Today - Cold&hurt

today - cold&hurt

woke up rather early but decided to sleep longer. body hurt from yesterday's accident (the side of my leg had turned completely blue...) and when b. went to office, wanted to lie in bed some time for a change...

got up and ready very slowly, went to our favourite dining hall together for lunch, b. invited me. lunch wasn't the best though. but whatever.

decided to ditch the class of the professor i adore so much just because i did not want to show up late (we stayed in the dining hall for too long).

instead went to one of the nice cafés and had my daily overpriced coffee... (bad habit!). did nothing productive unfortunately.

eventually visited b. in his office, annoyed him a bit, decided to go home, change my cloths into my sport outfit and just go for a ride again, so that in the end of the day i at least have one thing to feel good about myself.

ended up riding for almost 27 miles. it was a good ride, even though in the beginning i had problems with my bike's chain - at home i have a fixed gear bike which i love a lot, so i am not used to having to deal with gears. i went as far as literally currently possible. the trail i always ride on is so long, it eventually leads to another state. riding the whole thing would take me like 8.5 hours. well, unfortunately i had to turn around when the trail was too icey, i certainly did not want to slip again. also, it was just too dark and my phone died. i saw some deer. they were so big, everything here is so thick, also the robin birds i saw today. unbelievable.

i eventually got home, f. spotted me trying to catch b.'s attention waving at him through the window in order to be let inside the dorm.

not much happened afterwards, i had some bad discussions (some would call it fight) with b. i showered, took care of my hair and now i am sitting in this empty classroom, b. watches a movie.

even though i have not been productive at all i am happy for two reasons: i feel relativly physically tired and exhausted, which does not happen too often. i just have too much energy... and the other:

tomorrow evening i am going out with js.!! i am so excited, we will go for drinks. though i am not sure how i am supposed to get back home in the night (not having keys to this dorm), i really don't want to worry about that now. i just want to have a good time with him and get to know him more. i am crushing so hard on him. unfortunately he is one of the very!! few people i was not able to stalk anything about. i have his first name (which is rather uncommon), the uni he went to, know his mother's and his occupation - but that's it. normally that would be more than enough, but since he does not use social media and apparently is just a rather private person in general i wasn't able to... i could not stop looking at the pictures he used on bumble, but i long for more information on him!

i am looking forward so much.

the theatre

in september of 2021 i moved from my home town to the city i study in.

the first three months are a chapter i shall dedicate it's own post to. in general it is to be explained that for one year i did not actually study, i was only enrolled in uni for enjoying the benefits of being a student (it was because i had missed an important deadline to apply to the course i actually wanted to do). early 2022 my life consisted of living in this wonderful dormitory, working three jobs at the same time and indulging myself into the cultural life of the city as much as possible.

it is one of those student benefits that we can go to the theatre for free, which i really made use of going to the theatre up to 4 times a week. we have about 3 main theatres in this city. the theatre i am talking about is a relativley small (at least compared to the city theatre) private theatre. small in this case describing the ensemble, which only consits of 15 actors in total, 8 of which are under a fulltime contract, the rest just being occasional guest actors.

though the ensemble is small, the repertoire is big, diverse, ever changing and very interesting. this season we are performing 21 different plays! this makes it very popular, even more popular than the big city theatre.

the combination of those factors made it very attractive to me. it felt homey from the beginning on. it made me want to read up on every detail and background information i could get my hands on. i started looking up the actors' backgrounds and read and collected the little booklets they have accompanying each play. this went on until summer, until they went on break. after their break i only went occasionally and in most of 2023 i had kind of forgotten about it, having too many things to do and basically travelling all the time.

in september 2023 though, shortly before i returned back to europe from america i was sitting in this bakery thinking about how my life needs to change when i get back. actually starting the course that i wanted to study in october 2022, i had told myself to want to focus on studying and quit the jobs i had that time. but i ran out of money eventually and really needed a new job. and on that rainy late summer morning in the crowded bakery that reminded me of the bakeries in europe i had the idea to apply to the theatre. they did not officially look for a person, but literally just 5 minutes after i had sent my application i already got an answer inviting me to an interview. my now superior later asked me how i could have possibly known they are looking for somebody and said how my timing was just perfect. he himself, his name is m., had only started at the theatre in september. he is the assistant to the director and the main person handling the bureaucratic issues.

