In The Theatre Foyer, Feb 6 '24

in the theatre foyer, feb 6 '24

fifty minutes until that play will be perfomed again. quite the whole team is here to help. we haven't perfomed it in almost a year, it requires special technical efforts.

a. just arrived and brought me the high heels i had left at his place a few weeks ago. he had a quick chat with me in the foyer, some guests were already waiting and t. the theatre director was around, so i felt rather uncomfortable. in general, i don't like how most of our colleagues know abour our affair, or what they think is a relationship. i guess a. himself believes this is a relationship. he had just been granted a few days off in march, which he will spend to come visit me in nyc. actually, his mother will be around stopping in the city during her cruise and all of us three will sleep in one hotel room. i find people that do cruises incredibly abhorrent. n.'s, an ex, parents were big fans of cruises as well. i have come to the point where i consider this a red flag. in general, a. is a walking red flag.

his purpose in life is to be an actor and i like his passion for theatre. i mean, i more specifically like the fact that he is passionate for *something* and has managed to make it is occupation. other than that, he is a complete child. spends around 500 euros a month purely for weed, his diet is ridicilously unhealthy, he does not do any sports at all, he has no etiquette whatsoever and probably is the most irresponsible person i know. i am more revolted by him than attracted to him. the only reason i enjoy his company is the fact that i feel protected by him, in a physical way. i also like to be together with one of the actors. often i feel somewhat like a spy, i want to know all the inside knowledge, all the details. i like to know things and to be involved. i feel like i use him but i don't feel too guilty about it.

early morning torture&waffles with ice cream

i woke up at 6:30am with no alarm today! what a great success. b. unfortunately also woke up because i made a little noise and he started complaining... i am so looking forward to living on my own for those two weeks soon.

for a short moment i contemplated whether to keep sleeping, take my laptop and sit in the lounge or go for a ride. i luckily finally decided for the latter knowing how satisfied i would be with myself if i went for an early morning bike ride.

getting ready as quietly and quickly as possible whilst b. was complaining i completely underestimated the weather outside and dressed too lightly. though the sky was blue and the sun was shining it was as cold as never before during my stay. having left the dorm at 7am i had no choice going back though.

the first half of the ride was fine, but my chain was dirty which was slowing me down. at some point i was tired of that and realised i just could not go as far as the other days when i decided to return. and from then on it was just such a torture! me feet and body were frozen. eventually i had to get off the bike and just walk and revive my feet, i was in so much pain. the weather and atmosphere were absolutely wonderful though. i met some people that greeted me in a friendly way, which i always very appreciate, and heard birds that i had not heard before in europe. what i find weird though: on the trail that i ride nature just sometimes is so stinky, in ways i have never smelled before.

i only ended up riding around 20 miles and at 9am i had made it back to the city where i decided to go to one of my favourite cafés for getting warm. i was literally shivering. and the funniest part: i was not wearing a bra and only a turtle neck with my light sports jacket. b. being annoying i did not want to enter his room again only for my bra and i did not expect many people out on the street so i didn't really care. only until i was at this café i realised that my nipples were very much visible and apparently that in america it's not that common to not wear bras?? i don't know but the girl serving me treated me a bit weird like i was homeless or something?? it's funny how prude they are. but yeah it was amusing to have all eyes on me lol. but i was so seriously shivering and hurt actually that i could have also not cared less.

around 9:30 i just had to head home, having tried to reach b. multiple times with no success i knew he was still sleeping and the only possibility of getting in was throwing sticks at his window again, which of course made him angry. i had to endure his stupid scolding about how i destroyed his sleep and how i was so loud bla bla bla. totally unjustified. he at some point left for the office, i showered got into cozy cloths and slept from 10 to 12.

when i woke up b. had apparently regretted being mean to me once again, had excused for treating me that way and had proposed going for brunch in a dining hall. which we did at 12:30. the first thing i ate was a warm waffle with ice cream - just a wonderful treat after this horrible torture.

after brunch we went went to his office, i got busy with browsing on the internet and once again was not productive. at 4pm we went to barnes&noble to get a note pad for him and i meant to look for a better sports jacket (those cool bicycle ones where you have a pocket on your back). but unfortunately they were doing inventory in the women's section, so it was blocked. whatever.

