which she returned. “Just drop by when you have a problem or something.”

She got up from the bed and waved silently before leaving his room. This was one of those moments that he felt weird and warm at the same time – he was slowly falling for her.

Maybe he should stop giving her pet names? That might be the reason why he found her more attractive each day. Or maybe he’s just making an excuse because he has always been interested in her from the start.

\\\

“Good morning, honey,” Jaehyun greeted Essie, who looked like she needed more hours of sleep despite sleeping for more than the recommended 8 hours.

“Honey? Yesterday I was sweetie,” she mumbled while rubbing her eyes. “You never seem to run out of nicknames for me, eh?”

“Yup, as long as I think of anything to call you, I’ll call you that.” He said, smiling at her as he handed her the box of cereal. “Do you want anything else?”

“Milk, of course. How am I supposed to eat this without it?” Essie shook the box in front of him in annoyance.

He chuckled at her reaction and handed her a carton of milk from the fridge. “You just want some milk, okay then,” he muttered.

This got her laughing as she remembered a viral video of him studying for his English oral exams, and netizens highlighted that line as one of his iconic moments.

“Don’t you dare bring it up, honey,” he grumbled as he got a bowl and spoon for her.

“But that was really funny, Yoon Oh!”

His only response was a glare, which didn’t faze Essie at all. Instead, she burst into laughter and even slapped the table for emphasis.

\\\

“You poor baby,” Jaehyun said, brushing the strands of Essie’s hair away from her face. “I’m sorry you had to see me like this, usually I get better with meds and rest,” the girl replied, her voice a bit hoarse.

Essie got sick during the second week of her stay in Jaehyun and Taeil’s apartment. The latter was out, and it was just her and the former at home.

At first, she was just sneezing more than usual. Then, she was coughing. Soon enough, she had to wear a facemask despite her aversion to them. Jaehyun noticed that her eyes were red and watery as well.

When he decided to check on Essie a while ago, he saw that she was completely wrapped in her comforter even if the AC was on. He took matters into his own hands, and that’s why they ended up like this.

“I heard from Johnny that your mom always made you warm calamansi juice whenever you got sick,” he said as he reached for the mug on her bedside table.

She got teary-eyed as she took the mug from him. “You didn’t have to do this for me,” she said before taking a sip. “I just needed more rest, that’s all.”

“You’ll get better faster when there’s someone to take care of you.”

Essie felt her insides warm up even more with Jaehyun’s comment, and she drank more of the juice he made her.

“I also made some chicken noodle soup. Everything to get your flu out of the way, okay?” He flashed her a smile and patted her thigh.

Essie was practically burning from his touch but did her best not to show that she felt such. She smiled weakly and went back to sleep.

Despite Jaehyun’s good intentions, his actions made Essie’s temperature go higher.

“And I thought you’ll be better faster with my warm offerings,” he said the following day as he got the thermometer from her.

“I’m sorry, but as I said, I need more rest. But you can make me more of that warm calamansi juice though. Please?” She attempted to bat her eyelashes at him, which made Jaehyun giggle.

“Alright, I’ll make you more of that. I’m glad you love it though,” he said as he kissed her temple.

“Thank you, Jay. You’re the best. Your future girlfriend will be so lucky to have you,” she murmured before closing her eyes.

He took one last look at her before going to the kitchen to prepare her drink.

Yes, Essie. You are lucky to have me.

\\\

One of the things that irked you when you were roommates with Jaehyun was that he always had to put his game on loudspeaker.

You groaned as you heard the sound of machine guns, a female voice screaming ‘Victory’, and conversations between the characters of the game.

“Jay, would you turn it down a bit? I’m trying to focus here,” you said as poked your head in his room.

He was intent on killing the enemy on the screen, and it took him a couple of seconds to respond to your request. He paused the game and flashed you an apologetic smile.

“Sorry about that, I’ll just lower the volume. I like playing games with the sound on, it gets me more in the mood.”

You rolled your eyes at his answer and closed the door. You hoped that he would do what he said since even your noise-canceling headphones weren’t strong enough to block the noises of his game.

Maybe it’s about time that you replace that Bose hand-me-down from your sister.

\\\

You were surprised to see two shirts, a pair of joggers, and a hoodie that wasn't yours in your hamper.

You examined the tags and realized that these clothes belonged to Jaehyun. Your rooms were just beside each other, with your hamper placed outside your room.

Since it was just outside, it was convenient for you to dump your laundry there. And maybe he thought the same since he also did with his clothes on your hamper.

