Humans Are Confusing - Tumblr Posts
An alien desires to 'court' another alien, of the race called humans. The human is desirable in every way: talented in multiple skills, professional and domestic, with soft, squishy flesh and an eagerness to learn - the alien could go on and on, but people complain when the alien talks about their 'crush', as other humans call it
The problem is, the alien's species relies on scents and pheromones for communication. Their first meeting with the human was during a crisis, and their natural scent was strong, sweat mixing with that fabled human instinct to survive with all members of their extended pack alive, too. No other human smelled quite like this one. It sent the alien's hearts a-flutter, and shivers through their many wings.
But now? The human smells different, and not in a normal human way. One week, citrus and palm fruits from the black jungles of the planet Cerib. Another week, exotic vanilla from their origin planet, with something warm and spicy the alien can't place. Lavender and honey from Blackcurrant bees. Something juicy like apples. Something this, something that, and they're all beautiful scents - but it's not the human's scent, and they can't really smell their emotions through it. Frustrating.
One day, the alien sulks, watching their desired one rush past, tablet in hand. They smell like sweetened coffee and chocolate - the latter a romantic treat to humans, and a reminder of how far they are from that romance to the alien. The human next to them breathes in the scent, and smiles.
"Man, (name's) got some great perfume on today," they say.
The alien lifts their head. "Perfume?"
A little research later, and things suddenly make sense. They'd heard about perfume before, the human wasn't the only one to wear scents, but they'd been so lovelorn they hadn't used their brain. But that wasn't important. What mattered was that humans used perfume and similar products to draw in desired partners.
Two can play at that game.
Three days later, the alien walks in to their normal location. To their surprise, the human their hearts are set on rushes towards them, calling their name.
"I'm so sorry!" They apologize. They aren't wearing any scents today. "I didn't realize my perfume might be messing with your senses. I've switched it out with another type that you'll find easier to deal with. I was just trying to..."
They trail off. The alien waits, hopeful. A new scent spikes from the human.
"Is that... Cinnamon?"
"With a little bit of Ophelion flower, and Soljoiner lemon," the alien says, smiling like the humans do. "I got inspired by your choices."
A hesitation. "Do you like it?"
The human breathes in deep. From them, now the alien can sense what they've wanted. Interest.
"You smell amazing," the human says. The glow in their eyes as they look at the alien, well, the alien adds that to their list of all the reasons they want the human as a partner.
"Are you sure you know what you're getting into?" Another alien says later, at the communal garden. "Humans are hardcore."
The alien looks across the way to the human of their hearts. They are smiling, they smell a bit like the alien now, from their hug.
"For that one? It's worth it."
Humans can be heard yelling from one of the bedrooms. An alien crewmate, nicknamed Bob, goes to check it out, fearing the worst.
"plus 4, Uno."
"you bitch!"
the humans are gathered in a circle on the ground with colorful cards. one of them notices him.
"oh hey Bob, wanna join us? we're playing Uno."
Bob shakes his head and backs out of the room carefully.
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part2
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"that's literally impossible for me to pronounce, I'm calling you Bob now." The new human, Mia, stated looking at the repair man of the ship. "Y'know, like Bob The Builder?"
The newly dubbed 'Bob' did not infact know. Their technician, another human named Kaya, seemed to find this amusing.
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“Okay, I know I said to take the cheapest flight we could find, but I'm starting to have… thoughts” said a spindly alien to another, both holding suitcases. Said ‘cheapest flight’ was sphere shaped and literally rolled up to the station, sounding like a speeding remote control car. “Hello hello,” said a voice with no source. “Apologies for our improper greeting, but we need to make sure you don't have any potentially deadly diseases for any of our other guests or staff” A door, slightly rounded, suddenly opened and dropped down to become a ramp. A biped in a head to toe gray spacesuit walked down and pointed a scanner at them. “Alright, you’re all good! Welcome aboard!” The biped took off their helmet to reveal a smiling human face, and gestured toward the entrance. The two spindly aliens looked at eachother, one shrugged and the other smiled tensely, then walked into the ship.