the theatre team consits of following groups of people: the actors obviously, the director and his assistant m., the dramaturgy, the pr, the stage tech guys, the constume people, the restaurateur and the ticket sellers&inspectors, latter group i belong to. we are about 60 people, but on a daily basis you encounter the same 15 people more or less.

it is the ideal job for me who is passionate about literature and theatre and likes to interact with people. almost every time i am working our guests compliment my friendliness or the way i consult them about which play they should watch for example. and it's true, if i want to i can be very charismatic and i definitely know how to make use of that talent... but honestly, this is what i expect us as the main people who our guests get to interact with to be like. unfortunately my colleagues do not seem to share this view, since often they are rude and harsh for no reason. which makes me cringe a lot. but is also a chance for me to stand out. in this rather small town you do not meet people only once, but will eventually encounter them again. therefore it is always good to firstly know and remember people and secondly for them to have a good opinion about you. so far, this kind of thinking has literally given me a job i had once, made it possible for me to be in the us right now or to live with the old gentleman without paying rent.

...

the job itself turning out to be fairly easy and relaxed, i made it my mission to involve myself with as many things i shouldn't be involved in as only a ticket seller as i could. i would for example befriend the stage tech people and spend much time backstage or help the restaurateur as a waitress from time to time when i have nothing else to do. i always see the theatre as a side quest and want to involve myself in some drama (without being negativly affected from it though, but rather just a bystander or spy-like figure). for that i really wanted to get involved with some guys at the theatre. there were several more or less possible candidates:

ja.: one of the stage tech guys, 33, a nerd really, always rather quiet, tall, grunge styled, playing the piano very well. our encounters always being akward but charged with a certain tension... but unfortunately in a relationship;

jü.: his father, one of the fulltime actors, about 65, divorced, very handsome, tall, giving androgynous vibes, with an almost intimidating way of carrying himself, always leaves social gatherings first, an incredible dancer and singer and in general just the ideal lana-del-rey-core strict daddy;

pa.: also around thirty, stage tech guy as well, bit nerdy and chill, just a fun guy, but kinda boring;

m.: around 34, my superior, well educated but kind of confused, fun and dirty minded. but in a longterm relationship;

a.: fulltime actor, 29, chubby in a dad bod way, into alt fashion, stoner, mama's boy, flirty and extravagant, a loud personality really, into partying and drugs much, very much of an idiot and child, but also just a kind and gentle guy., and most importantly: single and therefore obtainable!

the event i had most looked forward to as a chance for drama was the theatre's internal christmas celebration on december 18th. i had even bought a dress for that purpose, it is the red one in this collage. the procedure of things was following: all of us were gathering in the foyer where we also have a small stage. On there several actors and staff members had perfomed christmas themed texts, plays or music pieces. after that was done everybody recieved their christmas money one after the other, handed personally by our main sponsor (one of those many very rich people living in the town). Then, the buffet was opened. everybody was quick to take food, chat a bit with their group of peopple (always only exactly the group of people they themselves belonged to) and then, very soon most people had left.

i was disappointed. i expected there to be possibilites of each groups of people to mix and get to know each other, but nobody seemed interested in that at all. the two highlights keeping people there were the money and the food. non surpringly somehow.

it was only one person who had somewhat made an effort of "putting himself out there". it was a. who sat at the table of the ticket sellers. most of all of us (we are about 8 people) are students that other than this job would have nothing to do with theatre, nor need to have any training for the job that we do, therefore we are always rather outsiders. but yes, a. being by far the youngest of the actors probably felt weird and bored to sit with the 35-70 year old people. i strategically sat down next to him. wearing a parfume i had bought shortly before that i really like and had gotten many compliments for. i was drinking one glass of red wine after the other (yes, alcohol was for free as well!) which itself was great fun for me. he was drinking beer, behaving exactly like the kind of chav the he looks like he is. during the ceremony he commented on things, laughed and applauded loudly. i myself like leaving cynical or naughty comments or references on things, and so i did. we basically were the only people really enjoying ourselves, sitting next to each other we soon began on joking together, it was great fun.

eventually the ceremony had ended, everybody recieved their money, ate some food and most of the staff left. it was only some of the actors and a few of the ticket sellers and the directors and their assistants left. we gathered to dance and drink more. typically i am not a party girl at all, but as it is with everybody, things change after a certain number of drinks.

unfortunately that day nothing else happened. at some point even some of us left and i got bored and felt akward. i just decided to quietly sneak out and walk home rather disappointed.