“Jay…” You started as you poked your head in his room again. He was lying on his bed scrolling through his phone. He wore his headband, a black shirt, and a pair of shorts. He looked comfortable in his position – a bit of his torso showed as the shirt had risen.

“Yeah?” He said without turning around. When you squinted your eyes to look at what he was doing, you chuckled. He was responding to tweets from friends and fans.

“May I ask why you put some of your laundries in my basket?”

This got him to stand up immediately and rush to the hamper outside your rooms. “Sorry about that, Essie,” he said, plucking out his clothes that you have now carefully folded on top of yours. “It’s just easier to dump them there than put them in my hamper inside the room.”

“Then why not just put your hamper outside then? I’m sure ours don’t look the same,” you said, peeking into his room for his basket.

Shoot, it looked like yours as well – a wicker basket with a lid and linen lining inside.

“No wonder you’ve been putting your clothes in mine,” you groaned as you dragged the basket outside. “I’ll just put a label on which one’s yours and mine, okay?”

The guy nodded, opening the lid of his hamper and dumping his laundry in. “I’m sorry, Essie. This won’t happen again.”

But of course, it still happened again even if you have put labels on your baskets. Maybe that’s just the way it is with Jaehyun – you’ll always have to segregate what’s yours and his in your respective hampers.

If you only knew that he liked to put his clothes in your basket so it could mingle with the scent of yours. It’s a little bit creepy and sweet at the same time – who knew that the heartthrob has a side like this, eh?

\\\

“I can’t sleep again.”

You said, hoping your voice was loud enough for him through the wall.

“Well, we can talk if you want. Do you want to come here?”

Jaehyun answered, his voice loud enough to penetrate through the wall.

“I’m too tired to move, dude. My legs feel like jelly from bowling, which I haven’t played in ages.” You rubbed your thighs in hopes that they feel a bit better.

You heard him chuckle first before he responded to your comment. “Well, I suppose you didn’t stretch first?”

“Ugh, I forgot about that! I’ll take note of that next time. Anyway, what’s up with you?”

“I’m trying to compose something. I’m talking to you as I sit in front of my keyboard right now.”

“Do you have any chords in mind to start it off?”

“Well, here it goes,” he said, pressing a couple of chords that sounded melancholic. “That seems fitting for an emotional song,” you commented. “Have you thought about the lyrics?”

Your conversation continued even if there was a wall separating you two. Taeil wasn’t at the apartment right now as he went home to his parents. Lately, it’s always you and Jaehyun who hung out. You missed Taeil since only the two of you loved cats, and he brought Ying and Yang home.

As you and your housemate worked on a song together, you couldn’t help but feel warm inside. The AC in your room was on, but the warmth blooming inside you rendered it almost useless. It was nice talking to Jaehyun like this. You were able to collaborate on a song together even if you didn’t have to see each other’s faces.

Before you knew it, sunlight peeked in through your curtains. “Wow, dude. We’ve been talking for what, four to five hours straight? It’s now 5 in the morning.”

“Yeah, Essie. I can’t believe it as well,” he chortled. You heard the sound of a chair being moved and took it as a cue to wrap things up.

“Thanks for talking to me, Jay. And I’m glad that I was able to help you out with your composition.” You said, now lying on your bed instead of sitting on it.

“Sure thing, anything for you. Like I always say, right?” He never seemed to stop chuckling at his words, but you didn’t let it get to you for now.

“Good night, Jaehyun.”

“Good morning, Essie.”

–––

FIN

If you guessed that having warm calamansi juice while being sick is inspired by real life, then you are correct. I miss it though! 

Jamming with Mark

Ever since this Relay Cam – I know there were previous instances of him showing off his guitar-playing skills – I knew I fell in love more with Mark Lee.

I can imagine him pursuing this path in the future, and you bet that I’m going to buy his solo acoustic album. Not that I don’t support Rapper Mark, but I am so whipped for this side of him. 

Mahal ko kayong lahat! :)

–––

Summary: Essie and Mark bond over a jamming session, where feelings are left to linger with the songs he decided to play for her. In short, here’s Mark as a guitar-playing crooner and some of the songs I wish he could play. 

POV: 2nd person. 

Word count: 900 + words. Wow, this is the shortest piece so far! 

Warning: There’s not much to say, but the lyrics of some of the songs are in bold. I just want to emphasize them just because. 

Recommended listening: Oh boy, we’ve got a lot here! I’ll list all of the songs at the bottom of this page for your listening. I hope you do imagine Mark playing this too! 