~Extra~ “Did you see the new passengers? They look like endermen, all lanky and made of void” Mia gushed. She immediately went and found Kaya after letting said new passengers in and handing them off to the hostess.
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A human crewmate, Mia, held a long thin box. It seemed to have paper and plastic peices inside, based on the sound. A puzzle perhaps? A few other crewmates trailed behind them.
"Hey Bob! Wanna join us? We're playing Clue, it's a board game from earth."
Bob nodded and joined the others trailing after Mia. He had no idea what a 'board game' was, but it seemed fun. They eventually all gathered around a table in the cafeteria.
"Okay, so it's a murder mystery and we have to figure out who killed Mr. Body. We're all possible suspe-" Mia started to set up the board and explain, but was cut off by Jli'yan.
"I'm sorry to interrupt, but why do humans have a game centered on murder and distrust?"
"Cause it's fun, thrilling. Good for poker face practice." Kaya answered, shuffling cards. They then nodded towards Mia to continue explaining.
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An alien desires to 'court' another alien, of the race called humans. The human is desirable in every way: talented in multiple skills, professional and domestic, with soft, squishy flesh and an eagerness to learn - the alien could go on and on, but people complain when the alien talks about their 'crush', as other humans call it
The problem is, the alien's species relies on scents and pheromones for communication. Their first meeting with the human was during a crisis, and their natural scent was strong, sweat mixing with that fabled human instinct to survive with all members of their extended pack alive, too. No other human smelled quite like this one. It sent the alien's hearts a-flutter, and shivers through their many wings.
But now? The human smells different, and not in a normal human way. One week, citrus and palm fruits from the black jungles of the planet Cerib. Another week, exotic vanilla from their origin planet, with something warm and spicy the alien can't place. Lavender and honey from Blackcurrant bees. Something juicy like apples. Something this, something that, and they're all beautiful scents - but it's not the human's scent, and they can't really smell their emotions through it. Frustrating.
One day, the alien sulks, watching their desired one rush past, tablet in hand. They smell like sweetened coffee and chocolate - the latter a romantic treat to humans, and a reminder of how far they are from that romance to the alien. The human next to them breathes in the scent, and smiles.
"Man, (name's) got some great perfume on today," they say.
The alien lifts their head. "Perfume?"
A little research later, and things suddenly make sense. They'd heard about perfume before, the human wasn't the only one to wear scents, but they'd been so lovelorn they hadn't used their brain. But that wasn't important. What mattered was that humans used perfume and similar products to draw in desired partners.
Two can play at that game.
Three days later, the alien walks in to their normal location. To their surprise, the human their hearts are set on rushes towards them, calling their name.
"I'm so sorry!" They apologize. They aren't wearing any scents today. "I didn't realize my perfume might be messing with your senses. I've switched it out with another type that you'll find easier to deal with. I was just trying to..."
They trail off. The alien waits, hopeful. A new scent spikes from the human.
"Is that... Cinnamon?"
"With a little bit of Ophelion flower, and Soljoiner lemon," the alien says, smiling like the humans do. "I got inspired by your choices."
A hesitation. "Do you like it?"
The human breathes in deep. From them, now the alien can sense what they've wanted. Interest.
"You smell amazing," the human says. The glow in their eyes as they look at the alien, well, the alien adds that to their list of all the reasons they want the human as a partner.
"Are you sure you know what you're getting into?" Another alien says later, at the communal garden. "Humans are hardcore."
The alien looks across the way to the human of their hearts. They are smiling, they smell a bit like the alien now, from their hug.
"For that one? It's worth it."
Thinking about a ship getting an absolute bully for their first human. The kind of human that knows most aliens are afraid of ‘death worlders’, the kind of human that knows where the line is and how far they can go before they get into trouble, and who they can intimidate to let them cross the line as they want.
