Being Too Attached Isn't A Sign Of Love, But Fear Of Loss. The Ability To Let Go Comes From Being Confident

Being too attached isn't a sign of love, but fear of loss. The ability to let go comes from being confident that what's meant for you is already yours. And doesn't need to be held so tight, or even held at all. And all that leaves only makes way for something far better to replace it.

– Suhaib Rumi

Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth| October 28th, Saturday

Earlier I was able to make connections between anything and everything. Even the most casual and mundane conversations spark new ideas as I'm seeking refuge as I believe my mind is in the right place.

I spoke with my shrink and everything felt like everywhere but all at once. I heard how instability has consumed not in terms of household activity but due to lack of judgment and procedures due to my romantic partner. It was a 2.5 hour session earlier this morning and trust me I have so many question in my mind. I grew up in a household were I have been raised with good parents with excellent parenting skills but they lacked the predisposition of being the idolized couple in front of me even though there were instances where I had seen my father doing things for a mother as his own responsibility. I had to share certain details between my ex and the environment he grew up and how recent records are making him turn against himself and me. I am happy over the fact that I am safer as my mind is still intact and what ever I felt is emotionally correct and feeling invalidated surprising means that I have dealt with such situations where it comes back to bite me since my partner failed to reciprocate. My shrink told me, "have you tried observing if your ex holds an unresolved issue or trauma caused by his family and deep down he hides it? It seems like they have assaulted him but he chose to stay with them due to his unspoken guilt while they failed being good parents themselves as they are learning how to be good parents for their children at the age of 50?" I had so many answers to say but I chose to stay quiet as I cannot speak I|I but whatever came to my mind was very ill. I said how my partner had to pathological lie to come visit me and escape from his mundane reality of work that his own sibling fails to contribute, and maybe because the reason my partner chose to lie or defy me on certain circumstances is because he is learning to say no to his parents and the punch lines are hence tested on me as I'm not someone he felt stiff or scared, he is scared to disappoint his family but not me as he understood that what ever he does to me or tells me, I'll let that sink in. There were many ifs and buts as I proceeded with the whole story and confessed more than I should starting from harassment to sexual abuse and my shrink sat down and heard me through and through interrupting on the right clause and on the right tone with counter questions. I felt happy that for the first time a professional have heard me out loud and they misinterpreted the statistics when they were asking me basic Q and A during the appointment to analyze if therapy is enough or the need of medication is necessary. Turns out I can speak or book an appointment when I feel like I should without any worry as mentally 'm stable but I have unresolved issues which only needs to be heard out. But hearing my situation with my romantic partner made me rethink all the choices and subjects in front of me.

When you diagnose yourself to see if you were wrong but instead it leads to a major concern when your romantic partner or ex has various issues that he chose to stuff down within himself because he never had a voice to hear him out when I chose to hear but also contradict him with my words he felt the epiphany of nightmares. And what ever happened recently was a child's act from Shakespeare (that is what my shrink told me) and it is me who can resolve and fix the man who chose to end things as he needs to fix himselt and be better. As much as I hate to fixate my ideology which someone should understand, my shrink told me I'll heal soon but he will sink on the other side as he isn't giving him time to process. Certain points and certain clarifying clauses were given to me to have a conversation with my ex which would help him in many ways as he needs to realize that despite of numerous mistakes the pact and comfort I have radiated towards my shrink in favor of him denoted me as the untrained shrink in his life and my only mistake was I imposed them on him, not let him know where it was wrong. He does need a shrink but his romantic partner can equally support if he allows it. If he allows me to sit down and hear him out while I counter his words with questions he always wanted to hear. This will not only help but also may push him into clinical therapy as, body dysmorphia especially for people under weight leads to BPD. They were afraid the way I sounded vulnerable I might have clinical depression and anxiety, turns out I'm fine but I do have separation anxiety which needs to be fixed by the person I'm dependent on. Turns out as equally I have terms and conditions to fix my ex, he too needs to fix me along with pushing him to therapy.

My work this month was to understand the difference between optimism and reality. | wanted to correct his mistakes yet I was blamed My work this month was to understand the difference between optimism and reality. I wanted to correct his mistakes yet I was blamed but turns out it's his issue and him being scared and contemplated his entire thought process of making me an Ill person to him, and I undermined myself believing it was my fault but it turns out we are equally at fault and we both need to be comfortable with our duality. But I need to be persistent and I can take his words in literal sense as I am a sensitive person but for him I need to stay strong.

There are broader focus in my life right now as I have heard that it is me who needs to be fixated on fixing the problems as I have to be the mature one in this relationship and make him strong enough so later we can reverse roles but for now it is me. All I have to do is dissect and hear him out as he needs to understand that I'm the only safe place he has right now and during this time we both need to resolve the conflict between our inner desire for change and resistance from the external world. Minor annoyances can grow into resentment if they are not handled immediately but I believe in myself as I feel good and radiating after speaking/hearing my shrink for 2.5 hours. I hope what ever she said was right and I'll be able to achieve it.

As of today I do feel torn between an abstract interest in the well-being of the person I love and true empathy.

It's good to challenge social expectations if As of today I do feel torn between an abstract interest in the well-being of the person I love and true empathy.