–––

You always pegged Mark as an R ‘n B-kind-of-guy. You weren’t surprised when you heard him cover Justin Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ on his guitar one time.

However, when he visited your apartment after being abroad for a couple of months, you didn’t expect him to play one of your favorites.

There was tension in the air when he started strumming ‘All Flowers In Time Bend Towards the Sun’ by Jeff Buckley and Elizabeth Fraser. You felt your heartbeat loudly against your chest, and you had to put a hand over it to calm it down.

That song was heartbreakingly beautiful, and sometimes you felt guilty listening to it. The song was demo leaked after the death of Buckley, never intended for a release. It felt like a secret between two people (who were ex-lovers in real life) that you weren’t supposed to know, but there it was for everyone to listen to.

He looked at you as his signal to start singing. Fraser’s part came first, and you did your best to emulate her famous vocalization. You closed your eyes, feeling the song to the bone.

When Mark’s part came on, you heard a difference in his voice. It was a bit deeper than usual, or maybe he’s channeling some Buckley in him.

The world stopped for you once you got to the chorus of the song. It was just you and Mark on the sofa, eyes locked on each other.

“All flowers in time bend towards the sun, I know you say that there’s no one for you, but here is one.”

As you repeat the lines over and over, you noticed that both of you were moving closer to each other.

Before you knew it, the song was done, and you felt breathless. You noticed Mark was audibly breathing as if the song was too heavy for him to sing.

“Wow Mark, I can’t believe you know this song,” you said, breaking the silence.

“Well, I’ve been listening to your playlist for the past few days,” he said, still a bit breathless.

Your eyes locked on each other again, and you felt your cheeks burn at how embarrassed you were feeling right now. You didn’t want Mark to feel that, so you continued to stare into his eyes, and you noticed that there was a glimmer in his.

“Want me to play another song?” His hands slid back to the strings of his guitar, and he steadied himself on the couch.

“Okay, show me what else you learned how to play,” you said, leaning your back on a pillow.

“It feels like I only go backwards, baby, every part of me says go ahead…” You weren’t expecting him to sing another heartbreaking song from your playlist.

He was now playing the most known Tame Impala song (‘Feels Like We Only Go Backwards’) that has been covered by many artists, but his version sounds similar to Alex Turner’s (of Arctic Monkeys fame).

You shut your eyes and let his playing calm you. Despite your attempts to feel chill, the lyrics bothered you a bit. It felt like he was singing it to you as a message.

To be honest, you weren’t completely honest with your feelings for him. He might be younger than you, but he expressed his desire to be with you. He declared, in front of your best friends Johnny and Key, that he will wait for you.

You felt that you were sending him mixed signals. There were times that you reciprocated his sweetness, and there were instances that you ignored them. He was a sweet kid, but the age gap made you feel uncomfortable.

Once he was done singing, you opened your eyes and saw that he looked concerned.

“Essie noona, why are you crying?”

You didn’t notice it until you felt the collar of your sweatshirt damp with tears. You wiped them away and looked away from him.

“Did I do something wrong?” You noticed that he moved closer, but he was hesitant to touch you.

“No, it’s just…me, being dramatic as always,” you said softly, wiping away all your tears. You didn’t mind if your eyes were a bit red, he has seen you in a worse state than this.

“Aw, don’t say that,” he said, and now he held your hand. You let him, and you were bold enough to let your fingers intertwine with each other. “Thank you Marky, you’ve always been kind to me.”

You shared shy smiles before he kissed your hand. You squeezed his in response before you let it go. It was calloused from all the guitar playing, but it felt warm.

“Do you want me to play another song again?” This time, he asked his question with only a few centimeters gap between you two.

“If you have been indeed listening to my playlist, can you play anything from the ‘Submarine’ soundtrack?” You replied with a smirk on your face, hoping this will challenge him.

It took him a moment to play something, as he was remembering the starting chords of the songs. When he found the one he was going to play, he faced you confidently and started playing ‘Stuck in the Puzzle’.

It felt fitting once more, and you didn’t feel attacked by it. You gave him a thumbs-up, and he continued singing, his emotions showing with each line.

“Fingers dimming the light like you’re used to being told that you’re trouble,” he looked at you for a moment before staring at the guitar again, “And I spent all night, stuck on the puzzle…”

You leaned your head on the sofa and looked at him adoringly. You loved moments like these with Mark – bonding over your love for music and discovering new artists to listen to.

How you wish things weren’t complicated with you liking a lot of guys, your best friend Johnny included…

–––

FIN