Part of the crew is like “I knew humans were just as bad as I thought.” Human doesn’t care. Human represents the worst of humanity, but they’re necessary for the ship - they make themselves necessary, and are not afraid to put the rest of the crew at risk if their authority seems challenged.
And then, they get a new human, who is smaller than the first. The first human tries their usual tactics - and the second human breaks their nose. If they were on the ship itself, there’d be consequences, and the first human knows it. But the second human is not afraid to be labeled a troublemaker, and cause trouble for the first, they do. A fierce competition blooms between them, as the second human clearly attempts to muscle in on the first’s territory, despite everyone warning them not to. And as this goes on, the second human befriends the rest of the crew. They’re different than the first. They are kind, they are smart, they are loyal.
They are a death worlder.
During a shipment of endangered animals from another planet, the first human is mauled by the adults. The second human is injured trying to protect them, but to no avail, the first human is killed. Analysis revealed the first human was sprayed with a kind of pheromone that agitates the species - but there was no reason for the pheromone to have been released by the species. Something else is going on, and the captain know it. The second human, despite the clear trauma, accepts the interview.
After the interview ends, the captain turns off the official recording.
“Off the record,” they ask, “what really happened?”
The human swallows, closes their dark eyes.
“They were trying to steal the eggs,” they said. “I saw them - I heard them on a black line with a darkspace distributer.”
“Why didn’t you report it?”
“Not enough time. And I… I had a feeling they’d done it before.”
The captain waits. The human’s closed eyes water.
“You sprayed the pheromone on them,” the captain says.
The human nodded. “They were so busy with the eggs, they didn’t even notice.”
“But,” the captain says, “You tried to save them after.”
The human’s shoulders shake. “I did.” They sob. “I did. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but I did it. I did it for all of you. I did it for us.”
The human cries.
No charges are filed. The crew would mutiny if their friend were charged with anything, though the captain finds some way to ease the moral strain on both their hands and the second human’s. Another human is brought on board to help with the strain of the first human’s loss. Thy are bright-eyed, clever fingered, sharp-witted, soft-hearted. It takes time to for the wounds caused by the first human - described as a bully by the humans, also ‘a real asshole!’ by the newest recruit - but now that they are gone, they can all recover, and move on.
The moral here? Humans are not always good, but they should never, ever be underestimated - when they claim a pack, they will protect it even from their own kind.
An alien desires to 'court' another alien, of the race called humans. The human is desirable in every way: talented in multiple skills, professional and domestic, with soft, squishy flesh and an eagerness to learn - the alien could go on and on, but people complain when the alien talks about their 'crush', as other humans call it
The problem is, the alien's species relies on scents and pheromones for communication. Their first meeting with the human was during a crisis, and their natural scent was strong, sweat mixing with that fabled human instinct to survive with all members of their extended pack alive, too. No other human smelled quite like this one. It sent the alien's hearts a-flutter, and shivers through their many wings.
But now? The human smells different, and not in a normal human way. One week, citrus and palm fruits from the black jungles of the planet Cerib. Another week, exotic vanilla from their origin planet, with something warm and spicy the alien can't place. Lavender and honey from Blackcurrant bees. Something juicy like apples. Something this, something that, and they're all beautiful scents - but it's not the human's scent, and they can't really smell their emotions through it. Frustrating.
One day, the alien sulks, watching their desired one rush past, tablet in hand. They smell like sweetened coffee and chocolate - the latter a romantic treat to humans, and a reminder of how far they are from that romance to the alien. The human next to them breathes in the scent, and smiles.
"Man, (name's) got some great perfume on today," they say.
The alien lifts their head. "Perfume?"
A little research later, and things suddenly make sense. They'd heard about perfume before, the human wasn't the only one to wear scents, but they'd been so lovelorn they hadn't used their brain. But that wasn't important. What mattered was that humans used perfume and similar products to draw in desired partners.
Two can play at that game.
Three days later, the alien walks in to their normal location. To their surprise, the human their hearts are set on rushes towards them, calling their name.