the melodramatic bitch i am i kept on listening to "margaret" by lana del rey even days after that. the line "the party is december 18" and "when you know you know" kind of fed my delusions of disappointed hope. my longing for excitement had one seemingly last chance left: new year's eve...

two boring dates, overpriced drinks&"gyro"

js. is a pain in the ass. how can one have so beautifully alluring eyes and yet be so dull. i want to violently shake this boy until he tells me what's wrong with him.

i was just so excited for our date in that pub. and it started great: of course we did not have a reservation... i mean, how naive of him to think we could just show up. well, they were booked for the whole night and we simply walked around the corner to some other establishment. it wasn't something special, it was too loud and the drinks were expensive. i had pinned my hopes on this night and the fact that we were consuming alcohol together. but yet again i had to find myself in the role of an entertainer. i was talking, blatantly oversharing and sometimes i really couldn't even think of anything else to say. i even tried testing how long he would endure me not taking initiative in talking. and unfortunately it was long, he would simply stay quiet and be akward. it was horrible. when i was talking i observed his eyes browsing on and off of that woman that was sitting behind me - blond and around thirty. it made me really sad.

i never find myself to not be enough for a boy. i mean the kind of men i like really always like me back (they don't always want a relationship with me like y., but they are generally attracted to me and like to engage in conversation with me). i think for the first time i felt if i was too boring for him, not pretty enough, but just too much of who i was. seriously, i don't understand him. he cannot be thattt shy. why would he meet me if he had no interest in me whatsoever. i really wanted to break down and just cry in front of him.

i made us leave this bar and wanted to go to another one, a more cozy and quiet one. this city not beeing too big and at some point i guess rather boring really, there was no good alternative. so we ended up going to a bar that was much much louder and much less cozy. i paid the ten dollars of entrance fee for both of us, he invited me to a beer worth of 9 dollars - from a european perspective the latter is just ridicolous!!!! well anyway, we sat down and it happened like it always happens to me when i get drunk: i get in a happy and silly mood. i wanna be carefree and silly. instead, this boy keeps being the depressed chap he is. i just had overshared most details of my life already and now really wanted to get to know him so i questioned him about his past, present and future. about his father who is a drug addict, lives in nyc and whom he is not in touch with. about his sister in law's and his brother's plans, about his hobbies, about what he spends his money on, about how his daily life looks like, about his ex girlfriend. it was like pulling teeth.

i already mentioned how b. had told me i was supposed to be back home at midnight. sitting in this noisy bar at some point i checked the time and sitting there and then it was already past midnight. at that point i though "fuck it, let's see what happens, it cannot get worse". after we had finished our second beers i proposed to go for a walk in a neighbourhood i lived in in september of last year. walking there through downtown we crossed the scene of a crime that apparently had happened shortly before. there were like 20 police cars and plenty people on the street. i found it funny. finally some excitement!

not much to say about the walk, it was just boring and cold. even though i just love walking next to men when i am drunk, especially when they are taller than me. i love them caring for me a bit and me not having to worry for once. but as one could already guess, i did not feel that safe with him.

we reached his car that surprisingly had tinted windows at around 3am. he kindly drove me around the corner to the law school dorm. my phone was dead and i was lost. how could i get into the dorm? i had only then told him how i was supposed to be back home at midnight and how i now don't know what to do. i had not told him earlier because to be honest the whole time i hoped he would invite me to his home. i knew he lives with his mother but i thought he would find a way to sneak me in maybe. nobody has ever anybody denied me sleeping at their place, especially not when i was drunk. instead of finding a way to sneak me inside his home, he looked up hostels in the city!! this was like the worst insult to me ever. i mean, i would have even been happy sleeping in his car with him. but you don't enjoy my presence that much as to even consider me sleeping in a hostel?? (ofc one can also interpret it in a nice and caring way, he just wanted to help, but in that moment i could not grasp that he does not use the opportunity of having a drunk girl in his car, how stupid can he get? (maybe my thoughts are too sick, i don't know)).

i was lost of words and told him i'd find a way and just wanted to leave his car already. my idea was to throw stones at b.'s window. and after a few attempts, he actually woke up! so i went up to js. waiting in his car (which was very considerate and kind) and thanked him for waiting. b. was mad of course, but he let me inside and just went to sleep. what a horrible horrible night!

