We've Talked A Little About This Before, But Let's Dive Into The Why.

We've talked a little about this before, but let's dive into the why.

Why are aliens so opposed to humans smiling?

One of the most well known and widely warned about traits of humans is their smile. The alien species known as humans use smiling as a means of friendliness. Various context clues trigger a smile, from "I am showing I am happy to see you", to "I'm trying to diffuse the tense situation," to even "I hate you but I'm gonna be polite about it." With so many "friendly" uses, humans smile and they're smile a LOT. Even a more knowledgeable human can slip up.

Even on their own planet, humans are one of the very few who do this. Similar species, both apes and monkeys, will smile in either submission or aggression.

Teeth are a common occurrence across the universe. They evolve for one or both reasons: to eat (especially meat) and for defense.

If an alien is from ancestors who were often bottom of the food chain, it stands to reason that a smile translates to "I will eat you."

With predator species, a smile subconciously translates to one of two things. Defensive or dominance.

Dominance: "I am better than you. I will bite you if you don't agree."

Defensive: "I feel threatened. I will bite you if you don't back off."

Though rare, a handful of alien species consider smiling to be a submissive trait. "My teeth are clamped. I won't bite you." This could have led to humans being bullied, if humans were so easily bullied.

Just as aliens are warned of this trait, so are the humans. A single, uninformed human can quickly cause a lot of stress and tension in a ship simply by trying to do the opposite.

The best course of action, everyone found, was a simple tool. Masks are often put to use to hide the ferocious smiles.

Humans are space heisters

Look who's back with another humans are space orcs post that nobody asked for!

Anyway, ya'll know about heist films or prison break films? Ones where a gang of misfits or whatever band together and create and elaborate plan to pull off a near impossible task? Like escaping Alcatraz or stealing the mona lisa or something?

Well if humans really are space orcs then I imagine crime would be pretty tame in space until we come along. At most you'd maybe get a fine for loitering or a court hearing for speeding.

Now imagine humans come into the galactic council and as they join and adopt the systems of the space society a small group of criminals decide they want to shoot for the moon and pull off a heist in the most high security bank in the known galaxy.

It starts off with human telivision broadcasting the wonders of alien civilization. They briefly show off the biggest bank our would-be heisters have ever seen. After that they start to formulate a plan.

On the day of the heist they strategically position themselves around the bank and all start their attacks at once, donning masks and pulling out weaponry telling everyone to get on the floor.

They'd probably not be taken seriously at first, but then they shoot a security guard and everybody panics. There are no security systems in place because this kind of stuff has never happened. So by the time the heisters escape with a shitload of money the authorities have yet to hear about what's happening.

Imagine the news that would be reported the day that the heist goes off: "group of psycho human criminals hold civilians hostage and steal untold amounts of money from [bank name]"

Only for humans to be like, "Yeah, criminals do that." And the rest of space civilization just being like: "What. The. Fuck"

Humans are weird: Defensive Pacts

( Don’t forget to come see my on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord ) Nestled in high orbit, the Vana fleet bombarded the world of Elvena with lethal showers of ordinance.

Ship Master Ka’tek sat and watched from his flagship the “Emerald Hand” as the atomic clouds burst skywards like giant mushrooms as each shell detonated far below him. His fleet had positioned themselves along the very edge of the night side of the planet so that instead of the morning sun rising in the east the citizens of this doomed world would see the atomic fires of their destruction slowly getting closer.

Casually he reached for a crystal glass nearby and took a soft drink as some of his eyes began to slowly close. Enough were still open to convince his surrounding bridge crew that he was awake but in truth the ship master was tried and the destruction unfolding before him did little to hold his interest. The warm contents of the glass tickled his insides and one by one his closed eyes opened again.

He looked down at his chronometer and ran several calculations through his head. At the rate of the standard rate of fire and reloading of the planet destroying ordinance coupled with the amount of travel time from the ship to the surface and the current rotation speed of the planet below it would take between 25 to 37 hours before the entire surface of the covered in craters and atomic ash.

Ka’tek was not oblivious to the destruction and raw power being unleashed before him, nor neglectful of his responsibilities; but having carried out dozens of these operations in his time it had become little more than a procedure meant to be repeated and forgotten as one would take a breath of air.

