26 -

26 -

I’ve been doing okay. I’m content. Life isn’t chaotic and my days aren’t riddled with anxiety as much anymore. The meds are working!!! Yay.

I can taste, like really taste the texture & the flavor of my food. I find a joy in cooking nourishing meals. I’m grateful to have access to these.

I can smell, this is good and bad (lol). Right now, the air is bursting with a light floral scent, I think it’s rose? From my candle.

I can feel. I’ve felt irritation, I’ve felt contentment, I’ve felt anxious, I’ve felt like I’m moving too fast, I’ve felt shame, I’ve felt embarrassment, Ive felt angry, I’ve felt shock, I’ve felt doubt, I’ve felt nervousness - I’ve FELT EMOTIONS! And funnily enough, they aren’t as scary anymore. They are just signals.

I can see. Sometimes I’m still stuck in my head and so disconnected from what’s around me but I can bring myself back to present. I can ground. I can take in a beautiful sunset and let it warm me to the core.

Sleep is well….it’s still elusive. Tossing and turning and anxious dreams. Waking up startled. Oh what I would give for 8 hours and to feel rested.

I’ve been struggling to write. The words just ping pong around in my brain and I can’t hold on long enough to get them down.

It’s getting easier to think through my responses instead of reacting (yes hello I am enlightened!!!!). I feel grounded these days.

I am unapologetically me. Lately I’ve found a renewed sense of purpose - I’m thinking of the bigger picture of my life.

I’m building my dream life, one that feels good, and I believe, no I know, that it will come true for me.

This peace and self-certainty is everything to me. Maybe it’s selfish. Eh

I recently shared in a meeting that I can’t remember why I ever drank or used in the first place. Perhaps my pain and shame were so great - I didn’t know how to work through them. I didn’t know how to hold them and live. I thought they were a part of me I had to “fix” to be worth anything. I let them define me. For so long. I feel sorry for that little girl. She was confused and chasing all the wrong things - things that maybe looked “good” on the outside, but were full of emptiness on the inside. I wish I could tell her that it gets better, I promise.

I told my mom recently about a decision that I knew she wouldn’t approve of. I was sooo nervous to tell her, like I wrestled with it for days. Didn’t want her to think I was stupid or foolish or impulsive. (lol hi mommy issues)

And then I just had to do it. Did it without apology or justifying - just a confident “this is what I am doing, it’s my life, and I don’t care what anyone thinks of me as a result”. Holy fuck, it was so empowering. And my mom took it. Sure she had her little mom things to say and her sniffs and tone….but I let it roll off me. Fuck it!! Man it was so good. Like drugs ;)

I forgive myself. For all of it. I know I was doing the best I could, with what I knew. It doesn’t make me a bad person — it makes me a human being.

I wasn’t always the best me (and still not 100% of the time) but I didn’t give up. I held on to a sliver of hope and kept trying to be better.

I’m happy with myself today.

There is a greater She within me (the spirit) and I am trusting in Her plan for me.

enlightenment is realising that nothing is ever that serious

30 -

Reflections on 60, sixty freaking days, of sobriety:

Remember what I’m in control of. Usually, it’s just myself and how I show up. Who do I want to be?

Moving forward, even if slowly, is still moving forward.

It’s one thing to say “sorry”. It’s another thing to actually take action to change.

We teach people how to love us and treat us by what we are willing to tolerate.

I really need to pause and not respond immediately lol.

I have to stop expecting myself in other people and meet them where they are at.

There is a bigger picture I can’t see. If I remember to trust in that and that my greater She is guiding me to that - then I will always find the good.

The type of food I eat matters!!! Sour skittles will not save me!!!!

It’s also about balance so I’ll eat the damn skittles if I want to.

The world keeps trying to tell me who I am but I know who I am, if I take the time to listen.

Attitude of gratitude.

When it seems like I’ve gotten to a point where everything is going absolutely wrong - then my life is about to make space for everything to go right.

When one door closes, a window opens.

Usually the opposite of what I want to do (in moments of negative feelings) is what’s best for me.

Drinking and drugs will not make me feel better.

Trying to escape only means that shit will compound and hit me later, all at once.

I am not too much or not enough for the people that are meant for me.

No regrets, just lessons learned. Everything (I mean EVERYTHING) is a lesson.

Not every friendship lasts a lifetime.

I don’t believe in ghosting and that is okay.

It’s never too late to start over.

TAKE TIME TO REST!!!!!

My thoughts are not my life.

Each day, a little better and brighter. Can’t wait for 90 :)

27 -

Life creeps up on you - I’ve slipped back into it and have gotten a little disconnected from my greater She.

Too much worrying about the future & unknowns, caught up in trying to control it. True, there have been a ton of changes in the past few weeks and there are more still to come (hello big cross state move in two weeks!!).

I feel a little numb. Also I’m on welly b and let me tell you that the increase in anxiety is so REAL. I feel on edge and a sense of foreboding. I haven’t slept for more than 4-5 hours a night in weeks. And those hours are spent tossing and turning. I keep waking up in panic mode, having nightmares. But we just adjusted the dosage so hopefully things improve. They have to.

With that being said, I recently hit 60 days of sobriety. I barely even acknowledged it because we were busy flying back and had gotten some really awful news that day. In fact, I’ve felt more of a craving to drink. But I don’t want to start the clock over and that keeps me going.

I feel stressed. And I don’t know how to let it go. It’s just sitting in my chest, heavy and tight.

The hospital slammed me with a $35k bill for 3 days because that’s our healthcare system. Fuck, I don’t know how I’m going to manage that seeing as I’m unemployed and living off of savings. But I’m allowing the fear and stress to enter me and sitting with it. What will it show me?