ever since we have been back in his office. i have "my own" desk here, since his colleague literally never comes to work here. b. has just finished editing an article he has been writing for 6 months and is sending it to his editor for the final proofread. i have just published a post in a bicycle group of this city looking for something like an accountability buddy. those people doing their regular group rides just seem so professional and intimidating. all of them are middle aged white man, no young girl with a semi good bike and absolutely no gear whatsoever like me. i mean, i don't even have lights on that bike!!

we were supposed to go out with f. today, which neither of us was in the mood for. and good news: f. himself cancelled the thing. it's half past six now and i am just tired and too lazy to even leave the office. i'll either go to the library at some point and force myself to be productive or we just go home.

tomorrow i hope to again wake up early, maybe go for a ride, then i will audit two classes, will hopefully be productive and in the evening go for dinner with js. when doing the latter i really want to directly ask him "why do you keep meeting me?" (it will be our third time meeting each other), and: "i feel like you are not interested in me". he is too precious for me to already give up on him! i am pretty sure there is more to him, he might just be a tough nut to crack... at least i feel this urge to "fix him", he seems to have so much potential to be a good... well a good whatever. me being here only for one more month of course i cannot seriously be looking for a boyfriend, but maybe a long distance fling kinda thing. especially if i get back here in summer sometime.

not allowed to write

lobby of the law school's dorm, 12:49am 22nd Feb.

i am living with b. in america until april. f., his suitemate, had initially given me an airmattress to sleep on, but it kept defloating and additionally to that, b. complained about the noise that occured everytime i moved. that's why i decided to simply sleep on the carpet floor.

b.'s bed would be big enough to have me sleeping in it as well actually. in the past we had been sleeping together in a single bed. but now he thinks it's kind enough of him to even let me live with him, which is kind of right. still i find it cruel to let me sleep on the floor like this. in fact today, i woke up with a headache because my head hadn't rested well.

so, it is "bed time now". as a last conversation before sleeping and after coming home from dinner with his friends, that of course i wasn't invited to, b. asked me why i couldn't stay longer than until april. i told him my semester was beginning then, to which he replied "well missing a few days of the semester won't be too bad". and there the whole evening went downhill.

i told him how disappointed i am by this statement of his because i know for sure that he himself would never allow himself to miss any days of work or back when he was a student of university. instead me, i am in my second year of studies but have missed most of it seriously. most of it because i was not disciplined enough, decided to travel instead or was probably just too depressed. i am not diagnosed officially but i know there is something very wrong with me.

so i told him how self centered his statement was, because it implies that my university work/career is less important than his. i told him how he thinks i would ever make it as far as he did if i never ever manage to be disciplined for once. and that i wan't to try better and seriously get things done in the following semester for once, especially because this semester i again only managed to write one exam.

to this he again very inconsiderately asked "well why did you only write one exam?!", when i had planned to write 5. i said "do you really want to know?" to which he agreed... so i told him that shortly before i wanted to study for the first two exams i was raped and from then on things went worse and i just was never able again to put my ass down and discipline myself, instead distracted myself.

his first reaction to my answer was "where did you get to know him from", i told him it was through bumble, but i only intended to meet him in a friendly way that evening. to this he simply shrugged his shoulders...

i complained to him and asked what that was supposed to mean and why he only asked that question. i told him how it makes it seem like it was my fault meeting people through dating apps and getting raped. he said this was just my interpretation of it and not his intention. i tried to explain to him that sometimes it certainly is not only about intention, but it is about what one's action has lead to in the other person. and that instead of discussing with him about how he did nothing wrong asking this question and him being all defensive making that whole conversation about himself, i really would rather recieve some empathy and understanding to what happened to me. to this again he only kept defending himself not even trying to console me.

i couldn't believe to what that conversation had turned again. how it's me being the one at fault, him defending himself making it seem like i am just too sensitive, when actually he had made me talk about two extremly vulnerable topics right before i wanted to sleep. made me cry even and instead of acknowledging my emotions, had only tried to defend himself. and the worst of it all: after having retraumatised me, making me all worried and my thoughts busy, he really had the audacity to turn off the light and demand quietness.

