Humans And Aliens - Tumblr Posts
Humans Are Weird
So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?
What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.
Presumably, if adult humans are weird, then human kids must be weird as well. But of course, since aliens probably wouldn’t interact with human children too much, there might not be much about them in the human guide.
Imagine a human leaving her kid with an alien friend because her SO is sick and none of her human crewmates are able to act as babysitter and she’s got an important meeting. So she goes to the meeting and the alien takes her kid to one of the rooms in the ship that acts as a sort of play area.
Then, when the human comes out of the meeting, she picks her phone up and sees that she has some missed calls…
1st call: “Hey, Katie, it’s me, Grit. I know you’re probably in the meeting by now and can’t answer your phone, but I was just wondering… Jackie’s been chasing the other kids a lot, is she hunting them? Is that part of the whole predatory instincts thing? They all seem to be having fun— at least I think so, they’re all making that weird noise you guys make— but I just thought I’d let you know. And, um, listen… she’s not going to try and eat the ones she catches, is she?”
2nd call: “Hi, Katie, Grit again— look, I know that you guys are descended from tree climbing mammals and so your offspring need climbing equipment to satisfy those instincts— but there’s no way she’s supposed to be that high, right? None of the other parents are doing anything and I can’t go up and get her down because my hooves can’t get a grip on the frame. She’s right on top and— NO!<incomprehensible noises that sound like a cross between the moo of a cow and the bray of a donkey>— okay, so she’s swinging from the bars. One of the other humans just explained that that’s normal. He’s offered me some coffee, but I said no because I’m pretty sure that stuff’s toxic. I’ll try not to call again unless there is an emergency.”
3rd call: “I’m so sorry, Jackie’s been injured. She tripped over and seems to have lost a layer of skin from her knee. She’s making these noises and there’s liquid coming from her eye sockets and I don’t know what to do! Please pick up! There’s blood and the coffee offering human keeps saying she should suck the blood out or something. Is that a thing? Does your species’ saliva have healing properties? Shoud I call a medic?! Please pick up!”
4th call: “Sorry for that last message. Jackie seems to be doing fine now. I don’t know how— she should be laid out for weeks after an injury like that! Please, for my sanity, can you get a human babysitter next time?”
Humans are unstoppable...Until they aren’t.
I’m not the most eloquent writer, but I’ve had this idea kicking around for a while and figured I’d put it out into the universe.
A lot of the basis for the “humans are space orcs” stuff is the idea that we’re pretty durable compared to many species, yeah? When it comes to physical trauma, we can bounce back from most things that don’t kill us outright, especially given the benefit of hypothetical space-age technology, and adrenaline is one heck of a drug when it comes to functioning under stress.
But that doesn’t make us unkillable, and even though we can survive debilitating injuries and not die from shock, it doesn’t mean it’s fun. Dying of shock sucks, but at least it’s probably quick.
So - Imagine a ship, adrift in space, slowly being drawn into a star or something. In order to save the ship, someone has to repair the hyper-quantum-relay-majig on the hull or in the engine or whatever. Bit of a problem though- there’s a ton of deadly, deadly radiation (Wrath of Khan style) or poisonous fumes or, I dunno, electrical current, between the crew and the repair. Like, enough to kill most species instantly, so the crew is just like, ‘welp, guess we’ll die then’. But then.
BUT THEN
They ask the human. Because everyone’s heard the stories - you’re basically unkillable, right? Could you survive long enough in there to fix it? And their human goes real quiet for a second, but still says ‘Yeah, I could fix it’. And the rest of the crew is like, ‘Whaaaaaa, it won’t kill you?’ and the human repeats “I can fix it” (which isn’t an answer, but no one catches that, not yet at least), so they send ‘em in. And the human fixes it, they come back, the ship flies to safety, and the crew is thrilled to survive. If the human is a little quiet, well, they’re entitled after pulling off a miracle. Everyone else is just excited to get to the nearest station’s bar to tell their very own human story, cuz, ‘those crazy humans, amiright?’.