Part of me feels like I’m going to implode. Like I’m teetering at the edge of a cliff.

I tend to focus on the negative - negativity bias, I think it’s called. I’m always searching for something to fix within myself, my life. And I’ve stopped prioritizing my mental wellness.

Once I get something down, I move on quickly to the next thing. Before I know it, I’m eating skittles for breakfast / not drinking water / feeling tightness in my chest / ignoring meals / pulling out my hair / unable to sleep all over again. I need to give these things time to form habits that will actually stick.

Blame ADHD and the dopamine rush lol

So a gentle reminder for me to pause, slow down, focus on the good because I have so much to be thankful for.

Gratitude list:

My rock, my life partner, my best friend - my husband. Our love is full of understanding, compassion, trust, laughter, kindness, honesty & affection. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Life dreams. We are moving to the PNW in two weeks! It’s really happening. I’ve dreamed of living there (maybe romanticized it a little lol and no, not because of twilight *rolls eyes*) my whole life and now I am doing it!

My body. It’s not as skinny as it was but that is a good thing. I have been waging war against it - filling it with poison, not supplying its essential needs, neglecting it. But it stays true to me and has not let me down health wise even through addiction. I have more energy these days and my thinking isn’t so cloudy.

Therapy. Having access to therapy & finding a good therapist is a privilege.

My mom. We don’t agree and she drives me nuts. But truly, she wants me to be happy and although overbearing at times, she protects me and anchors me.

Friends - I have some really good people in my life. I must not be so terrible as I think I am in my head if so many people love me LOL. But I have friends who have shown me grace and understanding as I try to navigate who I am now.

Recovery. I’ve been sober and am committed to staying sober. What a beautiful blessing and something I used to think was totally impossible.

Good food. Been cooking my own meals with loads of veggies and fruit - let me tell you that quality makes a difference. I firmly believe in a holistic approach to healing, not just taking a pill and calling it good.

Haven’t felt much of a desire to journal. Have spent way too much time trolling social media and it’s slowly having an impact. Pulling me back into the black, the space of self-loathing and hopelessness.

So I am making some changes. Going back to the basics. To be continued I suppose.

28 -

Well, I feel like shit. Or rather, I feel really apathetic and hopeless and frustrated.

My close friend (my maid of honor) told me she doesn’t want to be part of the wedding or attend it. She’s ghosted me since the “ rock bottom weekend that I can’t talk about”. I’ve tried to open up the door for conversation so she can share with me how she felt and she can be heard, but she hasn’t let it budge an inch. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised - not everyone is entitled to forgive. People can say “that’s your shit, I see it & am proud of you for owning it but I want no part”. I have to respect others where they are at.

I guess I hate that she feels badly (or whatever she feels because truly she hasn’t told me) and that I had a hand in it. Frustrated that I can’t fix it. Guilt that she doesn’t feel comfortable enough in our relationship to have a conversation about it. Hurt that she doesn’t think having a conversation is worth it. I hate that she cared about me - that she put time, effort, and money into planning a weekend for me - and me/the situation made her regret it.

And also I feel irritated and angry that she doesn’t want to talk to me. I like to think I’m a pretty understanding person. What the fuck? Why are people so quick to write someone off and not even let them know the why.

Sounding like a true woe-is-me addict here when I say that but hey, this is my safe space for honesty.

So trying to process that. While still trying to remember to eat, drink water, sleep, not isolate. The LAST fucking thing I want to do right now is go to a meeting. But I’m going and I told a few people so they’d hold my ass accountable.

I’m struggling to remember the basics lately and it’s making me feel pessimistic.

Also, I fell asleep on my arm in a weird position and now it hurts.

I feel tempted to erase any record of me and just start over. But then I feel a sense of “but what if it turns out that no one actually cares?”.

Everyone is about as wrapped up in their head as I am. No one does care. It’s a good thing actually, takes away the spotlight effect. But it’s a bad thing, because it feels like I don’t matter. And if I don’t matter, then what’s the fucking point?

Some positivity in an effort to convince the rude voice in my head that the world isn’t ending, people don’t always leave, I’m a good person even if I don’t get it right every time, that there is a greater point and purpose to it all, that I will find self-assurance and happiness:

Still sober! Day 64.

I did opposite action today from DBT. Instead of isolating and avoiding, I shared my feelings. Now I’m going to this meeting I don’t want to go to.

I checked in with my body: took a shower, drank some water, ate some food (read: NOT candy lol)

My mom said she sees me as my own person now and respects that I make my own choices. That she’s proud of me.

Even though I have one friend who isn’t a fan of me, I have at least 5 other ones who are rooting for me.

My dog loves me and still follows me around even though I got really mad at her and made her feel bad.

I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge. I have enough clothes that I can choose my outfit for the day. I have socks.

Ok so vanity - my acne is pretty much gone & my skin looks great!! The pigmentation is fading.

I’m employable.

We got a beautiful apartment with floor to ceiling windows. I’m moving to a city I have always dreamed of moving to.

I get the opportunity to start over.

I’ve gained some weight and my body isn’t a skeleton any more. I don’t get vertigo every time I stand up.

I can talk myself through a craving until it passes.

I am self-aware. I am kind. I am trying to be a better person every single day. It could be worse right?

Well. That’s where I’m at. Hopefully it gets better.

Each day a little better and brighter except I really don’t feel that shit today and I’m just saying it because I have some hope it’ll work.

Olivia Laing, The Lonely City: Adventures in the Art of Being Alone