i really couldn't believe it. i told him how egocentric he was being. how hurt i was and lonely i felt. he told me to be quiet and sleep.

of course i could not sleep, i at least have to write my thoughts down. have to complain to somebody. i attempted to grab my laptop and leave the room. to which he stopped me saying it was "quiet time" now. basically i am not allowed to leave the room when he sleeps because his sleep is so light that when i enter the room he instantly wakes up, no matter how quiet i am.

so i told him i was going to the toilet. he asked what i needed the laptop for. i said he shouldn't mind. he told me that he wants to talk to me and made me go back into his room. i had a short moment of hope, wishing he would show some understanding, find some consoling words for me to be able to calm down and sleep.

but no - he gave me a lecture of having to be quiet once again. i told him he was crazy for making me have a bad mood, making me cry and my thoughts busy like that and then simply expecting me to quietly sleep. i took my laptop, left his room and am now sitting in the little lobby space in his corridor.

what strucks me most about those interactions is how he fails to show any kind of sympathy or consoling. when i was sitting crying quietly, breaking inside from knowing that i am so alone, knowing that he cannot even grasp what mental state he had put me into, the only thing he mannaged to say what how beautiful i was...

he who in this conversation has boasted himself of having studied criminal law for 18 years, claiming of being aware what victim blaming was well enough when i had told him that what he was doing was exactly that. he who indeed is busy with those things professionally. he cannot even show a bit of understaning or sympathy for a girl that was once his girlfriend sitting on his floor quietly crying?

how alone and unjustly treated i feel just once again by a man.

a hopeful delusional girl

walking to the restaurant from the dorm with the key that opens doors at the law school i realised i was living a delusional young girl's ideal life.

i am best friends with my ex who looks like ted mosby, my absolute childhood crush, and who is an assistant professor at the world's top law school, but who with me behaves like a silly teenage girl, who is aware and now even seems okay with me meeting other guys casually. i am studying what i am interested in, i have travelled through europe and have almost a world wide network of friends, am in two cool organisations that i have somewhat of power in, have some lovers who fuck me well, some friends who like the same stupid/nihilistic/absurd memes as i do, some crushes who i can dream of and long for and a job in the cultural industry that i meet cool people at. for me this is almost the peak of girlhood. i enjoy being silly, studying and engaging myself in everything that i can. i should at some point be more disciplined, but i will do that eventually.

it can only get better if i will finally be hired my my university as a research assistant, have a circle of friends that are artsy and passionate, can be very sure not to have to worry about my accomondation for the rest of my studies back home and if i will finally manage to wake up early mornings and be less active on insta.

see, i really don't want too much, do i? at this point, i am just hopeful. 15 year old me dreamt of the life i am living right now :)

making myself useful at the law school

when sitting at "my desk", b. at some point ordered me to make myself useful by reading out aloud the 36 page paper that was supposed to be sent in today.

so i stopped browsing nonsense in this endless loophole that is the internet and moved my chair to his desk to get started with this ordeal.

his text is of a theoretical nature on religious law. of course it is full of concepts and jargons i don't have any clue of. nevertheless, and of course that does not make me unable to critize syntax, choice of words or spelling mistakes. co-working with him was great fun! i managed to make him aware of some important mistakes, he even added additional paragraphs and complimented my attention to detail and good suggestion of words to use. he said i should really be hired as a research assistant or editor sooner or later. i appreciate this feedback a lot - especially knowing that he is very genuine in it. and i mean, he must know holding a phd and being hired by this uni...