The good mood keeps up until the human is late for their next shift. At first it’s just faint unease, but- but they earned a bit of a lie-in, right? No reason to begrudge them some extra rest, even if it is a little weird for them to oversleep. They’ll be fine. Humans are always fine.
(Right?)
(…Wrong.)
- What is… help. Help!-
- ake up! You have t-
- been days. You need sleep, you-
- nother transfusion. We could-
- out of sedatives!-
A week later, the crew finally reaches the station. They stumble into the bar, haggard and haunted. And over the next months and years a new rumor about humans starts to make its way through space. A rumor unlike any before.
‘Be careful with your humans’ it whispers. ‘Their strength is not always a blessing. Be sure they don’t do something they can’t come back from, because when a human dies… they die slowly.’
Humans Are Weird
So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?
What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.
Oh no, now he's Caffeinated!
Give a bored human a screwdriver and you’ll find a pile of scrap where your ship used to be, with a proud looking human sitting nearby.
An alien desires to 'court' another alien, of the race called humans. The human is desirable in every way: talented in multiple skills, professional and domestic, with soft, squishy flesh and an eagerness to learn - the alien could go on and on, but people complain when the alien talks about their 'crush', as other humans call it
The problem is, the alien's species relies on scents and pheromones for communication. Their first meeting with the human was during a crisis, and their natural scent was strong, sweat mixing with that fabled human instinct to survive with all members of their extended pack alive, too. No other human smelled quite like this one. It sent the alien's hearts a-flutter, and shivers through their many wings.
But now? The human smells different, and not in a normal human way. One week, citrus and palm fruits from the black jungles of the planet Cerib. Another week, exotic vanilla from their origin planet, with something warm and spicy the alien can't place. Lavender and honey from Blackcurrant bees. Something juicy like apples. Something this, something that, and they're all beautiful scents - but it's not the human's scent, and they can't really smell their emotions through it. Frustrating.
One day, the alien sulks, watching their desired one rush past, tablet in hand. They smell like sweetened coffee and chocolate - the latter a romantic treat to humans, and a reminder of how far they are from that romance to the alien. The human next to them breathes in the scent, and smiles.
"Man, (name's) got some great perfume on today," they say.
The alien lifts their head. "Perfume?"
A little research later, and things suddenly make sense. They'd heard about perfume before, the human wasn't the only one to wear scents, but they'd been so lovelorn they hadn't used their brain. But that wasn't important. What mattered was that humans used perfume and similar products to draw in desired partners.
Two can play at that game.
Three days later, the alien walks in to their normal location. To their surprise, the human their hearts are set on rushes towards them, calling their name.
"I'm so sorry!" They apologize. They aren't wearing any scents today. "I didn't realize my perfume might be messing with your senses. I've switched it out with another type that you'll find easier to deal with. I was just trying to..."
They trail off. The alien waits, hopeful. A new scent spikes from the human.
"Is that... Cinnamon?"
"With a little bit of Ophelion flower, and Soljoiner lemon," the alien says, smiling like the humans do. "I got inspired by your choices."
A hesitation. "Do you like it?"
The human breathes in deep. From them, now the alien can sense what they've wanted. Interest.
"You smell amazing," the human says. The glow in their eyes as they look at the alien, well, the alien adds that to their list of all the reasons they want the human as a partner.
"Are you sure you know what you're getting into?" Another alien says later, at the communal garden. "Humans are hardcore."
The alien looks across the way to the human of their hearts. They are smiling, they smell a bit like the alien now, from their hug.
"For that one? It's worth it."
Hide the Object
Humans are very sneaky when it comes to hiding objects, even using their own body to do so. Can you imagine how horrified aliens would be if humans hid objects inside their bodies?
. . .
The leader of the archaeological team looked around at his team. They were hiding from the pirates, but they would soon be discovered. “If the pirates find these stones a vital piece of this planet’s history will be lost.”
“Back up is coming, right?” The lone human asked.
The leader nodded. “Yes, but they will not arrive in time.”
“Don’t worry, I got this!” The human said. He grabbed the small pebble like things and put them in his mouth.