...

the next morning b. was cold and petty for a long time. we had some fight, but i don't want to go into details. both of us had waken up late and spend the afternoon at home. shortly before 3pm i was finally getting ready, b. was curious what for. i told him i was meeting people. he again was weirded out. anway i went and we agreed to meet at 6 for him to give me the key, because he would join his friend's birthday party in the evening.

i had arranged this date with this boy hs., thirty-ish and a self proclaimed mad scientist. and god how i could already tell by how he was chatting that we would definitely not vibe! he was boring, has no passions, no interest other than his work, no humour, no sense for sassiness and irony, just dull. but unlike js. not even attractive or charming. he was a kind and nice guy for sure, but come on, being nice is not enough if i have to carry the conversations. well anyway, he invited me for what was my breakfast, that was kind and made me happy. at some point a turkish couple sat next to us which irritated me a lot. hs. is turkish and i understand a bit. i could not concentrate on the conversation with him anymore and made us sit outside. there i told him how i was interested in turkish language, culture and music which pleasantly surprised him. throughout our "date" he kept repeating how surprsing certain knowledge or interests of mine were. duh, i hear this a lot. but he could not deal with that at all. instead of suggesting me some books to read, movies to watch, or songs to listen to in order to deepen my understsanding of turkish culture he just kept repeating how surprised he was. he was the typical natural scientist! they mostly are not in touch with things outside of their little bubble - the exception being y. who is incredibly knowledgable and cultured, which of course is the only reason i want him in my life.

i was getting to tired and lead our walk that we eventually went on towards the law school in order to say bye to hs. and hello to b. on our walk i spotted a little cute puppy called judie. the owner let me pet her. that was the only nice thing to happen.

i said bye to hs. diplomatically, really i should recieve an award how well of an actress i can be sometimes. went around the corner to stand in front of b.'s office's window and wave at him to open the door for me. he was like a different person compared to how he was before i left. apparently he had actually considered my words and changed his views towards me and my casual dates. and this is what i love b. for! he is genuine and mature (at least sometimes). i was open about abusing those guys only for drinks&food in front of b. in the morning he was still very skeptical and rather judgemental about it. but in the evening he kind of even hyped me up for that, which i liked. there being trust between us again i had told him how disappointing the night before was and how frustrated i was. i don't remember his reaction though. but we ended up being happy and silly together. b. really is just one of us silly girls most of the time. before he knew me he was a bit boring, he wouldn't even know what memes were - now, he cannot stop reciting certain memes and videos and sometimes sits in silence and suddenly laughs out loud about a meme he was thinking about. he's funny. and he had thanked me for that silly influence in his life. we can joke around a lot together which we kept doing for the rest of the evening.

right now i am sitting in an empty class room of the law school and he is at this party. from time to time he sneaks to the toilet to chat with me about how he hates certain girls there that keep filming themselves and other people dancing. i love his passionate hatred for them.

before coming to the law school again, i had gone to this famour restaurant on campus in order to try their "gyro" which b. had urged me to. of course i had gyros before, but never the american version of it. i ordered and sat down in a booth to wait. i sat below a framed and signed picture of george bush and the tie he had worn the day he ate at this restaurant. whilst that "girls just wanna have fun" was on the radio and i felt like in a movie. i really guess most presidents have come there before. it's a legendary restaurant of this ivy league university. the staff was chill and nice. it was the prime american moment lol.

i got back to the law school lounge to eat the gyro which was satisfactory, and later looked for an empty room to write in. i have been listening to the third waltz of brahm's opus 39 for the past hour on repeat.

the first week

my alarm had rung at 6:15, i must have looked out of the window, had seen the fresh snow and decided to continue sleeping. it was for an early morning bike ride that i was so excited the evening before. the snow making that rather impossible. 

finally, i woke up at 10, getting ready rather slowly but excited for the “date” i had planned. it was with d., a transman i had chatted well with on bumble. i asked him to go to this bin sale and the thrift shop i had recently discovered. at exactly 11am i stood in the line in front of the store but could not see him anywhere. the doors were opened, people excitedly rushed inside. i decided to wait for him, not being able to reach him my phone having no internet. i waited for 15 minutes in the snow, it was akward everybody who went inside looked at me weirdly. 