(ofc when writing here i don't think about what i write too much but rather care about things being captured. and obviously i make certain conscious mistakes. a second step would be actually caring about how i express myself in a more poetic or precise way. for that to be possible i really first need to empty my brains out all of those thoughts and stories i have - hence: "rambling"!!)

in the past i have really assisted him quite much. last year his two big projects were to finally publish his monograph with oxford university press and to be the host of an international academic conference in his field. i was involved in everything as much as one could be involved really. not only did i know every detail of the procedures, but for the conference also researched scholars we could invite as keynotes. it turned out to be a great success, we invited 10 very known professors for a three day conference. the only but rather big bummer: people at our "home university" especially the two institutes that were affected by this topic for some reason could not have cared less about the conference. even though the invited guests are literally world famous scholars on that field. that's why the conference though it was open for public had only less than 20 participants. well, b. had always complained how this institution was just too ungrateful, unaware and simply not progressive enough. his hypothesis was clearly proven right since the uni that did actually appreciate and value his contributions and stances is one of the world's best.

i am very happy to have him as my friend and to have been able to involve myself in his work so much. not many (undergraduate) students even have a comparable extent of insight that i have already had to the academic world. and not just insight, but also contribution! of course, i myself am nowhere of an excellent student (yet!!) and have not published papers myself (yet!!), but i have this perspective that is a driving force for me. the classes i am auditing here are based by the very people whose works my lectures at home are based on. it is an incredible driving force of motivation for me to experience the community that academia actually is. many students are bored by dry concepts and ideas, maybe learn names of authors by heart or don't even care about them. but here i get the chance to actually meet some of them! and meet students that view themselves as the future of academia. many students back home don't even have this self perception or claim of their ideas potentially mattering or developing broad horizons of interest&research. unfortunately many people i study with just want to get done with their degrees, at least that's how i experienced it.

and what is also great to observe here: people here might be considered the elite, but somehow certain dynamics are the same everywhere. sitting among those students, taking part in their seminars i do not feel as if they were absolute genuises, no they simply just take what they do more serious than students back home (e.g. they actually! read the texts assigned or actually ask questions). the way they talk and think is no (t much) different than the way i talk and think. it calms me down and motivates me to be less tentative and actually believe in myself. it should not be my ultimate goal to someday make it here as well, but to actually grasp somewhat of an understanding of the things i study and will specify in.

today - cold&hurt

woke up rather early but decided to sleep longer. body hurt from yesterday's accident (the side of my leg had turned completely blue...) and when b. went to office, wanted to lie in bed some time for a change...

got up and ready very slowly, went to our favourite dining hall together for lunch, b. invited me. lunch wasn't the best though. but whatever.

decided to ditch the class of the professor i adore so much just because i did not want to show up late (we stayed in the dining hall for too long).

instead went to one of the nice cafés and had my daily overpriced coffee... (bad habit!). did nothing productive unfortunately.

eventually visited b. in his office, annoyed him a bit, decided to go home, change my cloths into my sport outfit and just go for a ride again, so that in the end of the day i at least have one thing to feel good about myself.

ended up riding for almost 27 miles. it was a good ride, even though in the beginning i had problems with my bike's chain - at home i have a fixed gear bike which i love a lot, so i am not used to having to deal with gears. i went as far as literally currently possible. the trail i always ride on is so long, it eventually leads to another state. riding the whole thing would take me like 8.5 hours. well, unfortunately i had to turn around when the trail was too icey, i certainly did not want to slip again. also, it was just too dark and my phone died. i saw some deer. they were so big, everything here is so thick, also the robin birds i saw today. unbelievable.

i eventually got home, f. spotted me trying to catch b.'s attention waving at him through the window in order to be let inside the dorm.

not much happened afterwards, i had some bad discussions (some would call it fight) with b. i showered, took care of my hair and now i am sitting in this empty classroom, b. watches a movie.

even though i have not been productive at all i am happy for two reasons: i feel relativly physically tired and exhausted, which does not happen too often. i just have too much energy... and the other:

tomorrow evening i am going out with js.!! i am so excited, we will go for drinks. though i am not sure how i am supposed to get back home in the night (not having keys to this dorm), i really don't want to worry about that now. i just want to have a good time with him and get to know him more. i am crushing so hard on him. unfortunately he is one of the very!! few people i was not able to stalk anything about. i have his first name (which is rather uncommon), the uni he went to, know his mother's and his occupation - but that's it. normally that would be more than enough, but since he does not use social media and apparently is just a rather private person in general i wasn't able to... i could not stop looking at the pictures he used on bumble, but i long for more information on him!

i am looking forward so much.