It's good to challenge social expectations if that's what I need. Just making sure that I am not doing that thing where I isolate myself, and then start to believe that no one will ever understand me. My ex is the only one who actually understands me. The Discomfort and fear has consumed me denoting that I am on the right track.

The way I communicate with him is receiving some tough love.

This time, I need to pay attention, how my mental patterns impact my talents and skills. I have to develop a strong sense of self before I establish a credible public identity. First one foot. Then the other.

It is true I am looking for love within the person with whom I have crossed an ocean of mistakes but my emotional dishonesty is getting in the way. It may be difficult to feel desirable as I am not being credited enough but it will resolve once I start giving credit to the person I desire the most. And we both need to realize that we have been emotionally dishonest to each other and our love is the only sane thing keeping us from loosing our mind. (What if the shrink is bluffing idk)

Silence is not the same thing as, "yes." And we need to work on it together.

Dreams where they don’t turn reality

How much would you pay to go to the moon? I would pay it by my skills as I would be trained to be a skilled astronaut. I want to pay with my academic excellence and contribution to the man kind.

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Also hi, it’s me

People know me as sumedha but that’s not something I would refer to myself

Momosfeelings sounds pretty rad as I’m used to being called momo and this is journal of my feelings.

But Ifykyk that momos fillings what I mean here, as I’m the momo and my feelings or the fillings are said out here

It’s been a haywire for a while now| October 27th, Wednesday.

After every resentment that caused mayhem in recent records have finally been broken. I have been unhappy or not doing so well for a while in a social situation. This is most likely about the constant conflict I have been dealing with my mind and my soul. Something has not been right for a while now, and being the content sort that I believe I am, has left me feeling uneasy. I long for the days when things were smooth and enjoyable. But this month, the problems that have caused tension came to the surface, and it was finally dealt with, and that's a good thing. But I have been restrained from getting too emotional. The Voices of concerns were not contemplated with a level head and a level temper. My personal life which is going through an intense learning experience has damaged me emotionally and physically. I visibly wanted the love of my life for advice and guidance in a frazzled state, perhaps expecting them to tell me what to do and how to solve the problems. But instead it came back to bite me because it went haywire. My love has failed to understand my guidance or my words and I am to be blamed here as I failed to understand the depth. I tried being clear up front yet it didn’t have all the answers and that’s what is speculative. Transparency here would be important yet it feels dishonest. The old relationship argument came up again which I believed would have been handled maturely and I believed we were done with it, and the fact that someone is raising the issue again have caused to just walk away but as sad as it makes me, I wanted to stay as much as I had to put stones on my thoughts and let the other person walk away when I wanted to fix things.

It is always a challenge of unsolicited words and I wish I could make myself hear the way they wanted me to speak but instead the garden that I was working on so vividly, has been stepped on mercilessly. I am lost as I look around and see myself with nothing but the ruins that I chose to rebuild when I was picking myself up believing everything was real, but it was just another fantasy where I hear it was all in my head, it was fake because I worked hard on it. my entire world came crashing down to me as I could see myself physically deteriorating when I chose to do something just to calm my mind down for a bit but it is a dark lane I once walked and I don’t to revisit it again. I promised head to head that I won’t harm myself as it would effect everything that had been built for, or that is what I was meant to believe because now that I have enough, everything seems like a dream that I had to wake up from. I didn’t choose any of it but yet I had to bear the consequences because I need to condemn with the choices left in my hand. For the first time I felt like a failure because I saw my life and myself failing to keep that one thing that made living worth a while as I hear I am not worthy enough or deserving enough. What I worked for was a complete hoax and for a moment I contemplated everything that was in my mind. I didn’t choose this path when I said I wanted to live again. I wish I could fix everything that is dear to me and lately it was him but he too needs to be heard as he chose himself over me and I can’t complain even though I want to scream on top of my lungs but hey, he told me he will think of me in this lifetime. I hope he does because everything has turned grey. My minds not in the right place and I don’t want to contemplate death again. Like I said it was a dark lane I once walked but it is awful as it would be punishing the other person with guilt when he chose himself for the betterment and as a human I should condemn. I don’t know how long I will be survive but I will try even if it’s amputating myself in this long lost war. I lost everything yet it may come back at me, not to bite me but to enhance me. I love him as much I chose to love him with the ounce I had held in my heart as he made me love myself to a point where he couldn’t see how much everything meant to me. I wish everything was fine just the way it felt once. I know it is reality I had to wake up but I won’t mind drowning myself to the dream which I had once even though I know how to swim. For him I don’t mind letting my body go but he won’t save me anymore and I don’t know how to save myself either.

Giving myself a chance away from the relationship to decide if that's really what I wanted, but it was forced on me as either one of us had to suffer anyway, I believe this time it is me like always, as I hold the sole responsibility of letting them go when they chose their sanity over me. I wish I could complain but hey, when was this world fair enough for me anyway? I lost before but this time I have to embrace the failure in me because for the first time, I lost everything and I believe I’ll loose my mind too. But I’ll try to record every belief I have in me here because I see this as my last resort of not killing my self. If I stop then just know I lost the battle and you will be bearing the pain as I will be long gone and I’m sorry. I don’t contemplate with the living as much as I do with deaths.