The crew did not have long to freak out as the pirates arrived and there was a fight.
After the rescue team arrived and the pirates were dealt with the human spat the stones into his hand. Everyone recoiled in disgust.
“How!” the leader demanded.
“I just kept them in my cheeks,” the human replied.
“How! You spoke normally and even fought!”
“Dude, I have kids. I have to be good at hiding things in my cheeks if I want to snack in piece.”
. . .
Specialty Retrieval was interesting with a human. They seemed to have no appreciation for danger. And they were crazy.
The pair had successfully found the chip they were assigned to retrieve and taken it without being located. However, they had a problem. It would soon be discovered that the chip was missing.
“They will do a strip search,” the alien partner said. “We will need to hide the chip and come back for it later.”
“I have a better idea,” the human said. She pulled out a little rubber baggie, put the chip in it and sealed it closed. She took a big drink of water, put the baggie in her mouth, and swallowed it.
“What have you done!” the partner demanded. Had the human lost her mind!
“Relax,” the human said. “The rubber will protect the chip from my stomach acid-”
The alien paled at those words.
“-and the chip is like the size of my thumb nail, so it’ll pass through my digestive track just fine. We’ll get it back by tomorrow.” She smiled brightly.
The alien wanted to bag his head on the wall.
(They survived the strip search, made it off the planet, and did get the chip back the next day)
. . .
The five teammates stared at the little statue. It was small, fitting in a human’s palm, but it was big enough that it wouldn’t be easy to hide. How were they going to get it out? They would surely be searched when it was discovered missing, and they wouldn’t be able to leave the planet for another planetary cycle and a half!
The two humans looked at each other. Both seemed apprehensive, which put the rest of the team on edge. If something scared a human, it had to be bad.
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Human Steve asked Human James.
Human James nodded grimly. “Rock, Paper, Scissors?”
The aliens stared at the humans has they held out their fists, counted to three, and then made shapes. Human Steve looked at his hand and then swore.
“Sorry bud,” Human James said.
“Give me the statue, and then everyone turned around,” Human Steve said, looking very unhappy.
Confused, but trusting their teammate the three aliens did to. Human James also turned around. They waited in tense silence.
“Okay, we’re good,” Human Steve said.
The four turned around. The statue was gone.
“Where… is the statue?” the team leader asked.
Human Steve grimaced. “You don’t want to know.”
(After they were back at base Human Steve insisted on washing the statue very well and many times before he gave it back)
Random Headcanon: That Federation vessels in Star Trek seem to experience bizarre malfunctions with such overwhelming frequency isn’t just an artefact of the television serial format. Rather, it’s because the Federation as a culture are a bunch of deranged hyper-neophiles, tooling around in ships packed full of beyond-cutting-edge tech they don’t really understand. Endlessly frustrating if you have to fight them, because they can pull an effectively unlimited number of bullshit space-magic countermeasures out of their arses - but they’re as likely as not to give themselves a lethal five-dimensional wedgie in the process. All those rampant holograms and warp core malfunctions and accidentally-traveling-back-in-time incidents? That doesn’t actually happen to anyone else; it’s literally just Federation vessels that go off the rails like that. And they do so on a fairly regular basis.
Humans have finally managed to land on Mars, only to find a locked safe buried in the Martian soil. The key is apparently on Earth, but no one knows where.
I feel like any aliens that were prey at some point in evolution would have an odd fear of humans. Mostly cause they look like predators, act a bit like predators, and ARE predators. One perfect example is when we're focused on something like a mosquito that's been bugging us for a long time and we are just done.
Alien: "What. What..?"
Human: *HUNTING down a mosquito it saw*
Alien: ".... yeah I am really uncomfortable...."
Human: *quiet footsteps, pupils dialated, intense focus,*
Alien: *WAR FLASHBACKS*
Human: "Found you." *absolutely desimates the mosquito, squashing it into a million pieces as it's guts and various body parts liquidize into blood of the bloodthirsty, now stained on the palm of the human. A living being now reduced to a useless corpse as the human wipes the remains on their pants*
Alien: "I feel like I've just gained trauma."