In truth he didn’t even know why the Vana government had declared war and issued the warrant of destruction. Politics had never been an interest for Ka’tek and he was content to remain a simple commander in the Vana navy.

“We are detecting gravitational disturbances on long range scanners.”

Ka’tek turned at the announcement and looked for at his scan officer. “How far out?”

Before his officer could reply warning claxons began ringing out across the bridge.

“Multiple breaches detected, 500 kilometers in front of the fleet!”

Before Ka’tek could even get to his feet he saw multiple space ruptures on the view screen. The empty space before the Vana fleet began to seemingly vibrate and ripple as if it was a pond in a thunderous storm and in a blink of an eye two dozen ships materialized.

“Fleet wide broadcast,” Ka’tek shouted, “cease bombardment operations and prepare for fleet engagement!”

Ka’tek knew this was the worst possible time to be come upon by an enemy fleet. The ships had to rotate on their axis to point their broadside weapons towards the surface of the planet. With the time it would take to reposition the fleet for fleet combat they would be sitting ducks.

Whoever the new ships belonged to they had arrived in a tight cluster but were now rapidly spreading apart and attempting to encircle the Vana fleet. The ship master was about to issue a fresh set of orders when the communication officer interrupted him.

“We are receiving a message from the opposing fleet.”

The noise of the bridge bled away instantly as they waited for the message.

“This is Admiral Jonathan Morse of the Earth Protectorate. Elvena is under our protection and as such you will cease all hostile actions and immediately surrender or be fired upon.”

As the message ended the crew remained silent, every head turning to Ka’tek.

The ship master took a deep breath before opening the communication line.

“This is Ship Master Ka’tek of the Vana Republic and we do not recognize human control of-“

A bright flash cut across the space between the two fleets and in a flash the cruiser anchored next to the Emerald Hand exploded.

Ka’tek looked on in disbelief as the ship slowly began drifting planet side as the gravity well took hold of it.

“You were warned.”

Ka’tek heard the last message over the speakers but by then it was already too late.

Every ship in the human fleet opened fire on the Vana ships; the space between them filled with barrages of missiles, energy lances, and hard shell hull crackers.

Vana ships that had been attempting to turn and face the humans were caught lopsided and exposed, their shields flaring under the strain while their engines burned red hot trying to turn and bring their own guns to bear in their defense. Only one in a dozen was able to make the turn and return fire, the others exploding and falling to the planet’s surface.

Ka’tek’s mind had shut down from the sudden and near fatal mental strain thrust upon him. He could not fathom why humanity would risk an open war with the Vana over a planet and people of now worth.

Elvana held no strategic position, no political power, no natural resources to exploit….yet humanity had thrown down the gauntlet.

Ka’tek pushed these thoughts to the side and rallied himself. He would dwell on these acts of madness later, for now there was a battle to win.

“We have engaged the enemy fleet and as expected they have ceased their bombardment of your planet.”

Admiral Morse stood at attention as he addressed the Elvanan Elderman before him. The hologram projector flickered ever few seconds as the residual radiation on the surface interrupted the feed.

“Their numbers have been cut in half but they are still continuing to fight. I would recommend you remain in your shelters until we have driven them from the system.”

“Woooooords do not expresssssssss our thanks.” The Elderman said as they clasped his arms together and bowed. Elvanan vocal cords functioned at different frequencies than humans and as a result the translator unit struggled to compose the message.

Morse mimicked the gesture and then cut the signal, his attention turning back to the battle at hand.

“Have the third fleet begin circling the planet to cut off their lines of retreat; fourth and sixth fleets continuing firing on their flanks while we focus on their flagship.”

His second in command relayed the orders and the bridge crew carried out their duties accordingly.

The enemy fleet began to close ranks and form around their flagship and slowly return fire on the human fleets.

“Not exactly the most honorable of battles we have ever fought.” His second remarked as he took his place at his side. “We attacked them with their pants down.”

Morse grimaced at that remark and shot a disapproving stare at his second. “When you attack civilians you do not get the benefit of honorable combat.”