at some point i myself was too excited to go and did not want to wait in the cold anymore. it was unfortunate, i was looking forward much. i think i have never gotten stood up like this, but i didn’t want this to destroy the experience for me, it might also just have been a misunderstanding. it was fun indeed, i was sweating quickly. when digging through the bins next to all the others, mostly ladies, i at some random point got the ick. why am i looking for cloths that i dont even need, just because they are cheap? i would have to carry all of it back to my home country. i eventually found some pieces that were somewhat cute and i wanted to take with me. if i didnt fill it to the top the few pieces i liked would have been rather expensive, the bag costing 13 dollars. it got me questioning this useless consumption a bti. but not too much as to have stopped myself from contiuing. i wanted to have had this experience for once, just for the sake of it. 

around noon i was done, i had my bag of cloths for about 11 euros, but now hunger in my stomach. i went around the corner with the intention to go to the one café/bakery that gets closest to european bakeries. on my way there I had observed two guys coming out of this bagel shop. i had gone there in summer when looking for a coffee place, so i didn’t end up ordering. One of those students was saying “god how i love this place” to the other. this was enough to convince me to finally give it a shot being a huge bagel addict. 

I waited in line and was guided by this overly friendly and open guy who was prepared for people like me whose “first time” it was ordering there. I am always inspired by this friendly way of american service, they just make you feel good. It feels like an episode of truman show, everybody has little chit chats with another, you get to know some people without even trying to. some find it shallow or annoying. but why does every transactional relationship need to be harsh, fast and unpersonal? 

holding my warm bagel in one hand, the thrifted bag in the other i walked towards the café finally. it felt homey, welcoming and warm. i stood behind in line this tall elegant boy. when he ordered i directly realised he was from my country, one can just always tell. we had eye contact, he turned around twice as if just by looking at me he could also tell. i orderd my cappucino, surprinsgly they spelled my name corectly, the only free spot was the one right in front of him and who seems to be his girlfriend. definitely both of them are students, he studies music, probably a director to be. he is being rather obnoxuious about the fact that he is working on some sheet music, penetrantly gesturing the tempi and emphsasis just in this moment. well, why am i always in other people’s business?! 

i drank my cappunico, tried to call b., i only reached his answer machine, then called my mother to check up on several things amongst which was the health of my horse (i had a very bad dream about her recently), but everything was fine. i had also made that call to signal the boy that i could speak his language. increasing the tension that had already been between us before, i just love playing those idiotic games with strangers - i am just horrible. i wanted to check my mails, but soon realised that i had forgotten that they don’t have wifi here, which was the reason i stopped going here in summer. luckily i had a book with me i had bought in that fancy book palace at our last weekend’s trip. it is called “against white feminism”, i read chapter 4 listening to music trying to not be annoyed by this boy.

always being hyper aware of my sorroundings and being able to remember faces quickly i realised that one boy i had encountered in the dorm was here, as well as: hl. whose class i had attended last thursday for the first time. she is a famous political theorist. she is sitting opposite to me at the same table. she is just amazing, dressed in a pink cardigan, on her phone that has a pink case, a baguette on the table and a big book on political economy. she is all i ever want to be. i just love this city and the fact you encounter those famous professors casually like this. of course, they are humans as well, but incredibly knowledgable, educated ans passionate. 

she is calling somebody on the phone now and i will keep pretentiously reading this actually amazing book. hoping she will recognize me in class on tuesday. 

...

it is the next day, sunday. i am sitting in the same café. i definitely was not productive yesterday, but enjoyed my time for sure. on my way home i decided to stop for another café i really like, spent some time there, was able to answer some people, since they finally had wifi for once, and had arranged to meet for a walk with is., whom i knew from bumble. i quickly dropped of the thrifted bag at home and decided to bike to the place we would meet. we had a nice chat and headed towards the brewery i had never been to, even though it turned out to be just next to the ngo i had done my internship at last september. still not owning a lock, i. let me put my bike in his house’s backyard. he lives in a very nice new english colonial style house, the whole upstairs area is his. his landlord is a famous philosopher who of course is also a professor at this university. he wasn’t home though, but in los angeles for the weekend. i. will also go there sometime in march and had actually invited me to join him, he will go there for a talk he holds and then stay with his friend k., whom i had already met two times as well. i. had set k. who used to be his suitemate in dartmouth up with m., another friend of his. i. likes to “play chess with people” as he calls it. he told me this is what it’s all about. well, i am the last person to judge this way of thinking, since i am more or less doing the same - with satisfactory outcomes.

