Living Sober - Tumblr Posts

26 -

I’ve been doing okay. I’m content. Life isn’t chaotic and my days aren’t riddled with anxiety as much anymore. The meds are working!!! Yay.

I can taste, like really taste the texture & the flavor of my food. I find a joy in cooking nourishing meals. I’m grateful to have access to these.

I can smell, this is good and bad (lol). Right now, the air is bursting with a light floral scent, I think it’s rose? From my candle.

I can feel. I’ve felt irritation, I’ve felt contentment, I’ve felt anxious, I’ve felt like I’m moving too fast, I’ve felt shame, I’ve felt embarrassment, Ive felt angry, I’ve felt shock, I’ve felt doubt, I’ve felt nervousness - I’ve FELT EMOTIONS! And funnily enough, they aren’t as scary anymore. They are just signals.

I can see. Sometimes I’m still stuck in my head and so disconnected from what’s around me but I can bring myself back to present. I can ground. I can take in a beautiful sunset and let it warm me to the core.

Sleep is well….it’s still elusive. Tossing and turning and anxious dreams. Waking up startled. Oh what I would give for 8 hours and to feel rested.

I’ve been struggling to write. The words just ping pong around in my brain and I can’t hold on long enough to get them down.

It’s getting easier to think through my responses instead of reacting (yes hello I am enlightened!!!!). I feel grounded these days.

I am unapologetically me. Lately I’ve found a renewed sense of purpose - I’m thinking of the bigger picture of my life.

I’m building my dream life, one that feels good, and I believe, no I know, that it will come true for me.

This peace and self-certainty is everything to me. Maybe it’s selfish. Eh

I recently shared in a meeting that I can’t remember why I ever drank or used in the first place. Perhaps my pain and shame were so great - I didn’t know how to work through them. I didn’t know how to hold them and live. I thought they were a part of me I had to “fix” to be worth anything. I let them define me. For so long. I feel sorry for that little girl. She was confused and chasing all the wrong things - things that maybe looked “good” on the outside, but were full of emptiness on the inside. I wish I could tell her that it gets better, I promise.

I told my mom recently about a decision that I knew she wouldn’t approve of. I was sooo nervous to tell her, like I wrestled with it for days. Didn’t want her to think I was stupid or foolish or impulsive. (lol hi mommy issues)

And then I just had to do it. Did it without apology or justifying - just a confident “this is what I am doing, it’s my life, and I don’t care what anyone thinks of me as a result”. Holy fuck, it was so empowering. And my mom took it. Sure she had her little mom things to say and her sniffs and tone….but I let it roll off me. Fuck it!! Man it was so good. Like drugs ;)

I forgive myself. For all of it. I know I was doing the best I could, with what I knew. It doesn’t make me a bad person — it makes me a human being.

I wasn’t always the best me (and still not 100% of the time) but I didn’t give up. I held on to a sliver of hope and kept trying to be better.

I’m happy with myself today.

There is a greater She within me (the spirit) and I am trusting in Her plan for me.

35 -

Where I’m at currently:

Packing, packing, packing, more packing. We leave on Monday!!

Barely eating - surviving off of candy. Forgetting to drink water but remembering to drink sprite. See above as to why.

In desperate need of a shower but remembered to wear deodorant. Hair is a mess but I figure, getting my hair done tomorrow and she washes it for me right?

Feeling a little overwhelmed with all the clutter in my apartment.

Repaired a scuff on my docs to where they look brand new & sold them for a solid amount.

Sweaty and grimy, the bottom of my feet are a little black. Probably because we need to clean our floors lol.

Ruthlessly selling our furniture on FB marketplace and releasing some pent up pettiness at the same time.

Feeling a little bit lost and out of sight of the point.

Trying not to freak out. And I’m doing so, my chest feels tight because holding it all in.

So ready for this next chapter - a fresh start - but unable to fully let go of the past….yet.

Ehhhh not being a great dog parent right now because - see point 1.

STILL SOBER!!! And that’s all I can really ask for right?

Forgetting that my greater She has a plan for me and trusting in that. Then remembering, only to forget again. Then being reminded once more.

Each day a little better & brighter :)

(Ignoring the fact that we’re moving somewhere where it’s cloudy 300 days of the year lol)

62 -

Baby steps. No drink & no desire to drink.

Actually I’ve been craving a salad and yoga haha.

I’m trying to take it easy and slow. No grandiose expectations or promises

The only things I need to do right now are slow down, breathe deep & not drink.

Each day, a little better and brighter.