His second nodded conceding the point before taking note of the unfolding battle. “They must be so confused why we would invest such military power into protecting this world right about now.”

“This battle carries greater weight than you think.”

His second looked at Morse questioningly and so he continued.

“Regardless of their worth, we have an agreement with these people and as such we must honor it.” Morse began. “If we fail our obligations then no one would ever deal with us again.”

Another of the Vanan vessels exploded and Morse waved him away. He would worry about the politics of the war after he was finished winning it.  

Humans are weird: Their own worst enemy

( Please come see me on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord Every bit helps) Taken from memoir of Levire Gaston

“When my people first made contact with humanity I must speak truthfully and admit I did not think much of them.

Their bodies were not but soft flesh and brittle bones and their egos were even more fragile. They were quick to anger, lacking in the nuances of conversation, and seemed to prefer the direct approach in all matters as if it was something to be proud of.

I had spoken out against allying ourselves with them as I saw little to gain from such an agreement but my government thought it would be better and aligned ourselves with the pink skins.

The day I went alongside them to war is one I still remember as clear as day after more than two centuries.

It is truly an astonishing sight to watch a professional human warrior go about their work. All their brashness, all their stubbornness, all their childish habits are turned off with the flick of a switch and they became the monsters the universe seems to now label them as.

Their efficiency was matched only by their ruthlessness as they laid waste to our enemies. I watched a platoon of them charge across open ground while under heavy fire with only one surviving to reach the other side; what’s more rather than retreat the soldier continued the mission and destroyed the enemy emplacement even as their life’s blood ran out of their wounds like rivers of anguish and pain.

I had expected the soldier to expire from their sustained damage or retreat back to the safety of the rear lines to recover, yet they merely bandaged themselves with a small medkit and cauterized their more severe wounds over a nearby flame before continuing on.

After the battle I sought out that human soldier and over time we became close friends. Despite the many wars we fought together over the years to come I had never saw them lose focus or cower in the face of overwhelming odds. Truly they were a beacon of what all who carry arms should strive to.

Even after we exited military service we remained close friends and we corresponded frequently with each other. On several occasions we even met each other’s families, our bond of brotherhood remaining strong as ever.

One year I remember inviting them to a hunting trip on my homeworld for a relaxing getaway. The forests of the Great Chasm were rich and vibrant with all manner of life and we collected many a trophy. Yet so fervent had we been in the hunt that we had lost track of time and found nightfall surrounding us while we still lay miles from the nearest vestiges of civilization.

My friend insisted they we hurry back and leave but I told him that these woods warped perspective at night and we would become lost in the branches. They continued to say if they dropped their trophies and just left now we could make it, but I merely laughed and began setting up camp for the night.

As night finally consumed us we sat around the fire and shared a drink from my personal container. They seemed to need it more that night as I noticed their eyes never seemed to rest on a single spot for long and when he stretched his back he was actually using it as an excuse to look behind him. Something was clearly bothering them, but when I asked they merely laughed and evaded the question.

We sat by the fire for two hours before I went to sleep while they continued to stoke the fire and keep their eyes focused on the darkness.

I’m not sure how long I was asleep for when I was woken by the sounds of gunfire. I threw my blanket off and raised my own weapon that had been by my side. What I saw as my eyes blinked into focus was something I had not witnessed in all my life.

My friend, survivor of a hundred battles and a dozen wars, was whimpering and sobbing like a new born babe while firing blindly into the night.

I called out to them and demanded to know what they were firing at but their response was mumbled and distorted.

“It’s out there.”

That was one of the few things I could understand from my friend.

“It’s out there and it wants me.”

When I tried to ask who was out there I heard a night comoko bird howl and my friend spun on their heels and fired wildly. I dove for cover as they continued firing erratically, chunks of wood and stone flying like a blizzard as the bullets tore through them.

I heard a distinct clicking sound and knew they had run out of ammunition. As soon as I heard the magazine being ejected I rolled out and tackled my friend to the ground.

“Get a hold of yourself!” I remember shouting over and over as they struggled in my grasp.

I got a glimpse of their face in the moon light and it was like nothing I had seen before.