When you invite one of your alien crewmates to see your sleeping quarters and they're immediately intrigued by the collection of human items and knick-knacks you have spread around the room. They question everything, from the people in your photographs to the various potted plants you're trying to keep alive.
They listen intently to your every explanation, even when you have no idea what to say. It's admittedly a little tedious, trying to make your desk lamp and mechanical pencils sound interesting to the massive bug-person who won't stop staring at you. But it's sweet that they want to know more about humanity, and it's just scientific curiosity, right?
It always bugs me when aliens in media are offended at fiction depictions of aliens.
Because firstly I don't think aliens would consider themselves aliens and probably not relate to fictional ones unless they look like them.
And secondly aliens would also have their own depictions of space.
Alien: so you guys have a movie called Alien?
Human: yeah...
Alien: No way so do we! :D
Human: :O
It always bugs me when aliens in media are offended at fiction depictions of aliens.
Because firstly I don't think aliens would consider themselves aliens and probably not relate to fictional ones unless they look like them.
And secondly aliens would also have their own depictions of space.
Alien: so you guys have a movie called Alien?
Human: yeah...
Alien: No way so do we! :D
Human: :O
It always bugs me when aliens in media are offended at fiction depictions of aliens.
Because firstly I don't think aliens would consider themselves aliens and probably not relate to fictional ones unless they look like them.
And secondly aliens would also have their own depictions of space.
Alien: so you guys have a movie called Alien?
Human: yeah...
Alien: No way so do we! :D
Human: :O
furthermore I think aliens would enjoy each others interpretations of the universe before they made first contact
Alien: So your planet has a franchise that revolves around space wizards with laser swords?
Human: Yes? Uh sorry if that’s offensive.
Alien: Dude no that’s fucking awesome wish my planet thought of that.
It always bugs me when aliens in media are offended at fiction depictions of aliens.
Because firstly I don't think aliens would consider themselves aliens and probably not relate to fictional ones unless they look like them.
And secondly aliens would also have their own depictions of space.
Alien: so you guys have a movie called Alien?
Human: yeah...
Alien: No way so do we! :D
Human: :O
Humans Are Weird
So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?
What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.
okay since the monoxide post seemed to be reasonably popular, here’s another take:
bones (and biology in general, but particularly bones) are frequent subjects of humor. every species has a unique approach to a skeletal system: humans and rimor have calcium phosphate + collagen bones, shyxaure have hollow cobalt carbonate + collagen bones augmented with carbon fiber, skae have chitin bones on the inside and the outside, and ziirpu just have a springy tube-shaped cartilage lattice. so even after hundreds of years of regular contact and cultural integration it’s still funny to have conversations like
“did you know humans have five bones in their EARS?”
“damn I wish I had bones in my ears”
“damn I wish I had bones”
“you do have bones and they’re bright pink you idiot, I don’t have bones”
“haha yeah boneless ziivor”
how do i know i exist?
simple, if i was a simulation my actions would be governed with a modicum of common sense and logic and let me tell you friend they are Not
how do i know i exist?
simple, if i was a simulation my actions would be governed with a modicum of common sense and logic and let me tell you friend they are Not
Another Humans Are Weird Thing:
What if there was a race of extremely dangerous and powerful aliens, and a crew sent out their human ally to negotiate a statement of neutrality, that kind of thing. But,
They bring their dog with them.
In one of those cute little pet life jackets modified to be an air tank bc of the planet’s toxic atmosphere.
And when said human meets the leader, xe’s like “*Gasp* you have one too!”
“A what?”
Xe points to the space doggo. “A pet!”
“Oh yeah, I’ve had Daisy for forever. Are you saying you have pets here too?”
“We do! Want to see them?”
“Sure!”
And the two of them, (accompanied by guards to protect the leader, of course) walk down into the ship to an ominous hallway. After they walk through it, the leader opens a door to a hallway filled with chained, moaning prisoners of war from multiple conquered planets. Xe gestures to them happily. “Pets! :D”
The human then has to explain the difference between a pet and a war prisoner.