so i. and me went to the brewery, we had a good chat about having opinions, current debate culture and polarisation. i. was always in touch with people through his smart watch, which i find rather annoying, but like that he planned to go to one of the three legendary pizzerias that i have not been before. we walked there, put our name on the waiting list and went to an establishment that was somewhat of a tavern. i. always invited me to drinks and food, he always proposed what to do when and generally was well in control and organized. even though i am not particularly sexually attracted to him, this quality makes him very attractive actually. through his friend m. who knows somebody that works in the pizzeria we were able to get notified when our table was free. i didn’t even realize we were going to meet m. and k. again. but apparently m. owns a house very close by and wanted to join eventually. not having eaten much that day so far, i was already rather drunk from one beer and one gin&tonic. and i was totally not in the mood for having to meet m. again. i had met her for the first time in this exclusive club on thursday when she was actually celebrating her birthday that i spontaneously joined and felt like i crushed it. 

those few hours that thursday evening felt like a feaver dream of an elite university experience, any clichè that one could imagine was true. for entering this establishment you had to be a club member, i. who took me with him knew many people hanging out there. in fact b. was there at the same time as us, i spotted him when he left. once a month he has to take part in this talk, and atferwards all the researchers and professors have dinner there for which they get access to the exclusive&private upstairs area. anyways, i. and me first had a beer together and talked about many things but mostly the state of current american and european society. i. is 25, did his undergrad in art history and archeology and is now doing his phd in political science. once you have a somewhat unique name it is extremly easy to be researchable in this institution. i had looked up his research interest when deciding whether to swipe right on him. and it did look very interesting to me. i. is also the definition of a rich kid, he grew up all around the world attending private international and boarding schools, he is related to a prince in his country and just casually told me yesterday how he had lunch with benjamin netanyahu not long before october 7th - of course this does not really impress me but it rather disgusts me how he keeps needing to boast about his influential friends. i allow it to disgust me but it also encourages me more to make use of him, why not?

so first we were alone, then he made us join m's birthday dinner. i got sat next to this girl who grew up in the same country as me, she used to be a pro golfer but now studies agriculture at this institution. sitting between her and i. i was facing ma.'s father ra. i directly realised how knowledgable, well informed and mannered he was. he tried to interview and test me in certain fields of knowledge, which i promptly understood. i played his game and as far as i can tell we had fun. what a man! he used to be an investment banker and at some point lecturer at this university, leaving legacy for his daughter.

i wish my parents were like hers. they obviously are not dumb, had a succesfull business once themselves, allowing me to have a great and luxurious childhood on a private stud farm amongst our 10 horses and 10 sports cars until i was 5 years old. at some point and for some reason that i still cannot grasp their business failed, they lost a case in court and we lost our luxury life. i will write about my childhood and how we dealt with those consequences another time, but this background makes me be rather familiar with people like i., r. and m. and the girl and their way being rich, conservative, well educated and even from aristocratic backgrounds. i like to believe i can easily fit in, they would never guess what city i spend me later childhood in, what my mother chose to earn money with for the family from that point on, what friends i had. psychoanalysing myself this certainly is the reason for always feeling like i don't belong to either the rich&educated or the poor&uneducated (of course not everyone is part of either one of those groups, but oftentimes it does apply).

so we had dinner on thursday, met for a walk yesterday, had dinner then and afterwards hung out at i.'s house listenting to music and talking about how academic culture is different in the us and europe. i stayed at i.'s place until 2am but did decide to go home, even though he had a spacey guest bed. i am looking forward to meeting him again. even though he is incredibly priviledged and blinded by that completely (he asked me why i not simply decided to attend this uni being unhappy about certain features and dynamics of academic life in my country and he just wouldn't understand why that was a naive question of him to ask...).

i am in touch with several other guys on bumble, one of which is f. a postdoc in law like my ex. a cool dude living in this wonderful neighbourhood that i like so much. i guess we'll meet sooner or later. another one being ha. someone who describes himself as a mad scientist and who seems to be somewhat insecure and weird or js., who reminds me of ian curtis, who is not a doctoral student or postdoc but working for the uni in the medical field, having attended one of the "little threes". let's see what next week brings! for now i should head home to clean the room i had for my own over the weekend b. having been "camping" (renting an airbnb cottage) with his friends in another state of new england. he'll return soon and i wanna do laundry, have the food i had taken with me from brunching at my favourite dining all at noon today and having to send some mails.

making myself useful at the law school

when sitting at "my desk", b. at some point ordered me to make myself useful by reading out aloud the 36 page paper that was supposed to be sent in today.

so i stopped browsing nonsense in this endless loophole that is the internet and moved my chair to his desk to get started with this ordeal.

his text is of a theoretical nature on religious law. of course it is full of concepts and jargons i don't have any clue of. nevertheless, and of course that does not make me unable to critize syntax, choice of words or spelling mistakes. co-working with him was great fun! i managed to make him aware of some important mistakes, he even added additional paragraphs and complimented my attention to detail and good suggestion of words to use. he said i should really be hired as a research assistant or editor sooner or later. i appreciate this feedback a lot - especially knowing that he is very genuine in it. and i mean, he must know holding a phd and being hired by this uni...