There was nothing there but pure fear.

It smothered him so deeply in its embrace that they had lost all reason and logic and only wished to survive from this unseen horror.

When they reached for their knife I knew I had no choice and punched them square across the jaw so hard they blacked out till next morning.

They did not speak a word to me the next morning when they did wake up, nor on the trek back to where we had left our vehicle to return home. Only during the ride back did they speak of what happened, and then we swore never to speak of it again.

While I was nestled in the comfort of slumber my friend was awake in the dark, and in that dark place his mind began to wonder; their mind becoming ever more warped and strung with each passing minute.

Every creek of wood became an unseen voice, every rustle of leaves a growl of an unknown monster, every animal call in the night the herald of a nightmare coming to slay him.

I had hunted many years in those woods with my father and not once had I felt the things they described to me. I told them this and said that everything they heard was natural for the forest, but they just shook their head and sighed.

“The mind hears what it wants to hear.” They said to me.

After they left to return to their own family I did some research on what they said and found to my horror that they were not entirely wrong.

The human capacity for imagination was well known, but what was seemingly overlooked was that humans lacked the ability to turn it off. Their minds could jump from thought to though faster than they could even breathe and what had started as the whimpers of a small rodent had led to my friends mind believing it was hearing the cackles of a nightmarish creature from beyond.

Their very mind had created the fear that drove them to madness.“

You know what probably freaks aliens out?

The human desire to climb. To get higher. To get off the ground as much as they can.

And this can include climbing mountains and stuff but other races probably do that too. And a lot of them are probably meant for climbing trees. Humans? Not so much

But if there’s one thing aliens learned about humans, its that they hate being told what to do.

“What do you mean, you climbed that tree?! That’s 10k wriles off the ground!”

“What?! No! It’s only like ten feet! I was fine!”

“No, you’re not fine! You’re not built to climb things!”

“Yes I am! Look, my hands - they’re perfect for climbing. See, they can grasp things and hold things-”

“Hold things like spears and rocks and - no, I’m sorry, don’t make that face, I didn’t mean it like that, I’m just saying - human dearest, human beloved, you’re covered in thin skin and weirdly fast healing muscles and bones that don’t like to give up, and I know your ancestors were of the apes on your planet but… that’s just too high! There’s nothing to be gained from it!”

“I’ve ziplined from taller.”

“That’s not the point! That has a harness!”

“Besides, a stirseid baby fell out of its nest. I had to put it back. They’re endangered!”

“… Oh, human. You are so… human.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I’ll buy you a drink at the next vending machine we find if you promise to at least warn me next time you do a stunt like that.”

“… Okay. I’ll try.”

Human, retelling the story a few days later: And that’s how my friend became 90% of my impulse control

Humans are space warriors

So ya'll know about war? It's a crappy thing, isn't it? Families being torn apart, murder being commonplace, stealing what belongs to completely different cultures of people. All because some Rich dumbasses didn't like the way another country looked at them.

Humans are pretty good at fighting, so much so that we even make sports out of it, mma, paintball/airsoft deciding who gets the last slice of pizza out of your siblings; it's safe to say we humans don't exactly shy away from violence, between action movies, most video games and some of the sports I just mentioned it's become a common part of our lives.

Now, considering that Earth might be a deathworld, it's safe to say that this probably isn't normal across space culture. I'm willing to bet this would make us a very feared and/or respected member of the galactic council, making us especially good at being security guards, bouncers, soldiers, etc.

Again though, Earth is a deathworld, so our normal civilians would most likely outclass even the most well trained fighters from other races, but what about our pros? The cream of the crop? The people with looks that can kill.

I think it's fair to say that soldiers or martial artists would essentially be seen as mythical unkillible demigod. Certain aliens would most likely search for these people like an apprentice looking for the kung-fu master only known through legend, hearsay and that one shitty movie that no one liked based off of their life.

Not only that, in fighting we have mutual respect for one another... most of the time, but ignoring dickheads who kick someone while they're down and people who support the british soccer team, humans will know when to draw the line and let their opponent recover.

This culminates in us being one of the most well trained warriors and most well disciplined fighters in all of the galaxy.