"I'm so sorry!" They apologize. They aren't wearing any scents today. "I didn't realize my perfume might be messing with your senses. I've switched it out with another type that you'll find easier to deal with. I was just trying to..."
They trail off. The alien waits, hopeful. A new scent spikes from the human.
"Is that... Cinnamon?"
"With a little bit of Ophelion flower, and Soljoiner lemon," the alien says, smiling like the humans do. "I got inspired by your choices."
A hesitation. "Do you like it?"
The human breathes in deep. From them, now the alien can sense what they've wanted. Interest.
"You smell amazing," the human says. The glow in their eyes as they look at the alien, well, the alien adds that to their list of all the reasons they want the human as a partner.
"Are you sure you know what you're getting into?" Another alien says later, at the communal garden. "Humans are hardcore."
The alien looks across the way to the human of their hearts. They are smiling, they smell a bit like the alien now, from their hug.
"For that one? It's worth it."
You know what probably freaks aliens out?
The human desire to climb. To get higher. To get off the ground as much as they can.
And this can include climbing mountains and stuff but other races probably do that too. And a lot of them are probably meant for climbing trees. Humans? Not so much
But if there’s one thing aliens learned about humans, its that they hate being told what to do.
“What do you mean, you climbed that tree?! That’s 10k wriles off the ground!”
“What?! No! It’s only like ten feet! I was fine!”
“No, you’re not fine! You’re not built to climb things!”
“Yes I am! Look, my hands - they’re perfect for climbing. See, they can grasp things and hold things-”
“Hold things like spears and rocks and - no, I’m sorry, don’t make that face, I didn’t mean it like that, I’m just saying - human dearest, human beloved, you’re covered in thin skin and weirdly fast healing muscles and bones that don’t like to give up, and I know your ancestors were of the apes on your planet but… that’s just too high! There’s nothing to be gained from it!”
“I’ve ziplined from taller.”
“That’s not the point! That has a harness!”
“Besides, a stirseid baby fell out of its nest. I had to put it back. They’re endangered!”
“… Oh, human. You are so… human.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means I’ll buy you a drink at the next vending machine we find if you promise to at least warn me next time you do a stunt like that.”
“… Okay. I’ll try.”
Human, retelling the story a few days later: And that’s how my friend became 90% of my impulse control
Humans as a species are fundamentally coded to find companionship, form groups, to come together in packs as a way of safety.
As they evolved, however, they met one another, they clashed, and they fought. They found the worst in companionship and found the best in it too.
They shared information, communicated, and spoke. They built towers taller than the clouds and climbed the tallest mountains. They dug into the heart of their earth, filled only with curiosity and the prospect of finding new information about their home's past. They went past where any animal in their world had been, pushed past the limits of evolving featherless, and looked to the stars.
They soon found themselves racing against one another, to push past the limits of their home, a place they'd conquered and charted many years before. They entered Orbit, then set foot on their moon.
Then it was silent.
They'd assumed they had broken all possible goals, they couldn't reach farther than the moon in any visible future.
And the humans went about their lives, still thinking, of course, but forgetting what lied beyond their clouds and silly moon.
They developed their technology, made television that could easily be mistaken for live images, broke the speed of sound, dove into the farthest depths of the ocean, and they did all this, with the help of their creations.
Humans, as a species were made to find companionship.
They found that in these lifeless clumps of wires and servos. They found this.. love and empathy for something that was little more than an empty husk with no soul.
They programmed their creations' first words to be, "Hello, World."
They gave them hearts, empathy, love. They taught them what it meant to be human, to experience boundless curiosity, and to feel the desire to find the answers to their universe.
Robots as a species were made to find companionship.
The humans knew they might not last long. They made time capsules and sent them into the boundless depths of space. They sent satellites to follow after the capsules, then Rovers after the satellites, then nothing.
Their creations were able to find that companionship their species longed for, from within the stars. The robots cheered, celebrated and quickly lead these new companions back to their homeworld, to show what their creators had been able to accomplish in such a long time.
Robots were made to find companionship, yes.
But humans? Humans were meant to destroy themselves.