63 -

I keep getting so keyed up and my heart starts racing then the thoughts start blurring and I think “I need to crawl out of my skin RIGHT NOW”

….and then I stop. Force myself to pause. Take a few breaths.

I sit on the floor of my bathroom as I write this.

I remember that these feelings pass. It’s normal to sit with them, to hold them for a while if needed.

To expect myself to always be on and perfect is unsustainable.

So I can be less than 100% if I need to be, it’s okay. I’m still me - with all of the good.

It’s okay to feel really lost and discombobulated, I’m learning & building a new normal.

Cheers! Another day to conquer without fear.

64 -

I just feel shitty these days. I know I can’t drink. But the temptation to turn it all off is there.

I have a small window of time today and man, I am so tempted to cave and get just one drink. I’m not very good at being “bored”.

I am hot, my thoughts are disjointed, I feel disoriented, I feel antsy.

I made myself drive to a cafe and am sitting and eating lunch hoping to ride out the craving.

But I’ve made it 11 days without the booze! Yay! And tumblr just wished me happy 1 year to my blog.

My blog that I started with the intention of quitting alcohol….lol let this show that addiction isn’t easy people!

But we keep trying.

I’ve decided to surrender. When I start to feel like things are getting crazy in my body and it’s time to numb out - I try to challenge myself with staying within. Being present.

Apparently you can’t blanket surrender and just let life have its way with you. You have to actively surrender every day - how annoying lol

FEEL IT ALL BABY! Relearn how to live. Some people never do.

Reasons why I won’t drink today even though I feel like it would be fine:

• it affects my mood - down mood for the next 3 days, do I really want that?

• anxiety feels like whiplash every 10 minutes

• I will feel like a failure starting over again

• temporary relief that creates a bigger long-term problem

• I cannot control it

• to prove all the haters wrong lol (read: friends that gave up on me, exes that thought I was a mess)

This is my best today and it’s ok! I’m sober :)

65 -

Random thoughts lately:

I used to live my life assuming my mom’s started the day she had me. It was so hard to imagine her as a person, just like myself, with hopes and dreams and failures and a whole other life.

I glad I have the opportunity to know her now.

•

It’s funny how we continue to discover new versions of ourselves. I’m having a hard time letting the old version of me go. I feel like I’m wearing shoes that don’t fit quite right…at least not yet. I’ll have to break them in.

I think it’s so easy to stay stuck in an idea of who we are or who we are meant to be. Who I was at 20 is not who I am today at 30 and I sure hope it will not be who I am at 40. I want life to change me.

I will wear the scars of my life on my body and in my heart to show that I am a warrior.

•

I wish I could feel things less. I wish I didn’t think so much. I wish I didn’t constantly seek the deeper meaning.

When I feel numb, I feel empty.

When I feel sad, I am devastated.

When I feel happy, I am euphoric.

I’m not tired, I’m exhausted.

Maybe I need to go re-read that BPD criteria again.

•

I do not fear my vulnerabilities. I’m not pretending - what you see is who you get. I’ve been told this makes me appear confident……which just makes me laugh.

The only person who gives power to your fears is you.

I am not giving mine any power today.

66 -

We’re back at day 4 of no booze. I caved at the two-week mark. Nothing wild but also as I sipped I realized a few things:

• I stopped after a few sips because it wasn’t the relief I was looking for. Short term feeling - but the long term impending doom sense switched on.

• Immediate gratification is great, obviously. But working at something, sitting with it - it’s not supposed to relieve the feeling per se, but show you how to manage it. How to live life while carrying it. The more we sit with our feelings, the stronger the resilience we build.

• There’s nothing wrong with me if my energy is low or my mood is off

• I will not genuinely be able to understand myself & my feelings/mood cycles if they are constantly warped through the use of substances.

• Everything goes back to the breath

• Not prioritizing my basic needs means that I’ll overcompensate in other areas

• It’s okay if I don’t buy into AA - I think, as with everything, you take what you need and leave what doesn’t resonate. Not everything will. But in my experience, there’s an underlying “pressure” to follow the way they tell you and make it your life. However, I think some of the principles they teach have been eye opening and have really helped me. It feels safe to wear my shame in those rooms.

• Every time I “fail”, I learn something from it. Leaning into failing = more knowledge.

• Sometimes all I need to do is get out of my head and into my body. I should really stretch more

• Remember the bigger picture of your life

That’s all. We keep going.

81 -

Feels like I’m losing my mind every other day.

Questioning my sense of reality more often than I ever have. Am I crazy?

I’m exhausted.