(ofc when writing here i don't think about what i write too much but rather care about things being captured. and obviously i make certain conscious mistakes. a second step would be actually caring about how i express myself in a more poetic or precise way. for that to be possible i really first need to empty my brains out all of those thoughts and stories i have - hence: "rambling"!!)

in the past i have really assisted him quite much. last year his two big projects were to finally publish his monograph with oxford university press and to be the host of an international academic conference in his field. i was involved in everything as much as one could be involved really. not only did i know every detail of the procedures, but for the conference also researched scholars we could invite as keynotes. it turned out to be a great success, we invited 10 very known professors for a three day conference. the only but rather big bummer: people at our "home university" especially the two institutes that were affected by this topic for some reason could not have cared less about the conference. even though the invited guests are literally world famous scholars on that field. that's why the conference though it was open for public had only less than 20 participants. well, b. had always complained how this institution was just too ungrateful, unaware and simply not progressive enough. his hypothesis was clearly proven right since the uni that did actually appreciate and value his contributions and stances is one of the world's best.

i am very happy to have him as my friend and to have been able to involve myself in his work so much. not many (undergraduate) students even have a comparable extent of insight that i have already had to the academic world. and not just insight, but also contribution! of course, i myself am nowhere of an excellent student (yet!!) and have not published papers myself (yet!!), but i have this perspective that is a driving force for me. the classes i am auditing here are based by the very people whose works my lectures at home are based on. it is an incredible driving force of motivation for me to experience the community that academia actually is. many students are bored by dry concepts and ideas, maybe learn names of authors by heart or don't even care about them. but here i get the chance to actually meet some of them! and meet students that view themselves as the future of academia. many students back home don't even have this self perception or claim of their ideas potentially mattering or developing broad horizons of interest&research. unfortunately many people i study with just want to get done with their degrees, at least that's how i experienced it.

and what is also great to observe here: people here might be considered the elite, but somehow certain dynamics are the same everywhere. sitting among those students, taking part in their seminars i do not feel as if they were absolute genuises, no they simply just take what they do more serious than students back home (e.g. they actually! read the texts assigned or actually ask questions). the way they talk and think is no (t much) different than the way i talk and think. it calms me down and motivates me to be less tentative and actually believe in myself. it should not be my ultimate goal to someday make it here as well, but to actually grasp somewhat of an understanding of the things i study and will specify in.

short trip with y.

it was our first trip together, his first trip to the capital as well as his first time couchsurfing.

we arrived in the night and the first thing we encountered was a musician performing outside the station. he was actually great. we listened to him for about ten minutes. y. said this city already made him want to start smoking and drinking again. our host h. lived in the coolest neighbourhood, *the* place to be for young people. h. works as a software designer, but mostly is an artist through and through. he paints and sings and seemingly lives the ideal life. h. first took us to a deli, we had the best fast food ever. then, we went to a bar together, it was crowded and people were smoking inside. we drank beer and talked for some time. h. and y. were clearly getting along more than h. did with me. they had more in common and i guess h. is very hurt from a recent breakup he told us about and therefore sceptical towards girls. after some time of pretending that we could hear each other, we decided to go home. we sat down in h.'s room, y. on the sofa, me on the persian carpet in front of it, h. on his desk chair. h. and me had more beer and until 6am we showed each other music and talked about life. when H. shortly left the room, y. leaned down from the sofa to kiss me. in public we never kiss, hold hands or behave like we are in a relationship really. just sometimes he rests is head on my shoulder when sitting next to each other on public transportation. eventually, we decided to go to sleep. y. and me were given the room of h.'s roommate who was travelling. it was ideal really, a typical room of this neighbourhood, high ceilings, big windows, a big comfy elevated bed. the second we are in private y. becomes really affectionate. he is the most sensual and passionate lover i have ever had and both of us enjoyed this night much.